Sex immediately after?

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Anybody deal with a BPD cycle of silent treatment/distance or argue/rage... .then want sex immediately after?  I've experienced this numerous times.  What on earth is that?

[thereishope]

Anybody deal with a BPD cycle of silent treatment/distance or argue/rage... .then want sex immediately after?  I've experienced this numerous times.  What on earth is that?

[thereishope]

Thank you for rerouting this topic Skip. 

[elessar]

Yup. "break up sex" "make up sex". I guess when we are instantaneously split white. I don't know. It is hard to understand. Like so many things with them.

[thereishope]

Yup. "break up sex" "make up sex". I guess when we are instantaneously split white. I don't know. It is hard to understand. Like so many things with them.

Abslutely!

[LilHurt420]

This has probably been the only consistent theme in my relationship in the last 10 years.  While I feel stupid each and every time for giving in, it always happens.  My uBPDh thinks this is the way "reset" things I guess.  And being codependent I think deep down I equate the sex to intimacy and love from him, so I fall in hoping once things are "reset" for him that we can stay on the good path.

Only that never ever happens

[elessar]

There were a few threads going on around here about them using sex as a tool for control. I think thats what this is.

[thereishope]

This has probably been the only consistent theme in my relationship in the last 10 years.  While I feel stupid each and every time for giving in, it always happens.  My uBPDh thinks this is the way "reset" things I guess.  And being codependent I think deep down I equate the sex to intimacy and love from him, so I fall in hoping once things are "reset" for him that we can stay on the good path.

Only that never ever happens

I have felt the same things... .It is just very difficult entering into a time of intimace with uBPDh immediately after feeling unloved/broken/belittled/disconnected/etc... .And I can't talk about it either because then I am just an emotionally needed female... .So I just stuff it beneath the situation once again... .but over time it builds up resentment... .I'm trying to learn to be honest with myself and with him fully... .It's taking much time... . 

[Ryan9181]

This has probably been the only consistent theme in my relationship in the last 10 years.  While I feel stupid each and every time for giving in, it always happens.  My uBPDh thinks this is the way "reset" things I guess.  And being codependent I think deep down I equate the sex to intimacy and love from him, so I fall in hoping once things are "reset" for him that we can stay on the good path.

Only that never ever happens

I always gave in to her because I was so addicted in hindsight.  I still am struggling to let go of the pure physical loss (only 2 weeks out NC), like a total drug addict.   However, it was an effective "reset" for us actually, but it lasted UP to 24 hours until something went wrong again.  She would be so emotionally giving and expressive and happy immediately after sex and orgasm.   She would tell me she loved me.   It was like dealing with a whole new different person until we went to sleep for the night.  In the morning / the next day, was a different story, like starting over again. 

[enlighten me]

I think it has more to do with medicating than control.

After orgasm oxytocin is released and this is the hormone that calms us down after we have had a fright.

It makes sense that a BPD will use sex to calm down.

I personally noticed the chilled out post sex behaviour of my exs. Almost stoned.

[Lion Fire]

Yeah, know this well.

The thing is, although my ex was very attractive, i found her too demanding and almost predatory on a sexual level so I wasn't caught up in this side of things.

She was devastated that I was not " sexually obsessed" with her and it was the main reason for the triggers that sent her into a mad state of disorder that crashed our rs.

The impression I got was that sex was a tool, even a weapon, for her and that men before me were hooked on this.

She never got that from me and had less of a hook.

Of course, she labelled me as gay, sexually traumatized and deeply dysfunctional.

Make up sex happened a few times but was not an option for me as things deteriorated.

This drove her insane.

I don't particularly feel like having sex with someone who has just abused and degraded me.

For all of her slurs and insults about my sexuality I have absolutely no problem with my current girlfriend with intimacy

[KrisK7]

Sex was definitely our cure-all after a fight. Admittedly I used it to my advantage to end fights on my terms, alot of the time. But it was always just part of a cycle. That kind of dysfunction is exciting and normal to them. They're so used to living with internal chaos that they have to make everything externally chaotic too to feel remotely comfortable.

[Ryan9181]

For all of her slurs and insults about my sexuality I have absolutely no problem with my current girlfriend with intimacy

Sounds very health Lion Fire, good for you and congrats.   How long ago was your exBPD?   I'm only 2 weeks out and finding myself still on the roller coaster (except now I'm completely the driver of it) and part of it is filled with fear of not finding someone healthy while also being fulfilled sexually like before.   It's fear that the ex damaged me somehow.   

[Junknown]

Yeah! My relation had it a lot. She even said it was the best sex we had and i also felt it too, strangely. She even joked saying she should get mad at me more times, so we always do it crazily like that... .Of course i didnt have much fun out of that joke i always like thinking "Oh my god! Even more fights! Noo, god please erase that idea from her head!" ... .

[AG]

Yeah, know this well.

The thing is, although my ex was very attractive, i found her too demanding and almost predatory on a sexual level so I wasn't caught up in this side of things.

She was devastated that I was not " sexually obsessed" with her and it was the main reason for the triggers that sent her into a mad state of disorder that crashed our rs.

The impression I got was that sex was a tool, even a weapon, for her and that men before me were hooked on this.

She never got that from me and had less of a hook.

Of course, she labelled me as gay, sexually traumatized and deeply dysfunctional.

Make up sex happened a few times but was not an option for me as things deteriorated.

This drove her insane.

I don't particularly feel like having sex with someone who has just abused and degraded me.

For all of her slurs and insults about my sexuality I have absolutely no problem with my current girlfriend with intimacy

Mine said the same exact thing minus the gay thing although mine was not as up to par in the looks deparment as it seems you guys have had. She wasnt ugly euther but was not my cup of tea and not up to my normal standards especially in the body department. Sex was not as mind blowing as you guys have had either. Anyhow I found myself having to take days to recover from one of her bull ish episodes and I definitely was not exactly turned on by being called worthless and every name in the book. I actually told her this outright. She would say I can't even get sex from you I said yes you can all u want actually but not if u abuse me.

[Hopeless777]

I think it has more to do with medicating than control.

After orgasm oxytocin is released and this is the hormone that calms us down after we have had a fright.

It makes sense that a BPD will use sex to calm down.

I personally noticed the chilled out post sex behaviour of my exs. Almost stoned.

I believe this is quite correct. After 25 years married, I told her I was done with her moods. She interpreted this as I was done with her. Then the crazy sex began. Everyday for hours. At first I thought it was cool, but then it became obsessive. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and she'd be in another room with a vibrator for hours. Been separated for over three months now. ":)ated" her twice and she had to have it. I now realize that orgasm was her self-medication to escape the pain of BPD. Been NC now nearly two months. Heartbreaking but necessary as she became violent a rage filled. Really tough to take turning your back on your bride of 27+ years. I hope to find full peace someday.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I keep hearing about these hyper sexual BPD women and I can't help but feel like I got screwed (aka not screwed). Mine had an aversion to sex and attacked me over my sexuality quite a lot. Really messed me up, and we barely had sex for many years. Of course at the core of her BPD, I think was her being molested and the beaten by her parents for "lying" about it.