A decade of helping her work through her issues and all it got me was a divorce.

[ADecadeLost]

Something happened this evening that I've expected for months, but even in the aftermath struggle to accept as reality.  My BPD wife, the woman whom I began dating 10 years ago next week, told me she wanted a divorce.

And the truth is, I don't know how to feel.  I've balled my eyes out intermittently since the phone call, gone numb, and momentarily filled with rage at no person in particular, but the situation as a whole.  This is the person I have devoted my adult life to, whom I suffered abuses from during the worst of our early years, and whom I have helped walk through the process of acknowledging her problems and seeking the help she so desperately needed for them.

Now as she becomes a more complete person, dealing with her demons and learning to cope in a way she could not before (18 months into DBT), she decides that she is no longer in love with me.  And while the rift has been apparent for the better part of 9 months, the finality of the conclusion I knew was coming is crushing.  Not solely the fact that she is no longer in love with me, but perhaps the fact that my efforts to help her (codependent nature, no doubt) led to me losing her. 

For a decade, I poured myself into her (my mistake, I know).  And now seeing the dream of stability and happiness ripped from me as it had just begun to materialize has left me empty.  It is recognition that my value to her was ephemeral.  As if I were something to be discarded when she was done with me.

Perhaps worse than that it is the recognition that maybe, just maybe, she has grown beyond me and that some deeply seeded emotional immaturity that led me into such a relationship to begin with, has now left me behind as she strives to improve.

As it stands, I am not at the point yet where I can hate her, but certainly don't blame myself for this either.  Now, sitting alone in a house filled with pictures of our decade together, I need to find my way through this.  With no family nearby, and my closest friend in town recently departed for a year abroad, it's going to be a long evening.  At least, I have my dog and a place like this to vent.

I'm sure I'll be around a lot in the coming weeks, but have to say this was cathartic for now.

Thanks for all those who have posted before me.  They'll be of great help as I work through this.

A_Decade_Lost (formerly LovingHusband09)

[enlighten me]

Hi A_decade_lost

Im sorry to read your post. I understand the heartbreak of losing a wife you have loved for so long. I think in a way I am glad that I wasn't aware of BPD with mine as what you have been through with the knowledge of BPD and getting her the treatment only to be told she wants a divorce is more than cruel.

I really feel for you and hope you find the strength to get through this.

[Tibbles]

Hang in there, I can relate to how you are feeling. I was with my exhBPD for 30 years and he was the one to call it quits. It's hard after all the effort and craziness that we put up with and worked through and stayed regardless (your right co-dependent issues on my side for sure). Things that helped me - Take it one day at a time, focus on what makes you feel good and do it, practice gratitude for all that you do have and find yourself a therapist, I know you said your best friend has left for a year but even if they were there, I've found friends don't really get it and they can get tired of hearing about life's dramas - a therapist is paid to listen, its feels great talking about yourself and your issues and I have found it really helpful . Hope you start to feel better soon, better days are ahead, promise.

[MommaBear]

Hey Decade,

Reading your post here tonight has hit a cord with me. While I left my xhwBPD about 1.5 years ago, and am still navigating a divorce, tonight is just one of those nights for me, where a lot of what you've written here reflects how I'm feeling.

My ex went into CBT and read some self-help book on ACT, then decided that so long as he occasionally dresses up the blame he places on me with a catch-phrase like, "well, I wasn't a perfect husband, but you never ... ." or "I admit I made mistakes, but you always ... ." then his therapy is complete.

I never, ever got closure, and I always wonder if the therapy magically worked and he just left me because I'm worthless and someone - ANYONE - better was worth exercising his new found self-awareness and emotional maturity on. Maybe he was cured and everything really was my fault? After all, I was an enabler, right?

But the people here, and 2 Ts and told me that there is no WAY he's cured, and that in many cases, pwBPD need YEARS (not months) of therapy in order to return/establish to some sort of healthy baseline. What happens, more often than not, is that suddenly the therapy forces them on a more conscious level of have to face up all the crummy things that they put us through, and they snap. Rather than live up to, and face the consequences of, their behavior, they go into one last horrific cycle and slam us into the discard phase without warning.

It's as if they need to learn to walk before they can run, and looking back on a decade's long failed marriage is like running 5 consecutive marathons, so they just end the relationship because the work they have to do in terms of facing up to what we've gone through is just too overwhelming, and the sense of shame and failure is so massive, they panic and go back to what they've always known.

The therapy didn't make her realize that you're the problem. The therapy has forced her to take a good long look (internally) at everything she's done, and she can't face up to it. She knows where the therapy will lead, and she just can't handle it.

This, I think, is the hardest thing for those of us who have tried to make our marriages work and have had spouses go through some kind of therapy. But you're not alone.

Not, the DBT didn't make her realize anything about YOU. It's not our fault. BPD is triggered by intimacy and by abandonment, and facing up to years of emotional abuse is like having those two triggers magnified by 100000 and focused right into the heart of all you've been. pwBPD very often can't handle it.

Hang in there. 

[Hopeless777]

Yes, A Decade Lost, it's tough. Mine was almost three decades lost. No one but those here understand the pain we go through. Know you have empathetic Frieda here.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi Decade,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I was only engaged and in a r/s for a total of 9 months. It's been nearly 4 years since it ended. I was deeply in love, and I wanted to work through things. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we married. I think she would have completely turned on me or flipped out if I had pushed for counseling. I asked her, but she always said we talked about everything. If I pushed for it, I think she would have sabotaged the r/s, but what can you do? I know that I really did love her despite her fears and insecurities. In the end I don't think she believed that I would have stayed with her. Maybe in a way she knew she did not have the will or ability to change.

I'm sorry that you lost so much. My dream was shattered, too, and it was while we were on an upswing and things seemed to be going very well. I was still in the honeymoon phase and never saw it coming and never had any idea there was anything like BPD.

One of the good things I can take from the experience is knowing that I did love her very much, and probably a part of me always will. I just need to find someone who can reciprocate. It's hard, but time heals, and someday things will work out for you. Sending prayers and positive energy your way!

[ADecadeLost]

Thank you all for the supportive words, and my apologies for the delayed response.  A friend traveled in from out of state to spend the long weekend with me after the news, so I was able to distract myself for a few days while the shock wore off and have since spent a good bit of time soul-searching since he left.

I feel I'm seeing a little clearer at this point now that the shock has worn off, and hope I can navigate my way through what's ahead of me with the support of family and friends.  One of my employees (it's a small enough company that she may as well be family), has served as a great sounding board this week.  She knows my wife well (one of the few my wife has opened up to about her therapy) and has an undiagnosed BPD boyfriend at home, so it has helped to have someone who understands where I am coming from nearby.

I'm now preparing myself for seeing my wife face to face this Friday when she flies back into town to pick up her things.  She has been out of town on work for months and this will be the first time we've had to really talk face to face in a while.  Hopefully, I can maintain the composure I need to work my way through it.

MommaBear - You are correct about her reasoning.  Since early in her therapy she has stated that it might just be easier to go through it on her own (without me or her family) and I know that is at the root of this decision.  It still stings the same, but I keep trying to remind myself of her reasoning if only to dull the pain eventually.

Thanks again to all of you for the kind words.  I probably won't be on much the next few weeks as we work out the details, but will be back to share when I have time to breathe again.  Here's hoping things go as smoothly as possible given the situation.

[michel71]

Hey Decade... .my heart goes out to you man. You really put your all into this relationship and for that you can never be sorry. She discarded you. And it feels like crap. She is no longer worthy of you. You did it all right my friend. Have no regrets. Concentrate on you and what you need. Take down those pictures. Just put them in a box deep into your garage. Steel yourself. Make time to cry and feel your feelings. Keep on going though. Work and connection with others, seeing a T, coming here is what will get you through. You have a mission now. IT'S YOU! And you will be just fine.

[enlighten me]

Hi Decade

Im sorry to say but this isn't the first time that I have heard of this.

Its seems that sometimes when they become aware of everything they have put you through the shame makes them leave.

Having to face the person that they have hurt so much on a daily basis must be very hard for them. I realise that this may not help but hopefully it may give an insight into why after everything you've been through she has left.

Good luck on your journey.

EM