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Author Topic: Posting letter to my exBPDbf posted here to keep N/C intact but to have closure.  (Read 1941 times)
Rifka
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« on: September 03, 2014, 11:39:27 AM »

Dear H,

When you came to me as a friend in the beginning we exchanged stories. You told me that you were hurt, your ex cheated on you and you had ended your relationship badly ( red flag) and you were just looking for friends. I felt so bad for you and took you under my wings. You seemed so hurt and battered. ( possible red flag!)

You loved to dance, so did I ( dancing was such a strong passion for us both). We connected and started our friendship. We started platonically hanging out everyday either at my home having a drink or two over 5-6 hours of conversation or out on the town ripping up the dance floor.

It was so nice, interesting, fun. We talked about any and everything on our minds. You were safe for me and I was safe for you because neither of us wanted anything more than a friendship ( so I believed ). Days together, weeks together turned into a month.

It seemed we had so much in common.

A month in you told me that if I wanted to kiss you I need to make the first move. I joked never thinking I have more than a friend ( I don't kiss my friends!) It was your move if you wanted to be kissed. You kissed me and it was officially sealed with a kiss that we were no longer to be friends only. I was not into a casual thing, but you wanted something casual. I told you no, you said you thought about it immediately and saw who I was and wanted us to persue a committed relationship. You were with me every minute you were not working, ( red flag) we went everywhere, did everything. Danced our dances. People were always walking up to us and expressing how intense and passionate they observed us being and they hoped to have such complete focus from whoever they found. We were so intense, the whole world seemed to be a blur when we danced together.

I was beginning to notice almost immediately a sadness that was always around you in your quiet moments. I questioned it right away. ( Red flag!)

You told me that you don't have many friends, ( red flag) just one female co worker who was your best friend ( red flag). I myself have many very close platonic male and female friends for 15-35 continuous years. I started bringing you into my circles, introducing my friends. You were uncomfortable around most ( red flag) you didn't want me to meet your one friend ( red flag). You had three pictures of her by herself next to your bed, no other pictures in your room of your children or any of your family ( red flag). Your bedroom has all of the obvious memories of your exes all over the wall, hats on one wall, key chains on the other. I questioned the childish bedroom decor, you said it was your sons room when he lived with you. You never changed it. The kids have not lived with you for years. (Red flag, red flag, red flag) they live across the country and you have them for a couple of weeks a year.

You told me that your ex wife hates you so much. (Huge red flag) she keep the kids from you, prevents contact (red flag!) you told me your second wife is as horrible as the first ( red flag).

She put a restraining order on you that is still current ten years after the divorce and lives across the country ( Huge red flag)

I accepted all of your excuses for everything that I doubted because I trusted you told me the truth about things as I had told you.

I told you that my ex ( my children's father) is my best friend you were very jealous for no reason. It was completely platonic for over 13 years. ( red flag). You told me that you asked your parents to live in your home since it was big enough and you were hardly there because you stayed with the ex girlfriend nightly ( possible red flag)

I expressed after two weeks of you sleeping continuously in my home that you should contribute some money and groceries if you were to stay here. You said you paid nothing to the ex and looked at me like I had two heads and stated that you have your own home to pay for.(red flag) I told you that then you need to stay more at your own home. You barked at me that you will not stay at my home ever again. (Red flag)

Massive fights followed, we agreed to weekends only. A week later it was every night again. We discussed it again, another war. ( red flags everywhere)

Okay my point here at this point of my letter is that I clearly see that I allowed all of this to happen to me based on me believing in fairy tale romances. I accepted this behavior and all of his words and reasons for everything because I believed I could fix everything in this broken, supposedly abused man who only needed my love to be cured!

I accepted the set up, the abuse, being used, a million red flags that are so clear no stepping back in the N/c zone!

This was just in the first two months!

Ok so no closure letter because I see it was me and my own illusion. Why was I willing to accept basically nothing from a partner?

I had people to socialize with, dance with, laugh with all of the time. I work, have college age kids who still live with me and I love so much!

If I continued this letter it would make no sense.

Ok so I'm starting it over!

Dear Me,

Stop trying to save the world! Enjoy your life and be happy again. Yes it is intimately lonely because you want to be loved, but you are so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love you and don't suck the life out of you.

You experienced all of this because maybe you needed to learn more in your life about things you had no clue about.

You are now more educated and stronger to know the true true meaning of what red flags are and what a horrible disorder BPD really is.

You had to experience it to truly learn! There was no other way.

So now what?

You are taking the proper steps and time to heal and express your feelings, with the help of this informative and wonderful site that is full of amazing people.

It's not going to be easy, but one step at a time and it will eventually be the past!

We are not suppose to understand everything immediately, some things take time.

Sometimes pain is part of the experience, it will fade!

Your wonderful and I love you!

Signed me!


Sounds kind of silly, but I really thought I needed to write him for closure, but it started to sound ridiculous even to myself.

13 days complete n/c !

350 plus pictures deleted off of my phone between today and yesterday.

Tomorrow will be attack of the iPad picture, migraine today!


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thereishope
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 11:45:51 AM »

Rifka,

I think this is GREAT!  Good for you!  What a great idea to switch it into writing to yourself!  I think both letters are AWESOME!  Just wanted to say I envy you for where you are in the process (OUT!  ) and on your way to health and simplicity and peace!

Grace and peace to you in your new, exciting journey!   
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Rifka
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2014, 11:52:15 AM »

Rifka,

I think this is GREAT!  Good for you!  What a great idea to switch it into writing to yourself!  I think both letters are AWESOME!  Just wanted to say I envy you for where you are in the process (OUT!  ) and on your way to health and simplicity and peace!

Grace and peace to you in your new, exciting journey!   

Thanks it's a process, but I am out! I had to get police involved and file a stalking report to protect myself and him from being tempted to contact! I had to tell him I will file a restraining order if he did not stop to make n/c easier for us both. It's hard! I don't want him back! I just want me back!

Good luck to you!

Thanks for your words!

I feel so lucky to have found this site and all of the caring people here!
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thereishope
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2014, 12:05:51 PM »

I am thankful for this board and the people here too! Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can only imagine how hard it is... .but keep up the good work! Smiling (click to insert in post)

I love your wording,  I don't want him back, I only want me back"! I understand!


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Rifka
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 12:14:59 PM »

I am thankful for this board and the people here too! Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can only imagine how hard it is... .but keep up the good work! Smiling (click to insert in post)

I love your wording,  I don't want him back, I only want me back"! I understand!



[/quote

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  
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Recooperating
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 04:15:53 PM »

Hi Rifka,

What an awesome letter and what a great idea! And you are soo right!

I want me back to! And we will get there! Slowly but surely!

I am too so thankfull for this forum and the great supportive people. I have great and loving friends and they try, but don't fully understand... .This forum helps so much!

Thank you for the inspirational letter and goodluck tomorrow with the ipad pictures!

One more step foward in the healing proces!

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Arminius
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« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 04:31:35 PM »

Destroying pictures, totally correct. I deleted all cyber, and I burned all printed. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Wish I had kept all the ones that showed her as ugly, jowly, wrinkled, dimpled, overweight, hippy, poorly proportioned and frowny ... .but as a loving man I always kept and gave her the ones that showed her at her best.

So why the f@@@ would I want to see those perfect images now?

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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drummerboy
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« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 05:10:13 PM »

This is brilliant Rifka! I admire how proactive you are in the process. I love the way you kept saying "red flag" "possible red flag" in your letter. Yep, we can see them all so clearly now can't we? I'm embarrassed by all the red flags I missed that are so easy to see now.

Was writing those letters cathartic? I think I'll try writing a similar letter especially mentioning the red flags.

Keep up the great work, you are doing so well!
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SC91

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« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 07:09:37 PM »

Great work guy. Your letter made me laugh, dont get me wrong. I laugh because we are getting our sanity back, we are accepting we looked like a dumb and proudly admit, accept, and make it to a humour. I trust that years later when we look back on what we went through we would be very proud of myself, and humour it that is not such a big deal.
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summeralyssa

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« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2014, 08:01:20 PM »

I really loved your "dear me" letter.  I needed to read it and it brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you.  It is so very hard to love ourselves when we have been hurt so deeply by someone who supposedly loved us and accepted our flaws.  i see, now, that mine never did.  I'm only on 3 days of n/c and had hte pangs today - but b/c of this board and knowing it was there for me with others' shared experiences, I was able to stay the course; complete my work; and go home. 

Smiling (click to insert in post)  xo, A.
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« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2014, 08:04:01 PM »

The truth is, WE are the beautiful ones.  We are the butterflies - and they are the f'ing black holes of hate.     So, celebrate yourself!  I feel good b/c the RING that my exBF took me to purchase 2 weeks ago - this was a promise ring that he clearly had me PICK OUT, have SIZED , and then PAID FOR - he gave me the receipt.  I thought that was really odd at the time and didn't trust it.  I had a feeling that the ring would never actually pan out.  Or he would use it against me and tell me to pick it up.  Guess what I did?  I burned the receipt. 

They have HIS email and HIS contact information.  Not mine.  It is HIS ring to pick-up.  Not mine.  Good luck getting your money back, ass, without a receipt. 

Smiling (click to insert in post)

He paid by DEBIT too! 

jerk. 

[quot

e author=Arminius link=topic=232358.msg12486974#msg12486974 date=1409779895]Destroying pictures, totally correct. I deleted all cyber, and I burned all printed. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Wish I had kept all the ones that showed her as ugly, jowly, wrinkled, dimpled, overweight, hippy, poorly proportioned and frowny ... .but as a loving man I always kept and gave her the ones that showed her at her best.

So why the f@@@ would I want to see those perfect images now?

Smiling (click to insert in post) [/quote]
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2014, 09:43:43 PM »

Dear Rifka: I am reeling. I could have written your first letter--I'm always taken aback when I read a post that makes me feel we have been in a r/s with the EXACT SAME PERSON. As well, I came to this site tonight prepared to share a letter I want to write (and never send) to exbfBPD. WOW! Beautiful work!
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Rifka
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« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2014, 09:57:24 PM »

Quote from: Bauie on Today at 05:10:13 PM

This is brilliant Rifka! I admire how proactive you are in the process. I love the way you kept saying "red flag" "possible red flag" in your letter. Yep, we can see them all so clearly now can't we? I'm embarrassed by all the red flags I missed that are so easy to see now.

Was writing those letters cathartic? I think I'll try writing a similar letter especially mentioning the red flags.

Keep up the great work, you are doing so well!


Hi Bauie,

Yes it felt great to write my feelings down and then midstream realize i was writing to the wrong person.

I am back to laughing again, smiling often and working on me. I have never self examined myself as I have in the almost two weeks here. It's interesting and eye opening to realize and process so many things that I knew nothing of, but am so happy and open to learn.

I know I won't call or text and I'm pretty sure he is done since I threatened him with a restraining order if he has any contact.

Today is one month since he walked out and I told him he is not allowed back into my home or life.

I feel I did the right thing for me and us. It was getting more unhealthy by the day. I guess like putting an animal down when there is nothing you can do anymore.

I am giving myself two more weeks here, because I still need the support and then I will need to stand on my own without all of you as my crutches.

I hope to read stories of greater health by the day as we progress on this journey.

I wish you so much luck in being strong and fighting this gnawing urge to have contact.

Really the only way is nothing at all!


To everybody else, I suggest that you try remembering and write your letter here ( red flag) it as well to understand and remember but just share it among us and not your exes. It's not important to them, only to us! We share our experiences and our pain and hopefully some lighthearted humor to break all of this serious stuff for a moment here and there.

Does anybody know how to delete multi pictures on an iPad? I am clueless!

Thanks in advance and peaceful sweet dreams to you all!

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Rifka
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« Reply #13 on: September 03, 2014, 10:08:36 PM »

The truth is, WE are the beautiful ones.  We are the butterflies - and they are the f'ing black holes of hate.     So, celebrate yourself!  I feel good b/c the RING that my exBF took me to purchase 2 weeks ago - this was a promise ring that he clearly had me PICK OUT, have SIZED , and then PAID FOR - he gave me the receipt.  I thought that was really odd at the time and didn't trust it.  I had a feeling that the ring would never actually pan out.  Or he would use it against me and tell me to pick it up.  Guess what I did?  I burned the receipt. 

They have HIS email and HIS contact information.  Not mine.  It is HIS ring to pick-up.  Not mine.  Good luck getting your money back, ass, without a receipt. 

Smiling (click to insert in post)

He paid by DEBIT too! 




jerk. 

[quot

e author=Arminius link=topic=232358.msg12486974#msg12486974 date=1409779895]Destroying pictures, totally correct. I deleted all cyber, and I burned all printed. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Wish I had kept all the ones that showed her as ugly, jowly, wrinkled, dimpled, overweight, hippy, poorly proportioned and frowny ... .but as a loving man I always kept and gave her the ones that showed her at her best.

So why the f@@@ would I want to see those perfect images now?

Smiling (click to insert in post)

[/quote]
Anger is part of our healing, so vent away, maybe post a letter to yourself or your ex here.

The power comes when we accept what happened, happened, it's the past, we are only human and loved with all of our hearts! We can't go backwards and change what happened, it's history! Now is the time to accept our part in all of it and fix us for us!

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Rifka
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« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2014, 10:15:02 PM »

Dear Rifka: I am reeling. I could have written your first letter--I'm always taken aback when I read a post that makes me feel we have been in a r/s with the EXACT SAME PERSON. As well, I came to this site tonight prepared to share a letter I want to write (and never send) to exbfBPD. WOW! Beautiful work!

Please write your letter, it feels great!

DO NOT SEND IT TO THE EX BECAUSE IT PUTS THEM IN THE DRIVER SEAT AGAIN! 

Please Post it here, or on your own healing thread!
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Rifka
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« Reply #15 on: September 03, 2014, 10:45:48 PM »

I thought that i would repost a prior post i made on another thread two nights ago. I think I am progressing and on track and being accountable for the goals and thoughts I have shared here.

I hope that you all don't mind, it's a reminder for myself and hopefully will help somebody else.



Re: Obsession

« Reply #32 on: September 01, 2014, 01:44:18 AM »

Quote

I found this site about ten days ago. I have read so many posts, lessons, and hours upon hours of readings here. I have joined in on at least 10 or so posts. I feel at this point, all of my deep questions have been truly answered here. I was originally obsessing over my ex because I just did not really understand what the hell happened. How can this sweet, kind passionate man switch from Jekyll to Hyde in a split second. How could he tell me that he loves me so deeply yesterday and then the next day not know how he feels about me. Truthfully this site really did have all of the answers that I so deeply needed to know and understand. As difficult as it was to swallow some of it because I love him with all of my heart, I accept what I read. It's time to accept and move forward with me. I have neglected the importance of myself by focusing every ounce of me on him. I refuse to spend any more time and energy continuing this cycle of everything being about him anymore. Yes there are some tough moments everytime somebody asks where he is from one of my social groups, but I don't let it be more than a moment, again now it's about me getting healthy again. He truly is not worring about me anymore, so somebody has to! I hope to be off of this site soon because I have taken the knowledge I can get and hopefully share it to make somebody else's journey toward themselves easier. I know it has to happen soon. Sept 3 will be a month since our breakup. I am 10 days nc. Together 9 months. I just refuse to suffer any longer for love for somebody who has no love for me. I have suffered enough turmoil trying to please him. I am so much happier the last 10 days. The weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. On my way to recovery finding myself and loving the wonderful me as I always had before I experienced trying to help a disorder I knew nothing about.i have taken full responsibility for accepting such poor treatment, love me, love me not episodes, verbal attacks, mistrust, and not stepping away from this the first time I knew I should before the first recycle. It is what it is and I have learned to be safer the next time. I am taking a time out for myself and my heart to heal because I do mourn a real love that I had, even if it was only one sided. It's a good day, I made it 24 hours without crying. I don't have to hear anymore lies anymore and question myself. I am in a better place today. Tomorrow will be even better because I want it to be that way. I am in charge of me and my emotions. Sorry for ranting, it's part of my healing. Have a good Monday everybody. I hope that you all start ranting and taking your emotions back and worry about yourselves. I was getting so sick from my exBPDbf. I'm taking control of my health and well being again. This week I will delete all pictures, pack up his memories, and try to stop looking backwards at what was. It's time for what will be!
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2014, 06:56:40 AM »

Rifka--thanks for re-posting about obsession: great insights. Again, I am awe struck by your/our experiences: nearly identical (except my exbfBPD is a lousy dancer). It sounds as if you are moving quickly in getting to a safer and healthier place. It's odd (or is it?) how they wreck our health on top of everything else. I too am a dancer and plan to reenter the world of Latin cardio this morning, if my adrenals are willing--they have been completely shot over the past year with the dance macabre with exbfBPD. Please keep us posted here; I look at this site not as a crutch but as a constant reminder and support system. Yesterday my T said our work now is getting me strong enough to remain NC and to get ready for the coming onslaught: recycle attempts, etc. I applaud you for having already taken steps to prevent his re-entering your life. Kudos and blessings and many thanks. Now let's go dance the joyous dance of life!
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Rifka
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« Reply #17 on: September 04, 2014, 08:50:17 AM »

Rifka--thanks for re-posting about obsession: great insights. Again, I am awe struck by your/our experiences: nearly identical (except my exbfBPD is a lousy dancer). It sounds as if you are moving quickly in getting to a safer and healthier place. It's odd (or is it?) how they wreck our health on top of everything else. I too am a dancer and plan to reenter the world of Latin cardio this morning, if my adrenals are willing--they have been completely shot over the past year with the dance macabre with exbfBPD. Please keep us posted here; I look at this site not as a crutch but as a constant reminder and support system. Yesterday my T said our work now is getting me strong enough to remain NC and to get ready for the coming onslaught: recycle attempts, etc. I applaud you for having already taken steps to prevent his re-entering your life. Kudos and blessings and many thanks. Now let's go dance the joyous dance of life!

Love,

Thank you for your words.

It's wonderful that you are considering going dancing again. DO IT!

Dancing releases wonderful chemicals in our bodies, it's healing.

Since you love it, do it for yourself.

I too got really sick when we broke up. I was at the doctor two times in the last two weeks. I usually see a doctor once or twice a year at most.  I am positive it was completely stress related and from me being sad, not eating, not sleeping, crying and just normal mourning of the death of this fairy tale relationship. I had my gland in my neck swell so large on my left side, huge infection. Stress does horrible things to the human body. The first days were really bad, I just refused to torture my own self at the break up point. He was gone, so now it was me totally making me sick. Why would I continue this?

I hope that you are ready for complete NC unless you have children together then LC might be needed.

Yes the experiences we all have sound like it is the same partner over and over. I joked on another thread about a possible book that they study that we have no access to. It was very upsetting, but then again comforting to read my own last 9 months over and over on this site written by other people.

Be " THE LOVE OF YOUR OWN LIFE "

You have to love yourself and understand that this disorder is like a tornado that destroys the most beautiful things in its path. Slowly the sun shines again and things start to grow back. It doesn't just stay bare and dark. Plant your own seeds in your mind to grow again for yourself. Soon you will be dancing in a beautiful garden again!


Dance my friend and let the pain fall from your body!

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Rifka
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« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2014, 09:31:34 PM »

I really loved your "dear me" letter.  I needed to read it and it brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you.  It is so very hard to love ourselves when we have been hurt so deeply by someone who supposedly loved us and accepted our flaws.  i see, now, that mine never did.  I'm only on 3 days of n/c and had hte pangs today - but b/c of this board and knowing it was there for me with others' shared experiences, I was able to stay the course; complete my work; and go home. 

Smiling (click to insert in post)  xo, A.

Summer Alyssa,

Welcome to our lifeboat, don't forget to put the life jacket on in case you fall in the water.

Just because we got fall out of the boat does not mean that you have to stay in the water, just swim back to us!

Don't ever throw in the towel for you!

You are very important! Be strong!

It's difficult and sometimes we feel hopeless! There is so much help and support available here.

Keep posting
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« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2014, 10:08:32 PM »

Rifka, thank you so much for suggesting we write a letter to ourselves, what a brilliant idea! I thought about it for a few days and just sat down now and wrote this, the tears came as I typed and it felt soo good.

I urge everyone to try this, this was HUGE!

Dear Me.

Don’t beat yourself up to hard for getting into a relationship with her. At the start you even told her it would be better to just be friends because of the age difference. But who could not fall for her charms and you connected with her because of so many shared intersts/passions. It was totally natural that you would fall for that, after all, most of the people you have been with in your life were straight up, honest people, how were you to know that she was different, very different.

When her GAD surfaced, you wanted to be her white knight, you loved her deeply so of course you wanted to do anything you could to help her. Yes that’s the very definition of co-dependency but your motives were pure. Now you know about co-dependency and are doing something about it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to help people, that’s what good people do, just make sure you don’t give the last life jacket to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.

You have been incredibly lucky in your previous relationships, pretty much every woman you have been with were good, kind people. This shows you are capable of attracting good women. Good women like you, that’s something to celebrate, so you got unlucky this time, you deeply loved a person incapable of returning that love, well you win some, you lose some.

Your inner love, compassion and empathy are still shining through, you are starting to feel genuine sadness at her BPD life. Despite the kicking you’ve been through your best inner qualities have remained intact, that’s something to celebrate, she didn’t “destroy” you.

Yes, you’ve been a pain in the ass to your friends as you’ve tried to make sense of this mess, but they are still there for you, that’s because they are real friends. And isn’t it about time, you are always there for them when they need you, of course they wanted to help just as you have helped them in rough times over the years.

You love deeply, perhaps too deeply and unconditionally. Yes, it can lead to problems but your heart is open, would you prefer the opposite, to be a person whose heart is closed, who only sees negatives, a person who never takes a chance just in case something goes wrong, imagine all the good stuff you would have missed out on if you had taken that approach?

This experience has taught you so much about yourself and so much about other people. Yes, it has been life changing. You are getting in touch with your inner child, you are gently putting to bed all of those old hurts and the beautiful inner child is emerging, and you can already see the difference! You don’t get impatient and angry anymore because you are at peace with yourself. You actually “feel” things instead of just brushing them off. You are so much nicer to be around than before you met her. Your youngest daughter has started to really love you and begun expressing that love ever since you started to really affirm her existence as a result of your inner child world. You are making a huge difference in her life that you would not have done had it not been for this whole horrible mess.

So you see, its not a mess. You are like that ancient Japanese art where they repair a cracked vase with gold and the vase is now more valuable than before.

You are doing great, yes, you are a human and humans make mistakes. You will continue to make mistakes, just acknowledge them and be kind to yourself. You are well on your way to being a better person than you ever thought possible.

I love you

Signed me.
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Rifka
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« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2014, 10:33:06 PM »

BAUIE,

Your letter is so beautiful, I wanted to cry for you out of happiness of the love you do see in yourself!

It's wonderful! Fantabulous!

Thank you for posting it!


Tons and tons of hugs to the wonderful flower who is blossoming again ( YOU )
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2014, 10:39:01 PM »

Dear Rifka and my fellow lifeboat passengers: today was a big day. After numerous posts here and strong counsel from experts, I took a major step today to begin to rectify the damage from the year of financial abuse from exbfBPD. I felt as if I was staring into an abyss of credit card statements, etc. Those statements and cross referencing of my daily planner told a very sad and stressful story: a story of how I continued to cajole and indulge a broken man for whom I would have done most anything. I have put off doing what I needed to do for nearly six weeks while I have been writhing in the midst of ST and a concurrent diagnosis of a rare eye disorder as a result of unrelenting stress. I finally faced it down today--and numbers don't lie. Based on what a best friend is going through financially with his stbxBPD; it could have been worse. Need for my exbfBPD, and I assume many others, is manifest by money and things. Ultimately, that greed is what sent him to prison for three years, so it has been unthinkable that he would do to me what he did to the victims who had him criminally charged (all female). Just as his NEEDS can never be filled and make them happy only for a brief moment; this man will never be able to accumulate enough money and things to make him happy. I really thought I would be the last person on the planet that he would throw under the bus, but I know based on his relationships with his FOO and his exes, they too were thrown in harms way because of his bottomless pit of greed and entitlement. It is absolutely tragic. I thought I could help him; I thought he never would betray me. I was wrong. A lot of tears today, as I tackled a task that I had been putting off. My heart was pounding knowing that he likely will retaliate, and I will have to turn this over to the authorities which will put him at risk of violating probation. I have had to convince myself that if/when that happens, he did it to himself though he will blame it on me; cut me off forever, and I will never see him again. I had to be prepared to accept that before I started blowing the whistle on him tonight. I chose his welfare over mine for a year. Tonight I chose for me. Hopefully, this context helps to understand my next post: the closure letter that I will never send.
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Rifka
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« Reply #22 on: September 07, 2014, 11:01:57 PM »

Dear Rifka and my fellow lifeboat passengers: today was a big day. After numerous posts here and strong counsel from experts, I took a major step today to begin to rectify the damage from the year of financial abuse from exbfBPD. I felt as if I was staring into an abyss of credit card statements, etc. Those statements and cross referencing of my daily planner told a very sad and stressful story: a story of how I continued to cajole and indulge a broken man for whom I would have done most anything. I have put off doing what I needed to do for nearly six weeks while I have been writhing in the midst of ST and a concurrent diagnosis of a rare eye disorder as a result of unrelenting stress. I finally faced it down today--and numbers don't lie. Based on what a best friend is going through financially with his stbxBPD; it could have been worse. Need for my exbfBPD, and I assume many others, is manifest by money and things. Ultimately, that greed is what sent him to prison for three years, so it has been unthinkable that he would do to me what he did to the victims who had him criminally charged (all female). Just as his NEEDS can never be filled and make them happy only for a brief moment; this man will never be able to accumulate enough money and things to make him happy. I really thought I would be the last person on the planet that he would throw under the bus, but I know based on his relationships with his FOO and his exes, they too were thrown in harms way because of his bottomless pit of greed and entitlement. It is absolutely tragic. I thought I could help him; I thought he never would betray me. I was wrong. A lot of tears today, as I tackled a task that I had been putting off. My heart was pounding knowing that he likely will retaliate, and I will have to turn this over to the authorities which will put him at risk of violating probation. I have had to convince myself that if/when that happens, he did it to himself though he will blame it on me; cut me off forever, and I will never see him again. I had to be prepared to accept that before I started blowing the whistle on him tonight. I chose his welfare over mine for a year. Tonight I chose for me. Hopefully, this context helps to understand my next post: the closure letter that I will never send.

Dear love of your life,   ( sorry I had to write it!) 


It is important to face things or the healing will never start. Congrats for you! We are all embarrassed at the silly things and major things that we allowed to happen. We also all believed we could save these unhappy people.

There is no room for pride in our boat!

Acceptance to move forward and strengthen each of us. It is our power source.

We can get stronger with all of us helping each other!

I am proud of you to have faced something that I know you were regretting to do. It's good though because now you know exactly where you stand financially and can start to fix you!

We can always make more money.

Hugs and more hugs, I appreciate you sharing your difficult day on this thread.

We have all had those days where we are beside ourselves. This site is really a savior!

I am so thankful for all of you survivors and faceless friends.

I wonder if the moderators could plan a getaway for us to meet at some point if we want. Can you imagine how many tears, hugs and love would be there?

I would love it, just a fun time for all of us, we so deserve it!
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« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2014, 03:08:59 PM »

I am really loving these "dear me" letters.  Im having a bad moment today.  I turned off the block feature and all of these hateful messages arrived including a demand that i bring back his clothes, but the police would be called if i came to any if the family properties.  I was called biggest loser ever, fat ugly lazy slob, a waste of his time, his life is now fun, called nothing, obese joke, probably a f'ing joke at least ten texts, told im lazy, spoiled fat lazy slob, told he hopes i die, hopes i drop dead in fact from diabetes or obesity, f'ing pig, ___ing crazy, need to fix my fd up life, and on and on.  There were so many insults.n I asked him to please stop.  Leave me alone.  Stop texting,  i also said exactly how am i biggest loser?  Hebis the one who lives at home w his parents.  I have three family properties, two houses, a farm, two cars and a thriving law practice,  i have a valid license while he is prohibited for two years bc of his impaired and drive disqualified convictions!  Im a lawyer!  Why do they get to say this kind of nonsense?  Why do they get away with it?  Why?  Im so sick of it.  Nothing is ever his fault.  And he always wins.
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drummerboy
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« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2014, 05:18:46 PM »

Sending you big hugs. No, he's not going to win because you are getting this horrible person out of your life and these putrid messages just remind you why you must get him totally out of your life. Normal people don't send messages like he sent you.

Is it possible to go 100% NC? I know how easy is is to want to peek, check FB or your messages but what good is it doing you? You have to work really hard to get this scum out of your life and to start concentrating on yourself.

You are a beautiful person.

Big hugs to you

I am really loving these "dear me" letters.  Im having a bad moment today.  I turned off the block feature and all of these hateful messages arrived including a demand that i bring back his clothes, but the police would be called if i came to any if the family properties.  I was called biggest loser ever, fat ugly lazy slob, a waste of his time, his life is now fun, called nothing, obese joke, probably a f'ing joke at least ten texts, told im lazy, spoiled fat lazy slob, told he hopes i die, hopes i drop dead in fact from diabetes or obesity, f'ing pig, ___ing crazy, need to fix my fd up life, and on and on.  There were so many insults.n I asked him to please stop.  Leave me alone.  Stop texting,  i also said exactly how am i biggest loser?  Hebis the one who lives at home w his parents.  I have three family properties, two houses, a farm, two cars and a thriving law practice,  i have a valid license while he is prohibited for two years bc of his impaired and drive disqualified convictions!  Im a lawyer!  Why do they get to say this kind of nonsense?  Why do they get away with it?  Why?  Im so sick of it.  Nothing is ever his fault.  And he always wins.

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Rifka
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« Reply #25 on: September 08, 2014, 06:18:31 PM »

I am really loving these "dear me" letters.  Im having a bad moment today.  I turned off the block feature and all of these hateful messages arrived including a demand that i bring back his clothes, but the police would be called if i came to any if the family properties.  I was called biggest loser ever, fat ugly lazy slob, a waste of his time, his life is now fun, called nothing, obese joke, probably a f'ing joke at least ten texts, told im lazy, spoiled fat lazy slob, told he hopes i die, hopes i drop dead in fact from diabetes or obesity, f'ing pig, ___ing crazy, need to fix my fd up life, and on and on.  There were so many insults.n I asked him to please stop.  Leave me alone.  Stop texting,  i also said exactly how am i biggest loser?  Hebis the one who lives at home w his parents.  I have three family properties, two houses, a farm, two cars and a thriving law practice,  i have a valid license while he is prohibited for two years bc of his impaired and drive disqualified convictions!  Im a lawyer!  Why do they get to say this kind of nonsense?  Why do they get away with it?  Why?  Im so sick of it.  Nothing is ever his fault.  And he always wins.

That the problem here, please stop listening to these people who's goal it is to bring you to your knees.

Your weakness strengthens them!

Your strength weakens them!

They can only win when we react!

Please put the block back on, you need love not hate!

Don't answer things and try not to look at things. There will be nothing good to see!

Don't believe it, it's a lies.

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Loveofhislife
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 426



« Reply #26 on: September 08, 2014, 07:25:35 PM »

Dear True Self:  I feel like I have defended you for much of your/our lives while you have enlivened and textured me.  I have been protective, esoteric, and perfectionist while you have been my risk taker who loves life and all that goes along with living:  laughter, tears, passionate love, dancing, high-risk anything.  You are the true adrenalin addict while I have been the workaholic, straight A "BORING" person who makes you long to be heard and seen by others like you.  You have been a dominant force in my life (my operating system) while I have raised three children (two with substance abuse disorders) and one who is more like my false self: the conservative one. You love everyone--especially those who you feel are unloved, impaired, and misunderstood.  You are truly the softer side of me:  playful, loving, and carefree. Instead, I, my false self, took on the world to include caring for a weak former spouse, many "at risk" business ventures and lost causes, two college degrees, and two parents with Alzheimer's in addition to three children and the menagerie of animals you love so much.  I'm afraid that I forgot all about you.  Most times I didn't notice you; I didn't listen to you; and I definitely didn't hear you.  I was too busy as "rescuer" saving the world, as I knew it, to pay attention to you.  I gave birth to three who not only could see you but who loved me because of you.  You are the fun one.  And when my/our children want to get mad at me, they always see you inside.  So did he (exbfBPD).  I need to apologize to you.  I'm really, really sorry.  When your three playmates were gone (my three children) and their Daddy (who loved you too); I left you alone with someone who was unable to love. Yes, he was fun and playful, smart and beautiful like our other three, but he cannot love or be loved.  I missed my three so much that I'm afraid I endangered us.  I was able to take care of myself and keep him at arms length until you fell in love with the little boy who never felt truly loved.  We knew, just like the other strays we brought in--you were able to tame the ones no one else could; that he too would be healed by your tolerance, patience, and love.  You're stubborn too.  You wouldn't give up.  I know you're mad at me, because you believe I chased him away and hurt his feelings.  And the thought of my punishing him (making him accountable) makes you even more scared and angry with me.  You heard your voice through him; you saw yourself (perhaps for the first time) through him; and now he is gone.  I am not.  I will not leave you.  Together, we are a force to be reckoned with.  People love me, because they see you.  I love you more and more each day, as I now see you. Please forgive me.  I promise to be fun.  I promise to laugh more.  I promise to take you with me everywhere I go.  I promise to listen to you. And I promise to pay attention to you--you are more important than any job and any lost cause.  I promise to work on being your new favorite playmate:  forever. Love, me.
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Rifka
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« Reply #27 on: September 08, 2014, 09:55:07 PM »

Dear True Self:  I feel like I have defended you for much of your/our lives while you have enlivened and textured me.  I have been protective, esoteric, and perfectionist while you have been my risk taker who loves life and all that goes along with living:  laughter, tears, passionate love, dancing, high-risk anything.  You are the true adrenalin addict while I have been the workaholic, straight A "BORING" person who makes you long to be heard and seen by others like you.  You have been a dominant force in my life (my operating system) while I have raised three children (two with substance abuse disorders) and one who is more like my false self: the conservative one. You love everyone--especially those who you feel are unloved, impaired, and misunderstood.  You are truly the softer side of me:  playful, loving, and carefree. Instead, I, my false self, took on the world to include caring for a weak former spouse, many "at risk" business ventures and lost causes, two college degrees, and two parents with Alzheimer's in addition to three children and the menagerie of animals you love so much.  I'm afraid that I forgot all about you.  Most times I didn't notice you; I didn't listen to you; and I definitely didn't hear you.  I was too busy as "rescuer" saving the world, as I knew it, to pay attention to you.  I gave birth to three who not only could see you but who loved me because of you.  You are the fun one.  And when my/our children want to get mad at me, they always see you inside.  So did he (exbfBPD).  I need to apologize to you.  I'm really, really sorry.  When your three playmates were gone (my three children) and their Daddy (who loved you too); I left you alone with someone who was unable to love. Yes, he was fun and playful, smart and beautiful like our other three, but he cannot love or be loved.  I missed my three so much that I'm afraid I endangered us.  I was able to take care of myself and keep him at arms length until you fell in love with the little boy who never felt truly loved.  We knew, just like the other strays we brought in--you were able to tame the ones no one else could; that he too would be healed by your tolerance, patience, and love.  You're stubborn too.  You wouldn't give up.  I know you're mad at me, because you believe I chased him away and hurt his feelings.  And the thought of my punishing him (making him accountable) makes you even more scared and angry with me.  You heard your voice through him; you saw yourself (perhaps for the first time) through him; and now he is gone.  I am not.  I will not leave you.  Together, we are a force to be reckoned with.  People love me, because they see you.  I love you more and more each day, as I now see you. Please forgive me.  I promise to be fun.  I promise to laugh more.  I promise to take you with me everywhere I go.  I promise to listen to you. And I promise to pay attention to you--you are more important than any job and any lost cause.  I promise to work on being your new favorite playmate:  forever. Love, me.

Please keep posting on the different threads. We all care so much here. You are not alone because you have people here who do understand.

Hugs

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