Knowing When to say No

[Duvid]

I was married for about 9 years, separated in 07, divorced in 09. In 2011, I got custody by agreement of my son, now age 12. When I was starting to think about dissolving my marriage, I realized that my wife had the BPD traits. She still is an alcoholic. When I started to consider separating, her daughter, then around 14 was at the start of drug problems that went on until the age of 21. The daughter (my step-daughter) is now about to turn 22 in a long term drug treatment program. The program includes job training, placement in a job and placement with an apartment.

My ex is now considering moving back to the country of her origin. She will soon travel there for a couple of months to sort out legal matters and may relocate there permanently.

Over the past few weeks, I had thought about her daughter. She has no relationship with her father and her mom may be about to leave the scene.

I live in an apartment with my son. It is big for a 2 bedroom.

I first told her that if she found herself without a place to stay, that she could stay with us and use the sofabed in the living room. I thought about it some more and decided that I she needed a place to stay, that I would find a bigger apartment - with an additional bedroom.

Both mom and daughter were very happy about this idea.

I spoke to my parents about this idea this evening and they both advised very strongly against it.

And they are right.

The step daughter will exit the program with a job and an apartment.

I run the risk of getting back into heavy debt. I can afford the current living circumstances for my son and I.  I don't wind up with a lot of savings but I can support the two of us. When I got separated, I left with more than half the crazy debt she/ we had racked up. You can't make a depressed person better with any amount of travel or things that she buys and forgets about.

It is nice to give emotional support but I can't volunteer to support an adult who should now be putting her life back together.

My ex may be relocating to a  very nice place where she can live with her two elderly brothers and live off of rental payments from another property there. My ex would be getting away from the US, where she was having a hard time supporting herself.

If she is concerned about her daughter's welfare, she might not permanently relocate. She might come back to continue sheltering her daughter.

I do not carry the responsibility of trying to make everything right for them.

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Duvid. I can understand how torn you must be. It is hard to be supportive but also keep up good boundaries. Saying no is likely the best choice all around, especially considering you have your son with you.

My DH's middle son, SS22, has been in four different treatment programs for his addictions. Even after all of those, he recently had a relapse and I think one of his main struggles is facing up to the reality that this is a life-long struggle. He was convinced he wasn't an addict but had gone through a bad phase. We have been through many ups and downs with his addictions -- sat in emergency wards, jail, police station, etc. but also heard him talk about the success of a program and been hopefully that he was on a better path. We love him but also know that we can't always trust him. He's lied, stolen from us (including his special needs brother), manipulated to get money/things, etc. His mom (UBPD) enabled him for a long time and that was hard to watch.

DH and I have had to make difficult decisions about letting SS22 live with us. At one point, after SS22 had exited a treatment program but was drinking again, it broke DH's heart to sit with SS22 and say he couldn't live in our house. Later when SS22's mom threw him out and when he got beat up, he called his Dad and beg to live with us. We had to stand our ground for the sake of the other kids, and for our own safety/well being.

Hopefully in your case you can find other ways to support your stepdaughter that don't involve her living with you. In our case, we tell SS22 we will pay for any counselling he chooses to attend when he's ready and any healthy activity he chooses to participate in (sports, yoga, etc.) One of his therapists said that until SS22 comes to grips with his relationship with his mom, he will struggle with his addiction. He has rarely talked with a T about all that his mom has done (he was her all good child, and then became her all bad child and the target of a lot of raging.) And so he holds it all in. His default has been to use drugs/alcohol to cope with his anxiety.

Saying no is hard, but in the long term it's often the right answer.