Social Media Manipulation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Lying, cheating, and manipulation may not be part of the diagnosis for BPD, but from what I have read in these forums it's incredibly common.

I found that my exUBPDgf used social media as her own personal playground to engage with other men to fulfill her needs.  I want to share my experience in an effort to get it off my chest, and to see what similar situations users on here have found themselves in.

1.)  About a month before our breakup, I took a break from FB.  I just deactivated it, to experience life without it for a bit.  When I chose to re-activate, I checked the ex's page, just to see if anything interesting was up.  I saw a few photos, and a few "silly" posts, nothing exciting.  Later on that day, I go back, and now I'm blocked.  I inquire to the ex (all via text) as to why I am now blocked.  She first claims to not even know that I'm back on, and no idea to what had happened.  I wasn't buying it, so she tells me that her stalker (another questionable fact that always tended to come up) had shown up the night before, and she had deleted her FB.  Again, not buying it because her page had been available only hours ago, and if she had deleted it, it would have appeared as if she had never even been there.  Now she claims that she doesn't know what she did, either delete or deactivate it, and turns passive aggressive saying "You tell me what to do, cause you are the FB professional".  She goes on and says that she thinks she deleted a bunch of people, because she was scared of this stalker, including her sister.  She goes on to say now she is unblocking me (she now apparently understands the difference).  I send another request to her, she accepts, but now what I can see on her wall is very limited.  She has obviously set me up in a separate group.  By now, I'm over this, realizing I've let it goto far, and choose to just let it go for the time being.  The funny part is, who I see in the "people you may know" section.  The one guy that I had suspected her of cheating with.  We ended up separating that day (see previous post if interested), and I contacted the other man.  My suspicions were true, and she basically forced him to sign up for FB, so she had another way to keep in contact with him.  With hindsight, I see now as to why she created all the drama.  She knew she was going to get caught, she just tried to delay it.

2.)  Almost a year ago, we broke up for the first time (do you all remember that first breakup? ).  I deleted her from everything, and started working on myself and moving on.  We ended up recycling about a month later, and she wanted to be friends on social media again.  Except there was a hiccup with Instagram, we never could seem to re-connect on there.  We tried from time to time, with her even showing me with her phone that she had unblocked me.  I honestly never though much of it, and just assumed it was a quirk with the program.  About a month after our final breakup, she shows up on my Instagram feed!  Obviously she controlled that the entire time, and this was some type of attempt to be on my radar again.

All of this made sense to me later on.  She used social media to keep her lives separate.  She interacted with me on FB the majority of the time, and the other man via Instagram.  At the end, when I think she knew that I had it all figured out, she chose to invest her time in the other guy, and attempted to "politely" cut me out of the picture.

As I said, I just wanted to right this down, get it off my chest.  I'm also curious if any of you have had similar situations with your ex's?  What did they do before Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Tumbler (not to mention OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, and Tinder)?

[Confused76]

Lying, cheating, and manipulation may not be part of the diagnosis for BPD, but from what I have read in these forums it's incredibly common.

I found that my exUBPDgf used social media as her own personal playground to engage with other men to fulfill her needs.  I want to share my experience in an effort to get it off my chest, and to see what similar situations users on here have found themselves in.

1.)  About a month before our breakup, I took a break from FB.  I just deactivated it, to experience life without it for a bit.  When I chose to re-activate, I checked the ex's page, just to see if anything interesting was up.  I saw a few photos, and a few "silly" posts, nothing exciting.  Later on that day, I go back, and now I'm blocked.  I inquire to the ex (all via text) as to why I am now blocked.  She first claims to not even know that I'm back on, and no idea to what had happened.  I wasn't buying it, so she tells me that her stalker (another questionable fact that always tended to come up) had shown up the night before, and she had deleted her FB.  Again, not buying it because her page had been available only hours ago, and if she had deleted it, it would have appeared as if she had never even been there.  Now she claims that she doesn't know what she did, either delete or deactivate it, and turns passive aggressive saying "You tell me what to do, cause you are the FB professional".  She goes on and says that she thinks she deleted a bunch of people, because she was scared of this stalker, including her sister.  She goes on to say now she is unblocking me (she now apparently understands the difference).  I send another request to her, she accepts, but now what I can see on her wall is very limited.  She has obviously set me up in a separate group.  By now, I'm over this, realizing I've let it goto far, and choose to just let it go for the time being.  The funny part is, who I see in the "people you may know" section.  The one guy that I had suspected her of cheating with.  We ended up separating that day (see previous post if interested), and I contacted the other man.  My suspicions were true, and she basically forced him to sign up for FB, so she had another way to keep in contact with him.  With hindsight, I see now as to why she created all the drama.  She knew she was going to get caught, she just tried to delay it.

2.)  Almost a year ago, we broke up for the first time (do you all remember that first breakup? ).  I deleted her from everything, and started working on myself and moving on.  We ended up recycling about a month later, and she wanted to be friends on social media again.  Except there was a hiccup with Instagram, we never could seem to re-connect on there.  We tried from time to time, with her even showing me with her phone that she had unblocked me.  I honestly never though much of it, and just assumed it was a quirk with the program.  About a month after our final breakup, she shows up on my Instagram feed!  Obviously she controlled that the entire time, and this was some type of attempt to be on my radar again.

All of this made sense to me later on.  She used social media to keep her lives separate.  She interacted with me on FB the majority of the time, and the other man via Instagram.  At the end, when I think she knew that I had it all figured out, she chose to invest her time in the other guy, and attempted to "politely" cut me out of the picture.

As I said, I just wanted to right this down, get it off my chest.  I'm also curious if any of you have had similar situations with your ex's?  What did they do before Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Tumbler (not to mention OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, and Tinder)?

[RedDove]

Confused76, I concur with you that there are a lot of stories on the forum about lying, cheating and manipulation. I experienced it with my ex BPDbf. He pretended to be a good guy. Once he even acted/feigned appalled when I jokingly said, "I suppose next you're going to try to tell me you don't do number 2! Lol!

Social Media makes it very easy for people in general (especially BPD sufferers) to connect to others. They are looking for attention, supply, targets and to also triangulate. Especially Facebook. My ex BPDbf used FB to reconnect after 30 years. We went to high school together.

Approx. 8 months into our relationship I saw a post from a female friend on his wall. It said and I quote "Hey you, I have the perfect woman for you, message me!". I called him out,on it and he said he hadn't been in touch with the female friend and she didn't know he was in a relationship. This was in the beginning and he still had me on a pedestal. He panicked and said, I'll shut down my FB account. He did shut it down for a year. I'm shocked now that he did that, considering I didn't know he suffered from BPD until now (3 years later).

Earlier this year he kept posting selfies, like a lot of them! I would see likes and comments from a bunch of females I never heard of before. Yes, it was a red flag, especially because I'd go to womans page. I would check to see if the woman was married, had photos with a boyfriend, where she was located, her age, etc. Looking back, its very sad I felt I had to do that.

Also, some of the women would appear in the likes and comments on his photo's and then 1-2 weeks later, he would delete them from his friends list. Again, very sad, but, I knew his friends list on FB by heart! He even deleted posts and comments I made this past year. Sweet messages, links to things ai though we both liked, photo's, etc. He always "claimed" he wasnt FB savvy and had deleted by accident! Not likely!

[freedom33]

Social media was a continuous battle ground for us until I decided to unfriend her and find peace. I never  realised that fb can be a source for conflict and mindgames. I was with a relatively healthy person before her for 8 years and I can't recall many a times when we had a fight due to facebook. Well let's just say only a few times. I suppose everything with the xBPDgf was used as a battle ground not just facebook.

I noticed how she used to create this image of normality in facebook about herself. And at the same time build this persona. She was quite narcissistic actually. I mean the descriptions she used to include under her name. Every hobby was listed as a profession.

Mary Jones, Marketing manager, video artist, photographer, journalist, dancer, musician/singer

Give us a f**cking break... .

[Tater tot]

I have seen it used more as a tool to find new supplies. It's sad how much we know about their habits and study FB for any possible clue when ruminating (at least I did). I got tired of caring about every chick who liked a pic, or whose pics he liked. I would think if he hadn't been on facebook posting during the day, that he was with someone new or if he was posting on FB all the time, it was because he was online messaging a new supply. Crazy right. I've blocked him so that I prevent myself from obsessing over aspect of his profile (and yes that included monitoring how his friends were ordered on his friend list to try and find his new supply).

I think FB is safe for them, because they can pretend to be anyone they want to be online and he often engaged with women who lived in different states and countries. He also had over 1000 friends online, when I doubt he had more than 5 actual friends in real life.

[freedom33]

I think FB is safe for them, because they can pretend to be anyone they want to be online

Spot on! Make believe... .They put on the mask and off they go.

[Confused76]

After reading some of these replies, I remember my ex telling me FB is not real, and it all was just a joke to her.  If I questioned anything she posted about, it was immediately dismissed, and I was told not to take FB serious, because she didn't.

[Dutched]

That’s what social media is all about.

   Marketing or better “personal branding”

Ever seen posts in which one cries, expresses a quarrel with a partner, criticised close ones, etc.?

The good, above happy things, make believe as every one does.

Some are really good in “personal branding”, some we know… are… experts…   

[Tater tot]

After reading some of these replies, I remember my ex telling me FB is not real, and it all was just a joke to her.  If I questioned anything she posted about, it was immediately dismissed, and I was told not to take FB serious, because she didn't.

Confused... funny you say that, about it not being "real" to them. I found out about my replacement on Facebook as he was in a relationship one day after our breakup. and when I confronted him he talked to me like I was stupid and said it's Facebook as if that means nothing... .it didn't mean anything

[Bak86]

Actually my ex dislikes social media. It's full of baby pictures and stupid people she said. I agree with her on that

[Mr Hollande]

I think FB is safe for them, because they can pretend to be anyone they want to be online

Spot on! Make believe... .They put on the mask and off they go.

I disagree. I totally disagree! I keep saying over and over that social media is a double edged sword. For all the hurtful and manipulative things they do on there, so can we. It can be intentional or unintentional but there are a million things to sting them on for example FB. And remember that with the stalker gene so prevalent in many of them you can bet they are watching. Post stuff about your happy carefree life and I assure you all it'll bother them. FB is not a safe zone for them. It's a battle ground where they can be given quite a beating.

[Recooperating]

At first FB was a place where he would show me off like a trophy. He posted pictures of us like a mofo. He tagged me in them and I felt very uncomfortable. Also because he had just gotten a divorce and I didnt think it was very respectfull towards his wife and son.

My FBpage has always been completely privat and he thought that was strange.

We were FB friends but I was way less into it then he was and believe it or not he would sometimes get mad if I didnt "like" some of his posts... .Really?

He would posts if we had fights, if we made up, tag me in his relationshipstatus. Delete me from it, block me, then add me as a friend again... .I told him to buy a freaking journal instead of posting his (and my) life publically on FB.

I found out over FB he was cheating. He changed his profile pic abd this one lady was liking ALL of his posts! His mother commented on her pictures in a mother in law type way... .He really insulted my intelligence there.

He would also engage in FB wars. Posting all kinds of crap about people had had an argument with, including me... .

Post-breakup he raged and raged on FB using my name or initials with his posts. Also saw he's back together with the "affair". I deactivated my account, invited my friends to a new FB account using a fake name. I blocked him everywhere... .I am not checking out his page anymore, it only causes me pain.

I guess we can say FB is his life. Sad exsistance isnt it... .

[freedom33]

I think FB is safe for them, because they can pretend to be anyone they want to be online

Spot on! Make believe... .They put on the mask and off they go.

I disagree. I totally disagree! I keep saying over and over that social media is a double edged sword. For all the hurtful and manipulative things they do on there, so can we. It can be intentional or unintentional but there are a million things to sting them on for example FB. And remember that with the stalker gene so prevalent in many of them you can bet they are watching. Post stuff about your happy carefree life and I assure you all it'll bother them. FB is not a safe zone for them. It's a battle ground where they can be given quite a beating.

I actually agree with both. It is great for them on one hand because they can pretend to be anyone they want to be online . Mine had constructed a persona, a mask that gave her a sense of self.

But also it is not good or safe for the because they can get extremely paranoid as I found out. 2nd month in the rs she said that she doesn't know if she can be fb friends with me. I was thinking inside (so what - what is the big deal with fb - who cares about fb - we have a real rs) and then I asked her why? She said because of all the female friends I have and who knows with how many I might have hooked up etc. etc. I told her she has nothing to be afraid off but I could see how this was bothering her. Anyway I am not going to go into details but being friends in fb with her was a major trigger for her she 'd literally track my every move and anything threating to her would in turn fuel vindictive, punishing and retaliating behaviour towards me e.g. playing games to make me jealous etc. and we kind of ended up in proper subtle fb warfare i.e she 'd post pictures of her ex if I liked a picture of a female friend of mine etc. I had to defriend her half way through the rs and things actually did improve slightly after that. So you are right hollande it can be a major trigger and she did take a major beating but I think I did equally if not more.

[Confused76]

Freedom33, you just made me remember something from long ago.

I had spent the night at her place, and she had gotten up early to goto work.  I had slept in, and while waking up I was checking FB.  I had a friend request from an old acquaintance, who happened to be female.  I accepted, and within 5 minutes I received a text from the ex ":)id you really just become friends with another woman on FB, while at my house?"  I ignored it at the time, figuring if she wanted to talk more about it, she would bring it up again (never did).  Their jealousy can not only be annoying, but also flattering.

[freedom33]

Mine wouldn't mention anything. She would just punish, retaliate which is even worse because you don't even know what is coming. Like a jealous panopticon... .So I 'd be walking on eggshels when out with her making sure I wasn't getting her jealous to avoid any landmines that she would lay for me later down the road. She is the most vindictive and petty person I have met in my life. I feel ashamed of myself as I am realising as I am typing just how much she had me under her control. My behaviour was pathetic... .