DD RTC - Continued

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry. That must be so tough for you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone. We had court today. The charges of aggrevated assault was dropped but the running off was a offense in the third degree with a maximun sentenance of two years in juvi. In lieu of that she was oredered to go to the new RTC. So Monday she will be transferred to the new facility. It is a lock down facility that is much more structured and actually makes it easier for the kids to be succesful by providing more opportunities to earn privildges. We shall see how it goes. But considering the events of.last night, she has a long way to go. When asked why she left she said she couldnt help it. Said she cannot control herself and that she needs meds.

[Panda39]

Hi raytamtay3,

I've been following your daughter's story (yes I've been lurking  ) and just wanted to let you know you are supported.

I don't have BPD but was an incredibly rebellious teenager... .sex, drugs, cutting class (for more than a year!), older boyfriend, running away... .So in some ways I see myself in your daughter.

Through her story I also see what I put my parents through for the three years (13-16) that I ran amuck.  My parents almost gave up on me... .what finally turned me around was them threatening to put me in Foster Care. (What? they didn't want me?... .me the charming screwed up teenager that was their daughter? ) It took some time to repair the trust and it took "Continuation School" to get back in the swing of things with my education but I did get back on track.  If not for the love of my parents and them keeping the pressure on me who knows where I'd be now.

I want you to know no matter what happens that I know and your daughter knows, that you have been doing your absolute best for her 

I really hope for your daughter and your family that this new facility will really make a difference and help your daughter be the best she can be.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks Panda; that means a lot.  

I found a letter she wrote to me in her room last night. She appologized for leaving citing that she has been having so much anxiety at the RTC she's at and just needed a break. Said that she is sorry she is such a screw up and that she doesn't think she will ever be able to change. It felt good to see that she recognizes her struggles and appologized somewhat. We talked on the drive back to the RTC and she said how she cannot help herself. That she will never be able to get herself under control and therefore will never be able to come home. I told her that as time goes by and she matures some and hopefully gets on the right meds, I truly believe she can and will be able to come back home and be succesful. So heartbreaking. :'(

PS: The new facility just incorporated DBT. It's in the beginning stages however.

[raytamtay3]

Oh and I wanted to add that my DH and I had a conversation Tuesday night, after my DD took off. I had told him I had even been considering having her do partial care and he told me he would have asked for a divorce if I had... .went on to say he can not see having to deal with this crap for the next three years with her home (until she is 18). I told him I don't blame him. But man did that sting. So God only knows if we will be still married in the next three years.

He told me it wasn't a good idea for her to have the home pass and it got heated with me walking off saying it's done so... .(didn't handle it well). He knew she would take off. I went in to mommy bear mode and told her we had to at least test it out. And once again he was right... .but damn.

[raytamtay3]

I’m really down today. I really feel so bad for my daughter and her struggles. It’s so depressing to see such a beautiful, loving, intelligent little girl so lost. I still cannot wrap my head around the whys. I know it’s some sort of mental illness. Not quite sure it is even BPD. Never really have gotten true diagnoses which is frustrating in and of itself. But to hear her say she will never change; that she can’t, is so heartbreaking. It killed me to see all of her friends starting high school. I envy their parents for having “normal” kids. I want my daughter to have a “normal” life. Not be locked away. But I know I cannot control her at home. That no matter what I tried failed. And I feel like a failure because of it. I feel like I let her down. And even though I’m doing this all to try and protect her, I do feel like I’m wasting her life some times. I’m in a constant state of not knowing what the right and wrong thing is to do. Indecisive and completely lost myself.  Thanks for reading. Just had to vent my feelings.

My DD says to me that life must be so much better for me and I must be having the time of my life with her away. I told her she has no idea how untrue that is... .

[lever.]

I have been following your story too ramtamtay.

At least she has shown you( without too much harm being done) that she cannot be at home at the moment. She is far too impulsive.

It is good to hear that she is going to a different facility where DBT is offered. There were always doubts about the place where she has been.

Hold on to hope-some of us do have experience of things improving significantly as our children mature.

It is horrible to be caught in the middle between your BPD child and your husband. No need to argue with him just now-there is the possibility that he may change his stance if he sees improvement in your daughter's ability to regulate her mood and impulses.

I wouldn't push anything at him until things have cooled a lot but will he read anything about BPD. You have time-chip away with tiny little steps.

You are not failing-you are trying to protect a child with a mental health issue.

Looking forward to hearing how things go in the new facility. I hope it provides what she needs -and perhaps some family work-both her father and your present husband would benefit.

Also I love the way you expressed your faith in her-keep reminding her that it will be hard work but that you are confident that she can make progress.

[SeaSprite]

 

I understand the feelings you are having! It is so hard to see them hurting, and missing out on a normal teenage life. My d16 wrote similar things in her journal, that I'd be sorry I'd pushed her away when she was off living with her bf and I'd be so happy without her, knowing it was my fault she'd left. It's like she knew how hard it was for me to have her around, but at the same time wanted to punish me for whatever it was i wasn't doing to help her.

I hope you and dh are able to get through this. I hope he is just frustrated and feeling helpless, and that his comments were an exaggeration. It must have been so hurtful to hear what he said.

I don't think there is a way to know the right thing to do when your child is in this position, i think there is only what seems to be the best choice at the time, with the information you have available. And it sounds like right now, your dd isn't giving herself or anyone else any other options. She has closed all the doors. Maybe she will learn to start opening new doors, and make a new, better life. You are doing everything you can to give her that chance.

It's not your fault she has so much trouble coping with life, and you are doing your best to help her.

I hope that even though you miss her, the time away will be good for all of you, so that you can recharge, your dh can calm down, and your d can begin to heal and grow.

 

[jellibeans]

Ray

I think we all go through these times when we doubt ourselves... .when we feel helpless. I think that comes from wanting to fix everything and help but there are somethings we can not do for our children... .they have to learn it themselves and it is painful to watch.

I hope she does better at the new RTC... .it can't hurt and I do think the place she has been at has really not been a good fit.

Why do you think your dd wrote the letter? My dd has done this kind of letter but in is usually in the form of a suicide note... .that is when she takes responsibilty for her actions etc... .I hope they are keeping a good eye on yur dd. In the past my dd would rather hurt herself than follow rules. The ODD can be really strong.

I hope your day improves... .when I am feeling down I try to remind myself that this is only a small part of her life... .things will get better and if you can put in that kind of perspective it opens the door to your imagination... .I like to picture my dd married or having a great job... .just living independently. It is important to have dreams and have hope.

[raytamtay3]

Thank you everyone. I thank God every day I stumbled upon this forum. 

[HealingSpirit]

I’m really down today. I really feel so bad for my daughter and her struggles. It’s so depressing to see such a beautiful, loving, intelligent little girl so lost. I still cannot wrap my head around the whys. I know it’s some sort of mental illness. Not quite sure it is even BPD. Never really have gotten true diagnoses which is frustrating in and of itself. But to hear her say she will never change; that she can’t, is so heartbreaking.

Oh Ray! I swear there must be a planet in retrograde or something for so many of us here to be down today. I already sent you my response once today and it went to the Virtual World because it isn't here. Ugh!

I just finished reading Dr. Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD and Adolescents. He cited a lot of research that shows that BPD could and should be dx in the early teen years so they can receive DBT therapy, which is more effective than anything else for BPD. It is such a shame that the majority of the mental health community are still so reluctant to DX teens under 18! Hopefully that will change in our lifetime.

In the meantime, at least your DD has a chance to be kept safe at a better fitting facility. Hang in there!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Hi Raytamtay Ive been reading your posts and I must say my heart is well and truly breaking for you and your daughter. One thing that always pops out at me is how young your daughter is. It is both a blessing and a curse, for she is so young there is so much time for her to turn her life around. Then again, she is displaying these behaviours far beyond her years too. My DD15 sounds quite similar to yours, only mine seems to reach her peak and then it simmers down again for longer stretches at a time. This time last year there was talk of sending her to a RTC but it never happened. I think the fear of going was enough to make her control herself (better at least).

If your DD hasnt tried DBT therapy yet then that might just be the trick. My DD did it as an outpatient over 12 weeks and it did help. After she completed it we had a period of about 9 months, with no self harm, and no violent outbursts  We did still have issues at school and the mood swings continued but not on such a scale. Please hold on and never loose hope. We can accept disappointment but we must never loose hope.

You are doing a great job. You love your daughter, thats plain to see. She is going on monday to the best place she can be right now. Take this time to reconnect with yourself and your DH. I have every faith in the professionals, despite my previous doubts.

Sending positive vibes your way 

[raytamtay3]

phew! I just had a scare.  The new RTC just called saying how they just reviewed DD's chart again and saw that she had a incident in 2011 whereby she and a friend lit leaves on fire and how we had an arson risk evaluation done on her at the time. I remember our previous CMO sayin how many RTC refuse kids with a fire setting history. Thankfully there were satisfied when I said there have been no further incidences since than and our just requesting a letter from the current RTC stating there haven't been any there. I was literally holding my breath! Phew.

I feel at peace today for some reason. Today is a good day - so far.

[raytamtay3]

I just spoke to the IEP coordinator over at the school my DD attends currently and told her that DD will be transferring to another RTC. She asked the name of the place and I told her and she said she's heard good things about the place! Cool! Have any of you heard of East Mountain Youth Lodge in Belle Meade, NJ?

[Rapt Reader]

I've never heard of that RTC, raytamtay3, but that is a great sign that you got a good recommendation from her IEP coordinator 

I hope that things are looking up for her, and your whole family... .

[raytamtay3]

This transfer cannot come soon enough! Just received a call from the present RTC that DD has been taking off in the woods for the past three nights; returning at 3 am! I fear she's going to get pregnant before we transfer her! This is ridiculous! And we just fricken' had court whereby she was charged for taking off in the woods, which was a 3rd degree offense. Yet she continues to do so! And this last time she was picked up by DHS which may mean she gets charged again! I am so frusterated!

[SeaSprite]

So frustrating! 

Thinking back to my own self-destructive teenaged behavior, as well as what I've seen in my D and read about BPD, it seems like it all comes from a place of feeling hopeless, helpless, and powerless. Sort of an attempt to prove to self and world that "I'm not afraid". And no real belief that anything will get better.

I hope the new place is able to offer help, so that she can face her own anxieties and learn some impulse control.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks SeaSpright. Her father told me that she told him she is going to have her fun before she goes to the new place that is lock down... .She has no concept or could careless that the judge could order her to Juvi if she is charged again. Nor does she care that I have to keep missing work to take her to court.

[HealingSpirit]

Her father told me that she told him she is going to have her fun before she goes to the new place that is lock down... .She has no concept or could careless that the judge could order her to Juvi if she is charged again. Nor does she care that I have to keep missing work to take her to court.

Oh Ray,

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that her recent rebelliousness is a "last hurrah" before she buckles down and gets to working on her future at the new RTC. I feel frustrated with you at how her behavior affects YOU with consequences if lost work, etc.

Hang in there! 

[theplotthickens]

That is ridiculous... .why don't they have an alarm, and why is she allowed to leave without someone going after her and calling the authorities.  This is endangering, IMO.

[raytamtay3]

That is ridiculous... .why don't they have an alarm, and why is she allowed to leave without someone going after her and calling the authorities.  This is endangering, IMO.

Good question! Something I've been asking and get the response that they do not go after them if they go into the woods. It's a disgrace. I will be wrighting negative reviews on the net to warn other parents/caregivers.

She called me this morning on the way to work from school. Mind you she isn't allowed to use the phone there, but somehow manages to get to it too. She told me she didn't run in the woods and was just "out of area", so they don't press charges for that. So now the question is, if she isn't in the woods then yes, how the h*ll is she able to even be "out of area"?

Anyway, looks like tomorrow will be the transfer. Thank God. DD said she doesn't want to leave this RTC (gee - wonder why?) because they revamped things now and make it easier for the kids to make status. Unbelievable.  I said well that is no longer and option.  I cannot wait to get her out of there. Unreal... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

So DD was transferred to the new facility two weeks ago. So far it is a much much much better place.  They hold the residents accountable for their actions by making them complete a packet explaining what happened to cause a negative behavior to occur, what they could have done to avoid it and in the future, what could they do differently as well as how would they handle a similar situation if it occurred at their job.  They get to recoup, if you will, there negative points every day whereas at the other facility, if you messed up, you suffered the consequences for the entire week.  They do weekly trips. Unfortunately DD’s true colors came out in the very beginning. Or as her therapist says “With T there was no honeymoon period”.  So she has lost points for things such as getting caught smoking, having to be restrained, getting suspended from school for hitting a boy in a playful manner, and getting written up 14 times for other school related incidences.  But there has been no fighting at this place whatsoever. She has more freedom to make phone calls too.  I’m impressed so far with how they handle things there.  DD tells me she will never get out because she cannot control herself. The medication is not working either. Hopefully as time goes by she will realize that it’s just not worth misbehaving and strive to make positive changes.

[jellibeans]

That is great news Ray... .I hope this place will be the the beginning of change for your dd. 

[lever.]

Yaay! Great news Raytamtay 

I really hope they can give the help she needs and that she can accept it.

It sounds like a big improvement on the other place   

[Rapt Reader]

This thread has reached its post limit, and needs to be closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are encouraged to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for understanding... .