Crummy dream about her

[Vatz]

I don't remember dreaming about her too often since she's been gone. She showed up in one last night.

We started talking, and laughing. It was a sentimental moment, then she offered I come to her house and spend the night. Even in the dream I wanted to say no. But then I thought "Eh, a hookup is a hookup." Then started saying "No sex, okay? Don't even think about it. You know I don't sleep with someone I'm not dating."

I thought about the men she cheated on me with. "No sex unless in a relationship." What made them so fking special that she'd break that rule? That's why no matter what, whenever she wanted it, I gave. Most times I gave it all I got. I wasn't lazy.

Anyway, back in the dream... .after she said all that stuff, I didn't want to even talk to her. But part of me said "Go, it's as good as you're going to get."

Thankfully my alarm woke me up.

Somewhere deep down, I still miss her and I want her to care for me the way I did for her. No amount of affection, patience, sex that I gave her will make her see the light. I thought that if I could make her feel good enough, she'd stop hurting me. That maybe she'd see that I'm really there. That I wanted to always be there. Now she's gone and she's found someone to replace me. I still feel if I were better, she'd still be with me and would have treated me nicer. But I wasn't, so I'm replaced.

I cried this morning. I feel alone, discarded and unwanted. Yet I'd still feel that way if she came back into my life. I should be happy she's gone, but I feel like it's just going downhill from here.

[hergestridge]

I don't know why, but I have always had dreams when I am denied sex. IRL a couple of girls threw themselves at me when I was in my teens, but I would go after the "difficult" girls and faced a lot of... .rejection I suppose. Up until present day.

My wife has been gone since early june. I realize that I could propably meet a new woman, but I don't feel happy and I don't feel attractive. I still feel like I need to weed this out first before I even think about it.

Since she left I sleep better at night and I think clearly. I have began to get perform better at work. Things are slowly catching up, but happy... .I think that comes later.

[BlackandBlue]

I feel your pain vatz. I often still dream about my ex and it really shakes me up and hangs with me all day. Just like you, deep down I miss her and wish things could go back to the idealization phase. Even if we did get back together and went through that phase again I know where it would lead... .right back down the dead end street to heartache. no matter what I did back then was ever enough and it wouldn't be enough now. I used to get beat up over not having enough sex with her. She said she feels like the guy in the relationships a would put me down. I explained to her over and over that im depressed and my meds effect my sex drive... .she always took it personal. But I too feel the pain of being alone and the rejection. I have to see my ex a few times a week at work and it cause me so much anxiety. I see her talking and interacting with everyone but me... .it sucks. Hang in there man. 

[StayOrLeave15]

Hey guys... .I'm two weeks NC and I've had a few dreams in the past few days where I'm with her and I am happy.  Then I wake up sick to my stomach. 

As far as the sex goes, we had an amazing sex life.  Our chemistry was like none other.  I've been with a good number of women and she is easily in the Top 3, if not number 1.  This is frustrating because now I feel like I compare every female to her, and none of them measure up.  I've slept with 3 women since breaking up with her a month ago and made out with three others out at bars/clubs.  I feel like none of these six females were even close to how it felt having sex with my uBPDxgf or even just how much I loved kissing her. 

But, I do feel like I will find another girl at some point who is *HEALTHY* and be both my lover and my best friend, as I thought this woman was over the course of our relationship.  And I believe the same for you guys. 

[Vatz]

One thing I miss, I sometimes grumbled but I used to make her pancakes. Her face would light up whenever she took a bite and it was the same joy as seeing her climax. "Job well done, Vatz." I'd think to myself. For a moment I'd be satisfied and everything would look okay.

I do want to meet a healthy person.

It was the demands. It was all this stuff. I told her what I could and couldn't do, and tried to point her in the right direction. It was never good enough. Sure, I was being selfish, I have good reason. I'm still building up my life. Before I can let her in like "name on the lease" wise, I needed to cover my bases. But she needed it then and there. I offered we go to my therapist for couples counseling. She was angry because she figured all the focus would be on me. I went with her twice and the focus was on HER and what SHE thought. Which was perfectly fine with me because I wanted to get some perspective on how she saw things and I wanted to be validating.

I miss her so much. But it's never going to happen. She already found someone new, and will forget all about me. I'm just picking up the pieces while going to bed lonely. I know, I'm ruminating but something is starting to crack. Up until now, I was sort of numb. Now I'm feeling a need to be back with her. To make her smile again. Towards the end, I didn't much make her smile except when I cooked for her. I withdrew. If I hadn't, maybe we'd still be together. Would I want that? I don't know.

[freedom33]

As far as the sex goes, we had an amazing sex life.  Our chemistry was like none other.  I've been with a good number of women and she is easily in the Top 3, if not number 1.  This is frustrating because now I feel like I compare every female to her, and none of them measure up.  I've slept with 3 women since breaking up with her a month ago and made out with three others out at bars/clubs.  I feel like none of these six females were even close to how it felt having sex with my uBPDxgf or even just how much I loved kissing her.  

But, I do feel like I will find another girl at some point who is *HEALTHY* and be both my lover and my best friend, as I thought this woman was over the course of our relationship.  And I believe the same for you guys.  

Yes. The sex was amazing with my exBPDgf as well. Objectively it wasn't anything special but I think it was her intensity and how much into it she was that made it feel so good. It was like being with a porn star or something. I eventually got bored of it though esp when I realised that a big part of what she was doing was an act. And time after time it became evident to me how fake the whole thing was. This helped me to disentagle myself. Sex was a huge controlling and getting stuck factor for me in the dysfunction of it all.

Anyway, what I wanted to say - and excuse me for going a bit off topic - is that I am lucky in having had a healthy rs with a woman for 5 years in my early 20s. I had to break it off as I had to move overseas (now that I think of it I could have asked her to come with me but I was too young and adventurous for that). At any rate, when we first started dating with my 'healthy' gf it was all sort of normal (which now sounds like a good thing doesnt it?), kind of pleasant but nothing crazy exciting or over the top. I remember that I was thinking of breaking up at the beginning (I guess I have a weak spot for over the top craziness :-). But for some reason I didn't, didn't have anything better to do I suppose and after 6-7 months I started having feelings for her. As the time passed the rs was getting better, the time we were spending together was longer and a lot more fun and also the sex and the intensity was getting better and better. She was getting more comfortable and intimate and so was I. Then after year 1 the sex was getting to an amazing level based on trust, true connection and intimacy. And it stayed like that for years until we broke it off. Now this is what I call a healthy rs. I am blessed to have had at least one good rs to be able to compare how that feels like and what one has to go through to build it.

[slimmiller]

I had a very vivid dream last night that made me extremely sad. It was not specifically about 'her' but reflected much of my FOO coupled with a bit of current dating frustration.

I was in a group which ended up dwindling down to four adults (of whom all were single, two guys, two girls) and as each of us began to part and go about our way, each of the guys showed their affection to the girl showing that they are an item. All the time I had been making an attempt to get to know them with the idea of dating.


It took me a bit to remember all of the details but the more I thought about it I realized how much it is my current situation.

Maybe not a big deal but I began to reflect back over the years and it made me realize that I was always chasing after what I couldnt have. Thats how I ended up with my now exBPD. Even with her I was throwing affection down an empty hole. Somehow I didnt get anything 'real' back from her and thus she was a 'safe' object to waste my affection on.

Yeah I know, deep but I always tend to go there... .

Back to the OP, sorry for the pain man. But I do honestly think something like a dream like that can be healing in the long term. It helps us to see things about ourselves we dont like to see maybe

[StayOrLeave15]

Vatz, I hear you about the pancakes. There are certain little things I would do that would make her face light up like it was the most amazing thing in the world.  But then I remember, a lot of this isn't real.  The intense happy emotions they feel toward little things come with the intense anger they experience toward us when they become dysregulated. 

Freedom, it's interesting about the healthy five year relationship in your early twenties.  I had the same - we were too young to take the next step but ended up not being enough in love to stay together.  I find myself comparing my uBPDxgf to my healthy ex.  The sex with the BPD seemed mind-blowing, but you are right - it was probably just the intensity she brought to it.  I had more experience than her, but there are certain things I hadn't done that we did together, making it that much more exciting.  However, there were certain things she wanted me to do to her that I found degrading (think how most porn videos end as well as calling her filthy things while having sex with her) and wouldn't do, which frustrated her.  My therapist says she wants to be degraded like this because of her low self-worth; i.e., she really does think of herself as a filthy whore. 

On to the dreams.  I did something stupid last night.  Right before falling asleep I looked at a picture of her. I've blocked her on all social media so can't see anything there, but decided to look on her company website.  She must have updated her picture there and my God did she look stunning.  Of course this led me to having a dream about her where we were together, happy, laughing... .I wake up feeling horrible then to add insult to injury I guess I hadn't closed the picture so it was the first thing I saw when I opened my phone this morning.   I know these behaviors of looking at her pictures and the like are bad for me but sometimes I just can't help myself... .Still am almost 3 weeks strong with NC and I plan to continue

[Vatz]

StayOrLeave15, you're right about the thing where although small things make em happy, small things will also piss them off in such a disproportionate way.

Mine used to sometimes say "I'm a whore, aren't I?" Even after she cheated I didn't really much like sticking a label on her. I just said "You made a mistake, I'm still hurting over it, but I wouldn't call you a whore." Was that really how she saw herself? I guess it makes sense. One moment she's "I don't sleep with someone I'm not dating" then she's "I'm a whore." Either one bothered me. One was a lie, the other was... .just upsetting to hear.

With my ex, the sex was mostly good, sometimes great, sometimes not so much. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was me. I think one thing I may have liked was that sometimes she was very sweet, very loving. But for a long time I really just wasn't getting as much of that sort of contact from her as I wanted, no where near it. It's funny but my most recent encounter was probably one of the most intense. It was with someone I didn't know and had only met that night. I talked about it before and I think I may have alienated a few readers with how I described it though .

What that whole "party scene" had me thinking recently was ":)amn, if only I had brought HER with me." Sometimes I think it would have been incredible, crazy and wild. But the truth is, I didn't have much trust in her anymore. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself at all.

As for the picture, I think it's pretty common to look at old photos. It's sentimental, and I can get why you did it. Days after I got her out, I deleted what I thought was everything. Only maybe two or three weeks ago I found three pictures on my computer that got transferred from my phone. It was her and my dog. She smiled in one of them and I looked at it for a good long while, then deleted it along with the others.

I felt that I needed to take one last look because I don't plan on ever seeing her again. It's all gone. There's a tinge of regret that I now have nothing. No pictures of us. It's like the last four years didn't even happen. For what it's worth, it's all a blur. The abuse, the cheating, the craziness. And the anger I have is not just because she did those things to me. But because I became resentful and insecure. It was a blur of resentment, love, need, hurt and longing. There I was, seething with anger at her. Talking about her to other people (my T and the boards, rarely anyone else,) talking about how angry I was at her. I hated myself for feeling that way because this is someone I loved. This was someone who was on my team and I held on to so much resentment for them. I don't know if I've forgiven myself for my failings in the relationship. She wasn't perfect, but I was far from it as well.

Damn, long post. Thanks for reading and the input so far, guys.

[StayOrLeave15]

This was someone who was on my team and I held on to so much resentment for them. I don't know if I've forgiven myself for my failings in the relationship. She wasn't perfect, but I was far from it as well.

It's so hard when you care about someone so much yet they make you feel so horrible.  That's what we called each other: a team.  Yet she would destroy me in so many ways.  I would feel so depressed and then who would I turn to? Her. 

I really think being in a relationship with a pwBPD is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.  They are your punisher yet you feel so loyal and connected with them that you turn to them to help with the pain - the pain that they inflict.  It is a sick and painful catch-22. 

Another no-win is the degrading comments.  If you call them a whore like they want, you don't feel good about yourself.  If you do call them a whore, you just called your girlfriend a whore, which can be easily turned around on you.  Simply unhealthy all around.