Got sentimental...

[Recooperating]

NC for exactly 2 weeks... .I thought it would get easier, but it only gets harder. Im going in circles... .I want him back... .No I dont... .I wanna call him... .No I dont... .I miss him... .No I dont... .I can "fix" him... .No I cant... .Why cant I "fix" him... .Its up to him... .I want him to be the way I want him to be... .Dream on... .

I hate it that I couldnt do what other people on the staying board can! Why cant I be firm in setting boundaries. Why does his jerkish behaviour affect me so much? Why cant I be better and stronger and be the person he wants me to be? I know the answer... .I have codependency issues... .He was diagnosed, I "made" him go to therapy after his last affair in february. But he got into T, didnt take it too serious, I guess he did it for me... .But the anger outburst just didnt stop and I couldnt deal with it anymore! I broke, 3 weeks before the wedding I left him... .I cant seem to teally cry... .So I wrote and that made me cry... .


Its not your fault, but is it mine?

Love and hate, its a thin line

I couldnt cope, couldnt understand

It hurt me so much, I couldnt withstand

I tried to help, but it wasnt up to me

I tried to change you, I didnt let you be

I tried to cope, read, ignore, I tried to be better

But I failed, in the end it all didnt matter

Your words hurt me and I hurt you back

"We" and "Us"  became one big anxiety attack

We held on based on dreams we both had

But "in the now" we were frustrated angry and sad

I do so love you and I know you love me

Im so sorry Im not who you need me to be

Im not strong, not strict, I have codependency

Your anger, push and pulls trigger my insecurity

And it kills me to realise and say

We are so much better off this way

Its not your fault, is it mine?

I am not strong enough to stop you and draw the line

If I could I'd give you the world, give you my all

But your pushing me away draws up my armor and my walls

You hate me now and maybe thats ok

Hate is a feeling too in a strange kind of way

Lies, anger, hate, resentment and a lot of fuss

In the end that was all that was left of us

My hubby, my love, my babe, my honey

Ended up in rage, anger and a battle over money

Im so sorry, i wasnt what you needed me to be

Im so sorry, it wasnt enough for you to see

My efforts, my investing, my time and my love

Go my sweety, heal and find another beloved

Im sorry I hurt you, and I know you are sorry to

Letting you grow and heal is all that I can do

Not my loss, not your loss, but definately ours

Please remember me, and find strenght in little yellow flowers.

[Pingo]

That is beautiful and I can identify with every word.  There are tears in my eyes as I struggle with the 'what ifs' and 'if only I... .' 

Sometimes I wonder if I had found this forum and learned about the disorder, could things have been different?  But then I read about the people who did know and did try all the techniques and strategies to cope and still had to leave for their own sanity.  Underlying all this pain is the trauma bond which I am just learning about.  It has helped immensely and I have just ordered a book about it from the library.  I hope it can stop the 'what ifs' and 'if only s'.