am I the only one who knows?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My stbxuBPDh acts as if our r/s ended because we weren't a 'good fit'. In my opinion it ended because he declared his love for someone else ON TOP of the angry outbursts I had to endure, the name-calling, the unreasonable demands, the anger whenever I did not immediately respond to his unreasonable demands, the fear, the walking on eggshells, the fact that this was the third (long) episode in six years etc. You know what I'm talking about... .

Fact is, he is very intelligent, high functioning, funny, talkative (too much), a great companion, a good sparring partner in business, a mentor etc.

I was the only one getting all the crap and now that we're divorcing, he's still 'nice' to other people, trying to be 'nice' to me (meaning I just have to 'let go' of my negative thoughts, and everything that he did (which he did 'for effect', or to end an argument in his opinion))

I feel very lonely in this situation. A lot of our mutual friends (actually, more his friends) think he is a really nice, friendly and funny person, but then again, they didn't have to live with him.

Am I the only one who knows his dark side? Does anyone recognise these feelings?

[Tiepje3]

My stbxuBPDh acts as if our r/s ended because we weren't a 'good fit'. In my opinion it ended because he declared his love for someone else ON TOP of the angry outbursts I had to endure, the name-calling, the unreasonable demands, the anger whenever I did not immediately respond to his unreasonable demands, the fear, the walking on eggshells, the fact that this was the third (long) episode in six years etc. You know what I'm talking about... .

Fact is, he is very intelligent, high functioning, funny, talkative (too much), a great companion, a good sparring partner in business, a mentor etc.

I was the only one getting all the crap and now that we're divorcing, he's still 'nice' to other people, trying to be 'nice' to me (meaning I just have to 'let go' of my negative thoughts, and everything that he did (which he did 'for effect', or to end an argument in his opinion))

I feel very lonely in this situation. A lot of our mutual friends (actually, more his friends) think he is a really nice, friendly and funny person, but then again, they didn't have to live with him.

Am I the only one who knows his dark side? Does anyone recognise these feelings?

[Caredverymuch]

My stbxuBPDh acts as if our r/s ended because we weren't a 'good fit'. In my opinion it ended because he declared his love for someone else ON TOP of the angry outbursts I had to endure, the name-calling, the unreasonable demands, the anger whenever I did not immediately respond to his unreasonable demands, the fear, the walking on eggshells, the fact that this was the third (long) episode in six years etc. You know what I'm talking about... .

Fact is, he is very intelligent, high functioning, funny, talkative (too much), a great companion, a good sparring partner in business, a mentor etc.

I was the only one getting all the crap and now that we're divorcing, he's still 'nice' to other people, trying to be 'nice' to me (meaning I just have to 'let go' of my negative thoughts, and everything that he did (which he did 'for effect', or to end an argument in his opinion))

I feel very lonely in this situation. A lot of our mutual friends (actually, more his friends) think he is a really nice, friendly and funny person, but then again, they didn't have to live with him.

Am I the only one who knows his dark side? Does anyone recognise these feelings?

Hi Tiepje3 

Im so sorry for your pain. Yes, many here do recognize your feelings. It's so difficult to be the receipent of the darker sides of BPD bc we love.  They mirror so well in life. I once read that if you took all the various subgroups a pBPD interacts with, they might all "know" a somewhat different person.  Those of us that know them through a loving r/s know a VERY different person than the rest.

My expBPD outside reputation is one of incredible likability, kindness, sensitivity, empathy, compassion, positivity, encouragement and integrity. Most don't mention his name without being very taken with him. Everyone he meets is an instant fan. I was, as well, when I met him.  No one in my world saw the person I knew either. Or rec'd the treatment I, like you, have endured. 

And while I remain in the aftermath of full healing, most ppl continue to have no idea who he really is and still think he is beyond, incredible, and the height of admirable. He has carried on in that way while I have had to heal from much.

It's such a difficult disorder that exists to deny itself. Sending you support 

[Popcorn71]

Yes I know exactly how you are feeling.

My xBPDh still has his large fan club.  I am amazed at how many people are taken in by his Mr Nice Guy act.  But then I was fooled for years and I lived with him!

It makes me sick that he has so many well wishers for him and the replacement.  He was violent and abusive to me and my kids and they still like him!  I sometimes think that there are so many two faced people out there.  I know some of his 'friends' know the truth about what he did but they still don't turn against him.  It makes me wonder what these people are like behind closed doors.  If they think his behaviour is acceptable then what are they capable of?

I have decided that anyone who is a fan of my ex is not welcome in my life.  I have had to drop some 'friends' but no great loss, they are not the kind of people I want to associate with now.  I tend to ignore anyone who has anything to do with my ex.  I know the truth and so do those closest to me.  I really think the truth will show sooner or later anyway.  He is bound to do something else to show his true colours.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do.  It is so unfair but I don't think there is much we can do about it.  People only see what they want to see.

[drummerboy]

I think that only those closest to them know the real truth. My exBPDgf could be very engaging to outsiders, a real joy to be with. Having said that, she could have her rage episodes with people at work and had a poor employment history, she told me about this, I didn't get to see too much of the rage. With me she just withdrew.

My stbxuBPDh acts as if our r/s ended because we weren't a 'good fit'. In my opinion it ended because he declared his love for someone else ON TOP of the angry outbursts I had to endure, the name-calling, the unreasonable demands, the anger whenever I did not immediately respond to his unreasonable demands, the fear, the walking on eggshells, the fact that this was the third (long) episode in six years etc. You know what I'm talking about... .

Fact is, he is very intelligent, high functioning, funny, talkative (too much), a great companion, a good sparring partner in business, a mentor etc.

I was the only one getting all the crap and now that we're divorcing, he's still 'nice' to other people, trying to be 'nice' to me (meaning I just have to 'let go' of my negative thoughts, and everything that he did (which he did 'for effect', or to end an argument in his opinion))

I feel very lonely in this situation. A lot of our mutual friends (actually, more his friends) think he is a really nice, friendly and funny person, but then again, they didn't have to live with him.

Am I the only one who knows his dark side? Does anyone recognise these feelings?

[elessar]

Hi Tiepje3,

Yes, me, CVM, and Popcorn71 can totally attest to what you are feeling. The biggest stress in my life was that she was so high functioning, none saw the hell she would create and no one would believe me. Just like you, over the course of our relationship she always said "we have issues/differences" but she could never pick one. Sometimes it was my height (an inch shorter), sometimes my age (a year younger), sometimes my income (she earns ~140k) etc etc. Sometimes I am not of her religion (like she practices anything). And her reasons varied based on her mood. Yet why would she keep coming back and wanting to marry me if she felt "we have so many issues".

It is truly a lonely feeling because with a low functioning BPD, many people see the behaviors, the medications, the hospitalizations. With a high functioning one, they are called invisible borderlines... .only visible to those whom they are emotionally attached to. Because that is when their inner child tantrums comes out.

Stop Walking on Eggshells quite well covers the high functioning borderline. I have given up trying to convince people about my pain. The couple of people who get it, I am grateful to them. Rest, I am grateful to the people here. The way I have dealt with it is that "I deserve better. Whether anyone else sees or not, I know what happened. And she might be in the honeymoon phase with her new fiance whom she knows for two months. But the moment emotional/physical intimacy gets nearer, all drama will slowly start."

[ajr5679]

she only had two or three friends that would put up with her always canceling plans on them. her family knew she would leave because she always leaves. her sister wanted to buy a place where we lived, but she did not want to because she knew her sister would leave. her daughter would always asked her when are you leaving this place? why would say why  do keep running?

her  son told me one time mom will leave or kick me out when she gets tired of me or i become to much to handle.

she has now painted me black and moved on to someone else. it is sad but i know this one will only last a year too.

when my ex was triggered she would run and has been doing this for years.

[Infern0]

I was quite fortunate because a lot of the people around me picked up quite early that she wasn't the best person. One colleague said "she looks like someone who would grab a gun and go on a killing spree" a few others "just didn't like her".

So when it all came out I was surprised how they closed ranks and supported and belived me, I just had to put up with some I told you s o'clock

In looking back she seems to either keep people in her life separated, she has three friends, two girls who have no interaction and my replacement. I never met any of them. She also seems to go through periods of completely changing her peer group, there are lots of "bffs" who seem to have vanished from her life.

I'd love to speak to some of the people from her past, I bet If we all got together we could share some stories

[Take2]

My ex is very high functioning but he's worked at our company long enough (8 years) that those around us know he at the very least has a very, very bad temper.  A friend at work who knows a bit about the insanity that has surrounded me in the r/s with the exuBPDbf told me recently that many can see he's unstable but they see he completely loses it when it comes to anything to do with me.  I think the longer coworkers or acquiantances are around him, they can't help but see  someone who reacts disproportionately in anger to certain situations.  Although as much as they think they see... .  they still have NO idea at all what he's really like behind closed doors.

As high functioning as my ex has always seemed to be, I think he is less so than he was 5 years ago.  Although to be fair, that might be because I know him for who he truly is and I still have the anger and rage directed at me despite us long over because NC has been so difficult when we work together. 

[levelup]

People sometimes notice that something is "off" about my stbx, but she doesn't show the scariest sides of her to anybody outside of her family.  They wouldn't recognize anything wrong, as she can be tame compared to the rest of them.

[RisingSun]

I thought I was the only one who knew that my stbxw was a an emotional derelict. She was high functioning as well.

Although when the divorce was on and word got out, everyone who knew us both said I was differently better off and that I should be thankful she was gone.

Most wanted to speak up before we split but didn't feel comfortable being upfront with me. The flood gates opened when they saw that it was safe to give their opinion.

This was extremely validating to hear that others picked up on her disfunction.

You may be surprised how many people will pick up on someone's inner landscape. I think people know more than we give them credit for.

So my answer is no, you're likely not the only one who knows. Even if that were the case, your close friends and family are the only ones who matter in this regard.

They will support you through this and will acknowledge the truth of who he is behind closed doors.

[Tiepje3]

I guess I'm also disappointed in the fact that although other people around me may know (by their own observation or by me telling them) no one steps up for me, no one confronts him and tells him this is no way to treat your wife. That's another reason I feel lonely.

I've recorded one of his ravings (full of F-words, name-calling etc) It was the result of me asking gently not to turn on the dryer at 06.30 am when everybody was still sleeping (lots of noise). I've let a few good friends hear that recording.

So, even if people do know, how come no confronts him? Or am I expecting too much?

Maybe I should aks myself if I would tell a friend's husband to sod off. Hmmmm, don't think so either. I guess I'm expecting too much then.

[Take2]

Tiepje3... .I think most people are afraid to get involved in someone else's business.  Although you would hope your friends and family would stand up for you - but more importantly is that they talk to YOU about what is going on if they see or suspect it and support YOU.  Confronting him probably wouldn't be a very good idea.  He won't change from it and he'd probably deny it anyway, put you down and make you seem like the crazy one. 

[pieceofme]

My stbxuBPDh acts as if our r/s ended because we weren't a 'good fit'. In my opinion it ended because he declared his love for someone else ON TOP of the angry outbursts I had to endure, the name-calling, the unreasonable demands, the anger whenever I did not immediately respond to his unreasonable demands, the fear, the walking on eggshells, the fact that this was the third (long) episode in six years etc. You know what I'm talking about... .

my ex has given a variety of reasons, as well. while they change depending on his mood (or which way the wind blows), most are frivolous. my opinion as to the ending is the exact same as yours. He is in the midst of a smear campaign against me and I am humiliated to see our mutual friends. im certain he's told them horrible lies about me and I'm certain they believe him. in our case, aside from his other ex, I feel like I'm the only one who knows. This alienation just adds another layer of hurt to the destruction he's caused.