Always dates the same type of person.,..

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I was just thinking of this, but is there a personality type of someone who seems to date borderlines all the time? Do certain people attract this type of person? I don't know why, but for some reason my brothers exfiance popped up in my head. He and her were together for over 6 years and engaged for the last two. They broke up because my brother caught her cheating. She was cheating for over a year and a half. I think it actually started around the time they had gotten Engaged. I don't even know why she said yes. I think her affair was in its infancy at that time. Anyway I was very aware that it was going on, well before my brother was. I saw all the signs.

When they broke it off, my brother said he thought she had BPD. We went down the list of characteristics and she did seem to have a lot of them. The black and white thinking, the stormy relationships, the identity disturbances, etc etc. When I compare her to his current wife however, it seems she may have not had BPD but just had a lot of the traits.

A few months back he started doing research online about his current wife's behaviors and once again, he thought he was with a pwBPD. She seems to fit the profile way more. Plus I think she's also a narcissist. In a conversation we had, where he was telling me that he started to go to therapy (because of her) he acknowledged that he needed to figure out why he ends up in the same type of relationships, he always seems to get pulled in.

So is it possible he could have really, consecutively dated two borderlines? What are the chances? If so, then what does it say about him? Why does he seem to not learn from his past? Is this common? Do many people seem to date borderline after borderline?

[Youcantfoolme]

I was just thinking of this, but is there a personality type of someone who seems to date borderlines all the time? Do certain people attract this type of person? I don't know why, but for some reason my brothers exfiance popped up in my head. He and her were together for over 6 years and engaged for the last two. They broke up because my brother caught her cheating. She was cheating for over a year and a half. I think it actually started around the time they had gotten Engaged. I don't even know why she said yes. I think her affair was in its infancy at that time. Anyway I was very aware that it was going on, well before my brother was. I saw all the signs.

When they broke it off, my brother said he thought she had BPD. We went down the list of characteristics and she did seem to have a lot of them. The black and white thinking, the stormy relationships, the identity disturbances, etc etc. When I compare her to his current wife however, it seems she may have not had BPD but just had a lot of the traits.

A few months back he started doing research online about his current wife's behaviors and once again, he thought he was with a pwBPD. She seems to fit the profile way more. Plus I think she's also a narcissist. In a conversation we had, where he was telling me that he started to go to therapy (because of her) he acknowledged that he needed to figure out why he ends up in the same type of relationships, he always seems to get pulled in.

So is it possible he could have really, consecutively dated two borderlines? What are the chances? If so, then what does it say about him? Why does he seem to not learn from his past? Is this common? Do many people seem to date borderline after borderline?

[Aussie JJ]

Yes Yes and Yes,

First GF I lived with now diagnosed BPD, second GF I lived with some serious HPD in her, last exBPDgf, well, shes BPD and then some.  I went on a date 2-3 months ago, did my red flags test and ran like the wind.  BPD again.  I am not dating until I figure myself out. 

I can tell BPD from a few things now, I have my questions that bring out the emotions for them and stop them cold.  When this happens I run for the hills. 

My best is when they talk about ex partners or something, ask them how that makes them feel.  When they clam up instantly as the feelings are so painful I know. 

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you for being honest and sharing Aussie. I think that's a very hard thing for people to admit sometimes. It's great though that you've learned how to look out for the red flags. From what I've read, people who don't see their fault in past relationships (ie they place all the blame on the other person for why the relationship failed) are usually people who have issues with relationships. Also if someone wants to move very fast or pressures you for commitment, early on in the relationship, is a huge red flag. Another indication, is the intensity of the connection they feel with you. If the person is telling you, you're his/her soulmate and things to that nature, after a very short period of knowing each other, that's a huge red flag. Healthy love and relAtionships take time to form.

When my brother started dating his current wife, there were red flags being waved in every direction. Most he missed, but there were a lot. He even raised some of his concerns with me but ultimately, talked himself out of them.

[fromheeltoheal]

Personality disorders exist on a spectrum, a continuum, and most of us exhibit what could be considered "borderline traits" at one point or another.  Folks who could warrant a clinical diagnosis of BPD are a very small percentage of the population, while people who exhibit significant traits consistently are maybe 5 times more prevalent.  I never knew any of that when I was in it, and there's a language that the mental health community uses to describe and categorize people, useful to them, but I find the jargon limiting at times, with us too quick to slap labels on people.

So climbing away from that, I've been learning about attachment styles; there are 3 main ones, with a hybrid 4th.  The three are secure, anxious and avoidant, with an estimated 60% being secure, 20% anxious and 20% avoidant.  That's 100% of the population, everybody's got one, much more useful to me than looking at the couple of percent that have personality disorders.

I very much have an anxious style, and have learned that someone with an anxious style getting together with someone with an avoidant style, an anxious-avoidant relationship as it's called, is going to be painful for the anxious one.  FYI, anxious people want and need a close emotional bond with their partner and lots of validation and assurance as to where the relationship stands, lots of physical affection, lots of teamwork and focus on the relationship.  An avoidant partner wants emotional distance because they value their independence and don't want to be what they consider controlled, so will use distancing behaviors, and when that happens, an anxious partner will use protest behavior, as the dysfunction escalates. 

That's a very brief and undetailed description of the interaction in an anxious-avoidant relationship, but the full description speaks to me very well.  BPD is a personality disorder, not an attachment style, but in the later stages of a relationship with a borderline, when a borderline is feeling engulfed and pushing and the devaluation starts, they get very avoidant, which sends someone like me, with an anxious style, into a tizzy, which explains the insanity I was feeling.

So that's her, but going back through my prior relationships I noticed patterns, which is the point of all this learning and digging, and I've been in relationships with other avoidant women who didn't have borderline traits, but the unease I felt was the same.  Although any relationship can work if both people are committed, there will always be that underlying issue in an anxious/avoidant one where the anxious partner will have to lower their expectations regarding emotional intimacy if they want to stay with an avoidant, who naturally wants to keep an emotional distance.  Of course the best deal would be for an avoidant to get with someone with a secure style, which can make the anxious one more secure, the styles are fixed yet plastic, and another one that works is an anxious-anxious paring. 

Another interesting finding, the clincher really, is that anxious folks are drawn to avoidant ones initially.  That distinction has been profound to me, and explains a lot of my past relationships.  The take-home point in all of this to me is to move towards secure.  We all know someone with a secure attachment style, someone who's comfortable with themselves, can be emotionally available in relationships easily, doesn't freak out when there's a rift, but can talk openly about what's going on with them and work towards a resolution.  Those people love easily and well.  So emulating a secure style ("what would so and so do?" as we navigate relationship waters, not present a false self mind you, be ourselves, but just shift our focus to a more secure base, so we can avoid those pesky avoidants.

So the answer moving forward for me is to slow down, and definitely be wary of someone who wants to move too fast, but also go into meeting someone new with an attachment style focus; people do and say certain things that tip us off as to what style they are, remember everyone has one, and initiating something with someone with that focus can help avoid future pain.  Live and learn... .

The book "Attached" by Levine and Heller has been very enlightening for me.

[Youcantfoolme]

Personality disorders exist on a spectrum, a continuum, and most of us exhibit what could be considered "borderline traits" at one point or another.  Folks who could warrant a clinical diagnosis of BPD are a very small percentage of the population, while people who exhibit significant traits consistently are maybe 5 times more prevalent.  I never knew any of that when I was in it, and there's a language that the mental health community uses to describe and categorize people, useful to them, but I find the jargon limiting at times, with us too quick to slap labels on people.

So climbing away from that, I've been learning about attachment styles; there are 3 main ones, with a hybrid 4th.  The three are secure, anxious and avoidant, with an estimated 60% being secure, 20% anxious and 20% avoidant.  That's 100% of the population, everybody's got one, much more useful to me than looking at the couple of percent that have personality disorders.

I very much have an anxious style, and have learned that someone with an anxious style getting together with someone with an avoidant style, an anxious-avoidant relationship as it's called, is going to be painful for the anxious one.  FYI, anxious people want and need a close emotional bond with their partner and lots of validation and assurance as to where the relationship stands, lots of physical affection, lots of teamwork and focus on the relationship.  An avoidant partner wants emotional distance because they value their independence and don't want to be what they consider controlled, so will use distancing behaviors, and when that happens, an anxious partner will use protest behavior, as the dysfunction escalates. 

That's a very brief and undetailed description of the interaction in an anxious-avoidant relationship, but the full description speaks to me very well.  BPD is a personality disorder, not an attachment style, but in the later stages of a relationship with a borderline, when a borderline is feeling engulfed and pushing and the devaluation starts, they get very avoidant, which sends someone like me, with an anxious style, into a tizzy, which explains the insanity I was feeling.

So that's her, but going back through my prior relationships I noticed patterns, which is the point of all this learning and digging, and I've been in relationships with other avoidant women who didn't have borderline traits, but the unease I felt was the same.  Although any relationship can work if both people are committed, there will always be that underlying issue in an anxious/avoidant one where the anxious partner will have to lower their expectations regarding emotional intimacy if they want to stay with an avoidant, who naturally wants to keep an emotional distance.  Of course the best deal would be for an avoidant to get with someone with a secure style, which can make the anxious one more secure, the styles are fixed yet plastic, and another one that works is an anxious-anxious paring. 

Another interesting finding, the clincher really, is that anxious folks are drawn to avoidant ones initially.  That distinction has been profound to me, and explains a lot of my past relationships.  The take-home point in all of this to me is to move towards secure.  We all know someone with a secure attachment style, someone who's comfortable with themselves, can be emotionally available in relationships easily, doesn't freak out when there's a rift, but can talk openly about what's going on with them and work towards a resolution.  Those people love easily and well.  So emulating a secure style ("what would so and so do?" as we navigate relationship waters, not present a false self mind you, be ourselves, but just shift our focus to a more secure base, so we can avoid those pesky avoidants.

So the answer moving forward for me is to slow down, and definitely be wary of someone who wants to move too fast, but also go into meeting someone new with an attachment style focus; people do and say certain things that tip us off as to what style they are, remember everyone has one, and initiating something with someone with that focus can help avoid future pain.  Live and learn... .

The book "Attached" by Levine and Heller has been very enlightening for me.

Very interesting take. I like this. It really makes sense. If I had to place myself somewhere on this spectrum I'd say, secure. I have chosen partners from each other category but it seems to have only worked out with another secure. My brother however can probably be seen at attached also dating other attached and avoidants. I do think when personality disorders play a role it could lead one to believe they are " secure" bit ultimately, that's just a disguise. At the very beginning of his relationship with his wife, he seemed to think she was a very strong, secure, independent woman. As time when on, he started to see the cracks in her personality. The secure woman started to slip away and the needy, dependent, controlling woman took center stage. Even with that, I saw through her at the "secure" stage. Things weren't adding up for me. Secure individuals don't act the way she acted. What do you do in a case where someone is masquerading as a secure?

[fromheeltoheal]

What do you do in a case where someone is masquerading as a secure?

That is key.  I no longer have time for anyone who is "masquerading" as someone they're not; a good relationship, romantic or otherwise, is based on trust and respect, and someone who needs to present themselves to me as someone they're not doesn't trust me to accept them for who they are, one, and doesn't show me the respect to show up as who they are.  Life is too short for anything but open, honest communication.

You mention you saw through your brother's wife from the beginning; that's your gut feel speaking, and that is not to be avoided because it's never wrong, we just choose to listen to it or not.  If someone is presenting a false self to us, it doesn't matter why, maybe they don't like themselves, maybe they've learned that if they show up as who they really are people leave right away, maybe they feel inferior, doesn't matter why, we're either showing up authentically to each other or we're not.  Of course it's easy to get a little loose at the beginning of a relationship, let our boundaries down more than we should, enjoy the buzz for a while, but it's important for me, now more than ever after time spent in borderline hell, to cut through the crap right away and stay present, let things develop as they will, and don't let anything slide.  In a word, act more secure, and a secure person has no problem with that, but a bullsht artist does.