the continuing saga of delay attempts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My atty called today. It seems xBPDw finally retained counsel yesterday. I filed last July (2013) for a custody modification, went through a custody eval, her atty withdrew in February 2014, had a hearing date set months ago for two weeks from now, ex sent a letter (last week) to the judge asking for a 45 day continuance because she had no atty, the judge said no, her atty is now asking for a continuance, my atty says no but called to let me know what is going on. I told him she could have her 45 day continuance if she allowed our two boys to sleep over specific nights each week until the hearing. My atty liked the idea since that is basically what I am asking for anyway. I will probably hear from atty tomorrow. I suspect ex will say no. My atty knows her atty a little and he indicated she likes to settle. The conversation between ex and her atty should be interesting.

[david]

My atty called today. It seems xBPDw finally retained counsel yesterday. I filed last July (2013) for a custody modification, went through a custody eval, her atty withdrew in February 2014, had a hearing date set months ago for two weeks from now, ex sent a letter (last week) to the judge asking for a 45 day continuance because she had no atty, the judge said no, her atty is now asking for a continuance, my atty says no but called to let me know what is going on. I told him she could have her 45 day continuance if she allowed our two boys to sleep over specific nights each week until the hearing. My atty liked the idea since that is basically what I am asking for anyway. I will probably hear from atty tomorrow. I suspect ex will say no. My atty knows her atty a little and he indicated she likes to settle. The conversation between ex and her atty should be interesting.

[ForeverDad]

Not just until the hearing, rather, until the decision or settlement.  In my court they have to issue a decision within 60 days.  Mine took about 75 days.  I know someone who is already at that point and still no decision.

You have a relatively strong case, a settlement would have to be pretty good to end it sooner.  One advantage is the boys are older and her ties to them may be less than before.

[david]

Good point on about the decision or settlement.

S15 has a difficult time dealing with his mom. She is desperately trying to change the last 5 years of her abuse towards him (head games, lying to him, etc). She recently told him she would get him a $2,000 gaming computer. Problem is, I don't think she will actually do it so that will further push him away. I talked to him about it and told him I didn't think such an expensive computer is such a good idea but that was between him and his mom. I let him know I would not do that unless there was a really good reason besides being able to play games.

My atty seems pretty confidant the case is strong too.

As the boys get older she has less "control" over them and that is when she has difficulty with them. Her wims don't go over very well with them. They like more stability, like most kids, and she can't provide that for them.

[david]

The judge refused a continuance for the second time. Looks like things are going good right now.

I believe ex sees the writing on the wall. Sent me an email that she completed the last part of our divorce (four years ago) agreement. We had a few stocks in S11's name. She was supposed to sell them and put the money in an account for S11. It took her 4 years.

I almost deleted the email because it appeared to be junk email. The sender was "Momma Bear" instead of her regular name.  Don't know what to make of that except it sounds looney.

[whirlpoollife]

When I hear of momma bear I think of Berenstain Bears... .papa bear, momma bear, brother bear, sister bear... .family, awe.   Don't let it pull the heart strings. Yea just leave it as looney. 

Glad  to read, no continuance a second time.

[Nope]

It certainly sounds like she's all out of stall tactics. You just might get a settlement right before court if she is really unprepared to go.

[david]

What my petition is asking is that the boys sleep over on Thursday. I am currently picking them up at school on Thursday and dropping them off at her place around 9:30 pm. That has been going on for about two years now. It will give me an additional 45 minutes each week to help our oldest with his school work.

We had a parent coordinator. She eliminated ROFR. Ex usually works on Tuesday and the kids are by themselves since that change. The Pa state supreme court , last year, ruled that pcs' can not change custody orders so technically her change has been rescinded. Only judges are allowed to make custody changes now. I want that made clear in court.

I have two years of evidence showing she doesn't help the kids with school work. In the custody eval she actually admitted to that in a clear and unambigous way several times.

I picked the boys up yesterday at school. I checked S11 homework friom the night before. It was the first homework assignment of this year. Ex signed it. The first two problems were incorrect ? I had him figure out which problems were incorrect and fix it. Copied before and after for the judge. Same as the last two years.

MY attys' letter to the judge for the second request for a continuance was interesting. He actually said that ex is being disingenuious about her claims. He objected because all this was doing was wasting time and money. It was pretty strongly worded. Ex will get a copy along with her atty. Looks like a pretty good boundary.

[Ishenuts]

David - I have not read all of your posts, but are your boys special needs? Which state are you in? I ask because in our school system, we are instructed NOT to help our children with homework. I have 12 yo twins. The teachers want to see mistakes to determine where the children need additional help. Their student handbook actually states "A middle school student's ability to work successfully without supervision is very important". Our teachers are available for extra help every day.They don't expect the parents to do their job.

John Rosemund actually wrote an excellent book entitled "Ending the Homework Hassle" which shows parents how to put the responsibility for homework back in the student's lap, where it belongs.

[vre]

"Mama bear" is sometimes used as slang for a very protective parent, particularly a mother. Sarah Palin refers to herself sometimes as a "mama grizzly".

[david]

S11 had an IEP in first and second grade. Mom insisted he had a learning disabilty in kindergarten. He was thoroughly tested at the earliest possible age to test at and the results were inconclusive. He was given an IEP. His teachers in first and second grade questioned the IEP. I am a school teacher myself and I agreed with his teachers. I had the school retest him at the end of second grade for a comparison of results. The tests came back much different and he was placed in the accelerated program in third grade. He flourished and continues to do so.

I don't really do his homework. I check it to make sure it is done and is correct. I also stress neatness. The majority of his mistakes are more of being in a hurry and failing to read the directions, simple arithmetic mistakes, and things similar. When that is the case I usually say there are mistakes and he has to find them. I've been doing this since second grade. His mistakes, when with me, are minimal since he knows I am checking everything. Since third grade there have been two instances I can recall where he really didn't understand a concept. I left that alone and had him go to school and ask his teacher. I then checked to see if he got it after that. He did both times and I also emailed his teacher afterwards. In fact, his teachers from the last two years gave me their personal cell number to call them. I never thought I needed to do that and never called them. I do agree with letting the school do the actual teaching of content. I view myself as teaching him discipline and doing the best he can. He still makes more mistakes when he does school work at his moms but the amount has decreased. I check it and make him find the mistakes and corrections.                                                                                               He used to hate finding the mistakes and tried negotiating with me to give him clues as to where the mistakes were. Depending on the circumstances we found a compromise. Once he was placed in the accelerated program he changed his attitude and stopped negotiating.

[livednlearned]

I think any kid who has a BPD parent has special needs.



My school district also has a policy about not helping kids with homework, especially math. They teach it so different these days anyway, it just frustrated S13 when I tried to help him.

But kids with disordered parents experience more neglect, weird types of control, and more chaos at home. Just having a routine where a caring adult coaches them to check their work makes a big difference.

I suspect that's what the judges are looking for more than the right answers.  They want to know that there's an engaged adult who recognizes the importance of instilling some kind of lifelong routine and work habits so the kids don't fall behind.

[Matt]

I think the key is to work as a team with the teachers, which can be tough because you don't see the teachers every day - it's kind of a "virtual" team.  And it depends a lot on the type of school.

My kids (S16 and D17) go to a very good school, which gives quite a bit of homework.  The teachers usually do a good job, and my kids are bright, so my job is generally about the disciplines and time-management, so they will get the homework done.  "Can we watch TV during dinner?" (which means during dinner and afterward) - "Is your homework all done?" - "Almost." - "No TV during dinner.  Get your homework done and then you can watch TV til 9:00."  Same conversation again and again - my job is to maintain structure and priorities, not to actually help with homework.

But... .if their school wasn't so good, it might be different, or if either kid was struggling with a particular class, which happens sometimes.  If a teacher's approach just isn't working for a particular child, the parent needs to see that, and step in and help somehow, either by helping with homework - which means teaching the child in a different way than what the teacher is doing - or by talking with the teacher.

My daughter had a physics teacher who wouldn't let the kids take notes during class.  He had it in his (very young and inexperienced) head that taking notes was a distraction - they needed to focus on the class discussion.  I finally sat down with him and my daughter, and heard him out, and then told him, nicely, that he was wrong - lots of kids learn better by taking notes.  I told my daughter, in front of him, to ask to go to the bathroom, and then write her notes there, so the teacher wouldn't see her doing it - kind of a joke, but not really.  He had his head up his behind.  Then I talked with the principal of the school, and let her know what was going on, and she seemed to understand.  He was not brought back the next year.

That's the help my daughter needed at that time.  She needed to know that she was not the problem, and her instincts were right.  She did OK in the class, and it didn't scar her or convince her that she "couldn't do science" - she got that this teacher had a problem, and she had to live with it for one year.

Just an example - every kid is different and every situation is different.  Helping kids with homework isn't always right or always wrong - you have to judge what each kid needs at each moment in time... .