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Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Topic: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now (Read 971 times)
KrisK7
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Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
on:
August 25, 2014, 08:05:51 PM »
She left me for my replacement, out of the blue, after using me for money all summer (and admitting to simply using me for money for the past few months). I told her we couldn't be friends, but if she was emotionally distressed I was "a phone call away".
She is in a financial pit that keeps getting deeper and deeper. Keeps throwing away what little money she has to play a sport that doesn't pay, foregoing responsibilities like her car payment, cable, bills, etc. Unemployed as well, basically just using other people to get money like always. Yesterday, she texted me a screenshot of a message from her uncle (who's cosigned on the car she has) that if she doesn't catch up on her payments then he will come and take the car. I asked her where the money she had JUST gotten from a sugardaddy of hers for her car went. She used it to get to her sport camp, she tells me. I tell her, "oh. that wasn't a good idea. sorry. Good luck."
Later that day, she calls me crying. She's in the hospital, dislocated her elbow. It should be noted, she has no insurance so the hospital bill will be hefty. She asks ME to call her grandmother (we were engaged for a year and her family loves me) to tell her what's going on. I do, they take care of it. End of interaction. Now she's texting me about how she's having "bad thoughts again" and thinking of hurting herself. Why is she calling me and texting me about all these things and not the replacement? She left ME. And is moving in with HER. ? Any ideas?
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KrisK7
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #1 on:
August 25, 2014, 08:06:20 PM »
I should add, she is fully aware that I'm unwilling to help her financially.Still continues this. Confused.
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enlighten me
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #2 on:
August 25, 2014, 08:16:16 PM »
Its probably because she thinks you will bail her out. It could be something different. She could miss you and see you as supportive or at least the most supportive person she knows. You can never truly know what its about as you cant trust what they tell you.
My exgf keeps going on about how tight money is. She complained that she doesn't have enough to clothe our son. I went out and bought him some new clothes and she complained that It was a waste of money and that she likes to buy him his clothes. I refuse to give her money as she just wastes it and can still afford to go out.
You seem to be handling it well though. Good luck with keeping those boundaries.
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Pieter2
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #3 on:
August 26, 2014, 03:13:29 AM »
DON'T DO THIS! She needs you now. Remember with BPD - Love = Need. So don't let her use you again. You seriously should listen to yourself. NO CONTACT - MOVE ON!
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Recooperating
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #4 on:
August 26, 2014, 05:50:09 AM »
She is texting and calling you, because you react to it!
She's "feeding" on the attention you give her. It will not stop unless YOU stop it!
She will create drama and chaos, so she will be in the middle of it and get all the attention and validation.
Only way to end it... .NC
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Tolou
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #5 on:
August 26, 2014, 05:59:48 AM »
As long as you do things for her, she will allow you too!
Its enabling, I believe? It used to tear me up when she would call me, especially from a hospital or threatening or thinking to hurt herself, horrible feeling, but it is a feeling! Something we can not teach them how to deal with, and if she is with your replacement, why put yourself through this>? She needs to learn to self soothe, you have a choice, if keep bailing her out, she'll keep coming to you, but when the wells dried up, she find another one. Don't put yourself through that, ask yourself why your maintaining contact with someone who treat the way she has, it isn't healthy. Once we allow people to use us, or show them our vulnerability, they will continue to take adavantage of it. That was my case, until I chose to walk away completly, no phone contact nothing, said my peace, then said peace!
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Infared
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #6 on:
August 26, 2014, 06:43:33 AM »
As hard as it is Kris, I think that you need to pull a way from this person and take care of you.
I have been where you are being emotionally involved with someone like this. I don't think there is any reason to stay in contact with her at this point, is there? She sounds like she had a tough up-bringing and a lot of damage of some sort... .but she is just looking for rescuers and not doing anything for herself. She needs to hit bottom to grow up.
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Rise
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #7 on:
August 26, 2014, 08:25:30 AM »
Quote from: Recooperating on August 26, 2014, 05:50:09 AM
She is texting and calling you, because you react to it!
In a nutshell, this.
On a personal note, I've dealt with situations like this more than I care to admit. Whenever my ex would hit a crisis in her life she'd always reach out to me instead of whomever she was dating at the time. And not just for financial support. Once she realized I wouldn't give her more money, it turned into her looking for emotional support.
I believe it's because she didn't want to put the burden on her new relationship. She didn't want to taint the new relationship by letting her new boyfriend know how big of a disaster she was. It had nothing to do with some deeper connection with me, or her trusting me, and everything to do with hiding things from her latest boyfriend in an attempt to maintain the illusion of how amazing she was.
It's a tough thing to go through. But, it is completely up to you how long this goes on. And trust me when I say this behavior isn't going to stop until you decide to stop it.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #8 on:
August 26, 2014, 08:57:56 AM »
Like enlighten me said, she thinks you will always be there to bail her out. She's checking your pulse. And how you react tells her where you stand.
My ex does similar things... .yesterday she called me out of the blue to tell me how much she slept, because it was so long. She wants to know that I will always be there. I made a joke about it and just said, "Cool, well you must have needed it," and then changed the subject.
There is this weird cycle. When I have a boundary and enforce it, she throws a tantrum and tells everybody how awful and controlling I am. Eventually, her tantrum dies down and she's all "nice". Then she will call me up for the most ridiculous of reasons. In a way, it is better than the negative drama, but it is still strange. I don't let it bother me.
The best thing you can do is not answer your phone or texts.  :)o you have children with her? If no, then you really have no reason to keep in contact. You are not her Messiah or her God. It is an act. She may even believe it, but it is still an act. She wants to know that you will always be there, no matter what. She wants to see your reaction and know that she's always got you. She wants to know you'll always be "that person" to her. It's like a sappy, twisted romance novel. And of course, the idea that you are the only one who will be "that person" is ridiculous. Makes you wonder who else she texts right after or before you. Or... .if you go long enough without giving into it, who is next on her list.
If for some reason you have to be in contact with her or want to respond, keep it as unemotional and disengaged as possible. She wants you to run into the situation saying, "Awwwww! How can I help?" But what you need to do is say things like, "That's too bad. Money can be hard to manage, for sure." Or, "Well, I hope you don't hurt yourself. The suicide of Robin Williams was pretty terrible. Such a great actor and comedian. Suicide is such a bad and painful thing." Notice the distancing language. You give a brief empathetic statement and then immediately back away into generalities, without giving any person information about yourself.
Incidentally, my ex was notoriously bad with money and still is. She has 40 pairs of shoes still stored at my house, and she hasn't come for a single one of them. When I have her get her stuff out of my house, she'll be able to open a store with all the shoes she has.
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pieceofme
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #9 on:
August 26, 2014, 09:25:55 AM »
my ex used me for money, too. took my money, cost me money.
yesterday he attempted to contact me non-stop. one text was even, "i need your help." i didn't respond to anything. it was hard, but i made it through my first day of NC. (it counts as NC if i don't respond... .right?)
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #10 on:
August 26, 2014, 09:36:47 AM »
You should reply, "You need the kind of help that I cannot give."
I'm still being bled by my ex, financially, via child support and spousal support. It is ridiculous, but in a way it is the cost of my freedom.
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pieceofme
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #11 on:
August 26, 2014, 09:48:55 AM »
Quote from: OutOfEgypt on August 26, 2014, 09:36:47 AM
You should reply, "You need the kind of help that I cannot give."
LOL! i love that response! it has been quiet for the past 12 hours, so i'm hoping the storm has passed.
BE FREE, outofegypt. i hope one day i will be free, too.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #12 on:
August 26, 2014, 10:03:38 AM »
You will be. You will.
I'm WAY better than I used to be, and I don't even have the luxury of NC. I have to talk to her weekly at the least. The financial stuff is a total drag, but it won't last forever. There is an end to it. So, I make due and bide my time and learn to budget better
.
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Rise
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #13 on:
August 26, 2014, 11:22:46 AM »
Quote from: KrisK7 on August 25, 2014, 08:05:51 PM
Now she's texting me about how she's having "bad thoughts again" and thinking of hurting herself.
Before I was with my exBPD, I dated a girl that was bi-polar (yeah I had issues finding healthy relationships for a while). When we broke up it started a chain of suicide threats. She would call or text or e-mail me at all hours telling me how terrible she felt, how she was thinking about hurting herself, how she was going to just end it all.
The last time this happened I warned her that she was putting me in a position that I was responsible to protect her from herself. The next day I received a string of absolutely rage filled texts because I had called the authorites about her suicide threats, and they showed up at her apartment. I was a "terrible person for doing that to her", but I never received another suicide threat again.
Just something to think about.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #14 on:
August 26, 2014, 11:26:21 AM »
Rise, that is truly awesome. I agree, something to think about.
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Infared
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #15 on:
August 26, 2014, 11:28:31 AM »
Quote from: Rise on August 26, 2014, 11:22:46 AM
Quote from: KrisK7 on August 25, 2014, 08:05:51 PM
Now she's texting me about how she's having "bad thoughts again" and thinking of hurting herself.
Before I was with my exBPD, I dated a girl that was bi-polar (yeah I had issues finding healthy relationships for a while). When we broke up it started a chain of suicide threats. She would call or text or e-mail me at all hours telling me how terrible she felt, how she was thinking about hurting herself, how she was going to just end it all.
The last time this happened I warned her that she was putting me in a position that I was responsible to protect her from herself. The next day I received a string of absolutely rage filled texts because I had called the authorites about her suicide threats, and they showed up at her apartment. I was a "terrible person for doing that to her", but I never received another suicide threat again.
Just something to think about.
hmmmm... .how about THAT!
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #16 on:
August 26, 2014, 11:33:55 AM »
During my divorce, my ex took our daughters to the river for a beach day. She called me from there, claiming that she was having an anxiety attack and needed me. Like the trained monkey I was, I got in my car and drove up there. I rationalized it away, telling myself, "Well, it worried me that she was like that and my kids were up there with her." Like clockwork, suddenly she was resting her head in my lap and told me how "safe" she felt. I kissed her. Definitely NOT a good time. She later used that against me saying that *I* was the one being confusing and unclear about my intentions.
My T told me I should have just called 911 and reported that there was a psychological episode and my children were potentially in danger because they were out at a beach and their mother was having an anxiety attack and was unable to function or drive. In retrospect, I should have. At one point later, it came up and for some dumb reason I told her I should have done that. Her reaction was priceless... .you would think I am Satan, himself! Such a terrible, terrible person I am.
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elessar
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #17 on:
August 26, 2014, 12:44:47 PM »
Quote from: OutOfEgypt on August 26, 2014, 11:33:55 AM
She called me from there, claiming that she was having an anxiety attack and needed me. Like the trained monkey I was, I got in my car and drove up there. I rationalized it away, telling myself, "Well, it worried me that she was like that and my kids were up there with her." Like clockwork, suddenly she was resting her head in my lap and told me how "safe" she felt. I kissed her. Definitely NOT a good time. She later used that against me saying that *I* was the one being confusing and unclear about my intentions.
Wow OutOfEgypt, this made me smile. If I can count the number of times something like this happened to me... .haha. It never stops amazing me how similar these BPD traits are.
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elessar
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #18 on:
August 26, 2014, 12:46:32 PM »
Quote from: Rise on August 26, 2014, 11:22:46 AM
I was a "terrible person for doing that to her", but I never received another suicide threat again.
Good one Rise. I have learned that belatedly, but the way to have handled was the way to handle children. I don't have kids, so I don't know. But do not enable them. And call out their bluff. They will never repeat their tantrum again because they learned they will face consequences for it. It is a good lesson for anyone still with their pwBPD.
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KrisK7
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #19 on:
August 26, 2014, 03:27:30 PM »
You guys are right. I need to go NC but part of me is afraid that will just validate her ideas of abandonment in her mind. I'm unsure which side being the bigger person is on.
For me, the LC doesn't hurt me anymore. It almost helps, considering that I get to see her slowly hit rock bottom. And I provide nothing more than emotional support of, "I'm sorry. don't hurt yourself." yet she still keeps coming around. But it's almost helpful to see her for the child she is. The motivation confuses me, but it strengthens my resolve.
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pieceofme
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #20 on:
August 26, 2014, 04:10:22 PM »
Quote from: KrisK7 on August 26, 2014, 03:27:30 PM
You guys are right. I need to go NC but part of me is afraid that will just validate her ideas of abandonment in her mind. I'm unsure which side being the bigger person is on.
i am struggling with this thought, too. it's hard.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #21 on:
August 26, 2014, 04:15:43 PM »
Excerpt
I need to go NC but part of me is afraid that will just validate her ideas of abandonment in her mind. I'm unsure which side being the bigger person is on.
I understand, but isn't this still letting her warped view control your behavior? Aren't we trying to stop walking on eggshells and start walking in reality? Would kissing her
#$ gingerly for a while really prevent her from thinking you abandoned her? Eventually, even if you try to play along for a while, she is going to cash in her chips and demand that you are there in ways you don't want to be. And when you don't play along, her ideas of abandonment will be validated in her mind. It's a game you cannot win, so best to stop playing and let the chips fall where they may.
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goingtostopthis
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
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Reply #22 on:
August 26, 2014, 10:58:51 PM »
Im in the recovery stage now of our relationship being over due splitting and being devalued again. Its been hell but its getting better because Im finally starting to come out of my own denial that this relationship turned into a very weird kind of hell. There is all ways some kind of crisis going on with these people, all ways. Its exhausting.
I didnt realize how much until I sat down and started taking inventory so to speak.
Mine didnt have a job, recieves benefits, rent free, Never had a enough money, was all ways in trouble with unpaid bill collectors etc. He had every excuse in the world as to why he couldnt do this or that to make his life better. He would begin on a really good art project that was more then good enough to sell, but would never go through the next step to make anything happen. It was like he wanted to be miserable.
I was all ways there on the side for him, couching him along or just listening and there was this strange pattern developing that caused me to wonder if I was crazy or is he really doing this? It was like he would set me up to believe something really good was coming his way and Id be all happy for him, but like clock work, one or two days later there would be something bad that would happen to cancel the whole thing out. not happing. An example, was one day he said some friends came over and offered him a free washing machine. He had a dryer but her had to hand wash his cloths. So it was like oh happy day, that's great! He said in two days they were bringing it over, because they had an extra one they didnt need. Well, two days later, I ask, hey! when are you getting your washing machine? Him< Oh that feel through, they said it was all ready promised to someone else and his wife forgot about this.
He would get chances to sell his art for a lot of money, was to meet with this interested friend ,had a date for dinner and everything, when the date came, I asked about it, him< Oh they canceled, Me , oh are they going to reschedule it, Him> yes, when that time came he said he couldnt go because he felt it was appropriate to bring a bottle of wine. (it wasnt) But of course he didnt have the money.
I started wondering, Is he making this stuff up? Every oppurtunity he had in reference with connections with people to either do the things he loved the most or make money was sabotaged. I found this store to sell his art work that he couldnt find, he never went to see the guy because he couldnt aford the train fair, oh whoe is me... .again and again and again. I said why dont you send him pictures of your work in an email. nope, couldnt do that.
I was stupid enough to set a kickstarter for him. It was really good and I put a lot of work in it. We were suppose to be doing this together, Id send him the site and password to look at what I started for him because he was suppose to be apart of this. It was his stuff . I did not want to launch it until he looked it over. Ok he says, a day later he comes back and tells me he found the page but his art work wasnt there.,he coudnt find it. Im like what? I have no proof, but I think he was lying! It went on like this for a whole year, one thing like this after another.
Why would he lie about good news coming his way, getting me all excited for him, only to come up with some reason as to why things just didnt turn out? It was like he was enjoying this, all it did was reinforse a sense of hopelessness and heplessness in ME, with such frustration... .I felt like he was doing this on purpose! like being passive agressive. Like he got off on this head trip he was putting me through. It felt so emotionally masacistic. It never occurred to me that half these things that happened like this were lies until now. It was almost evil if I dare say.
Like it was more important to him to be sadistic to me by the sabotaging of himself just so he could feel he had some kind of control over me and everything else. It was so wierd... .Im so releaved to not be apart of this trap anymore, because it was, it was a trap.
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Loveofhislife
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Re: Keeps texting me about how hard her life is now
«
Reply #23 on:
August 27, 2014, 12:47:49 AM »
What is it with pwBPD and money? I probably need to start a new thread, but this seems to be another commonality. My exbfBPD even used my credit card to pay off his car loan! He makes twice as much as I make annually! And yet when I ask him to pay me back, he becomes indignant (it's how a month of silent treatment started). In the meantime, he continue he's to text that he doesn't have enough to live on?
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