Managing Family Relationships

[jmanvo2015]

I am curious to hear about other's experiences managing their family relationships.  I'm the daughter of a BPD mom, a NPD stepdad anda NPD biological father.  So, needless to say, I am hypersensitive and hyper vigilant and this has caused a lot of problems with me in relationships both within and outside of my family.  I am also an only child, so that compounds interpersonal difficulties.

I'm wondering how people like me manage relationships with family members without being hurt?  In the past, things would really throw me.  For example, I have a cousin who doesn't keep in touch with me and sometimes I feel like him and his wife are looking down their noses at me.  I don't know this for a fact, of course. It's just how I feel.  We are actually in the same field, and I've had some successes, but I'm always thinking that maybe he keeps me at an arms' length distance because he thinks I want money or work from him, which I don't.  I've never asked him for anything and frankly, I'm so shy and self-conscious, I'm sure I never would.

When we do interact, my cousin is always very nice and friendly.  But, he's really lousy at keeping in touch.  A few years ago, I did something that makes me wonder if I am also BPD like my mother.  I got really mad at him and sent him an angry email and then unfriended him and his entire family on Facebook.  That's really stupid, right?  I mean how totally immature and emotional, right?

But, sometimes it seems that people like my cousin are not emotional at all.  They're on a career fast track and so focused on that they don't have time for family obligations.  Before I'd cut them off, they'd actually completely blown me off at an event when they were in the same town where I live.  They made plans with me, but they never showed up.  They didn't even call to tell me why. 

But, I'm lonely and I want to have relationships with my family.  But what is a normal relationship?  Does it mean I send a holiday card once a year, but never see or interact with them?  I am wondering if I should just send an email each quarter and then leave it at that.  If they respond, great.  If they don't, no problem.  I would just keep doing it for my own sake to maintain the relationship. 

I try to minimize the loneliness I feel by reaching out to family, but I'm always disappointed when they don't seem to want to have a relationship with me.  It hurts the most when it's family, you know?   Should I just give up on them? 

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

I responded to another of your posts, so I hope I don't repeat myself here.

I try to minimize the loneliness I feel by reaching out to family, but I'm always disappointed when they don't seem to want to have a relationship with me.  It hurts the most when it's family, you know?   Should I just give up on them?

I am sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I was where you are now, grieving over a family that I have no contact with. I did reach out to my sisters recently and it did not go well. My parents have contact with only one of their children, and none of us kids talk. Pretty sad on the surface, but through some tough work, I asked myself some important questions.

If I were not related to them, would I seek out a relationship with any of them?

Would I allow a friend to ridicule me, yell at me, demean me, or use me for their personal needs?

Am I obligated to have a relationship with someone that gave me life and share my DNA?

Are all families composed of "blood" relatives?

Then I began to explore a family of "choice". I shared my story with a few select friends and was amazed at the support and validation I received. These friendships before were with people who had never said anything to me that was uncaring or unkind, so I felt comfortable in sharing with them. Mind you, I took almost 10 years to share with my closest friend because I was actively participating in keeping the illusion of family in place. I still had contact with my family at the time. When I broke all ties, I told my friends. These people are my family of choice. We have shared many things over many years of friendship (more than twenty years).

This is not to say that it still doesn't hurt when I talk with them and they mention their family members and the things they do together. The truth is, they do not have perfect families or perfect lives, but they also didn't have parents that abused them emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically, or sexually. There is a balance, but honestly I don't what that would look like in a "blood" family, but I do know what it FEELS like in my family of "choice".

Sorry such a long response, but I want to leave you with the idea to challenge your beliefs about family. John Bradshaw has some great information about family dynamics. You can find his information on Youtube. There are also some great articles on this site. It you check under the ANSWER tab, click on archived articles, there are many that address family relationships.

I hope this helps and wish you peace and blessings on your journey