Tonight's success

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been NC with a recent ex, who has BPD symptoms.

I firmly told him this week, do not come to my home again without invitation, and do not call me. If I wanted to contact him, I would do so. He needed to back off. I made him repeat this back to me, that he would not come by or call.

He has now come to my house 5 times in the past 2 days. He has called 3 times.

After he came by twice in one hour today, I decided to confront him. He had left a letter (which I'd chosen not to read, until today. In the letter he promised couples counseling, owned his actions, telling me how frantic he felt. Actually sharing feelings in writing. Or at least writing about feelings that he thinks he should have... .I don't know which is which anymore).

I was very clear. "At what point is this about your control, or about what I want? Every time I engage with you it's painful. You won't get therapy. You won't be responsible for your actions. You'd rather rage at me, check out, than listen to me."

He tells me he wants to make sure I can talk to him, since his cell phone is disconnected AGAIN, and he can't be reached by phone (this is the 4th number with connection issues due to lack payment, in 2 years). Oy.

I held my ground, and he left. I was strong. Success, I guess.

And now I'm crying, by myself, feeling like I can't really talk to any of my family/friends, because I've tried. I go into hiding, because no one wants to hear about this. And it might make me fearful to involve myself with a chaotic toxic situation, if I was looking from the outside.

What I've been reading here, is helping me stay strong tonight. I feel so weary. Thank you for listening.

[Cocoon]

I've been NC with a recent ex, who has BPD symptoms.

I firmly told him this week, do not come to my home again without invitation, and do not call me. If I wanted to contact him, I would do so. He needed to back off. I made him repeat this back to me, that he would not come by or call.

He has now come to my house 5 times in the past 2 days. He has called 3 times.

After he came by twice in one hour today, I decided to confront him. He had left a letter (which I'd chosen not to read, until today. In the letter he promised couples counseling, owned his actions, telling me how frantic he felt. Actually sharing feelings in writing. Or at least writing about feelings that he thinks he should have... .I don't know which is which anymore).

I was very clear. "At what point is this about your control, or about what I want? Every time I engage with you it's painful. You won't get therapy. You won't be responsible for your actions. You'd rather rage at me, check out, than listen to me."

He tells me he wants to make sure I can talk to him, since his cell phone is disconnected AGAIN, and he can't be reached by phone (this is the 4th number with connection issues due to lack payment, in 2 years). Oy.

I held my ground, and he left. I was strong. Success, I guess.

And now I'm crying, by myself, feeling like I can't really talk to any of my family/friends, because I've tried. I go into hiding, because no one wants to hear about this. And it might make me fearful to involve myself with a chaotic toxic situation, if I was looking from the outside.

What I've been reading here, is helping me stay strong tonight. I feel so weary. Thank you for listening.

[topknot]

Be strong, Cocoon.  We have all been where you are at some point.  It is truly a journey, and you will come out stronger than you ever imagined, but you must count one day, minute, or hour at a time, and do kind and wonderful things for yourself, because you deserve them.  Even if you don't feel like it - take care of YOU.

[Cocoon]

Thank you for your kindness 

[freedom33]

Well done! Good for you setting boundaries like that. You should be proud of yourself!

And now I'm crying, by myself, feeling like I can't really talk to any of my family/friends, because I've tried. I go into hiding, because no one wants to hear about this. And it might make me fearful to involve myself with a chaotic toxic situation, if I was looking from the outside.

I have been/still am in the same position with regards being able to take about this to people close to me. It's a tough situation for us and also for anyone from the outside to understand. Most people have just not been through such situations.

Now I realise that a close friend of mine might have been involved with a BPD girl in our early twenties. They were together for a few years and I remember the mayhem the fiths and how he used to go on and on about how mental she was etc. but still they would be together after 10s of breaks. After a while I just switched off, I told him look 'just break it off with her what is the big deal?' and to be honest he lost credibility in my eyes. I just couldn't empathise.

This forum is great... .Although to be honest it has started becoming a bit of an obsession for me. Did I substitute the obsession with my xBPDgf with an on-line forum? I hope not.

[Cocoon]

Good question. It can feel like you're clinging to a rocky shore on an ocean island, and you're glad to be alive and saved, but where am I... .and what hell did I just go through? Again?

Like you, I'm fixated on BPD research. It's like the Rosetta Stone, yet the prognosis is discouraging... .

I feel a little surge of confidence tonight, on my own. I deserve to be treated well, and while my heart is tortured with mixed feelings, I stood up to the bully. No more stomping on me tonight. Uh -uh.

Depersonalizing it helps some (he's disordered, rather than some sadistic master planner). Knowing it's a mental illness, and detachment is key to my mental health surviving this. I honestly think I've aged a few years more than normal, with this stress these past 2 years.

Yay! Healthy boundaries tonight! yeah!

[freedom33]