Worried about my adult daughter.

[sjp20]

I'm unsure but I'm starting to think my daughter may have BPD.  She is an adult daughter of nearly 27, who has self harmed in the past and I think she is doing it again now.  She has unbelievable mood swings which appear to range from being severely depressed to totally high over the course of any one month.  She has a complete lack of respect for me and is continually borrowing money from me without paying it back. Holding a job down at the minute, but very close to losing it, if she hasn't done so already. I'v joined here to read other peoples story's to see if anything relates to the situation with my daughter and to either get ideas as to how I can help her or if I can't then to try to ease my heartache and pain.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello sjp20

You have come to the right place and I think you will find exactly what you are looking for on Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

.

If you click on this link you will find many of us in a similar situation. There is a lot of support there to help ease the heartache and a lot of constructive advice on how to help your daughter and improve your communication with her.

Some of us have children (adult and adolescent) with a formal diagnosis-others have children who are displaying features of the disorder.

I hope that you will join us on the parent's board and post about any specific problems you have.

You will find yourself among friends.

[maxen]

hi sjp20 and i join lever in saying 

i'm so sorry to read about your situation, and your daughter's. her behaviors must be very hard for you to take, and she clearly isn't very happy within herself either. you have come to a great place though: we have an active community of posters who are ready to listen and to help, and a wealth of resources too. i hope you will visit the link lever gave, and you may also want to have a look at What can a parent do? and BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

has your daughter had any kind of therapy? do you yourself have a counselor, or any friends or family, you can talk to? please keep posting sjp20!

[HealingSpirit]

Hello sjp20,

I'd like to join Lever and Maxen in welcoming you to our family. I'm so sorry to hear you've had more than your share of trouble with your DD.  I'm glad you found us, as I know you will find support and help here.  My DD17 has a long history of self-harm, but her last cutting episode landed her in a pediatric mental hospital for a 3-day hold.  And my DD rages when she gets angry, and becomes suicidal when she is sad.  No dimmer switch on her emotions.  They're either full-on, or full-off.

Whether or not your DD is diagnosed with BPD is not as important as YOU getting the support and help you need to deal with her. You can do that here. There are "Tools" and "Lessons" to the right of this board that you may find very helpful.  I found that learning to validate and listen to my DD with S.E.T. (sympathy, empathy, truth) really help to calm down her rages.  Taking time-outs for myself has also been very helpful.  I am currently reading Boundaries, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.  Many parents here have recommended it because BPD offspring can really push your limits. Honing your boundary skills could help you when your DD wants money, which is another common theme here.

I'm glad you found us.  Do you have any other support system to help you center yourself?  Friends or family, or a therapist?

Hang in there!

[drummerboy]

Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mom. This might sound a bit strange to hear, but bear with me. My uBPD exgf had a mom that was in complete denial about her daughters condition, not only that but her mum was actually her worst enemy because she was me ex's number one enabler which just made matters so much worse for my ex. IMO BPDs have the emotional maturity of a 5 year, they act like spoilt little girls and her mum treated her like a little girl. Made most of her decisions for her and talked to her for hours every day. My point is, just make sure you are not her enabler because even though you may think its a loving thing to do, loaning her money and doing things for her you are in effect telling her she can't stand on her own two feet and do things for herself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but having seen a mom be her daughters worst enemy by killing her with kindness I have a strong opinion on this.

[sjp20]

Thank you everyone.  I cannot believe it is 2 years since I found this site.  I still find myself in the same situation.  Only now my daughter has a child my Grandson.  I do need some help.  I know I have caused the BPD (if that is what she has) as I have done much research on the subject.  I went back to full time work when she was just 2 months old and my sister did my childminding.  She wanted to be part of my sisters family so much.  She called her mum when I wasn't around and still calls my brother in law Dad to this day.  Even when we point out to her now age nearly 29 he's not your real dad, she flies into a rage.  She blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life and I don't blame her.  I was a single mum.  Her dad left us when she was a toddler.  I fell in Love with someone soon after he lived with us until she went to primary school and then we split up, she was always angry with him but looking back now she says she loved him.  I decided then not to get involved with anyone else as it would be too painful for her if it didn't work out.  I didn't until she was aged 14.  I then fell for another man.  At 14 she needed me more than I realised at the time and I now know that I wasn't there for her and more interested in pursuing this man.  I don't mean I wasn't at home I was there, well after work.  We had holidays etc, but I wasn't a good mother in the sense of the word, I wanted to be her friend and I never set boundaries and let her have whatever she wanted.  At the same time I now realise I had my own issues.  I was desperately lonely and would be attracted to the wrong type of people.  She hated the man I pursued, the man I am now married to.  For 12 years she has hated him and me.  She has been happy to have all the things she has been brought and she has been happy to let me run around after her doing anything and everything to make her happy.  But she is never happy.  She rages at me.  I know I deserve to be where I am, i get that.  i just don't want to give up, I want to help her, because her life is sad.  We have a relationship but just not a good one.  At the weekend I spent time with her as I knew she was alone, we went visiting friends, I spent most of the day with her, but then she sprung on me that she wanted me to babysit.  I had plans that evening and said I would happily have my grandson at my house but she won't let me have him at my house and said no it has to be at mine.  When I wouldn't comply she was shouting at me in a field full of people.  She wouldn't speak to me all the way home and when I dropped her off she stomped into the house (a house that I am renting to her - only she hasn't paid me any rent for the last couple of months) without even saying goodbye or thanks for taking me out or anything.  This is just one small example of what life is like. We tried therapy a few years ago but once after 3/4 sessions the therapist started to focus on her, she didn't want to go anymore.  I want to see a therapist myself, but can't seem to find one that understands this behaviour and really I guess what i'm looking for is one that can help move me forward not keep going over and over old ground.  I know I have done wrong.  I wrote a heartfelt apology letter to her - had my sister read it first she thought it was very good.  My daughter flew into a rage over it.  I really just want to know what I can do to help. I also want to try to stop history repeating itself.  If she rages in front of my Grandson will he learn that behaviour?  She is a very good mum. Adamant to parent better than me.  In hindsight I wished I had stayed at home and not gone to work.  But I thought I was doing the right thing. 

[qcarolr]

sjp20 

Some of the details are different with my BPDDD30, yet the story you share here feels so familiar. Even at the same ages and stages. It has been so easy for me to latch onto the grain of truth in my Dd's rantings against me. Then I take on all the pain - her and mine - and own it as my own. I become more miserable with myself, and DD misses a chance to learn to live in her own pain. And maybe her pain is just too much to hold. If I am not there when she is overwhelmed she will lash out at someone else. It is just that I make myself so available to her.

Even though things are better overall, at least when DD is not too overwhelmed by her life situations, I still have to practice all the tools in the right sidebar. Have you worked through any of these? They have helped me find support for myself here and in my local community. I have to turn my mind away from beating myself up. Even though it is easy to believe, and there are plenty of places (esp. on the internet) to tell me it is all my fault, I no longer buy into this. Well most of the time now.

BPD is a complex, very individual disorder. I have read and read and read too. A human being is influened in their development by so many factors with parenting only one part. An influential one, but not the only one. Working my way through the lessons gave me a better perspective. I also read some books and watched some videos found under "foundation reading" that supported me  in my quest to be a good mom despite my own limitations. My past parenting mistakes do not limit my working to be a better parent now.

I hope your sharing your story here can bring you much needed support. It is obvious to me that you care deeply about your DD as you continue to reach out to her. Maybe there are some changes you can make in how you approach her that can lead to a healthier relationship with her. Even with the continuing pits in the road, my r/s is better with my DD many days now. I realize that her raging is often triggered by other things/people in her life and I am 'safe' to project her emotions on because I have always been there to take the heat. It is a gradual process as I change myself it changes the dymanics of our r/s.

I am on your side. Let us know how you are doing as you work with the tools and skills. They really can help.

qcr Carol

[sjp20]

Thank you so much qcr Carol I really appreciate the support and I will work through the lessons.  I am in the UK and I'm struggling to find the right support for this.  Counsellors/therapists who don't have experience of dealing with possible BPD just seem to think if I cut her out and walk away from her she will improve.  From what I am reading that will only make her insecurities worse.  I want to learn how to be able to cope in a r/s with her and at the same time want support from people around me who understand the disorder. At the same time I'm fearful of labelling her and making it all worse.  I'm  finding it difficult to be with my now husband who she hates because I find I'm blaming him because he tends to speak without thinking and giving me what feel like little jibes and digs about her. I'm now no longer close with my sister and her family because they are angry and dislike my D29 for the way she treats me and have excluded her from family occasions. I have tried to explain that I believe she has NPD or BPD but they just think I am making excuses for her behaviour.  I feel very much alone in dealing with this.  I'm so confused because I don't know if its just me being over sensitive and blind (maybe she is just nasty) or everyone else not understanding the situation.  I really appreciate your reply and I will work through the lessons.  Thank you so much.

[qcarolr]

Sometimes we have to accept a label on a set of signs and symptoms to get services. BPD holds a lot of negative stigma in many many areas. It is so misunderstood. One description that has helped me to process my relationship with my DD is "trauma informed therapy". I have not really researched the term, but it was used to describe how I intend to relate to both my DD30 and gd11. (dh and I are raising our gd and have been primary caregivers since infancy)

"Trauma" does not need to rise to the level of what the general population thinks of with that word. Fire, natural disaster, hard-core abuse... . If a person has little resiliency often small slights are perceived as very abusive and traumatizing. This person is not able to process the incident, integrate it as part of the narrative of their life, let it go, move on. It continues to create drama in their life, so often from an unconscious place. We all do this to some extent. When it begins to interfere with daily life, then it is trauma. People with BPD are not the only populations with low resiliency, but most people with BPD are less resilient. My personal belief is that each of us is born with a baseline temperament which includes our native or natural level of resiliency. It can be improved which requires a focused effort over time.

I hope this description is helpful in your ponderings about BPD.

My dh sounds very like yours. He so often undoes with a few sarcastic comments my effort to be supportive with DD. To ease her pain, have empathy toward where she is at. He thinks I am too soft and manipulated. Well, those are a part of my relationship with DD, but not always 'bad' characteristics. DD has such intense anxiety when her perceived reality feels unsafe. I have to remember that her reality is very emotion based. This leaves logical reasoning and conversation beyond what she is able to take in. This makes my very very logical, rational dh very very frustrated and he ends up responding to her from such an angry place.

What has helped me with my marriage relationship is (1) making it a priority (2) using all my skills and tools in how I communicate with him. This is also great practice for my r/s with DD and gd. (3) making time to have some fun with common interests. Even if this is sitting and watching a TV show instead of household chores or personal interests like posting on  bpdfamily    My T suggested that I ask for comfort from dh. I went home and did that in those exact words. "Honey, I really need some comfort right now. Can I sit with you?"  This single moment started a new attitude between us that we are able to call upon when needed. I think this comes under validation skills. What a smart T!

What do you think about all this? I am curious to know.

qcr Carol

[sjp20]

Great advice and thank you again. I will try that.

[suzie14]

Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mom. This might sound a bit strange to hear, but bear with me. My uBPD exgf had a mom that was in complete denial about her daughters condition, not only that but her mum was actually her worst enemy because she was me ex's number one enabler which just made matters so much worse for my ex. IMO BPDs have the emotional maturity of a 5 year, they act like spoilt little girls and her mum treated her like a little girl. Made most of her decisions for her and talked to her for hours every day. My point is, just make sure you are not her enabler because even though you may think its a loving thing to do, loaning her money and doing things for her you are in effect telling her she can't stand on her own two feet and do things for herself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but having seen a mom be her daughters worst enemy by killing her with kindness I have a strong opinion on this.

I believe I have been an enabler.  I do everything for my adult child.  I run her errands, remind her when she has to pay a bill, give her more money than I should, I even used to call her in the mornings to wake her to go to work as she had a hard time waking herself, I do feel like I have a child rather than an adult daughter. I'm beginning to think I'm not helping her at all.  I need to tell her she is old enough and capable enough to make things work on her own.  I'm just afraid she will end up bankrupt, or worse in jail.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mommm]

Sjp,

I hope you are not punishing yourself still because I doubt any of your daughters behavior is your fault. Going to work is not wrong. Being lonely and wanting someone to love and share your life is not wrong. Blame the BPD, please, not yourself.    I believe you are a good mom.