Why do they deny the abuse?

[November_Rain]

My uBPDh completely denies the abuse. At first he had me doubting myself if it really happened the way I remembered it. He said he remembered things differently. This last time there was no room for doubt though/. He claims that I hit myself so that I could make him leave and always accuses me of wanting a divorce, even though I tell him I don't. I am currently 6 months pregnant and he doesn't seem to care that he might injure our unborn child when he rages and hits me. Does he really not remember or does he intentionally block it out because of his shame?

[JohnLove]

Hi November_Rain.

This is a very good question. It's something I needed help with (and probably still do). They DO remember things differently. PwBPD process happenings in reality differently. Absolute FACTS morph into whatever they need to serve themselves or more correctly soothe their frazzled emotions or fit their wanted version of reality.

I felt like I was losing my mind before I knew about the intricacies of BPD. I even ended up at her T seeking help because of my extreme distress at some of her behaviours.

Physical contact is unavoidable (and sometimes desirable) in this physical world but physical abuse really is not acceptable. Playfighting for example can appear to someone else as abuse but it is in the context.

When a BPD is in a rage, it is a RAGE. A real rage. Like you would feel if someone was doing something absolutely intolerable... .to a small child for example... .most of us never have a need to rage except in extreme circumstances that warrant it.

A rage is someone having a physical outburst (or action) from experiencing an extreme emotion and they have little fine motor control. They are almost completely out of control.

I feel both of your closing statements are true. He remembers... .just not like you and I might. I have pinned down (metaphorically speaking) my BPDgf with the fact of the matter and she gets a funny look on her face... .like I'm lying or she just can't get her head around it. Same as you or I feel about THEIR "truth". It would seem as though we are living in separate worlds.  

I believe it has to do with avoiding shame and responsibility for behaviour or actions.


Protect yourself and your unborn child. Stay safe.

[Suspicious1]

Denial and minimisation is part of abuse. There's an excellent book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Would highly recommend it for unpicking just this kind of thing.