And this is how he tries to keep me...

[DreamFlyer99]

I've been out of the house on a time out for 6 months now. That sent my uBPDh to counseling, and his counselor sent him to Anger Management class. Now my h tells me he has learned how to better manipulate his boss by the tools he learned in the class. I'm thinking, "really? you want me to know you can manipulate everyone better, including me?"

So then we have a chat. i have been staying with my daughter and her h, and my h showed up there unannounced. We talk, i mention i'd like to have my own place. i'm not 100% decided one way or the other, i just know while he treats me like he does i can't live with him. He doesn't like it when i am done listening to him and show him the visit is over. He's not a fan of boundaries.

Two days later he is the Mr Vulnerable who calls to share what he has learned about himself in the time since we talked, and shared how he challenged something he got angry about on the day of our chat. i say thank you. That's pretty much it, just thank you. So he texts later asking in a roundabout way if he did okay explaining. i didn't answer right away so he moves to his taunting and goading self: "NOW who's angry?" I wasn't angry, i just didn't jump to answer him.

couple days after that he sends me an email with an article attached about depression and asks me to read it since he saw some things about himself in it. He also informs me that i am angry, hurt and resentful, and i must not hold onto these things. i respond that i understand depression having dealt with it my whole life, and i am not the kind of person to hold onto anger, hurt or resentment since my goal will always be healing.

It used to be curious to me, and down-right aggravating, that he seemed to have no clue who i am as a person since we will be married 38 years next week. I'm not as surprised these days, but it still bugs me. I realize that he is doing what he usually does to me: showing me that he is in the One-Up position because he is now the Master of Mental Health, having been in counseling for 6 months and having taken an Anger Management class. I've been in therapy for 13 years now thanks to Poo FOO stuff and my h, but He Knows Better.

He ups the ante, i guess because he didn't get the response he wanted, and sends me a deluge of words email. In it he explains The Story of Dreamflyer, and how my early childhood trauma HAS CAUSED HIM TO ACT THE WAY HE HAS TOWARD ME, which has been pretty mean, invalidating, and hurtful.

Can't wait to see how he "woos" me next.

[Dms2015]

Don't you love it when they take the stuff they learn in therapy and don't use it to help themselves but to psychoanalyze you?  My husband in in rehab because of his second DUI.  He is all excited because he just realized I am a dry drunk.  That is news to me.  He said, "It is true that you quit cold turkey over six years ago, but your irritability and moodiness shows you were never in recovery.  You are classified as a dry drunk."

I almost laughed. "No, my moodiness and irritability stems from you drinking and lying about it and your abusive behavior towards me and the kids."   

[vortex of confusion]

It is maddening to be with somebody for a long time (17 years here) and they still seem to have no clue who you are.

Your story reminds me of how my husband told me that he is afraid that I am becoming a sex addict or something.

I have a lot of FOO issues but suddenly his FOO issues trump anything that I have ever dealt with because his last counselor visit seemed to focus on his relationship with his mother. My family used to be seen as horrible people. Now his family are the horrible ones. We have had discussions where we have basically compared notes and I have gotten stuff like, "Well at least your family <fill in the blank with whatever>." As if there is some kind of competition.

Sending you a great big hug! 

[DreamFlyer99]

Thank you both! I just want to tell him "how about I work on my issues and you work on YOURS."

And competition? Absolutely! I started noticing that in the more recent years. It's interesting. I've tried to say there's not supposed to be competition in marriage, but... .