Advice needed. Returning something precious

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have no desire to have any contact with my ex but I have a book of hers that I know is very special/sentimental to her that she gave me as a present in the insane idealisation phase. I'm a nice person and know she would love to have this book back but I'm thinking that returning it might unleash a recycle attempt. What should I do?

[drummerboy]

I have no desire to have any contact with my ex but I have a book of hers that I know is very special/sentimental to her that she gave me as a present in the insane idealisation phase. I'm a nice person and know she would love to have this book back but I'm thinking that returning it might unleash a recycle attempt. What should I do?

[Rifka]

Please don't return the book unless she asks for it on her own. If she does ask for it then mail it or give it to a mutual person so that there is no direct contact or exchange.

You will only hurt yourself.

[drummerboy]

Thanks for that Rifka, I needed to hear that.

Your posts are toughening me up, you seem so strong and are a huge help!

Thanks

Please don't return the book unless she asks for it on her own. If she does ask for it then mail it or give it to a mutual person so that there is no direct contact or exchange.

You will only hurt yourself.

[Rifka]

Thanks for that Rifka, I needed to hear that.

Your posts are toughening me up, you seem so strong and are a huge help!

Thanks

Please don't return the book unless she asks for it on her own. If she does ask for it then mail it or give it to a mutual person so that there is no direct contact or exchange.

You will only hurt yourself.

Thank you! Stay strong for you! We all deserve respect and happiness. There are so many beautiful hearts here. We share our pain openly and open our hearts that are ripped and tattered. We are here initially for our pain and understanding. After a little while we are here for the newbies who need us and to start the healing process for ourselves. I am so happy to help you as you and so many have pulled me off the floor when I arrived with your kindness and experiences and non judgemental advice.

[Rise]

Bauie,

Rifka is right. There's no reason for you to do this. If she desperately needs her book back, mail it to her.

I don't want to sound harsh with this, and I do get what you're going through. But I wonder though, is there something else behind this? Why is it now after 6 months (that's how long you've been split up, correct?) you feel the need to return a present she gave you? It's clearly not that important to her, or she would have asked for it back (or not given it away in the first place). So why the urge to reach out and return it? Is it maybe possible that this is your way of reaching out to her, without having to admit to yourself you want to? This way you get to reach out and remind her you're still around, without directly telling her? As I said, I don't want to be harsh. But if we ever have any hope of changing our behaviors, we have to be realistic about our motivations.

Even if there is no motivation here other than you just being a nice guy, why are you concerned about what she would like? I'm sure there's a lot of things she'd appreciate if you gave them to her. It doesn't mean it's your job to provide them, nor does it make it healthy for you to be concerning yourself with her likes or dislikes. If she's gone this long without the need to contact you to get her book back, maybe it's not so important that she get it back.

I don't want you to think I'm judging you or anything like that. You seem like a stand-up guy. And if you're trying to reach out to your ex, there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone here has the same urges at some point. I just want to make sure you're being honest with yourself about your motivations. And more importantly, remember that you healing and your emotional well being are waaaaaaaay more important than some book. Stay strong Bauie. You will get through this.

-Rise

[Mr Hollande]

If she gave it to you then it's yours. Do as you please with it. If I may offer you one word of advice. Should you choose to return it without her asking then that's you acknowledging that she matters. That's you feeding her control over your attachment to her. Do you really want to give her an upper hand like that?

For a time I considered taking everything my ex had ever given me and sending it back to her. On a couple of occasions I was actually prepared to do it. What I did do was put all of it in a cardboard box marked "RUBBISH" with a fat black marker. It now festers in the attic. Should she ever ask I will tell her that everything went in the bin. That's my approach. It works for me. Over time you'll find one that works for you.  

[Recooperating]

If she gave it to you then it's yours. Do as you please with it. If I may offer you one word of advice. Should you choose to return it without her asking then that's you acknowledging that she matters. That's you feeding her control over your attachment to her. Do you really want to give her an upper hand like that?

For a time I considered taking everything my ex had ever given me and sending it back to her. On a couple of occasions I was actually prepared to do it. What I did do was put all of it in a cardboard box marked "RUBBISH" with a fat black marker. It now festers in the attic. Should she ever ask I will tell her that everything went in the bin. That's my approach. It works for me. Over time you'll find one that works for you. 

I agree. But first Bauie, I am sorry for the ___ty position you are in.

I have had a similar experience with some of my exBPD stuff he GAVE to me.

I really questionned returning it to him, sending him a message where I could send it (he moved around alot).

I went to the core of my being and I noticed I was self-sabotaging and my codependency traits kicked in. Because deep down I wanted to contact him and second I wanted to "show-off" I was the mature and "nice" one... .So sending it back would be the fake me and wouldn't have the right intentions. I kept it all, it was given to me, a gift... .Given out of "love/need/manipulation" at the time, still given.

No need to return it! I stayed NC and think I avoided a lot of BS. He would either be really offended giving him something back that he had given out of his idea of love. Or he would have tried to recycle, be stood up by me again, and the whole anger crap would start again.

Either way... .Not what I wanted. Boxed it and put it in the garage.

Not saying this is the same for you ofcourse Bauie... .But just realize you're trying to be the nice guy, the better person... .But thats what got us in this mess in the first place... .  :'(

[drummerboy]

Thanks to everyone for your wise words. I have decided to do nothing, I won't toss it. I'll just keep it. Your posts did cause me to examine my motives for wanting to return it.

I am reading a book about co-dependency which is a real eye opener. I think in the back of my mind I still want to prove to her that she dumped a nice person and also in the back of my mind is this feeling that, had she let me, I could have been a person that would have really helped her instead of the enablers she surrounds herself with. Having thoughts like that is co-dependency writ large!

I love this community, hugs to all.