supervised visitation

[Mrs. Hyde]

My soon to be ex has been contacting me via email about seeing our 8 week old son.  I was awarded temporary custody and he hasn't seen the baby in 6 days.  He is allowed court ordered supervised visits and I'm not sure how this works or what's appropriate.  My attorney was vague and really said it all depends on what I'm comfortable with.  I am going to talk to my attorney later today to determine the visitation schedule so I need some advice

First let me say that his emails are pulling at my heartstrings and I'm struggling.  My head keeps reminding me that he tried to take our baby away from me and that he has lied and hurt me terribly and most important that he has endangered our baby on numerous occasions. I know he is a master manipulator but I am having trouble not getting sucked into his spell.

He initially asked if his mom could be the supervisor and I said no.  He said I could stay there as well but I don't want to do that it would be awkward and it would give him and his family an opportunity to sway me.  I told him my father would do it and he could come to his house.  He said he would be uncomfortable at my dads... .could we (me my dad and him) go to our marital house which he was just kicked out of and do it there.  I don't want to go there because I dont want him to get comfortable coming over and "hanging out"

I was thinking of having a court ordered supervisor that he has to pay for and doing 2 hours twice or 3 times per week.  Does this sound reasonable?  Any advice on this issue would be greatly appreciated

[GaGrl]

In a situation in which the child has been endangered, and in which you've felt there was a possibility of his behavior escalating, you'd probably be better off avoiding a relative (on either side) as a supervisor.  You probably don't trust his relatives to control what he might do (take off with the baby?), and why put your father in the middle of escalated behavior?

[catnap]

From his past behavior with the baby--go with the professional supervised visitation. 

Professional supervised visitation, in our jurisdiction worked like this: both parents (at different times) were required to attend an orientation and the facility reports to the court as well as to your attorney. 

My son's exgf was offered this, but refused to use it.  Son did go to the required orientation (they charged $75) and was given a very thorough explanation of what they do--he was most comforted by the fact there would be a trained worker in the room at all times.  Parents park in separate parking lots, and leave at staggered 15 minute intervals.  For instance you would arrive with the baby 15 minutes prior to his visitation time.  A worker takes the baby to the father.  When the visit is over you and the baby leave.  15 minutes later, he leaves.

[ForeverDad]

He said he would be uncomfortable at my dads... .could we (me my dad and him) go to our marital house which he was just kicked out of and do it there.  I don't want to go there because I don't want him to get comfortable coming over and "hanging out".

Good instincts.  You just got a protection order, it probably includes your home too, and he's already suggesting coming back to a once-private environment.  Yes, he said your father would be there, but still it would weaken your boundaries, besides possibly violating the current order.  In other words, your home needs to be your 'safe place' for you and your child and him returning would violate your new boundary.  Though we don't know the details of his behaviors, for now a professional scenario would be a sensible selection.  It certainly would not be unreasonable, at least for now.

Your feelings for him are not unexpected.  It happens to all of us.  In my case, my then-spouse was charged with threat of DV (death threats and I got the police involved) and I had a temporary protective order for nearly 5 months.  Naturally she went out and got one of her own and unsuccessfully tried to include our preschooler by making allegations, to start with, of child neglect or endangerment.  Despite that I recall trying to ask her (through her attorney who was present) if she wanted to reconcile.

Be prepared for those tugs of emotions.  You were in a close relationship, you just can't turn off the emotions and memories like closing a door.  Just maybe - though our experience is it is unlikely - if he gets into serious therapy and is firmly on the path to recovery and makes positive changes over months and years, maybe you could ponder getting back together.  But as he is, untreated, and almost certain to revert to past behaviors if allowed to slip back into your life, you can't risk it.

Besides here in peer support (been there, done that) also find a good counselor for yourself who can keep you balanced and objective, not letting you guilt yourself overmuch but neither letting you expose yourself to risky thinking triggered by memories.

[Matt]

I was thinking of having a court ordered supervisor that he has to pay for and doing 2 hours twice or 3 times per week.  Does this sound reasonable?  Any advice on this issue would be greatly appreciated

Your son has one parent who is capable of making good judgments - you.

Your judgment is that 2 hours, two or three times a week, with professional supervision, would be safe for your son.

There is no reason to do anything else.  Offer that, by e-mail, so there is a record that you gave him that option - at your his expense - put the burden on him to do the proper paperwork and set it up according to your reasonable decision - and if he does that, great.  If he doesn't - if he tries to get you to do all the work - do nothing.  That will show what he's made of.

[Bellerphon]

My soon to be ex has been contacting me via email about seeing our 8 week old son.  I was awarded temporary custody and he hasn't seen the baby in 6 days.  He is allowed court ordered supervised visits and I'm not sure how this works or what's appropriate.  My attorney was vague and really said it all depends on what I'm comfortable with.  I am going to talk to my attorney later today to determine the visitation schedule so I need some advice

2 hours with an 8 week old boy?

I would ask these questions:

1. Get a professional agency, and have it in a professional environment. (liability and transparency).

2. I would inquire what support services could be made to "train the father - diapers, feeding, burping etc... ."

3. Talk with an attachment therapy specialist about the appropriateness of exposure at 8 weeks.