An internal conflict with being, surrendering, feeling.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I get moments of clarity and doing nothing does help. But progress is so slow. Here is the crux of the issue, during our relationship I would get guilt tripped and attacked for not feeling emotionally close to her, for having sexual feelings she didn't like, for feeling mad. She pretty much objectified my very essence. This created an internal conflict where I felt like I was always doing something wrong, where I could literally never get to my vulnerable feelings because I was hard on myself for not feeling. That plus years of psychological abuse make it so hard to find myself to move beyond all of this. Even if I lay down and do nothing or meditate, I become frustrated or hard on myself, much of the time. I would appreciate tips from anyone that has had similar issues.

[Blimblam]

The struggle is an important step.  It feels terrible.  Just keep going. It will build up untill it overwhelms you.  Just feel it.  Learning to feel again is one if the hardest things. With my ex I was conditioned to push all those feelings down. Unlearning that is a huge step.  Baby steps.  I believe in you.

[Recooperating]

I can relate, to this buildingfromscratch!

He would always tell me I was cold and distant, emotionally unavailable.

Its true I come from a very down to earth family. Didnt hear I love you much from my parents, but I managed to create a emtional balance for myself.

He was latino (he use to say, latinos are very emotional people) and diagnosed BPD so his emotion levels and mine were worlds apart.

If I was split white I'd be the most loving caring and warm person he'd ever met. When i was spliy black He said I was a cold distant b*tch with no heart... .Confusing?

I havent cried since the break up, NC now for 10 days. I cried A LOT in the r/s tough... .Man I would sometimes be on the floor crying about all the nasty things he would say and do to me. Maybe I already cried to much over just 1 guy... .

Now I just go throught the day slightly numb. I am sad, angry, hurt... .I feel it in my gut... .But its just not expressing itself through tears? Or maybe its different because I chose to end the r/s. And i went through the stages of grief, anger etc before I finally decided to leave... .

I guess it will just take time, who knows I'll suddenly have a breakdown... .Till then I m just gonna let it be as it is... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Therapy is the only thing that has helped me, particularly a therapy called ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy).  With a partner (the T), you learn to ditch the numbness and other defenses, get to those deep wounds, feel, regain a sense of emotional freedom and closenes with another, and find your footing in who you are.