Thank you BPD for teaching me that love doesn't exist.

[Artisan]

It's one of those real bad days. You know exactly what I mean.

I broke NC w my ex this past weekend, she was at a festival that I was attending. We spoke, and ended up kissing ... .and that was all thankfully.

Emails and communication ensues. Inevitably, the negative aspects arise quickly.

I keep being told that a person who loves you doesn't leave.

It's total bullhonky.

I keep telling her a person who loves you doesn't accuse you of cheating, of lying, of manipulation, of being abusive, of not being a man.

And then it just spirals down, really fast for me.

It brings me to this place where,

HOW THE HECK COULD I EVER TRUST SOMEBODY THAT CLAIMS THEY LOVE ME ?

HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER OPEN MY HEART AND TRUST AGAIN ?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I PICKED SUCH A CRAZY PERSON AND I DON'T TRUST MYSELF ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

Why would I ever want to get close to anyone again.

Love is an ideal.

Love doesn't exist.

All the people in my life who have claimed they love me have hurt me and let me down in the biggest ways.

[LettingGo14]

I am glad you posted.  And I know you are in pain.   And I am sorry you are in pain.

You could take your note, print it, and put it in your wallet, or someone for safekeeping.  For 30 days, or 90 days, or 6 months.   That's because, when you read it again, it's likely your perspective will have changed.

Love exists & and evil exists.  That's the paradox of the world.  That's the fact of living as a human being.

I came here 7 months ago, and felt like a mess.  In retrospect, maybe I even felt like a victim of trauma.  And, at the time, I blamed my ex-girlfriend.   I kept looping on "if only... ."

On the bad days, sometimes we live one breath to the next.  But, keep putting one foot in front of the other.    Read, write, reflect, post.    And, just like the weather, things change. 

We're here for you.

[Rifka]

I loved my exBPDbf with all of my heart and left him!

I was afraid for me, I was losing my love for myself, my friends were constantly telling me that I was different.

I was losing the amazing me, so that he could feel safer and more content in our relationship.

Sounds crazy now to me, but being in it at the time, everything was cloudy and I was just trying to survive a day without the normal accusations, and everything else that went with it.

It would rip me apart that he could think I would cheat on him or even care about another man in an inappropriate way. I loved the man he portrayed himself to be in the beginning.

I kept thinking that if I showed him the love he lacked that I could make him happier. He was so miserable!

I learned so much in my two weeks here, doing my homework, reading at least a hundred hours of material and suggested advice. I learned to self reflect and look deeply inside myself.

Why did I accept so much bad behavior for so many months?

I know what true love is and hopefully I will love again when my heart heals.

You know what true love is because you have felt it, it was just one sided.

It happens and some people lie to get what they want. It's a fact of life.

You will find love and not be fearful when you learn the skills to avoid people who do not deserve that love.

I know that you are hurting. Many many hugs to you, it hurts like hell!

Try not to drive yourself insane about what happened.

There is not one person here who can honestly say that they walked out the first time at the first red flag and moved forward without giving it another shot and never looking back.

Those people are not here!

Vent here and then try and fix you!

It's not about her, it's about you!

[Just_me82]

Love does exist and it is obvious that you loved this person. Maybe they loved you, maybe they did not, but the one important factor is that it was real to you and even if it was not on their part... .that does not mean that you can only love one person even though it feels like that. You will find someone that is wanting the same things; you will find someone that does not want to hurt you. Focus on yourself and try not to relive the past anymore as hard as it is to let go.

[Caredverymuch]

It's one of those real bad days. You know exactly what I mean.

I broke NC w my ex this past weekend, she was at a festival that I was attending. We spoke, and ended up kissing ... .and that was all thankfully.

Emails and communication ensues. Inevitably, the negative aspects arise quickly.

I keep being told that a person who loves you doesn't leave.

It's total bullhonky.

I keep telling her a person who loves you doesn't accuse you of cheating, of lying, of manipulation, of being abusive, of not being a man.

And then it just spirals down, really fast for me.

It brings me to this place where,

HOW THE HECK COULD I EVER TRUST SOMEBODY THAT CLAIMS THEY LOVE ME ?

HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER OPEN MY HEART AND TRUST AGAIN ?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I PICKED SUCH A CRAZY PERSON AND I DON'T TRUST MYSELF ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

Why would I ever want to get close to anyone again.

Love is an ideal.

Love doesn't exist.

All the people in my life who have claimed they love me have hurt me and let me down in the biggest ways.

Artisan,

Love does exist.  Love is real.

Even your ex's love was real, but only as real as a pBPD can allow love to ever feel.  Then, their disorder makes an aberration of love with the chaos and resultant traumatization that results for those that love them.

We fell in love with mentally ill partners.  Their disorder exists to deny itself.

They want to be loved unconditionally in that way they never recd as a child. We comply and deliver in genuineness. Then the disorder goes full bloom.

We are left on the roller coaster of our lives.

And traumatized.

And hurt in deep and confusing ways

How do you trust again?

Time. 

Understanding BPD and depersonalizing the behaviors by protecting yourself with knowledge, NC, support, gentleness. Forgiveness of yourself.

Understanding that all that hurt we accepted had NOTHING to do with a deficit in us, in what we know love to be. In how we loved.

Time.

Looking within and knowing that your value is not based on anyone else or on their own issues.

Real love does exist.  It begins with loving ourselves first.  And not allowing anyone else to trample on or damage that gift.

Ever again.

[Recooperating]

Hey artisan,

Im so sorry you feel like this. Been there done that too! You're angry, and anger is good! Its part of the process so be angry! Put on some prodigy (smack my b___ up is my favorite) or something else and get it out! (Or what ever works for you)

I too thought: ___ it. All men are lying asss, they cheat and put their d*cks in the first whole they can find. Luckily I surpassed that anger. (Maybe Ill get back to it, though)

Here on this board are many men and women who have been through the same... .So many people with good hearts and honest intentions. This board is prove that there are so many good people out there... .

But for now, sit with your anger, let it out in a healthy way, just dont let it consume you.

It totally sucks and its soo unfair... .

[Perfidy]

Artisan, hope you are having a better day my friend. Your feelings are completely understandable. Be assured  as others here have stated; love is real. Love is a fact of existence and without it life can seem frustrating and troublesome.

 

  Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love is healing in love of the self. Love of the self is the foundation which love of others grows. People that are filled with eternal love are rare and said to be enlightened... .So, not the case for everyone, myself included. Afflictive emotion is much more common than pure love. Affliction of the mind is often generated by affection to another. Pure love will destroy all negativity by removing the weak foundation of ignorance, hatred and desire.

  The attraction between two people is founded through desire. We don't need another person to make us whole. We come complete as we are, each an individual self. More often than not relationships are held together by some form of need. A need for sex. A need for the basics of life such as food and shelter. A need to feed a sick ego. The list of needs is infinite. Need isn't love.

   One method of filling your self with love is trough meditation. Helping others can fill you with love and help develop greater compassion. Compassion can allow the sickness of others to be accepted.

   Hope this helps you to enjoy a lot of wonderful days , Art.

   

[StayOrLeave15]

Artisan, I also really hope your day is getting a little better.

Need isn't love.

Perfidy really hit the nail on the head.  In a BPD relationship *need* is often confused for *love*.  I'm repeating some worthwhile things I've seen on other threads:

- When a pwBPD says "I love you" what they are really saying is "I NEED you to love me".

- True love is when you find a person who you want to help become the best they can in their lives, and they want the same for you, and you do so on a journey together. 

The second point is essentially impossible in a BPD relationship because pwBPD do not have the emotional maturity to go on such a journey.  The will put you up on a pedestal and then tear you down to shreds, rather than grow together in a healthy relationship. 

My point is that in a relationship with a pwBPD, it usually begins with desire, attraction, chemistry, and sex, and thus feels like love.  That isn't to say that healthy relationships don't begin with the same, but generally a pwBPD will start to show some red flags along the way, which are unfortunately easy to ignore because of the engulfment in the relationship.

I agree that your anger is good.  It's part of the healing.  Sometimes when I'm angry I do things like take a walk and sit in the park to calm down.  Other times I put some Rage Against the Machine on full blast (and this isn't the type of music I usually listen to).  The point is, your feelings of anger are so valid.  But know that in time, feelings pass. You may not believe it now, but I do believe that you will love again, real love this time, in a healthy relationship. 

[Danie14]

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time but I think that love does exist but not like we may expect or want or dream it does... .and certainly not like the movies or love songs.

IMHO, don't let that one person change you or who you are... .or steal your sunshine. YOU love in a good way and that proves that love does exist, right? I know I love in a good way... .regardless of what my H says or thinks or whatever. I know I do and he's never going to convince me differently.

But for now, as you're hurting let it out... .all of it... .and know that tomorrows a new day and as long as you decide that you will love in a good way then there will always be the existence of love.

((hugs))

[imstronghere2]

All the people in my life who have claimed they love me have hurt me and let me down in the biggest ways.

Yup.  Sometimes it's exactly like that.  I think love does exist for the fortunate ones.  I for one, DO NOT believe WE ALL should expect the same from life.  Nope.  Just doesn't work that way and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says.

Reality has proven differently.

So, what do we do now?

We carry on.  We don't give up.  We learn from what we've been given and give back to humanity in ways that only we know how.

And when we die, we will achieve peace.  Be it alone or not.  We deal with the hand that was dealt to us.

I will not be beaten by any POS BPD or anyone else.

And neither should you.

[myself]

The pwBPD in your life may have shown you that you can't share much love together, because they have BPD, but that doesn't have to reflect on all people or other possible romantic partners in general. I've seen thousands of bees in my life, and have only been stung a few times. Meaning, my experiences have not lead me to become anti-bee. Just more careful around them, when the situation calls for it. Love is what we make of it. 

[Blimblam]

Artisan you felt it therefore it exists.  You felt it like you knew was even possible.  It is possible. To find it you have to follow the trail of tears into your unconcious mind into your heart.  Feel every pain the suffering of objective conciousness itself.  Go into the underworld and reclaim your prize.  The Heros journey. Let the ego die

[Artisan]

The guilt trips put me face-down into emotional sinkholes.

I keep being told that if somebody loves you, they don't leave.

Yesterday it just got to me so much, and in an email said to her that it is obvious I don't love her, I left. It was hurtful, using her words and perception, from my own anger.

Last night in conversation with a minister, she told me that love is a choice.

[OutOfEgypt]

Love does exist.  But every human will eventually let you down in some way, but that doesn't mean they will let you down in the way a pwBPD does.

The only love that never fails is God's.  But that does not mean that no human love out there is worth it.  I understand the need to "quit" on love, but that would be the wrong thing to do... .and probably just makes you more susceptible to unhealthy people.

[honeysuckle]

Love is a choice? Did she explain more?

I know how you feel and I felt the same way. I personally think that love is different to all people. We have a different opinion as to how to get and give love.  I don't know that to never leave someone is a good gage for love. I can tell you that I loved my BPD with everything I had inside. I had no choice but to leave the relationship and really when you get down to the bottom line neither did he.

Don't give up. take a deep breath and allow the person for you to come into your life.