are my kids BPD bacuse of me...

[Calm Waters]

My two sons are both struggling. The older one is now 27 and is in a terrible mental state of anxiety and paranoia much of the time. As a child he was a normal sort of kid, however his thyroid gave up at aged 8 and as a result he is of quite short stature – 5’6” and this caused him much frustration as he was getting into his teenage years, also he lacked energy as he was very haphazard about taking his thyroxin.

He did well at school then became severely depressed at around 17, he smashed his room to pieces at one point! He was using cannabis at the time and we discovered he had been since aged 14. He then went on to regularly use other recreational  drugs, nitrous oxide, extacy, etc  despite our protests and warnings. He got involved with a gang of older men who turned out to be grooming young boys for crime and young girls for sex, to his credit my son called the police when he realised what was happening, but we were then terrorized by the gang for a year or so, vandalism and threats.

My son then started a relationship with one of the girls that had been involved, with her parents consent she came and lived with us, at this time she was a few months off her 16th birthday. When the gang heard about this they accused my son of ‘ child abuse ‘ and we had  various discussions with the police and the girl’s parents. My son was exonerated but this left him scared and scarred. The girl ( now clearly a borderline) having been steady with him and living at our home for some months broke off the relationship and accused my son of rape! Spreading rumours about him in the small town where we live. By now hi was 18 and ready to go to university so we thought that this would be a fresh start for him, the girl was furious about him leaving and ramped up the rumours.

After 3 years struggling at university with us also paying for therapy for much of the time he then came back to our home with a good degree. After a while he started becoming abusive to us and his younger brother, raging at us, threatening suicide, smashing the house up, so we found him a shared house and got him out. He found a menial job which he held for a year or so, but he kept coming home and abusing us to the point that I was being seriously triggered by him and I started to become violent with him. At this point I had had enough and my wife and I couldn’t agree on the ‘ tough love’ stance I wanted to take so I planned it for a year and left the marriage without warning.

With hindsight this was a catastrophic move, I now realise my own undiagnosed borderline issues from my recently discovered abused childhood had been roused, I was split and a frightened 5 year old again running away from the abuse, it took my breakdown to realise this. Whilst I was away from my marriage the younger son became a drug dealer lost a lot of money – he wasn’t very good at it, and became addicted to cannabis, he says he was emulating the older one despite all the trouble it had caused.

I have now reconciled with my wife, my older son is still living separately but is extremely depressed suicidal ideating but at least off the drugs, he is very damaged and at 27 has not really getting anywhere, no motivation, no girlfriend, no job, no hope, we have offered therapies of various types but refuses in favour of listening to John di Ruiter? It’s a nightmare at home with the younger one who also has no ambition other than getting stoned and playing his guitar, but he seems ok apart from irritable bowel symptoms brought on he believes by the stress of the last few years.

My wife and I both nearly lost our jobs through all this turbulence, on top af all this my mother died, and both our siblings developed cancer! It’s a long story I know and this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I suppose my belief now is that both of my children have inherited or been influenced by my BPD and possibly my wife’s also, as she also had a very disturbed childhood. We have to lay down boundaries and ground rules with our adult children whilst supporting each other in our marriage, our ailliing parents and ill siblings, but frankly I  just want to run away or occasionally consider not waking up, not that I would take my own life but sometimes it all seems unbearable.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

At this point I had had enough and my wife and I couldn’t agree on the ‘ tough love’ stance I wanted to take so I planned it for a year and left the marriage without warning.

With hindsight this was a catastrophic move, I now realise my own undiagnosed borderline issues from my recently discovered abused childhood had been roused, I was split and a frightened 5 year old again running away from the abuse, it took my breakdown to realise this.

I'm so sorry for all the trauma your whole family has gone through, Calm Waters (love your Screen Name by the way; don't we all wish for peace and calm?), and the fact that you are aware of the family dynamics and the probable reasons for the way things are playing out is a real hurdle that you have jumped to find your on the path of recovery. Have you had the chance to check out this Resources for BPD Sufferers site? For dealing with your BPD symptoms and behaviors, you will find forums and information for that.

This site, I'm sure, is helping you with dealing with your Wife and family of origin, and on the Parenting Board we will be able to help you with your sons. I wanted to point out the quotes above, because as parents, we all on this Board have found out that the "tough love" route with dealing with our BPD kids rarely if ever works... .What has worked (sometimes a lot, sometimes a little) is using the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right-hand side of this page ------------>

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to check out the Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD yet, but most of us parents have found that Radical Acceptance for family members is a good start to finding our way to start Communicating using validation, and using the communication TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth that can help us navigate a relationship with a troubled, BPD child (even adult children). These tools and techniques will also help you with your other familial relationships, and make things less stressful and volatile... .

How have you been doing in healing from your own childhood trauma? While on the Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board, have you checked out Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse? I am so very sorry for all the pain and tragedy your life, and your whole family, has been through... .I'd say that, yeah--BPD is hereditary, and our family of origin can take that predisposition to that disorder and then make it bloom to something that is out of control, even unintentionally, while we all along are thinking we are doing the "right thing" with our family members.

My own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD in early 2013, and prior to his diagnosis and subsequent Therapies and treatments, exhibited the same symptoms and behaviors as your sons are exhibiting. I can tell you that with the proper help and attitude, your sons can turn their lives around and things can get better... .Are either one of them diagnosed with their troubles? Ever in Therapy? Willing to acknowledge they have problems and need help for them? You've got your hands full in your family, but we are here for you, Calm Waters, and want to help 

[Calm Waters]

thanks rapt for your kind words and pointing out the resources. This site has helped me recover from my breakdown and i can see now that it can also help with this the next stage... .what fun!

[Crumbling]

Oh my, what troubles!  What a burden you shoulder!   

Here's our experience~

My son knew at age 16 it would be legal for him to drop out of school, and as the day approached, he kept saying that's what he was going to do.  We offered him two choices, stay in school and live with us for free or get full time work and pay us rent.  He got full time work, bought a car, paid the first month's rent, then started getting into big trouble, smashed the car, lost his job and tried living in our basement playing video games and being stoned.  When the rent came due, and he brushed us off, we opted for tough love.  We kicked him out.  I'll never forget watching him strut his way down the street with his bag over his shoulder, setting out to face the world alone, angry as sin. 

After that things got worse.  He ended up being robbed at gun point, being evicted twice, getting in trouble with the law... .blahblahblahblah... .bottom line, here we are 10yrs later and we've come full circle.

I know we made things worse for him in the moment, but I think that by hitting bottom so early in his life, (by about 18) he realized he needed to change or live a life of hell.  It's not an easy road. I cried myself to sleep for months when he was away.  He was fortunate enough to have someone who stepped in and helped guide him back onto the right path, and I owe that person everything for doing this. 

This person did nothing different than what we had tried, but it wasn't his mom doing it because she 'had to' and that seemed to make all the difference in the world.  Finally he got his high school, then taught himself what he needed to know to do what he wanted to do.  He became a techie making big bucks, is on the strait and narrow, and he loves me again!  He actually called about a year ago and thanked me and my husband (not his dad) for kicking him out.  He said it was the best thing we could have done, and that he was really sorry for putting us through the hell that he did.  Different type of tears streamed that day, let me tell ya! 

All that being said, I don't know if I would recommend this technique to anyone.  So many factors beyond our control contributed to his success that honestly, it just feels like a crap shoot with awful odds, that we won.  Our faith meant everything through those times, and so did knowing that my boy was smart as hell, as stubborn as a rusted out screw and had a good heart.  In spite of all that disrespect for everything, raging emotions and screwed up thinking we were witnessing, I knew he was going to learn what he had to to make things right within himself and I prayed constantly that he would not kill himself in the process.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I have been suicidal, and I struggle daily with knowing my ill state of mind has effected both my kids.  Guilt gives us nothing.  Just don't do it.  Don't give in to it.  I bet you've always done your best in spite of what you've been handed in life.  Pat yourself on the back.  You've taken steps to make things right.  You've been reflective and you care.  You've worked at it.  I don't know you, but I know BPD people, so I know these things to probably be true.

It's great that you are here, and thanks for sharing, c.

[porcupine]

Hi Calm Waters. I have just tonight found this website. I've not read much yet, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. Your situation sounds pretty terrible, but it is great that you've managed to get back together with your wife. You are trying your best, and although you feel you must be to blame, as an outsider I can ask how could you possibly help be the person you are? Unless you were being deliberately horrible as a parent (which I doubt) you cannot blame yourself.

I, too, feel guilty about being the parent of a young person with BPD.

I was so happy to become a parent and loved my child so much all the way through the growing up years. We had a lovely time, most of the time, but as she got into double figures age-wise she got mentally ill and desperately unhappy. It was terrible to watch. We later, with a psychiatrist, traced some of her odd reactions to the world back to when she was a toddler. I feel I am to blame and I alternate between feeling guilty and between feeling really unhappy myself.

Anyway, good luck to you, and all the best, from a stranger out here. I hope your sons get some help from health professionals.   

[lever.]

Hi Porcupine-glad to see that you found your way here. To the right hand sise of the page you will find the "tools" and "lessons" and a link to an article ":)id I cause this?" which you may be interested to read.

The answer can be complicated. Children with BPD have specialised emotional needs which we are not always aware of when they are growing up but the vast majority of us have done our very best as parents.

I know I have made mistakes and that I could have done things better-I also know that I was doing the very best I could at the time (with a couple of exceptions which I remember only too well).

I have found that guilt is not very productive and the best thing to do is start from now and read all I can and practice using the communication tools.

I also found the book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr very helpful to read.

It addresses this question and also the way in which some therapits and mental health professionals tend to pin the blame on the parents.

I'm not sure that gets anyone anywhere-better to help the parents work on their responses and become a resource to aid recovery.

[porcupine]

Thanks lever, I appreciate your comment. I have read the article, which is interesting.

I actually think now that, like Calm Water, I have at least some of the traits of BPD myself. That's something I have quite suddenly been aware of, after years of relationship problems and after people pointing out some of my odd behaviour (well, they think it is odd). I ignored it; just thought everyone is a bit unusual in their own way, but since my daughter's diagnosis I don't think I can anymore. It would explain a lot about my past and about present issues I have.  I will find it hard to accept that I am wrong when I get angry about particular triggers. I am honest enough to know that. I'll read more on this site; I think it looks very useful, educational and supportive.

take care,

[Calm Waters]

I am grateful to all of you for your contributions. The dynamics of these disorders are incredibly complex and it's is clearly difficult to establish cause and effect. However having read through my mothers memoirs since she died it has become obvious to me that history tends to repeat.  It turns out my mother was conceived as a result of my grandfather forcing himself on my grandmother. They already had 2 children and wanted no more, however my grandmother became pregnant as a result of this 'rape' and tried to extinguish my mother in the womb. When this failed my grandmother vented her anger on the child, my mother, by withholding love and apparantly trying to murder her on a couple of occasions once by setting the house on fire whne my mother was a teenager!. My mothers saviour was her older sister by 10 years who effectively was the surrogate mother and protector. This has all been coroborated by other family members. So my mother was about as damaged with borderline as it is possible to be, she only found out that the circumstances of her conception at her sisters funeral back in 1992 when my uncle explained to her, at this pint my mother was in her 70's and finally understood why her mother hated her so much.

On the other side my father was brought up in pitiful poverty to an alcoholic violent father and a borderline mother, my father is the narcissist. So effectively these issues in my family stem from poverty and abuse.

My wifes family are Hungarian refugees who fled from Hungary after persecution by the Nazi'z and the then the Bolshevics. My wife was sexually abused as a child by the deputy head teacher of her school in London. The combination of disturbance from the war and this abuse led to my wifes borderline traits.

Whilst these stories are unique they are not uncommon, which is why there are a lot of 'disturbed' borderline folk out there. Just imagine the toll the latest child abuse scandals in the UK will have taken on those involved - it doesnt bear thinking about how people abused by the state, their families and celebraties in some cases will cope and how they will act out in society.

[Crumbling]

It is easier to understand, or perhaps forgive ourselves for not being perfect when we consider where we are from, and the cards we've been handed.  Some people will say that the past has nothing to do with BPD traits, that it is all chemical in the brain.  Perhaps for some people.  But like you, I feel that the past has everything to do with present emotional scarring, even in BPDs.  There's just too much evidence to ignore the connection.

My biggest driving force to get help and break away from my 'self destructive learned behaviours' was knowing if I didn't do something about it, my children were going to carry on my negative traits.  I wanted to break the cycle.  I wanted to be a better parent.  It took five years of support groups and therapy as well as an eight month hiatus from being a single mom for me to feel like I'd made a difference.  Now, as young adults they are doing really well - and now I only have my BPDh to look after!

My kids can look back now, and although our time away from each other was hard, they see now why I did what I did, and how much better I am for it.  In other words, they have forgiven me.  They realize that forgiveness is part of the healing process, and they understand they have healing to do too.  I lead by example, and you are too.  You have taken responsibility for your actions, and you are seeking a better way.  Don't give up hope, CW, I'm glad you're here and you have the courage to share your experiences.  It makes us all stronger!