Anger?

[letmeout]

I have a question about anger after your r/s with your BPDex is over.

My counselor said to me at our last session that I have not expressed appropriate anger about being used, abused and robbed blind by my ex.

How much anger did everyone go through?

How do you know if the extent of your anger was enough?

How long after the r/s ended did you remain angry?

Maybe I was so relieved to get away from the madman that I can't feel it. My counselor thinks that because I had to repress my anger for 35 yrs that I don't know how to feel it.

I admit I had to hide my anger because me getting mad would only enrage my ex and trigger him into horrible episodes of BPD symptoms.

I really would like to hear other's stories about their anger in the aftermath.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Most of us here were taught that anger is bad. I think it's good if you express it in healthy ways, such as writing. The first step is to give ourselves permission to express it and stop demonizing it. It's fine to be angry, it's fine to feel rage. Just don't let it get the best of you, don't let it turn into blind hatred. I think all anger starts from this one line "I deserved better". That's a truly liberating and empowered thing to declare. We deserved better! This was an outrage!

Elaborating, I've expressed my anger through poetry. But I still have a lot of repressed anger. It's hard to find it, and maybe that's because I'm not valuing myself enough to declare such things. I think you know it's enough when you're not bitter towards the ex anymore?

[Infern0]

I'm struggling with it. Sometimes I feel like I could explode. Anger is powerful and easy to give in to. Right now I'm coping,  I'm rational.

My only concern is my replacement has been told all kinds of lies about me,  if he "comes after me" the anger may become an issue

[Suspicious1]

I'd quite like to feel angrier than I do, but then I know that too much anger can lead to feeling impotent and wanting to break NC to share that anger. I think "indignant" is closer to how I feel. I've written stuff down to try to stoke my anger up a bit more as I think it's healing and affirming, but knowing that he's so completely chaotic makes it harder to feel any deep anger. I'm indignant in a "NOBODY treats me like that" kind of way but he careers through life in such a car-crash of a way that it's hard to think "he used me and took advantage of me". I think I have enough clarity now to know that I didn't deserve such treatment and his painting me black is unreasonable after the ways I helped him, but at the end of the day I can walk away and heal from all this. He's just going to keep careering on. I feel like I'm watching him from a distance now, going "wow".

I try to stoke the anger, like I said, but there's always the disorder in the way to stop me from feeling used, manipulated and deceived. I guess I think it wasn't really ever about me, which is why it's hard to get feel that personal sense of outrage.

[Tibbles]

Anger is a difficult one for me. I spent 30 years not showing it and so now sometimes it feels like I don't know what to do with it when I feel it. My anger hits me when I am driving. I think because when I was in the relationship it was the only space and time I had to myself so that is when I allowed myself to feel and mostly cry. Surprised I didn't have accidents as I couldn't see through the tears a lot of the time. Now that is when my anger hits me and I yell at the top of my voice. Feels wonderful. I call him all sorts of names, tell him all the things I could never say before, very therapeutic for me. But I am getting tired of being so angry. I get to work with a sore throat but feel I've let my emotion out. How long has it been - I moved out a year ago and we tried to work things out for a year and now exh has decided to call it quits. I feel angry that he does the final rejecting after I have put everything into the marriage and mending process. I am angry he gets to paint me in such a bad light that I am not worth being married to, I am angry that he called it quits yet still sends texts making NC difficult. I am angry he has no empathy for my side of the relationship, I am angry he has this illness and doesn't see it, I am angry I am loosing some-one I have lived with and loved for so long (the non crazy side) I am angry at the unhealthy role I played in the relationship. So I have a long way to go with this anger stuff, but I have a 30 min drive each way to and from work so I have somewhere to take my anger. I'm glad I have dark tint on my car windows.

[buterfly]

Truly. I have never been an angry person, although there's been moments. At one point in my r/s with my BPD my brother in law randomly (without truly knowing) asked if "I ever really got angry."

I, too, am struggling with this after leaving. At first I was angry for being angry when my mother in law came at me with a cocktail version of his psychological damage, I directed my anger at her, and still do. From time to time I get angry at him, but I feel like I should be angrier at him! I welcome the anger now, even a little of it, because it makes me feel a little healthier.

I agree that writing, and creating art seems to be a good release, and I am always searching for ways to release that emotion in a healthy, healing way. I also agree that it is a result from trying to hold back the anger... .He often pointed his finger at me for getting angry, or being to loud as I shouted at him to stop during his rages, as if it were my fault. Flight was always my best option. It's a rough road were driving on.

[buterfly]

Now that i think about it... .I was also mad at his cousin, a psychology student, who after seeing him once, for the holidays, every year, told him his only problem was that he was "sad." Again, I should have been mad at HIM!  Also, I began therapy for the"anger issues," he said I had, which come to find out, were brought on by his rage.

But I thought of this (speaking of writing)... .I found many emotions, and realized my abuse through a writing technique highlighted in Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way. The idea of morning pages, and I've done this on and off for years. The idea is when you awake every morning (or most mornings), write 3-4 pages longhand of whatever pops into your mind. Do not stop, just keep writing, even if you find yourself writing your to do list for the day. Do not go back and re-read, at least for a few months. The idea is when you awake and write you are releasing stagnant negativity, anxiety, etc. allowing new, fresh ideas and emotions to be brought to the surface. It helps with creativity, too

[letmeout]

I too have taken Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way classes through our local church. It is a very therapeutic thing that you can do for yourself.  I don't always have time to write the morning pages but I try to get a couple of paragraphs in of my conscious stream of thought.