2 weeks NC - Feeling the pain

[StayOrLeave15]

Over the course of the summer I became a pretty active member of these boards.  Eventually my relationship with my now uBPDxgf fell apart, but I am still feeling the pain from it. 

I've told my story on here many times and got a great deal of support, as well as many people saying "Wow, that sounds just like my life."  So here is how the story ends:

One month ago she broke up with me and I thought it was for real this time (probably the tenth time she had done it in six months, but this time was different).  I went one week NC, felt pretty down, then the first day I start feeling better I get a barrage of messages from her, insinuating a suicide threat.  I really missed her and even though I knew it wasn't the best idea, I went and saw her, consoled her, and over the next week and a half things more or less returned to normal. 

Then two weeks ago, she snapped.  She was calling me and texting me nonstop saying the most horrible things to me, destroying my self-esteem, and making demands.  She said if I didn't fulfill her demands she would report me to the police for something that I did not do - I was terrified because it would be her word against mine and I could end up being charged with something even though I had done nothing. 

At this point I returned her things to her and left her house - actually she kicked me out as I foolishly tried to reason with her but she was so far gone that there was no coming back.  At that point I decided I would never be in contact with her again.  Over the last two weeks she has been harassing me nonstop.  There have been days when she calls my phone 50 times.  Then she'll send 100 text messages. Emails from 10 different addresses.  Showing up at my home and being turned away by the guard as I told him to not allow her in. She says she just wants to "talk for five minutes" and she "really needs me" but I know that if I go down that road it will just start the cycle all over again.

I've been strong over these past two weeks refusing to answer her at all, but now the pain of loneliness has really set in.  I know just how unhealthy she is for me - not to mention dangerous with her threats of telling stories to the authorities.  My rational brain tells me to stay away, and so far it is winning out over my emotional brain that wants to see her.  Every time I get tempted I look at the screenshots of the absolutely horrible texts and threats she sent me and it brings me back. But the pain is there.  I worry that in the future I will compare every female to her and that none will measure up.  But I'm trying to stay in the present.  It's okay to be a bit sad, the end of this relationship was a true loss for me, but in the big picture it is the right thing.  That said, my heart hurts, and I am hoping that it will heal soon.  This was a true roller coaster ride, and while the highs were great, the lows took such a toll on my self-esteem.  I am hoping that it will not take too long to build that back up, and that I will recover from this chapter of my life. 

[Tiepje3]

I recognise this. Even though I'm not NC yet due to divorce proceedings, I feel the heartache soo much. It is a real physical pain and I know I have to go right through it. I cry, I talk to people, I cry some more. But my mind knows what's best. Especially since he's moved on and replaced me. There is no turning back, even though I only want to be in his arms again.

What helps me though, is NOT looking at pictures of good times, NOT listening to 'our' songs, NOT listening to any love songs, doing everything in a different way, making new friend, joining a new group, reading stories on this board, meditating and every time a memory of the intense love we shared tries to pop up I block it with the image of him ranting and raving at me.

It is very hard, I agree, but sometimes we have to listen to our mind and not to our heart, because sometimes we know what's best for us. We deserve more, we deserve better. We didn't deserve this.

Stay strong, cry if you want to, but don't go back to that unhealthy situation!

[willtimeheal]

I know this feeling well. She is a drug and man you are addicted. Start focusing on you. Distract yourself and stay busy. Join a club or a gym. Get out with friends even if you don't want to.  You have to get back into the swing of life. You will have good days and bad days. If you need to cry and feel the pain and loss feel it and then move on. Some one on this board always quotes a Buddha saying ... ."lean into the spear."  It takes time but it does get better but give it time.

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you for your kind words Tiepje.  I've cut off any type of social media connection, no longer check to see if she is online, etc., all of the above.  Every time I think of holding her in my arms I remind myself of her raging at me, screaming and telling me what a piece of garbage I am.

Willtimeheal, I know you've responded to my posts in the past.  I've been doing my best to stay busy but today was just a really hard day.  I reached out to friends to go out tonight but sort of sabotaged myself saying "We'll meet up later," and then it never materialized.  So here I am sitting home at 1am on a Friday night thinking about her.  Maybe she is at home in pain too.  Maybe she is in bed with another guy.  Maybe she's on vacation in another state or country.  But you know what?  It really doesn't matter what she's doing because I want her out of my life.  There's that tiny piece of hope in me that somehow things could work.  But then I tell myself it isn't possible and I am doing the right thing.  I am "leaning into the spear" and feeling the pain. 

The past two weeks I've been numbing myself with alcohol but I have acknowledged that is not a healthy coping mechanism.  Having a few drinks with friends is fine but going out and getting trashed is a temporary solution and an unhealthy one.  Today I chose not to drink but that does cause me to feel the pain more.  But this is a process.  I live in a major city, so if I wanted to I could go out to a bar, get drunk, and try to and meet some random girl to validate myself for the evening.  I'm young and apparently attractive but right now my self-confidence is quite low, so again, doing something like this is just a temporary band-aid and might just be setting myself up for more disappointment.  I need to work on myself and seek out healthy ways to cope and get on with my life.  As my therapist would say, "Create a life worth living."  In many ways this relationship has taken me to such a low place, but on the other hand I've learned so much from it.  I met another girl and some red flags from my uBPDxgf started popping up so I did not continue with her.  I feel that's a step in the right direction. One day at a time, and to take another page out of my therapist's book I am going to try and "not give in to the depression".  I can't promise I will make the right decision every time in my day-to-day life, but I am committed to not responding to or contacting her.  And for now, that is enough. 

[camuse]

Sorry for your pain. I am feeling pretty awful at the moment - technically 3 weeks NC, but before that last contact was about 7 weeks. My life has improved massively but I still have an awful feeling of loss and emptiness that I can't shift. I'm just hoping that as long as I can get through each day, eventually it will be gone. It's awful though.

I too have been numbing the pain with alcohol, I too know this has to cease. I don't want to be numbing pain with alcohol, I want to be healthy mentally and physically but it's too hard at the moment. I'm compensating by eating very well and working out every day. I need the pain to subside so I can cope without self-medicating, but I'm surprised how long it's taking.

My mistake was being "friends" for a few weeks after we split up - she insisted, and made me feel guilty for not wanting to. I think this period has added a few weeks to the recovery time. And although breaking NC that time briefly gave me a lot of closure and proved for once and for all that it wasn't about me, it probably also has dragged out the recovery.

I'm just accepting it will take as long as it takes now, but it will end at some point. I just can't believe this has happened to me, how on earth did I get into this mess? I was fine before all this nightmare! How did I let someone do this to me?

Sorry to go on about myself, I'm just sympathising - I know how awful it is and you are not alone. Keep posting, we are all going to be fine in the end 

[Tiepje3]

... .and it helps me a lot to read that other people are going through the heartache as well and have the same doubts as me. Is it BPD or is it me? Am I sure it's not worth another try, there's such a nice, funny and gentle man under all the bad behaviour. Maybe... .later... .when he 'gets back to normal'. But alas, the best thing to do is to cut the ties and move on.

It helps me talk to other people about situations I've been in with him (the bad ones) and show them a recording of one of his outbursts. They say that someone who loves someone else, shouldn't behave like that, there are other options to express your disagreement.

It helps me to read that other people have the same jealous feelings towards the replacement. After all, we're only human.

It helps me to read that other people also felt they'd met the love of their life and are doubting the fact that they will ever be in a r/s like that again.

But it also helps me to read that people ARE able to move on and create a new life for themselves.

Sometimes the right thing to do and the hardest thing to do are the same (quote from internet).

[Recooperating]

I soo understand the feelings, the heartache, the thoughts... .The constant inner dialog between heart and mind... .

NC for 2 weeks and man its hard! First days werent hard at all. Denial is bliss

But now Im starting to hurt like a mofo! He started a smear campaign on social media (swore I wouldnt check out his page... .But couldnt resist yesterday) and tried to get back to one of the women he had an affair with. This woman made my life miserable stalking me harrasing me... .He painted her black and swore his loyalty to me... .Now they are buddies again... .2 weeks after our break up, 2 weeks before we were supppse to get married... .The things he says about me on FB are absolutely ridiculous and really show his instability. From love to hate, to blaming me for everything... .The most ridiculous things... .

I know this should be any of my concern... .I should be happy he found a replacement, takes the heat of of me. Its none of my business what and who he "does".

I should be soo happy I managed to get out. The things that happened in this relationship are soo beyond acceptable. Looking back I dont know why I put up with it! And I really mist admit that the high were sometimes very uncomfortable and akward...

But I miss him, i love him, damn it! Why, he is such a complete jerk! I really dont want to go back ever! I want something that doesnt excists... .A dream... .Its never gonna happen... .I tried and tried, but it only ruined me, ___ed up my life, my health, my job and finances completely! Only so he could hump the next victim... .

I left the crazy train, I got off the rollercoaster, but emotionally I feel as if Im still on it! I want peace, I want him out of my head, out of my life, gone!

I wish there was a pill or a switch... .

[willtimeheal]

I wish there was a pill or a switch... .

I wish there was too!

[StayOrLeave15]

Tiepje, you are right that it helps to see that other people are going through the same pain.  While I wouldn't want anyone to suffer, it reminds me that my feelings are normal, as difficult as they may be. 

I think the trigger for me the last few days has been that it is Labor Day weekend and none of my friends are around.  I tried to plan a trip out of town with some people but I just couldn't make it happen.  I considered going somewhere on my own, but to be completely honest I don't trust myself right now.  I would likely drink too much and get myself into a bad/dangerous situation, so instead I'm staring at the walls of my home.

Like you guys said, I wish there was a pill or a switch to just forget about her.  pwBPD have a switch, right?  They go from idealizing you to hating you and tearing you apart in the blink of an eye.  But again, I can't even imagine what it is like to go through a day in a pwBPD's shoes.  They experience emotions differently than we do or ever will, thus the nature of the relationship is one where their partners can get very, very hurt. 

I've had women hurt me in the past before, but nothing compares to this sense of loss and emptiness.  She did and said such horrible things to me yet I can't stop thinking about her.  There was another girl who hurt me quite badly in the past but she was not a pwBPD, simply a manipulative person.  When I discovered who she really was it took me only a week or so to get over her and that was that. 

The highs that a pwBPD can take you to make it so incredibly difficult to move on and I can see why so many people (including myself) keep letting themselves get recycled.  But this time is different.  I am not giving in and I am going to remain strong.  That comes with the price of the loneliness and suffering, but in the end it is less pain than continuing on with her... .

[willtimeheal]

Sorry for your pain. I am feeling pretty awful at the moment - technically 3 weeks NC, but before that last contact was about 7 weeks. My life has improved massively but I still have an awful feeling of loss and emptiness that I can't shift. I'm just hoping that as long as I can get through each day, eventually it will be gone. It's awful though.

I just can't believe this has happened to me, how on earth did I get into this mess? I was fine before all this nightmare! How did I let someone do this to me?

I have so much respect for you guys. I have no doubt that if the ex called I would jump right back into the game. But I agree my life in the last week's has improved but the emptiness and loneliness feeling is awful. I can't get it to shift either.

I also find myself asking how did I let this happen to me. I have explored it extensively in therapy and have found some answers but even with those answers it doesn't ease the pain. The hardest part for me is I don't have BPD and here I am broken and empty and man that pisses me off.

[Hope0807]

StayOrLeave15,

Like many here, I so share where you are right now and applaud your strength.  Great to hear that you actually have a guard at where you reside that can help you turn her away.  That's a huge plus to aid with your determination to keep NC.  While time can be our best friend, it can also be our biggest enemy in this unique BPD dance, as we nons cling to wonderful memories and the pwBPD move on with only the last negative image they created of us.  I've been educating myself a ton and forcing myself to stay busy.  The idle, lonely moments only make the "lonely" feel that much worse.  Get sunshine and fresh air whenever possible.  Feed your soul with everything that feels right and true.  This bpdfamily is here for you.  You are not alone. 

[hurting300]

I'm five months NO contact. Not by my choice.