My BPDw's priorities are messed up

[Samuel S.]

Some background is in order. I was in the hospital for bleeding several years ago. One day, my BPDw entered into my hospital room and said that I should not be in the hospital due to probably costing us a fortune. BTW, I have 3 health insurance policies. I was so emotionally upset and taken aback by her statement that I couldn't look her in the eyes afterward. When she left and when my nurse came in later on, I cried and told her what happened. I then talked to a social worker the next day who said that my BPDw's lack of empathy was horrible.

Just now, my BPDw got a text from a classmate whom she knows for a little bit over a year, and she feels close to this woman. This woman has just now been admitted into the hospital for heart and chest pain. My BPDw shared the texts with me, and I validated her feelings of empathy for this woman. It was only after she left the room, that I recalled my history in the hospital and how she treated me. So, I am naturally upset, but my BPDw is too focused on this woman to even realize what she had done previously with me.

And you wonder why I and probably many of us fantasize about other relationships that are worthy and authentic of our attention!

I sure hope my BPDw's friend is okay, no matter what. It is not about my BPDw or me. It is about this woman. I just wish my BPDw would have shown the same type of empathy for me instead of making my health a matter of finances instead of my life.

[londonD]

I was in hospital for two days in November 2013, I had a three inch piece of glass imbedded in my foot. The glass was stuck and they had to operate, putting me to sleep after trying to pull it twice while I was awake.

My BPD ex finance didn't come to see me in hospital, for two days, didn't bring my son to see me. Then when I was allowed to go home, she made me take a taxi on crutches, she also asked me to pick up milk on the way home!

Yet if she has a head ache, or any other of her made up ailments, she expects me to wait on her hand and foot

[bruceli]

Do you feel that this empathy for her friend was genuine?  I ask this because this brings to mind an observation I made while watching TV with my PD mom.  A commercial for the ASPCA came on one day and my mom became beside herself with grief "due to all the pain and suffering these animals must be going through."  When asked why she doesn't volunteer at the local shelter or donate some money... .You would have thought that I had just asked her to donate her last kidney to Jeffery Dahmer.  " Not my problem." Direct quote.

[empathic]

This happens for me too, all the time. When my wife is sick, I do my best to make her feel better. Take on more responsibilities, get her things etc etc. When I was sick this past Christmas, she made fun of me while in bed running a high fever. She didn't include me when having dinner. She did nothing for me! It's so common now that it feels like she's gotten used to me not reacting to it, and it would be a big deal if I even brought up the subject.

It feels rather unfair, because she can be really caring about friends and acquaintances on her side. When one of her childhood friends came to visit for an overnight stay my wife had bought a book for her and put it on the bed as a nice surprise. Contrast this with when our wedding anniversary came up earlier this year. My wife mentioned it the week before, so I thought I'd better get her some nice things. I got her a book, some chocolate and a bottle of sparkling wine for that day. What did I get? You guessed it - nothing. I was totally surprised. She told me that she would buy something for me "later". I still haven't gotten anything, so I guess she forgot about it.

[mywifecrazy]

I was in hospital for two days in November 2013, I had a three inch piece of glass imbedded in my foot. The glass was stuck and they had to operate, putting me to sleep after trying to pull it twice while I was awake.

My BPD ex finance didn't come to see me in hospital, for two days, didn't bring my son to see me. Then when I was allowed to go home, she made me take a taxi on crutches, she also asked me to pick up milk on the way home!

Yet if she has a head ache, or any other of her made up ailments, she expects me to wait on her hand and foot

My God... .My God! You just described my 18yr marriage to my uBPDxw.

Whenever I was sick.I WAS ON MY OWN! but I was always there for her taking good care of her (like Mom taught me  )whenever she was sick for real or one of her made up BPD, I need to feel wanted so I'm going to fake an ailment. I didn't know until after the breakup that she would fake migraines (a lot) and there were a couple of Hospital stays where the Dr's couldn't find anything wrong with her. Now looking back it makes. Me wonder!

Hey London I remember laying in bed after having back surgery and having to get up to make myself something to eat for days. Oh she would come in the room and ask me what she could do but she could never just DO IT on her own. I really don't think she has it in her. It's the disorder, if it's not gratifying to herself it's off her radar.

MWC... .

[Samuel S.]

Whether we wish to label a BPD a disease or not, what our BPDs do with being so insensitive and so selfish is inexcusable, whether we are sick, in the hospital, or in need of something. We nonBPDs have to become reliant on ourselves or others, because they refuse to help! Yeah, and if they need help or if they wish to be listened to, we need to give our undivided attention. UGH!

[londonD]

I was in hospital for two days in November 2013, I had a three inch piece of glass imbedded in my foot. The glass was stuck and they had to operate, putting me to sleep after trying to pull it twice while I was awake.

My BPD ex finance didn't come to see me in hospital, for two days, didn't bring my son to see me. Then when I was allowed to go home, she made me take a taxi on crutches, she also asked me to pick up milk on the way home!

Yet if she has a head ache, or any other of her made up ailments, she expects me to wait on her hand and foot

My God... .My God! You just described my 18yr marriage to my uBPDxw.

Whenever I was sick.I WAS ON MY OWN! but I was always there for her taking good care of her (like Mom taught me  )whenever she was sick for real or one of her made up BPD, I need to feel wanted so I'm going to fake an ailment. I didn't know until after the breakup that she would fake migraines (a lot) and there were a couple of Hospital stays where the Dr's couldn't find anything wrong with her. Now looking back it makes. Me wonder!

Hey London I remember laying in bed after having back surgery and having to get up to make myself something to eat for days. Oh she would come in the room and ask me what she could do but she could never just DO IT on her own. I really don't think she has it in her. It's the disorder, if it's not gratifying to herself it's off her radar.

MWC... .

My ex gets "migraines". She was also told by a doctor she'd need IVF and told me she was on the pill. Low and behold 5 months into the relationship she was pregnant with my baby!

The talk a load of BS

[empathic]

Whether we wish to label a BPD a disease or not, what our BPDs do with being so insensitive and so selfish is inexcusable, whether we are sick, in the hospital, or in need of something. We nonBPDs have to become reliant on ourselves or others, because they refuse to help! Yeah, and if they need help or if they wish to be listened to, we need to give our undivided attention. UGH!

You're absolutely right about that. It feels very lonely. I got into a relationship to be able to talk freely about things and share stuff. I've become more and more reliant on myself and tell my wife less and less things. It's gotten so far that it does not feel like a relationship anymore.

[Boss302]

Samuel, have you figured out that it's ALL about her, no matter what? There IS no "you" in this relationship at this point. And that means that what you have isn't a relationship at all.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but all of us who have suffered with a BPD spouse have been there. The only question is how much of this BS you can take before you're in a place where change is the only option. Whether that change is in her behavior, or in the status or your relationship is an unknown.

But you have to validate your own worth, and remind yourself that you're worthy of being loved, and cared for when you need it. That's basic to any relationship. If you're not getting that, then you have some hard choices to make at some point.

[Boss302]

Whether we wish to label a BPD a disease or not, what our BPDs do with being so insensitive and so selfish is inexcusable, whether we are sick, in the hospital, or in need of something. We nonBPDs have to become reliant on ourselves or others, because they refuse to help! Yeah, and if they need help or if they wish to be listened to, we need to give our undivided attention. UGH!

You're absolutely right about that. It feels very lonely. I got into a relationship to be able to talk freely about things and share stuff. I've become more and more reliant on myself and tell my wife less and less things. It's gotten so far that it does not feel like a relationship anymore.

And it isn't a relationship... .any more than you'd have a relationship with a leech that's stuck to your back. Sad but true.

[Samuel S.]

Boss302, I appreciate your honesty.

Yeah, you're right that extending oneself outside of any relationship is like being attacked by a leech. My friend is nice, but I once saw her dark side when she had a bad day, came to join us for dinner, and did not even recognize me. Then, she apologized. She probably is BPD, but like any BPD, she masks it nicely. So, hey, all of us can remember how we fell for the mask, only to be betrayed. So, bottom line, I am not going to fall for my friend's ways. Like you folks have said, it is not fair to my BPDw or to myself.

As for the next step with my BPDw, that is a good question. People say that when no decision is made, that really is a decision, and this is so true here.

BTW, my BPDw lost her D7 about 15 years ago to the West Nile Virus, and it was extremely tragic! It would also be extremely tragic if I were to pass away (I am almost 70 and basically healthy), and she would experience grief, maybe finally beating her head against the wall for not making a relationship with me. I wish she were to come around now. I have done my best. She talks TO me, but rarely talks WITH me and listening.

You might ask why I have stayed here. I am hopeful that she will change her ways. In the meantime, I extend myself professionally to others a lot and have fun. Otherwise, I feel isolated in a relationship in which she devotes time to her studies in every waking moment that she is not working or preparing lunches and dinners. BTW, she told me this is the only way she wishes to express her love.

[enlighten me]

The empathy for others but not for us is really annoying.

I had a minor knee op and was in hospital overnight. My uBPDexw came to pick me up. When I got to the car on crutches she asked if I could drive as she was feeling tired. It got no better when we got home. I was told to stay off of my feet for 24 hours. I was lying on the sofa and decided to get a drink. As I started getting up the ex wife looked up from her facebook and asked what I was doing. I said getting a drink and her reply was can you make me a cup of tea. At the time I was amazed. I had spent 3 years of doing everything for her as she was supposed to have had ME and she couldn't even make me a cup of coffee.

When I pulled her up on her lack of empathy she shrugged her shoulders and said "Im not very good at sympathy"

I later found out her devotion to facebook was because of an ex boyfriend which she had a fling with just before dumping me.