Why wasn't I painted black? - he blamed my son

[Popcorn71]

Something that has puzzled me since my xBPDh left, is that he insisted I hadn't done anything wrong.  During the first few weeks after we split up, he told lots of people how great I was and kept asking anyone who knew me, how I was doing.  Several people commented on how this was strange behaviour, particularly as he was doing it even when he was with the replacement.  Surely she must have thought it was a bit weird?

During one of the few conversations I had with him after we split, he told me that I had been a good wife but that he didn't see a future with me because my son would always be in my life.  They didn't get on but I know now that it was mainly because my ex was physically abusive to my son for most of the time I was with him.  He also told me that he wanted us to stay friends and that he hoped that if we saw each other out he could have a chat and buy me a drink.  He got annoyed when I wouldn't agree to that and told him that I wouldn't have anything more to do with him.

Before he left, my ex used to tell me that it proved he loved me because he put up with my kids and that I would never find anyone else who would do that.  He constantly put them down and blamed my son for all our problems.

The strange thing is the replacement has a son only a couple of years older than mine and he lives with them.  She also had other grown up kids and grandchildren who will probably be around a lot.  It makes me wonder why he can 'put up with' her family when he didn't want mine around.

Sometimes I think he used this as an excuse and really he just went off me but didn't want to tell me.  But then I think that if that was the case, he might as well have just told me because he clearly enjoyed hurting me when he told me about the replacement.

Any thoughts on this?  I don't know why it still matters to me but it is one of the things that keeps on going around in my mind.

[enlighten me]

That does seem strange.

Maybe your son was his trigger. Was he abused as a child and continuing the cycle with your son?

The fact that it was your son he was being horrible to as opposed to you is why you where not painted black. It seems to me that the worse a BPD is towards someone the blacker that person is painted.

[Popcorn71]

From what my ex told me, he had a strange childhood and was physically abused.  He said he lived with another family for a while when he was around 3 years old and also that he spent a lot of time with an old man helping on his farm when he was around 10 years old.  He was the middle child of a large family of boys and I get the impression that his mother struggled with them.  She was not a loving woman and my ex told me that he was beaten by her and that she once broke his nose because she hit him so hard.  He did appear to be the black sheep of the family and I really believe he hated his mother.  For the last 3 years of her life he did not have anything to do with her and seemed to take pride in telling people he had cut her out of his life.

I also think he was jealous of my relationship with my son.  We were very close when he came into our lives as my son was only 6 years old.   I am ashamed to say that he almost drove me to the point of giving up my son to his father.  He caused such a rift between us that I barely had any relationship left with my son.  However, now we are closer than ever and doing well :-)  I am just sorry that my son went through so much that I didn't know at the time.

[patientandclear]

Popcorn, your post brings up so much painful identification for me.

My ex left me saying I was the best partner but inevitably things would go bad for us because of my daughter, who was 6. Like you I am ashamed of how I prioritized him over her ... .Had I had the chance, there was a time right after the breakup when I would practically have given her up just to be back with him, I was that destroyed by him leaving, and that addicted to him.

He was clearly triggered by the (mis-) impression that I was choosing her over him. He had horrible childhood experiences of his parents choosing a sibling over him (as well as really horrible abuse) and I'm sure some small events with us catapulted him right back into that place, causing him to react with fear and defensiveness. He articulated it eventually as not being up to be a step-parent, having had his own kids when he was really young. That hurt so much. Obviously he had known I had a kid, I thought, and nothing unusual had happened with her, so where was this coming from? ... .I knew nothing of BPD then.

But as with you, my ex went on to be with a woman with two small kids, and that has puzzled and really hurt me, but I think that is just not knowing how triggers works. They are unique to the situation it seems to me. It was really not about my daughter per se, she was just the portal through which his childhood trauma got activated in our r/ship. In another r/ship it apparently will be something else (he's had a very painful and rocky road with this recent woman and hurt her a great deal from what little I know; not sure if her kids are part of that dynamic or it's something else with her).

I think the key points are: it's scary that we were so enamored/addicted to these men to even contemplate allowing them to damage our relationships with our kids; and in the end the triggers are kind of random and situational. I doubt your ex is any great gift to this new family but the dynamic will be different.

Good for you for reestablishing a strong r/ship with your son. He must be so relieved and glad. I've done the same with my daughter. I often second-guess boundaries I set with my ex that seem to have cost me any relationship with him, but when I consider how messed up my relationship with my kid would have become had we stayed together, it's hard to regret those choices.

[Popcorn71]

Like you I am ashamed of how I prioritized him over her ... .Had I had the chance, there was a time right after the breakup when I would practically have given her up just to be back with him, I was that destroyed by him leaving, and that addicted to him.

He was clearly triggered by the (mis-) impression that I was choosing her over him.

Yes, I agree, he was my addiction.  I remember once, when we were having problems and I thought he was leaving, I was physically sick.  Never before have I reacted to anyone in the way that he made me react.  It was an actual physical addiction - not just emotional and mental.

I also agree with your observation about the choice thing being an issue.  My ex even told other people that he thought I was choosing my son over him.  They advised him that this was normal as he was my son and I would never turn my back on him.  Unfortunately, my ex could not accept this.  He often argued with me over this and although I tried to explain that I should not be put in a position to have to choose, he just put me there anyway.

I still think now, that him leaving was his final attempt at making me choose him.  But it backfired on him really as he was left with the choice of a life alone or with the replacement and a whole new set of problems.  I can't help but think that he didn't really want either of those options but things had gone too far by then.  And to really top it off for him, he did me a massive favour and put me in a position where I have been able to rebuild my relationship with my kids, better than it has ever been.  He tried so hard to destroy my family and failed miserably.