Some prep help please

[freedom33]

xBPDgf called, I didn't pick up (so proud of me) after 2 weeks of no contact. Then she texted and wants to meet to get some (yes - just some) of her staff back and have a chat. I replied ok and that I am bringing back all her stuff (and asked her to do the same) but I know that this is a very dangerous situation for me to get pulled back in.

Any tips on how to handle this upcoming challenge and 'cross the rubicon'?

I know that if I continue to be around her it will ruin me. When I was in the relationship it had become an obsession for me to understand what is going on and why etc. and just couldn't function properly. I also had to resign from my job on one part because of the impact the relationship had on me - I just couldn't perform at the level required - and on another because she was working for the same company. (interesting trivia: when I handed over my resignation and it became known she did too after a week... .).

Many thanks guys.

[Cocoon]

A few options:

- make a phone date with an understanding friend, or get together IMMEDIATELY AFTER the appointed "trade stuff" time, and commit to being with someone for a few hours afterwards. Hopefully someone who will let you talk, and just be present. Kinda like a workout buddy, who keeps you honest by witnessing whether you show up to work out.

- arrange to drop her things off when she is not there.

- bring an understanding friend with you if you do go, to keep you focused

- don't do it now. If it's an emergency, provide only the crucial specific thing/s she asks for. Otherwise, you have the option of saying, "I'm too vulnerable now, and I need time. You will get your things eventually, on my time line."

- go back, fall back into recycle, then come back busted up and confused (actually avoid this one if possible, using the above methods)

- another option I haven't considered goes here

[Dutched]

You must protect yourself, it is about you now, only you

Never reply immediately. Think about how to protect your boundaries AND sanity.

A meeting to get “some” back? A BPD uses in these for them confronting situations (yes it is confronting for her) very neutral words, words that could be interpreted in more that one way.

IMHO and as I once did I “guided” her, leaving no space for her.

Make clear you have no time (if asked why, just make up something)

Made it efficient and non confronting for me (mentioning the advantage for her…) 

Let her make a list of items she want

Do the same and be precise. So not “my cup I always liked”, NO my (color) cup with (text).  Leave no space for mis-interpretation.

Both prepare and

Schedule the exchange (remembering her the efficiency AND YOUR lack of time…)

When you feel to uncomfortable, Cocoon mentioned it, both just drop it without seeing each other,

[freedom33]

Thanks guys - in the meantime she sent me a guilt inducing email - realising after my message that since I will be bringing her all her stuff it means that we are breaking up. In this guilt email she is bringing up all the stuff we were planning to do over the next couple of months and now I am letting her down incl. in relation to a holiday trip we had booked together some time ago for next month and we won't be going now. She says that she has no money and can't afford to do the trip by herself accomodation wise and if this is the case now she wants me kindly... .reimburse her flights. I seriously can't believe this! It doesn't make any sense!

[freedom33]

Damn - I am falling for it again. I am catching myself thinking of giving this one more shot. Of going and gettting DBT family skills. I am losing my faith in my no contact even just after one email. Why am I doing this? What is my problem?

[letmeout]

Oh my, do you really need to suffer some more?

Don't be a glutton for punishment, find out why you think you deserve that and correct it.

[freedom33]

Thanks. back in my senses again. 

I will see her in a couple of days - give her her stuff, take mine and that's it. I am gone. I had enough.

[freedom33]

Ok. Now she came back today (via text message) and said she can't meet tomorrow. She said something has come up. I don't know if this is about power and control (she suggested to meet yesterday and I couldn't so I suggested tomorrow). I have noticed that throughout the rs everything had to be on her terms and her own way. Or maybe it is not about control but to keep me in limbo and postpone the inevitable as long as possible (which I suppose incl. an element of control). She also hasn't suggested an alternative on when to meet. She said she needed her stuff back, then she cancels and doesn't suggest another alternative. She just said she can't meet. My inclination is to not respond at all to the text. I have not responded to her email either. Basically I have done well with my NC. I think I am just going to continue with my NC until/if she comes back to ask for her stuff back. She also has some of mine but I am happy to write them off if she never contacts me again. What do you think?

[camuse]

Can you send them to her? Might cost money but you get to decide how and when it ends and be done.

[drummerboy]

Take her stuff when she is not there and dump it, or take it to her friends or parents. She's back to trying to control you. Don't even tell her, just dump the stuff on her doorstep.

Ok. Now she came back today (via text message) and said she can't meet tomorrow. She said something has come up. I don't know if this is about power and control (she suggested to meet yesterday and I couldn't so I suggested tomorrow). I have noticed that throughout the rs everything had to be on her terms and her own way. Or maybe it is not about control but to keep me in limbo and postpone the inevitable as long as possible (which I suppose incl. an element of control). She also hasn't suggested an alternative on when to meet. She said she needed her stuff back, then she cancels and doesn't suggest another alternative. She just said she can't meet. My inclination is to not respond at all to the text. I have not responded to her email either. Basically I have done well with my NC. I think I am just going to continue with my NC until/if she comes back to ask for her stuff back. She also has some of mine but I am happy to write them off if she never contacts me again. What do you think?

[goldylamont]

agree with others here. you can send her her stuff in the mail. or drop it off when she's not there or give it to her friend. she's playing games with your time. you don't have to see her to give her stuff back. she'll use flaking to provoke you so just know that you have alternative ways that don't depend on her showing up to give it back. after my ex kept flaking on me i decided i was going to just drop the stuff off on her doorstep while she was at work. i texted her afterwards on my way home to let her know it was there. she yelled and complained. whatever. she got it back, but was just angry because i refused to sit around waiting for her to actually show up. plus she got the message that i didn't need to see her at all.

[Loveofhislife]

I'm going to have to agree--that depending on "the stuff"--this is probably nothing more than a fishing expedition by her. She wants to see if she can make you jump when she says jump. I'm going through something similar. It is SO much about control. It was going on so long for me, and I couldn't see it: always late, always changing last minute, no call-no show, making constant excuses. I called it being jerked around. I liked your willingness to write it off before allowing her to hold your "stuff" hostage. As for her "stuff"- maybe tell her she needs to identify a neutral, third party who will pick it up and sign for it on her behalf: this is a one time shot. Ask her for a list ahead of time. I would try to think of this in terms of a business dissolution: nothing more, nothing personal. She is using this to keep the game going. Don't let her. If you refuse to play, there is no game.