Lack of empathy... it's true

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I thought I understood the lack of empathy with BPDs, but I think I finally understand its true meaning. Case in point, yesterday I found some pics of my bf with other women on his laptop.  Sadly I've learned to numb myself to these kind of discoveries, but seeing when he spent time with these other women was an eye opener.  My mom passed away 5 1/2 months ago and only 3 weeks after my mom passed (when I was still DEEP in grieving), my bf was out with another woman having a grande ol' time.  I remember that night he wanted to go out.  I wanted him to stay home with me because I was feeling so down at the time, but he got upset that I expected him to stay home and be miserable with me (this is NOT something I would ever ask of him, but um hello, I just lost my mom!). I figured one night of going out could be put on the back burner, but of course not.  It really made me realize that he truly doesn't care about my pain (or happiness for that matter!) because losing my mom was THE most devastating time of my life... .yet, he gave no thought to me or my feelings... .it was all about him and his needs.  HE needed to go out that night and feel good about himself - unfortunately he can only feel good with other women.  Of course at the time, he somehow twisted it around to make it seem like it was my fault.  It was a waste of time confronting him about it - because of course it STILL is my fault.  I mean if I was never so stupid look in his computer then I'd never see them, right?  Ugh, I digress.  It ended up as usual - he screamed, threw a tantrum, topic got dropped.  I need to talk with action and not words... .words don't work and the only way he'll "hear" me is if I do something.  Why do I feel so sorry?  Maybe because he is such poor excuse for a human being that I think I can humanize him in some way.  I'm grasping I guess... .I don't know why I can't let go. Because I want to.  I don't deserve this and I cant' help but think my mom sees what's going on now and how disappointed she must be to watch me accept this kind of treatment.   

[grayarea]

I thought I understood the lack of empathy with BPDs, but I think I finally understand its true meaning. Case in point, yesterday I found some pics of my bf with other women on his laptop.  Sadly I've learned to numb myself to these kind of discoveries, but seeing when he spent time with these other women was an eye opener.  My mom passed away 5 1/2 months ago and only 3 weeks after my mom passed (when I was still DEEP in grieving), my bf was out with another woman having a grande ol' time.  I remember that night he wanted to go out.  I wanted him to stay home with me because I was feeling so down at the time, but he got upset that I expected him to stay home and be miserable with me (this is NOT something I would ever ask of him, but um hello, I just lost my mom!). I figured one night of going out could be put on the back burner, but of course not.  It really made me realize that he truly doesn't care about my pain (or happiness for that matter!) because losing my mom was THE most devastating time of my life... .yet, he gave no thought to me or my feelings... .it was all about him and his needs.  HE needed to go out that night and feel good about himself - unfortunately he can only feel good with other women.  Of course at the time, he somehow twisted it around to make it seem like it was my fault.  It was a waste of time confronting him about it - because of course it STILL is my fault.  I mean if I was never so stupid look in his computer then I'd never see them, right?  Ugh, I digress.  It ended up as usual - he screamed, threw a tantrum, topic got dropped.  I need to talk with action and not words... .words don't work and the only way he'll "hear" me is if I do something.  Why do I feel so sorry?  Maybe because he is such poor excuse for a human being that I think I can humanize him in some way.  I'm grasping I guess... .I don't know why I can't let go. Because I want to.  I don't deserve this and I cant' help but think my mom sees what's going on now and how disappointed she must be to watch me accept this kind of treatment.   

[Samuel S.]

First and foremost, I am so very sorry for your loss! You definitely need and deserve care, attention, support, and love--all of which he is unable to provide due to his lack of empathy. If he has lost anyone in his life, I am sure the world must have revolved around him as a typical BPD unfortunately. To make matters worse for you, he is being untrustworthy in his actions. He seems like a kid who is immature and only concerned with himself. If he really had any feelings for you, you would be his top priority.

If you have not considered it already, I suggest you seek support, if it is a comforting friend, a counselor, a Hospice grief support group, or Compassionate Friends in your area. Your SO obviously has other priorities, frankly hurtful priorities.

May you find peace and comfort in any form of help you find! As for your SO, he is heartless to the max!

[plumlee]

My BPD wife is a professional massage therapist. She gives some of her friends massages for up to 2 hours sometimes as trade or free. I knew that coming in and figured she would give me one some day. (Yes I really expected it to be heaven)

After we split up, I realized that in the six months we knew each other, she never gave me one, even when she knew I was sore from work.

I am not a professional but gave her foot massages and back rubs quite a few times.

Just seems odd looking back.

[grayarea]

Samuel S. - Thank you for your condolences.  It is much appreciated.  I knew I couldn't rely on my bf for much of the support so I usually rely on my friends as I sort through this grieving process, but yet, I expected something from him given the circumstances even though I should know better by now.  It amazes me how I can still be blown away by his actions... .I think how low can he go or I I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't go that low, but he does over and over again!  I guess I couldn't imagine doing such a thing to him.  If he lost a parent, I'd be there as much as I could trying to be the best comfort and support I can be, but that's me, not him.  BIG difference. I couldn't imagine being out partying with another man soon after he lost a parent.

plumlee - Ah yes I totally know what you mean!  My bf is the greatest advice giver, listener, supporter with everyone else EXCEPT for me.  You don't know how many times I've had an issue with him being the shoulder to cry on for other women - he pretends to kind, caring, compassionate. Yet, when I had the most traumatic thing happen to me, that considerate and caring person is nowhere to be found! 

[workinprogress]

Greyarea, I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's sad how they respond to us when we need them.

Your situation immediately made me think of my grandmother's passing.  I was never close to her.  My relationship with my parents was very strained.  My grandma never said much, and I never spent much time with her.  When she died I felt a bit regretful about not spending more time with her.  I said this to my wife, and she responded by yelling at me.  I don't even remember what she said.  I just remember her yelling at me.

As for massages, I've never gotten one massage from my wife.

One other item.  My wife always buys me good gifts for my birthday or whatever.  I never really cared about the gifts.  I told her one year that all I wanted was a card that said something nice in it.  She bought me a bunch of nice gifts again but not card.  I remember my heart sinking a bit when I realized that I was at the bottom of the gift bag and I didn't get the caring thoughtful thing that I really wanted.

[Dms2015]

I am sorry for your loss grayarea.  I lost both of my parents in the last ten years.  Your BF sounds like my husband.  He thinks about himself and doesn't show an ounce of sympathy for me.  When I finally got him to go to marriage counseling he told the counselor that I was a bad wife who went on vacations without him.  That got me confused because I have never went on vacation without him.  When he gave the time and place I realized he was talking about my trip to my mother's funeral.  He was telling the marriage counselor that I was out having a grand ole time at my mother's funeral.  I broke down and cried.  How can somebody be that cold?

Zero empathy.  It is heart breaking.

I am going back to counseling this week.  He said he doesn't want to go, but I am going.  I second Samual S.'s suggestion that you seek out help from a counselor.  I think dealing with a person with no empathy is the most heartbreaking thing a person can do.  My husband is an alcoholic, but I can deal with that... .because I have empathy.  :'(

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I lost my parents a little over a year apart.  To this day my uBPDw will bring up that I didn't "back" her when she decided to approach my ex-wife.  They began arguing and I went and calmed things down.  "Backing" her means I didn't gang up on my ex (we were still in the church after the funeral for gosh sake!)

[Traumatized]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.  I lost my mother 3 months ago and can relate to the pain you are going through.  It's so hard!

Two days before Christmas my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I had just gotten back together with my BPD "friend" after a nasty breakup a few months previously.  I took her out to dinner, gave her some nice gift cards that I couldn't afford and a heartfelt card telling her how much I loved and appreciated her.  She was deeply moved.  Eventually I broke the news to her that my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Her first response was to angrily say, "You better not be lying!"  I was offended that she would even suggest such a thing.

We went out and had some drinks.  She promised me I could stay the night so I wouldn't have to drive home under the influence.  When we got back to her place at 3 A.M. we had ice cream cake.  All was well, then suddenly out of the blue she flew into a rage and told me it was too early for me to stay over and I needed to get out!  I could not believe it!  After assuring me two different times I could stay the night AND on the same night my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she was that brutally cold to me.  As I was walking out the door I told her to f**k off!  I was proud of myself for doing so and wanted to establish that I would take no b.s. from her.  It was too cold to sleep in my car and my car would have been ticketed if I left it there, so against my better judgement I drove home.  Oh, and by the way, you're welcome for the dinner and the nice presents I gave you!

That was the starting point of her lack of empathy towards me in the process and aftermath of me losing my mother.  I could go on and on and on about all the horrible things she did to me and all the times she wasn't there for me when I needed her to be.  Even on the night my mother died she told me she was busy and might not be able to be there for me.  Gee, thanks!

[hurting300]

You are correct borderlines don't feel empathy at all, they can't. You see, borderlines are stuck in something called arrested development. They are basically little kids stuck in an adult body. Does a 3 year feel empathy? No... .When a BPD person thinks you hurt them you'll know it!