Fool me twice..shame on me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Lately ive been struggling with the feelings of being left for the second time. I help but feel not only betrayed by her but by myself as well. I blame myself even though fully well know shes disordered. Makes me feel like im the one whos mentally unstable for having such illogical thought patterns. The second time around it feels so different. No contact feels harder. Shes still contacting me and without much effort to try to make me strung along... its like she knows ill just be here for her when she falls no matter what now since i took her back this time. Or maybe she doesnt even care since she has the replacement. Either way it is a slow burn this time one from which i will ever fully recover. A part of me is missing when shes gone after me giving her my virginity and the intimacy we shared truly bonded the spiritual beings i believe lie within this husk we call bodies. We could read each other thoughts and finish each others sentences. And i know its not all just mirroring because we are very similar inside but at the same time different. Id tell her shes the Yin to my yang. "Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year."(she loved pink floyd) Feeling this intensely interconnected bond is why i let a recycle happen. And in my mind despite all the evidence i know if she needed me id be there... i love her for her dark as well as her light and although things got bad at times id never be the one to walk away. I dont want anyone else but i just want us to both be happy... it tears me in two.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Lately ive been struggling with the feelings of being left for the second time. I help but feel not only betrayed by her but by myself as well. I blame myself even though fully well know shes disordered. Makes me feel like im the one whos mentally unstable for having such illogical thought patterns. The second time around it feels so different. No contact feels harder. Shes still contacting me and without much effort to try to make me strung along... its like she knows ill just be here for her when she falls no matter what now since i took her back this time. Or maybe she doesnt even care since she has the replacement. Either way it is a slow burn this time one from which i will ever fully recover. A part of me is missing when shes gone after me giving her my virginity and the intimacy we shared truly bonded the spiritual beings i believe lie within this husk we call bodies. We could read each other thoughts and finish each others sentences. And i know its not all just mirroring because we are very similar inside but at the same time different. Id tell her shes the Yin to my yang. "Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year."(she loved pink floyd) Feeling this intensely interconnected bond is why i let a recycle happen. And in my mind despite all the evidence i know if she needed me id be there... i love her for her dark as well as her light and although things got bad at times id never be the one to walk away. I dont want anyone else but i just want us to both be happy... it tears me in two.

[Take2]

Hey Chasing Ghosts... .don't be hard on yourself.  You took her back because you love her.  But you sound like you are considering whether or not this r/s is making you happy - is it?  From what you wrote I'm confused - are you together or no right now?  (sorry - I've not had enough sleep).

Believe me, I know that intense connection with my ex.  I allowed myself to be recycled so many times I lost count.  Many, many.  And yes, with each I knew it was myself I should be angry at.  I knew what the outcome would be and yet I chose to keep taking that path hoping for a different outcome.  Of course every situation and every person is different, so I'm not saying that's what will happen in your situation... .  But I do think you need to truly think about whether or not this r/s is making you happy.  You.  That's the key here... .  take care of you.  The rest will follow.   

[Mutt]

I blame myself even though fully well know shes disordered. Makes me feel like im the one whos mentally unstable for having such illogical thought patterns. The second time around it feels so different. No contact feels harder. Shes still contacting me and without much effort to try to make me strung along... its like she knows ill just be here for her when she falls no matter what now since i took her back this time.

Hi Chasing Ghosts,

I would like to echo Take2. Don't be hard on yourself. Fall down 7 times get up 8.