I am proud and happy to say that today is exactly three weeks NO CONTACT with my uBPDxgf. The first week was easy (I was in denial) but the last two have been quite difficult and these boards have truly been my savior.
Right now I would say I have good days and bad days. But the bad days are less bad. I used to get sick to my stomach at any thought of her. Now I just feel a little twinge there. Reading and posting really helps. Seeing others who are in the same boat and who are moving on reminds me that life does in fact go on.
Last night I had another dream about her. In the dream, I decided to call her. She answered in tears saying that I am the only one who can make her better. That triggered a big OG in me out of our friend the FOG. The dream proceeded to have a happy double date of a long weekend away with my brother and his girlfriend. I woke up in a lot of pain. I begin to think about contacting her. Start going down the path of her friends FB pages. Then I catch myself and come on here to post.
I don't want to be the smoker that goes three weeks without a cigarette and then slips and has one. Because three weeks NC with a BPDex is much more like a recovering dope addict putting a needle back in their vein than a former smoker having a few puffs. Thus these boards are my savior. My sponsor. My place to vent and to hopefully help others.
Weekends are especially tough for me because I imagine what she is off doing. Is she out with another guy? Even though we are completely done, the sense of possessiveness for me isn't quite gone. She was my girlfriend, my baby. But it was such a dysfunctional relationship and she has the emotional maturity of a child that there is no use even fantasizing about it. Still doesn't make it easy. As I posted last week, it is tempted to go out and get drunk and look for some random girl to spend the night with to make myself feel better. But as I discussed with my therapist, this is just a temporary band-aid. I shouldn't go out because I imagine her out with someone else. I should go out because I want to. And if I choose to stay in on my couch and watch a movie, I should be content with that, and not obsess and ruminate over what she is doing.
That's it for now. Still strong 3 weeks and am looking forward to the 1 month mark next weekend.
