think I found answers

[hurting300]

Hey there, so I've been in shock the last 5 months. Most here know my story my girlfriend disappeared with our baby five months ago. She just simply vanished without a word. I think I know why now. Since she left, I've done nothing but seek answers and read up. She was disordered... she was jealous. She was controlling. I realize now she left because I set firm boundaries. I've been confused lately between the difference no contact and silent treatment which one is she doing? Well she is not doing either one. No contact is a post break up tool. SHE NEVER BROKE UP WITH ME. She did the disappearing act. She most likely did this to make me chase her. I'm not going too. That's explains her driving by my house. Another thing, she did not block me on Facebook, she deactivated. I can't block a deactivated Facebook. She thinks she is calling the shots, and she is for now. Soon she'll call me because of our baby, she can't hold a job because she just can't. I'm going to wait it out.

[Cocoon]

It's confusing. I hope you did good self care today, and made yourself feel loved and supported.

I've been learning a lot about the skill of "self soothing" like a long walk, cooking, calling a friend... .it's hard to ask for help and support. I'm struggling to do this myself.

Here's a good thought for you!

[freedom33]

Another thing, she did not block me on Facebook, she deactivated. I can't block a deactivated Facebook. She thinks she is calling the shots, and she is for now.

Sounds to me as if you are trapped in a power struggle. I have been in a similar situation where I defriended her and she then blocked me as if I was going to look her up to add her as a my friend again. You can never be sure why they do what they do. Mine could have done it to have the last word or simply out of raging reflexes. The fact of the matter is 'it doesn't matter'. This is war and BPDs are living in a constant warzone. Simply put, they are better trained than us. Guess who is going to win? Don't try it buddy.

Wish you the best

[hurting300]

It is a war, she has to under any circumstances have control. Think about my experience with my ex. She had sex twice with me, washed my clothes, text me all day. Same day i get home she is gone with our baby. Not one word since. That's a classic pull for power.

[freedom33]

I just read this. It is really interesting and spot on.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

[hurting300]

These people crave control. They never had it before.

[Pingo]

I just read this. It is really interesting and spot on.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

This was so helpful to read today.  I have been reading a lot about attachment theory lately trying to understand my role in our dysfunction but it also makes me feel compassion for my ex as I see how his unstable attachment style has created so much problems which leads to me feeling like I could have done more or helped him more if I only understood it more... .Reading this brings me back to reality.  It WAS abuse and I can only heal MYSELF.

[hurting300]

I was more attached to my ex than anyone I had ever been with despite the fact she was bad tome.

[freedom33]

 

I am glad it helped you!

It WAS abuse and I can only heal MYSELF.

You bet it was!

[Serenitytoo]

I just read this. It is really interesting and spot on.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

Excellent, thank you.

The thing I get stuck on is... do pwBPD`s mean to use control tactics? Are they in control in a sense of what and why they are doing these things? I feel my exSO (I find it hard to say he is an ex) has no idea that some, not all of these tactics were being displayed. I feel that he was more OCD and needed to have control to minimise his own vulnerability. He needed to feel he was boss (King of the Castle) because he felt so inadequate. If anyone undermined him, he would feel personally attacked. He could not share the relationship on equal terms. That does not make him a bad person, just someone who needs help to feel better about himself.

[Serenitytoo]

Another thought... .Does that make it Abuse? I thought Abuse was intentional, not accidental.

[freedom33]

IMO there very few genuinely bad people in the world like proper malicious psychopaths. Most of us are struggling to get by and minimise our suffering in this world. If we get like that by picking up 'fleas' and 'madness' from the airwaves surrounding ourselves with pwBP traits imagine how they must be living with themselves 24/7... .Hell on earth

[Pingo]

I just read this. It is really interesting and spot on.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

Excellent, thank you.

The thing I get stuck on is... do pwBPD`s mean to use control tactics? Are they in control in a sense of what and why they are doing these things? I feel my exSO (I find it hard to say he is an ex) has no idea that some, not all of these tactics were being displayed. I feel that he was more OCD and needed to have control to minimise his own vulnerability. He needed to feel he was boss (King of the Castle) because he felt so inadequate. If anyone undermined him, he would feel personally attacked. He could not share the relationship on equal terms. That does not make him a bad person, just someone who needs help to feel better about himself.

I think that is the part where we get caught up.  We think we can be that help in making them feel better about themselves but now I realise that they need to recognise that lack for themselves and want to do something about it.  I was an open book to my ex, I was caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate... .I tried to make him feel good about himself constantly yet he never stopped being jealous, paranoid or possessive.  It was beyond my control.  I couldn't be his therapist.  I was his wife.

[freedom33]

Another thought... .Does that make it Abuse? I thought Abuse was intentional, not accidental.

I think it is intentional. Manipulation, lying, denying, gaslighting all this is abuse and it is done consciously. It is just that they do it to avoid abandonment - for being taken care of, reenacting a first caregiver relationship - as opposed to antisocials that do it with in cold blood for personal gain. So the end is more justifiable in BPDs when compared other PDs not the means.

[freedom33]

[I tried to make him feel good about himself constantly yet he never stopped being jealous, paranoid or possessive.  It was beyond my control.  I couldn't be his therapist.  I was his wife.

Bottomless pit

[Serenitytoo]

I still find all this incredibly hard to believe... .I dont want to believe it.

[Serenitytoo]

Like you, freedom33, I feel exhausted with all the love, care and bolstering I could possibly do. I do the same with my D15. She has the same defeatist attitude, but she is a CHILD and at that stage of development. I expect she will mature and her outlook on life will change for the better.

[Serenitytoo]

Pingo

_{Thank you}

[Pingo]

Like you, freedom33, I feel exhausted with all the love, care and bolstering I could possibly do. I do the same with my D15. She has the same defeatist attitude, but she is a CHILD and at that stage of development. I expect she will mature and her outlook on life will change for the better.

Yes!  After I ended my marriage he asked me why I couldn't give him another chance since I was able to give my daughter chances when she messed up.  Because she is a child (well she's an adult now, 20) and I was responsible to raise her as best I could and teach her as best I could to be a healthy adult.  That is not my responsibility with him!  He IS an adult!  That is HIS responsibility!  Never mind I gave him 800 chances!

[Serenitytoo]

BINGO... I think you found the answer!

[hurting300]

If you want a BPD out, set firm boundaries and call them out. Works like a charm