I need some clarity Please I'm in Pain

[In Pain]

Its now been 7 weeks since I went NC with my BPD now ex girlfriend. She ended

the relationship and this has been some of the hardest days of my life.

This was an 18 month relationship, with more ups and downs than I have ever

experienced in my 54 years on this earth.

I suspected she had emotional issues within 1 month of dating her and did some

Internet research to confirm my suspicions. My search gave me symptoms and

definitions of disorders that were directly  applicable to her. But it wasn't

until we broke up that I changed how I did my search. Unfortunately this was too

late.

I now did a search asking:

How to handle a partner with BPD or Abandonment issues. This was a much more

useful search. I soon came to learn that what I had been doing and saying to her

for the past 18 months was TOTALLY wrong !  Wrong wrong wrong !

As you all know, the nice things that I would say to her, which a normal girl

would love to hear, were more damaging to the relationship than I ever could

have imagined. And it is so counter intuitive to how a "normal" person thinks.

But the really amazing part of my research was reading the web sites where

others told of their experiences. The stories were identical ! Just change

the name. This blew me away more than the disorder itself, which saddens me.

It's like people with this disorder are clones !

It also gave me clarity and piece of mind that, while it takes two to tango in a

relationship, about 95% of the fights and problems in the relationship were

because of my BPD girlfriend.  The personality traits that many people have

listed in their experiences, mine had all of them to the extreme.

Please take note here:

I am not trying to disrespect or categorize all people with BPD. But my GF and

many of the posts here were identical in behavior. These extreme examples are my

focus.

After reading and understanding what my GF is suffering through, I now have

great compassion for her and others afflicted with this condition. And while I

used to call her crazy, I now know she is far from crazy. Sometimes it takes a

close personal experience for someone to learn and understand. This was my

learning experience.

BTW... .I gave her the diagnosis of BPD. I don't mean to be reckless with this

diagnosis, but it fits.

The facts of my girlfriend.

Drop dead gorgeous, what a body !,

Mid 40's, born in Eastern Europe under communist rule. Father gone by 6 months

old, loveless mother, as a child she spent her days alone locked in an apartment

while the mother worked, time spent in an orphanage, raped by age 12, married

and divorced twice, at least one episode that I know of of cutting / carving

about age 40. ( this caused her to loose custody of her 2 children ) alcohol

abuse, prescription drug abuse.

She has 7 out of 10 characteristics mentioned for BPD or Abandonment issues. The

lying, cheating, splitting, craves attention ( 20,000 friends on LinkedIn from

all over the world ) the list goes on.

I learned all this very personal information only recently.

I have several recordings of her going off on me in an hysterical rant. I

replayed them to myself the next day to confirm that I wasn't crazy !

I have to admit that what pains me most now is my compassion for her and the way

she is. I know it's not her fault and I can't fix her... .But it still saddens

me... .and if it didn't, I wouldn't be normal. I also don't have the

opportunity now to be with her and support her with what I now know.

Its so unfair for someone to have the upbringing she did. It is what it is... .

But it's sad.

Contrast this to my upbringing, parents married 55 years, stable home life, an

upper middle class privileged life... .no divorce, no drinking, no abuse in my

family. Yes, I have my issues, who doesn't, but mine are minor in comparison.

Honestly I am divided. On the one hand, I hope she doesn't contact me ever

again. It's the best thing for me. I need to get over her and move on. And I am

in fear that if she does contact me... .And I get a whiff of her, I will be

sucked back in and eventually go through the same detox I am in now.  BTW... .I

am down 22 lbs in the past two months due to stress over her. But I also admit,

given the opportunity, I would jump at the chance to hold her in my arms, kiss

her deeply and jump right back in head first !

She is a drug for me. This girl really got under my skin !

I now know the meaning of " Passion" !

I do understand my possible mistake of confusing longing, desire and obsession

with love. I also understand that there must be an unresolved psychological part

of me that allows this kind of behavior. That's my issue to deal with now.

Over the 18 months we had some big fights, but we always made up in all the ways

described by others.

In the month before we broke up she told me of the carving incident for the

first time, and she let me read a book she wrote of her childhood upbringing. I

think the book was a cathartic exercise for her. Anyway... .It was a major

hook for me to develop compassion for her... .It was also, I believe, the only

way she could communicate with me her deepest feelings and emotions. But I don't

think she was ready for me to actually digest the content of the book and begin

to really understand her issues.

This scared her... .And... .She ran away. She said she regrets giving me the

book... .But I don't believe it. It was a self fulfilling prophecy... .Show her

emotional side, I care, she gets scared, she runs away.

Maybe it was her way to show me her problems and actually make me realize what I

was dealing with and that she didn't want to cause me any more pain.

Or maybe she just doesn't give a damm about me... .And this is my ego talking

!  I like to thing she cared.

Anyway... .She is off to a new rebound victim / mark ! I think I will hear from

her in about 6 months, if at all.

Sadly, she will repeat this pattern over and over never getting the love she

craves. I was just a guy in the line. Unfortunately, a guy who really cared.

Maybe she won't contact me ever again. She now knows that I know her background

and have figured her out. Even though I am weak for her... .She now knows that I

"could" have the strength to resist her hooks, something other guys can't.  I'm

more complicated of a person than she wants, I can think.

Now I know why she identified with Marilyn Monroe so strongly. She has a poster

of Marilyn with the caption:

If you can't accept me at my worse... .You don't deserve me at my best.

This is something I was willing to do, but I didn't have the knowledge or the

tools yet.

She also has a Buddha statue at her front door. Coincidence or a symbol of the

DBT she may have tried with her therapist. Maybe I think too much ?

As you can see I have spent countless hours reading in my search to discover

what I now know. An amount of time that I wouldn't have devoted to her unless I

really cared.

Within 2 to 3 weeks after we broke up, there were two incidents that really

confused me.

We both ended up at the same local hangout. She was with friends and had a date

both times, I was alone. I never went up to her or approached her, but when she

spotted me from across the room, she bolted out the door very fast both times.

I thought " Am I so toxic " !

It made me confused and upset for several days.

I'm not a jerk, I would not have approached her, or if we did bump into each

other, I would just say hello, no more.

Friends have said she ran because she still had feelings for me. So upsetting to

say the least.

Questions:

Are my observations somewhat accurate or am I totally living in my own dream ?

Do you think she thinks about me at all... .Or am I out of sight, out of mind ?

Will she ever contact me again ?

She has no shortage of guys after her, but the relationships are 1 to 3 week

affairs and done. We were 18 months.

I have written her several letters ( but haven't sent them ) stating my feelings

for her and what I now know and understand about her issues. Nothing accusatory

or blaming her for our problems... .But all from my heart with love and

understanding. It's a cathartic exercise for me as well.

If we do ever get to talk again... .do I show these letters to her... .or even

tell her my opinions about her issues ? Or will that push her away again ?

I know I need to move on, things will never be right with this girl and I will

get hurt again... ., but this is hard.

In reality, I know the right course of action to take here, I guess I am hoping

for someone to go against logic and say: hang in there, wait for her, she will

be back in your arms soon.

Insight from a BPD girl would be helpful.

Again, no disrespect to those with this serious disorder.

Thank you for listening.

[Theo41]

Hi In Pain, I'm sorry you are in pain and being jerked around by the woman you are infatuated with. In one sense you are lucky to have found a woman you are this passionate about. Some of us never do. You are fortunate she has broken it off but I suspect that you are like me in that if she does a 180 and gives you the green light you will not be able to resist going back to her.

My advise, don't marry her and don't have a child with her if she does come back to you. It sounds like she's very dysfunctional and if so,  that means in the long run you won't feel the same way.

You don't need to be or want to be like so many of us: a person locked into an unhealthy, abusive relationship because of your own personality shortcomings, marriage and or children. Theo