Our addiction to the good side of our exBPD

[Rifka]

I sit here reading so many posts about people beating themselves up because of recycling again and again. I thought about the time working to my advantage but then I read about months and years later reconnects that of course become the same roller coaster of emotions.

It's scary to me because I know that I have power to not contact him because I have chosen that total N/C status and stand.

I guess it depends where we are emotionally and mentally the moment the contact on the other end occurs. ( if it does May it please not be when my cycle is about to begin and I'm extremely sensitive emotionally)

I wonder how many times that has happened to us ladies?

The chemistry was so intense, I can't 100 percent say if he tried to kiss me, that I could resist at that exact second.

That would make me so mad at myself and all of my progress.

Right before  n/c he came to my door in his work truck, out of district on his knees begging. I noticed that I could not look into his eyes when he spoke ( I always look eye to eye in conversations) I was so aware that it could weaken me and I was fighting a whole battle with my heart and head at that time. I kept stopping the conversation and kept saying no.

The only thing I did wrong in the relationship was to give my heart and complete love to the wrong person.

I did a lot wrong for the love of me.

I basically stopped doing what I loved, being who I was, seeing who I cared for, all to avoid the fights and arguments that completed the whole process of sucking the life out of me.

I totally allowed this and take full responsibility for not ending it when it needed to end!

So how do we protect ourselves in the moments that the contact might happen to nc situations.

Do we need stickies on our heads. Writing on our hands that remind us what happened.

It's silly but not!

I can totally see how easy it is to slip up and beat the crap out of ourselves all over again.

Mine was diagnosed with BPD days after I broke up with him for good.

He was excited that now he knew the problem and we could get through this together.

A BIG NO THANK YOU,

I was already destroyed by what I accepted for myself, there could be no more abuse and disrespect. I was at the edge already and fell over!

So what can be done at that moment when you are caught by surprise. We should plan for it and practice what to do. Like an escape plan in case of a house fire!

I feel both are equally dangerous!

I'm not tempted to contact, it's been two full weeks n/c. I will celebrate by doing my favorite thing  (DANCING ) surrounded by about 100 people I know and having a blast at a friends birthday party.

I know that there is a chance to bang into him because he knows my routine. I did change it up the first month to avoid a might be run in, but why do I have to change me when I'm not even with him. I'm back to my old stomping grounds.

What do you people think is good way to prepare for that possible unwanted encounter, when your emotions might make you feel relaxed enough to step in the crap again!

[StayOrLeave15]

The only thing I did wrong in the relationship was to give my heart and complete love to the wrong person.

It isn't your fault.  You went with what your emotions were telling you at that time.  It felt right.  It felt like love.  Like you said, the chemistry was so intense.  So please don't beat yourself up over it.

I'm happy to hear that you will be out with friends dancing (I wish I were a better dancer  ).  It is important that you take care of yourself at this point.  Remember, you can only change yourself, so be good to yourself.

I basically stopped doing what I loved, being who I was, seeing who I cared for, all to avoid the fights and arguments that completed the whole process of sucking the life out of me.

This is so typical of BPD relationships.  Read anyone's posts on here, mine included, and you will see the same pattern.  There were certain people I was not allowed to see or mention, things I wasn't allowed to do without her permission, and fights over *NOTHING* that came out of *NOWHERE*.  People with BPD are emotional terrorists and hold you hostage by instilling the fear of their rage.  I truly hope that his abuse was only emotional and did not extend to a physical nature.  Either way, it is good that you are out of this unhealthy situation.  You and I are reasonably logical people as nons, but logic can not be applied to a BPD because they don't act on logic - they act on emotion, which in their case is incredibly volatile.

I am happy you don't want to recycle.  It is good that you have the insight to see that it is a situation that you must exit.  Run for that fire escape.  That said, I know it isn't easy.  The chemistry I felt with my uBPDxgf was mind-blowing, like it was just the two of us in our own little world.  Until I realized how toxic that world was and how I had lost my sense of self and was entering a major depression.  It isn't easy to stay away, but you know it is right.  I've posted this before, and don't know if it works for everyone, but I have a simple little mantra: "Contacting her is simply not an option."  I say that to myself over and over and it does work.  (I got it from a recovered alcoholic, 30 years sober now, just replaced ":)rinking" with "Contacting her", but both are truly addictions.)

Finally to your question.  What to do with an unexpected run-in.  For my particular situation I would cross the street and walk away.  (I live in a big city.) If it were on the train, I would switch cars or get off at the next stop.  The tricky one is social events.  I don't know if you have a lot of mutual friends but hopefully you can let those you are close with know how important it is that you don't see him and he not be invited places.  If you are out somewhere with friends you can go somewhere else. Suppose you are in a restaurant and he shows up, you can ask the staff to seat him far away from you.  As a female, you have a lot of power here (trust me I know this because my BPD manipulated me by playing the damsel in distress act when I had done nothing).  But you are using this power for good reason.  If you tell a waiter/bartender/bouncer/hostess that you don't feel safe with this person present, they will likely take care of you.  If not, you can always leave. 

Basically, my point is, you simply have to go to whatever measure to maintain NC.  Tell yourself "Contact is not an option" and then take action to make sure that is the case.  You need to be firm with yourself and firmly committed to NC.  Otherwise a hello could lead to a kiss, a kiss could lead to a conversation, and a conversation could lead to you being right back where you don't want to be.  Stay strong and good luck.   

[Rifka]

Stay or leave,

I'm good, just curious to how we as a group could prepare.

I know who he was, who he is and better yet what I deserve, I'm not going back to him under any circumstances.

No they are my friends, he has only one real friend, a woman who has no clue who he really is because he never showed any other side to her but victim! The are friends and coworkers about 15 years. I'm seriously glad he her. Now he has her to complain about me to. It's ok I know who I am.

I also am not going to be bitter because I made a mistake. I don't feel any anger to the whole opposite sex! I didn't know about this disorder, but I did know I should have paid better attention to the red flags, but didn't. That's my fault and I have paid the price.

I am now better educated, having all the fun I had before, back in my social groups. I'm out all of the time because I love it. I work alone from home all day mon-fri so I need to leave work at the end of the day, which means leaving my home for a little while everyday for some social interaction and maybe a meal.

Well time to celebrate and get ready to get out!

Thank you for your words! I am strong, I am good!

[StayOrLeave15]

I'm so happy that you are feeling good and strong!

As a group I would more or less assign someone as the "gatekeeper" if he tries to approach you.  Ideally it could be a male and female that if he tries to come talk to you when you are out, they will politely tell him that you do not wish to see him.  They are your friends so they will be there for you.  Also if you haven't done so already, tell your friends to please not respond to any contact from him should he reach out to them. 

And we all miss red flags.  Life is a learning experience and now you are better prepared for next time, which will hopefully be a healthy relationship.  I am trying to do the same thing for myself without becoming too much of a cynic and walking away from a good girl because of the terror I endured with my BPDex.

[caprice]

Hi Rifka,

One of the great things about NOT being BPD is that you have friends you can lean on and hang out with. Many BPDs don't. After the break up thy recycle you because they don't know where else to turn. Some BPD boyfriend and girlfriends (or victims if you like) get so sucked into the relationship that they lose sight of their friends and family. I know for me I hardly saw my friends all summer while the r/s was going on. So count yourself lucky to have friends that you can hang with as you go through the withdrawal phase.

I don't know if there can be a game plan. You don't know how you will react when the time comes. In my case I do know it gets easier as time moves on. Sometimes he would say stuff and I would just swoon and be so ready to jump into bed with him. Other times the stuff he said sounded so lame and pathetic, it was a total turn off and easy to resist his charms. My therapist said once "sounds like he likes to play games."  Which is true. He would send sexy emails and when that wouldn't work then he would ignore me for awhile or make some cryptic remark. Something he knew would rile me up.

But I realize now he's grasping at straws. Alternately ignoring me and acting like everything's fine. Then the next week saying "I miss you".

I don't know what's real anymore. And that makes me sad because I do feel like there is some good in him. But he can't be trusted and for that reason I have to move on. I think with time you will find his begging and pleading to come back will eventually turn you off. And you won't need a game plan. Keep living your life. Take time to grieve and take time to play. You will get there in time.

[Mr Hollande]

The only thing I did wrong in the relationship was to give my heart and complete love to the wrong person.

It's not answering your question but thank you for saying that. That quote is a breath of fresh air among many masochistic posts about how we are wired wrong, mentally ill ourselves, weak, bad and other negatives for having loved the wrong person. I understand there are flaws that need to be addressed for patterns that allow BPD people to worm their way in time and time again but I draw the line at punishing and dehumanising myself for it. We are not monsters, we are people who loved the wrong person and are paying a price for it.

[Pingo]

I find that the more I understand about the addiction we have to them, what the trauma bond is all about, this helps me stay focused and less tempted... .I understand your fear of running into him and the temptation, the feelings.  I worry about this as well.  I have been reading like crazy trying to wrap my head around all of this with hopes I will see through any of his usual tactics to pull at my heartstrings.  I'm reading 'the betrayal bond' right now, so enlightening!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

[OutOfEgypt]

It isn't chemistry.  It is infatuation borne out of fantasy.  The antidote is to become strong in what you truly feel, including all the negatives.  It took me a small handful of years with a T through some very painful experiences to grow through this.  If she came back and tried to win me over, promising me everything I ever dreamed of, I would calmly ask her to leave.

We aren't addicted to the "good side".  We are addicted to a need to punish ourselves.  Our cling to the "good side" is precisely our refusal to listen to our core emotions... .all of them... . In our defense, trauma has a way of numbing someone to their emotions.  But these people give us a great way to punish ourselves and live in fantasy land.  That is the problem.  We fall back in because we are already compromised inside.

[freedom33]

We aren't addicted to the "good side".  We are addicted to a need to punish ourselves.  Our cling to the "good side" is precisely our refusal to listen to our core emotions... .all of them... . In our defense, trauma has a way of numbing someone to their emotions.  But these people give us a great way to punish ourselves and live in fantasy land.  That is the problem.  We fall back in because we are already compromised inside.

Interesting. Can you elaborate?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hard to explain because it is something I've worked out with my T over a number of years.  Well, not that hard to describe, but hard to "see" until you've worked through it.

When you have an aversion to feeling negative feelings (deep, core pain and anger from broken attachment), perhaps because they are guilt-laden feelings, then that means you will do what?  You will look for ways to punish yourself for those negative feelings by burying them and numbing them out.  Feeling those negative feelings cause too much inner conflict and probably too much guilt (when toward people we love), so we unconsciously are drawn to things that will help us avoid them.  That is why they feel like they have such a "spell" over us.  We are drawn to living in fantasy land because it beats facing the truth with all of its pain and horror that we have deep inside.  

But when you shut down your negative feelings, you basically become someone's puppy dog and play-thing.  They can do anything, and aside perhaps from a temporary lash-out, we run back to see them in this perpetual "awwwwwwwww... ." mentality.  We idolize them and adore them, regardless of how they kill us.  So we put ourselves closer to someone who destroys us, which prompts us to bury those negatives even more, which makes us feel more entrenched.  We take a one-downed position and elevate them to the position of God.  They define us, and we must make sure they are appeased.

It really makes the perfect storm.  They want someone who will be obsessed with them and never feel any negative feelings toward them -they make sure that if anybody does they are painted black.  So they control the relationship by threat.  We know we may lose them if we feel anything negative feelings toward them.  This is motivation on top of our already built-in dynamic of burying our negative feelings (and our love, actually).  So, they want someone who will see them in idealized form forever, and we oblige.

[freedom33]

Wow! A genuine thanks to you! This resonates. I understand it intellectually, what you mean yes. And how does one work through allowing those negative feelings? Inner dialogue e.g. calming down the child and acknowledging them etc etc?

[Rifka]

We aren't addicted to the "good side".  We are addicted to a need to punish ourselves.  Our cling to the "good side" is precisely our refusal to listen to our core emotions... .all of them... . In our defense, trauma has a way of numbing someone to their emotions.  But these people give us a great way to punish ourselves and live in fantasy land.  That is the problem.  We fall back in because we are already compromised inside.

I definitely don't want to punish myself. I know in time ( it's only been 16 days since n/c) I will have the complete control to only think of the negative side of our relationship. Right now things flash back and forth, especially because I am totally back in the public eye. I have people asking where he is at each event, that have not yet heard through the grape vine. I know it will take a little while. I make and host a lot of parties, so people got use to seeing me with him.

I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER WITHOUT HIM AND ALL OF THE CRAZY DRAMA THAT CAME WITH THE R/S!

My life is a great life, I am a happy, free spirited person.

I just let the wrong person in and gave up some power to avoid fighting because it stressed me and made me sick.

Yes I have figured out why I did that, I understand about how I behave because of my own unloving childhood. I am working on that as well so that does not happen again and so that I don't play victim role to my childhood either. It happened, I can't change it, I can only know that life is not always fair, but we have to go forward and not let our bad experiences be more than lessons in life that we are constantly aware of!

[Rifka]

Hi Rifka,

One of the great things about NOT being BPD is that you have friends you can lean on and hang out with. Many BPDs don't. After the break up thy recycle you because they don't know where else to turn. Some BPD boyfriend and girlfriends (or victims if you like) get so sucked into the relationship that they lose sight of their friends and family. I know for me I hardly saw my friends all summer while the r/s was going on. So count yourself lucky to have friends that you can hang with as you go through the withdrawal phase.

I don't know if there can be a game plan. You don't know how you will react when the time comes. In my case I do know it gets easier as time moves on. Sometimes he would say stuff and I would just swoon and be so ready to jump into bed with him. Other times the stuff he said sounded so lame and pathetic, it was a total turn off and easy to resist his charms. My therapist said once "sounds like he likes to play games."  Which is true. He would send sexy emails and when that wouldn't work then he would ignore me for awhile or make some cryptic remark. Something he knew would rile me up.

But I realize now he's grasping at straws. Alternately ignoring me and acting like everything's fine. Then the next week saying "I miss you".

I don't know what's real anymore. And that makes me sad because I do feel like there is some good in him. But he can't be trusted and for that reason I have to move on. I think with time you will find his begging and pleading to come back will eventually turn you off. And you won't need a game plan. Keep living your life. Take time to grieve and take time to play. You will get there in time.

He would always be mad because people were always coming to say hello and hugging me. He made it out like it was a bad thing to have friends.

Nasty about it as times!

[OutOfEgypt]

I definitely don't want to punish myself.

Well this is why I said that it would be hard for people to "get" because it is a way of seeing it through working with my T for the past four years.  It is a) not something we intentionally do, and b) unconscious, but can one really argue that living in a one-downed state, burying our true selves in order to keep destructive relationships alive, is self-affirming and not self-punishing?

[Rifka]

I definitely don't want to punish myself.

Well this is why I said that it would be hard for people to "get" because it is a way of seeing it through working with my T for the past four years.  It is a) not something we intentionally do, and b) unconscious, but can one really argue that living in a one-downed state, burying our true selves in order to keep destructive relationships alive, is self-affirming and not self-punishing?

I do not go to therapy, so I will research more into what you are saying. I don't think I bury myself, I have over compromised beyond normal boundaries, but will be more aware to not allow that to happen again. I think I walked away when I could not take anymore for myself. It was no longer about my ex at that point. It couldn't be.

Now I'm taking a long break from any relationship other than friendships. I met somebody last night that was interested in me. We danced together with my friends all night, then we went to another club until 2am. I can barely feel my feet, so much wonderful dancing.

He asked about me, I told him I was just good as a friend for people right now. I know on my own that I have nothing to offer anybody at this stage emotionally or mentally until I have healed and processed everything.

I feel the best I have felt since before the honeymoon stage wore off.

Giving my feet a rest tonight, but dancing is on the menu for tomorrow for sure!

Thank you for your opinion and sharing your own personal experience. We really do learn so much from each other.