Anyone Else Feel Completely Overwhelmed?

[jmanvo2015]

I've only been here for a few days, but I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all of this information.  Does anyone else feel this way?  I'm resentful that I have all of these problems to deal with that aren't my fault, but rather have come from a family legacy of BPD and NPD.  Sometimes, it feels like I have to spend my life paying for other people's mistakes.  I've been going to therapy since I was 16 and was always willing to work on myself and take medication and do anything I could to have a better life.  But, in recent years, I'm realizing that I did all of this but my BPD mom and 2 NPD dads did nothing and they actually have better lives than me!  I have strugged to find a good man and get married and have my own family but it never works out.  Yet, my NPD biological father, who abandoned me when I was 10 and gave me up for adoption to my NPD stepfather, has a beautiful, loving wife who is only a few years older than me and 2 stepkids that love him.  So, he did all these things that set me up to have so many relationship difficulties, but he got off scott-free!   He'll always have somebody there to take care of him but, for me,  as a single 45-year old woman, I worry constantly that I'll end up homeless and impoverished.  That seems so unfair to me.  I used to believe in God and go to church, but now I'm practically an atheist because I'm so overwhelmed by how I've always been a good person but people that are selfish and narcissistic seem to rule the world!  Oy.  I know this is probably stinkin thinkin but please help me understand and make some sense of all of this!

Life seems very unfair and overwhelming these days.  I'm seeing a new therapist on Thursday, but I'd be so grateful for anybody's insights or advice on how to overcome these feelings of resentment and anger that I have for all 3 of my parents and how to find some happiness of my own.

In addition to therapy, I mediate, say affirmations and welcome any other advice.  Particularly from anyone, like me, who has been single their whole lives as a result of the mess of BPD/NPD parenting. How do you survive on your own?  What do you do to make sure you don't end up homeless?  How do you find support and friendships? I have very little family, so my mother, father and stepfather are both my support system and the people that hurt me the most... .

[Harri]

You are right. 

It is not fair that you have to deal with the fallout of your parents poor choices and rotten upbringing. 

It is not fair that you are damaged because they did not get their acts together so they could raise you properly and provide you with a good foundation and tools for developing a good emotional base from which to grow. 

It is not fair that you have worked so hard on yourself and getting to the point where you can move beyond their history and make your own.

It is not fair to see your father having a good life even though he failed so miserably at proving one for you.

You are right.  Not one bit of all that is fair.  Being angry and resenting all that is totally normal and it is actually good that you can see all that.  So let yourself feel angry or resentful or whatever it is you feel.  Acknowledge it and when you are ready, move on.

I am going to share a quote with you here that was offered to me by another person who helped me at the very beginning of my journey to healing.  It took a while for me to accept and understand fully what it meant but once I did, I found it very empowering and over the years it has become a source of comfort for me.  It also allowed me to change the way I look at life and how I respond to lifes' challenges, good or bad.  I share it with you not because I think you are like I was, but because of what you shared in your post and where you asked for some understanding.  I'm not sure any of what we experienced as kids will ever be understandable, but we can put things into a workable context and change the way we respond. 

Existential Paradox from Dr. Joseph Santoro:

We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults, but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.

I still get angry when I remember certain things.  I sometimes still resent that I have had to deal with a lot of crap that if only I had better or different parents none of it ever would have been.  I get terrified about losing my home (a very very real threat right now) and that I have no one to help me.  With me though, that is my signal that I am moving back into my victim role and I refuse to be a victim to their poor choices any more.  I spent almost 38 years doing that.  NO MORE.  So I go back to the above quote and put everything into a workable context where I get to choose to be responsible for me and my choices today.  I may not always like what is happening, but I will be damned if I am going to be a victim to anything and I refuse to put myself back into that role.   

The very last thing in the world I want for you as you get ready to move back to your mother and step-father is to feel like you have no control over the choices you are making.  So continue to be angry and grieve for what you should have had and how unfair it all is.  There is truth there and I think your feelings are normal.  But remember, you are in control now and you get to be responsible.  Learn SET, learn how to set strong boundaries and be ready to follow through on them.

You ask how another single person survives on their own.  I am single, never married with only two close friends and several acquaintances.  I have one older brother and a nephew and sister in law.  That is my family.  It is what it is and I am usually relieved when I read about those of us with larger families.  Fewer people means less bull___ even though I do feel lonely at times.  I have had one long term (7 year) relationship but lo and behold, he had PD issues as well.  I have my own struggles and have been diagnosed with c-PTSD in the past.

As for not being homeless.  Haha, I have been out of work due to health issues since March of last year.  I have been living off my savings and I have enough left to get me through the next 3 months.  After that, it is all a crap shoot really.  I worked while I was ill for 7 years and eventually got to the point where my body just can't do it any more, but prior to that I was making good money and was well able to support myself and then some.  Then I got sick, had complications from surgery and the next two years were hell with me working mostly part time.  I lost everything and moved back in with my dad.  The only reason why I did move back was because my mom had died.  I never would have if she were alive.  By the time I did move back in I had huge credit card debt from living expenses.  I then had more surgeries to deal with fixing the complications.  Then my father died and there went any illusion of support or safety net.  Eventually was able to get back to full time work.  Yeah, it was not good at all but I rebuilt and was doing okay until my health tanked again.  So I am now looking at the same damn possibility of losing everything, except this time I will be homeless if certain things do not fall into place.

It is what it is and I will deal with and manage whatever happens.  After I freak out a bit and cry for a little while of course!  I might even kick a chair or something! 

I do have two or three close friends whom I trust and can ask for help if I need it in terms of fixing things in my home or helping me clean, etc.  I have one brother, a 6 year old nephew (who is a joy!) and my sister in law.  My brother and I love each other, but he is busy with his own life and is not really consistent with following through on what he says he will do.  I have learned to not ask for help or when i do, make sure it is not something I need done immediately.  I occasionally forget and I feel hurt and frustrated but then I remember he is who he is and I know him and love him anyway. 

jmanvo, I hope my above post did not come across as harsh.  I can empathize with your situation and circumstances and I know how difficult it all can be.  Be realistic with yourself about just how much support you will get from your mother and step-father.  They are who they are.  The very good news, that I think you mentioned elsewhere, is that you will be working in realtime regarding any possible triggers or behavior you can change while living with them. 

Be well.   

[jmanvo2015]

Harri,

I'm very grateful for your response.  It's very insightful.  It made me cry, but in a good way.  I needed a good cry.  The past month has been really challenging.  The thought of moving back in with my folks at 45, even though it's mostly my choice and I want to do it, has made me feel like a failure. I've been holding in a lot of emotion, but I knew it was there and needed to come out.  After you wrote your statements that "validated" ( a word I'm learning here on these forums) my sense of unfairness, the tears fell.  You're right, none of it is fair.  You're also right that it's my responsibility for where my life goes from here.  Thank you very much for sharing your own struggles with loneliness and family disappointments.  I am very sorry to hear that you're in danger of losing your home, but I admire what you say about not being a victim.  I understand that completely.  I had cancer a few years back and was really sick.  I really bottomed out and depleted my savings and since then have relied a lot on my parents for financial support.  So, I understand what it means to be too sick to work.  I can only hope that things will get better for you and that you will find the resources you need to land on your feet.  I am here as a "virtual" friend to listen and provide moral support.  A few months back, I would've said, "I'll pray for you," but these days I'm questioning my own faith and wondering if I wasted a lot of time in my life on the magical thinking associated with organized religion that I could've spent actually accomplishing things, rather than thinking god or faith was going to solve problems that required elbow grease and movement.  Oh well, I hope to someday find my way back to god.  But, for now, I'm finding my way to me!  I'm grateful for your wisdom and new friendship.  I look forward to interacting with you more on the boards. 

[Harri]

I am both sorry and happy you had a good cry jmanvo.  Sometimes i wish I could cry on command as I usually feel so much better after doing so.  I was a bit worried after I made the post, but I am so relieved my words helped.  The knowledge that we get to choose how to respond rather than just reacting and that we get to be responsible for every good, bad or mediocre thing that we do is wonderful isn't it? 

Moving back in with your family is only a failure if you choose to look at it that way.  You have stated that it was your choice to do so, so it is not really a failure is it?  You took a look at where you were at, decided you did not want that any more and took steps to change it.  That is all good stuff! 

I am glad you beat the cancer!  That too is wonderful.   

I appreciate your good wishes and the offer of support.  I have a feeling I will be posting quite a bit in the coming weeks.  When I am in crisis I manage quite well.  It is the aftermath I have difficulty with.  This time around, the depression has been greater than ever so who knows how I will cope, but I am sure I will be okay in the end.  Having friends and support here will be vital and so very welcome.   

A few months back, I would've said, "I'll pray for you," but these days I'm questioning my own faith and wondering if I wasted a lot of time in my life on the magical thinking associated with organized religion that I could've spent actually accomplishing things, rather than thinking god or faith was going to solve problems that required elbow grease and movement.

   

I don't think it is ever a waste to believe in god or to have faith in those beliefs. 

Oh well, I hope to someday find my way back to god.  But, for now, I'm finding my way to me!

    Perhaps in finding yourself, you will also be finding god. 

[Indie]

Oh well, I hope to someday find my way back to god.  But, for now, I'm finding my way to me!

    Perhaps in finding yourself, you will also be finding god.  [/quote]
So that's a pretty cool thing you two said.   Reminds me if one is looking for a g-u-r-u, realize Gee - You - Are - You 

[workinprogress]

jmanvo, I'll give you a little different perspective.

My parents have pretty much burned all of their bridges.  They are both terminally ill now.  No one visits them, they have no friends, and my mom's side of the family have all passed.

That leaves me.  They bullied me throughout my childhood.  I don't like visiting them.  But, I suck it up and I visit them.  I am torn with guilt.  If I got emotionally close to them, they would rip me apart.  I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with them.

As I said, I do suck it up and visit them.  I feel horribly bad for them.  I wish they had a friend or someone who cared about them, but they don't, and that leaves the burden on me.

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you workinprogress for sharing with me.  I can only imagine how difficult your situation is to have not one but two parents with a terminal illness and to have them be parents that were abusive.  I don't know what to say other than that I sympathize with you and am offering you a virtual hug of compassion 

[workinprogress]

Thank you workinprogress for sharing with me.  I can only imagine how difficult your situation is to have not one but two parents with a terminal illness and to have them be parents that were abusive.  I don't know what to say other than that I sympathize with you and am offering you a virtual hug of compassion 

Thanks.  I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, just be glad that they are fortunate to have someone in their lives.  I know it sounds weird because of how they treated you.