Found out the best question to find out if your new parter has BPD

[Hostage1234]

So me and my BPD exgf have been split up for a year and have a 3year old son.i bought this book for her while she was pregnant to recorded her feelings and are journey to give to are son one day.i always remembered asking her why doest she fill this out.well I just took a look at it after all this time.she didn't answer any questions about how she was feeling at any moment.so I released if you ask a woman what there feeling and they avoid the question run fast don't look back don't try to justify it just get out.

[thereishope]

My uBPDh gets angry with me when I am concerned about him and ask him how he's feeling... .That question is threatening to him for some reason... .It seems to trigger thoughts about things he's struggling with, so he likes if I  don't ask him how he's feeling at all... .I wonder why this is the case... .!

[LettingGo14]

So me and my BPD exgf have been split up for a year and have a 3year old son.i bought this book for her while she was pregnant to recorded her feelings and are journey to give to are son one day.i always remembered asking her why doest she fill this out.well I just took a look at it after all this time.she didn't answer any questions about how she was feeling at any moment.so I released if you ask a woman what there feeling and they avoid the question run fast don't look back don't try to justify it just get out.

Hello hostage1234.   I know this is hard, and I am sorry you are hurting.   There is no single question to ask for diagnosis, unfortunately.  Indeed, many of us have undiagnosed ex-partners, and -- while the specter of BPD haunts us -- we can learn tools to help us with our own boundaries and health.  

What are you doing now for your own healing?

[thereishope]

Anyone... .please elaborate! 

[LettingGo14]

Anyone... .please elaborate!  

I'd prefer not to generalize pwBPD because "feeling" states can be overwhelming for many people, with or without diagnosed personality disorder.  There are a whole ranges of psychological "defenses" against overwhelming feeling states -- which, might generally be categorized as dissociative states.  

For me, I have learned that feelings are not facts, and that while thoughts may be "real," they don't have to be true.   Learning to go through emotion is hard for anyone.   Sometimes it's just easier to ignore, or to bury and look outward.

[thereishope]

Anyone... .please elaborate!  

I'd prefer not to generalize pwBPD because "feeling" states can be overwhelming for many people, with or without diagnosed personality disorder.  There are a whole ranges of psychological "defenses" against overwhelming feeling states -- which, might generally be categorized as dissociative states.  

For me, I have learned that feelings are not facts, and that while thoughts may be "real," they don't have to be true.   Learning to go through emotion is hard for anyone.   Sometimes it's just easier to ignore, or to bury and look outward.

Thank you for your insight.  I agree that generalizing isn't good... .just saw a similarity and was asking for others to share any thoughts on similar situations... .Thanks again! 

[Ryan9181]

I get the chills sometimes reading through the forums sometimes when I see the similarities.   My uBPD exgf simply did not like talking about her feelings, and when she did, she said it was a compromise for her, and challenged me to explain where I compromise myself for her and the relationship.   A total mind fk.   I was left kind of believing she had given me a compromise, or eventually had to convince myself as such.   She struggled so much to explain her feelings to me verbally/in person, she would have to text me, while we were in the same room together, if she had something to say, good or bad, with feelings in it.   I grew accustomed to it and eventually didnt think much of it, but it was very awkward at one-on-one dinners, especially if she was mad at me for something.   

[LettingGo14]

I agree that generalizing isn't good... .just saw a similarity and was asking for others to share any thoughts on similar situations... .

Did not mean to suggest you generalized, thereishope.  

You are doing hard work on yourself. And I commend & support you.

I, too, found shared experiences helpful.  The challenge, of course, is to avoid (all of us) an us vs. them trap.  

People dissociate all the time -- I sure did.   Perhaps the single biggest thing I have learned post-relationship with pwBPD is this:  how to hold difficult emotion and go through it -- letting it pass like a storm.  And, prior to this community, I was not much for talking about my "feelings" -- until I was confronted with an overwhelming set of feelings that I could no longer avoid.

[Ryan9181]

I, too, found shared experiences helpful.  The challenge, of course, is to avoid (all of us) an us vs. them trap.  

LettingGo, I am finding myself having comfort in shared experiences.   However, I am cultivating a me vs. her mentality I realize after reading your response.   I'm trying to brew up anger towards her so I can get past the stage of feeling like a victim, and sad.  It's effective for a time but I find myself back in the sadness feeling again. 

Can you elaborate why it's important to not do the us vs. them mentality?   I can see the wisdom in your words, but I dont quite understand it yet.   Is it because it keeps us from dealing with ourselves and working on our own emotions?    Thank you.

[Hostage1234]

My ex BPD gf never raged or called me names so I thought for the most part she was normal until are sex life was once a month and her sleeping with me felt like she was doing me a favor.she would tell her mom are very thing I felt like I was dating her mom... .Also one more red flag if it's early on in the relationship and she refers something like I'll tell mom your stoping by to pick up something .key word mom I'm not your brother we don't share the same mom... .run

[Hostage1234]

The first time I saw there was a problem is when we had a mature discussion on a Thursday and by Saturday it was like she never admitted to anything .i really thought she was joking till she ran home to her moms for a month with my son

[LettingGo14]

LettingGo, I am finding myself having comfort in shared experiences.   However, I am cultivating a me vs. her mentality I realize after reading your response.   I'm trying to brew up anger towards her so I can get past the stage of feeling like a victim, and sad.  It's effective for a time but I find myself back in the sadness feeling again. 

Can you elaborate why it's important to not do the us vs. them mentality?   I can see the wisdom in your words, but I dont quite understand it yet.   Is it because it keeps us from dealing with ourselves and working on our own emotions?    Thank you.

Ryan9181 -- I can share a bit of my experience with you as an answer.   For a long time I was stuck in a ruminating loop because my brain wanted answers.  I fiddled with the bits of information I learned about BPD to try to solve the rubik's cube of relationship, which ended in abandonment.  In short, I tried to think my way out of my pain, and past my trauma.

Ultimately, learning about BPD let me release myself from thinking I could have fixed anything (in her, or in our relationship).  The ship sank.  

Then someone challenged me to re-frame my perspective.   I disliked the concept that "everything happens for a reason" so someone asked me to consider the following:  "it's not what happens to you, it's how you relate to it."

So, I turned the lens on myself.  It's not like I "forgave and forgot... ."  Instead, I just stopped evaluating myself in relation to my ex-girlfriend.   Whatever power I gave her came from me.  After abandonment, I was not stuck in anyone's web, except my own.  And, so I stopped trying to exorcise her ghost -- which, in retrospect, was a creation of my thoughts trying to make sense of it all.

Does that make sense?

[AG]

Thats not going to work to be honest. May work on some though but honestly its not just about BPD. We dont want anything toxic. U want to know if someone is toxic just pay very close attention to theyre actions. This part has alot to do with ourselves. Though I am a big advocateof the keeping BPD the hell away from us. There are other people out there who dont even have an illness and are toxic. I think taking things very very slow and paying attention to actions will tell what kind of person u have. There are many of other people out there waiting to do us dirty besides BPD. Plus BPD for the most part are pathological liars but theyre actions do not lie.

[thereishope]

I agree that generalizing isn't good... .just saw a similarity and was asking for others to share any thoughts on similar situations... .

Did not mean to suggest you generalized, thereishope.  

You are doing hard work on yourself. And I commend & support you.

I, too, found shared experiences helpful.  The challenge, of course, is to avoid (all of us) an us vs. them trap.  

People dissociate all the time -- I sure did.   Perhaps the single biggest thing I have learned post-relationship with pwBPD is this:  how to hold difficult emotion and go through it -- letting it pass like a storm.  And, prior to this community, I was not much for talking about my "feelings" -- until I was confronted with an overwhelming set of feelings that I could no longer avoid.

One thing I've noticed about myself, (and my kids have told me I've been doing this  ... .), is I am tending to take things in a manner where I feel I have to defend/explain myself... .I realize I just did this with you and I apologize.  Even while I was writing back, I was observing myself responding to you, "making sure you knew I was not trying to generalize... .:P... ." and thinking to myself... ."you know, they probably are not even meaning this toward what you just wrote... ." ... .Gotta LOVE BPD and all the lovely personality quirks in ourselves that it digs out of us! 

I can totally relate... .After the horribly shocking trauma of being "introduced" to BPD and living with it in a SO for a while, I realized I was totally not being authentic with people, and even with myself... .This caused me to deal with the fact that I was wearing a mask of sorts, and to start to actually deal with the REAL ME, and my REAL FEELINGS... .I love the way you stated... ."I was not much for talking about my "feelings" -- until I was confronted with an overwhelming set of feelings that I could no longer avoid".  I believe I wasn't even allowing myself to FEEL the feelings that were real, nevermind talk about them!  Soo thankful that this has caused me to be more open and honest... .I really did not realize I wasn't at the time!   

[Ryan9181]

LettingGo, I am finding myself having comfort in shared experiences.   However, I am cultivating a me vs. her mentality I realize after reading your response.   I'm trying to brew up anger towards her so I can get past the stage of feeling like a victim, and sad.  It's effective for a time but I find myself back in the sadness feeling again. 

Can you elaborate why it's important to not do the us vs. them mentality?   I can see the wisdom in your words, but I dont quite understand it yet.   Is it because it keeps us from dealing with ourselves and working on our own emotions?    Thank you.

Ryan9181 -- I can share a bit of my experience with you as an answer.   For a long time I was stuck in a ruminating loop because my brain wanted answers.  I fiddled with the bits of information I learned about BPD to try to solve the rubik's cube of relationship, which ended in abandonment.  In short, I tried to think my way out of my pain, and past my trauma.

Ultimately, learning about BPD let me release myself from thinking I could have fixed anything (in her, or in our relationship).  The ship sank.   

Then someone challenged me to re-frame my perspective.   I disliked the concept that "everything happens for a reason" so someone asked me to consider the following:  "it's not what happens to you, it's how you relate to it."

So, I turned the lens on myself.  It's not like I "forgave and forgot... ."  Instead, I just stopped evaluating myself in relation to my ex-girlfriend.   Whatever power I gave her came from me.  After abandonment, I was not stuck in anyone's web, except my own.  And, so I stopped trying to exorcise her ghost -- which, in retrospect, was a creation of my thoughts trying to make sense of it all.

Does that make sense?

LettingGo, this makes a lot of sense.   However, I see myself glazing over your response as I'm doing exactly what you did, and it's hard to accept this is not the way.   I am trying to think my way out, journal my way out, formulate my way out, and on and on.   I want to move past this, but I'm struggling.   I want my life back to normal, peaceful, centered, with lots of options. 

I am seeing how much I am triggered throughout the day, and how my mind will just wander back to visions of her, what we had, what she's doing now (the worst kind of sexual visions), its like a sick obsession.  It is a ruminating loop as you put it.  And it wants answers.  And there is a huge fear of not finding this again, and by this I mean the good parts of the relationship (which were higher than ever).   I'm not even sure that is possible.  And I worry about the time passing by as I get older into my 30's and still do not have a family.

I am practicing accepting the thoughts and emotions and letting it through me, but I am not good at it.  I tense up, I can't focus, I wander into the thought, rather than let the storm pass.  I can see how this is truly a chapter of my life for learning, growth, and acceptance.   

[LettingGo14]

I am seeing how much I am triggered throughout the day, and how my mind will just wander back to visions of her, what we had, what she's doing now (the worst kind of sexual visions), its like a sick obsession.  It is a ruminating loop as you put it.  And it wants answers.  And there is a huge fear of not finding this again, and by this I mean the good parts of the relationship (which were higher than ever).   I'm not even sure that is possible.  And I worry about the time passing by as I get older into my 30's and still do not have a family.

I am practicing accepting the thoughts and emotions and letting it through me, but I am not good at it.  I tense up, I can't focus, I wander into the thought, rather than let the storm pass.  I can see how this is truly a chapter of my life for learning, growth, and acceptance.   

Ryan9181 -- this is normal, especially the bolded parts.  Except it's hard for us to accept as normal, because we want fixes and we want to feel really "normal" again.

You are very insightful, and I encourage you to give yourself a break as well.  Meaning, give yourself credit for your effort.  Time, as much as anything, gives you space for perspective.  I have read a lot about surviving trauma, and time does provide perspective too.

Don't worry about being "good" at healing -- it's a process, not a switch.  For instance, I have come to think of meditation as a "bicep curl for the brain" (quoting Dan Harris) -- and the more I do it, the more benefit it has, whether I am "good" at it or not.

[Ryan9181]

Thank you, appreciate you writing back.   

[drummerboy]

The thing I love about these message boards is that you get to see that your ex was not unique and just typical for a BPD. My ex had a totally unhealthy relationship with her mother. The mum treated her like a little child which of course is what my exBPDgf was. She used to drive to her daughters house to clean her room! My ex was constantly on the phone to her and I mean 2-3 hours a day, the worst part is that she shared everything with her mum. No intimate detail of our relationship was off limits, she would tell her mum EVERYTHING.

My ex BPD gf never raged or called me names so I thought for the most part she was normal until are sex life was once a month and her sleeping with me felt like she was doing me a favor.she would tell her mom are very thing I felt like I was dating her mom... .Also one more red flag if it's early on in the relationship and she refers something like I'll tell mom your stoping by to pick up something .key word mom I'm not your brother we don't share the same mom... .run

[drummerboy]

This is such good advice! My ex certainly talked the talk but her actions were another matter. I don't think I've ever met such a self absorbed person. Everything was about her, all she talked about was herself. Whenever I tried to express myself she would steer the conversation back to herself. One trait she did not have is lying. I never had any reason to believe that she ever lied to me. She talked the talk about being empathetic but her actions were the opposite. She could be downright cruel to her ex who was actually a nice guy but had some massive mother/co-dependency issues of his own. She would often say that if I did anything wrong that her ex would have her back in a heartbeat and that he would never leave her.

Thats not going to work to be honest. May work on some though but honestly its not just about BPD. We dont want anything toxic. U want to know if someone is toxic just pay very close attention to theyre actions. This part has alot to do with ourselves. Though I am a big advocateof the keeping BPD the hell away from us. There are other people out there who dont even have an illness and are toxic. I think taking things very very slow and paying attention to actions will tell what kind of person u have. There are many of other people out there waiting to do us dirty besides BPD. Plus BPD for the most part are pathological liars but theyre actions do not lie.

[Hostage1234]

I thought mine never lied.so wrong who she was is a lie.she would dickie how she feeling or the things she hated about her self through other people.example this girl from work lies to her boyfriend and cheats on him after work.that was her telling me her guilt.