Broke NC, she called from an unknown number

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

NC has been broken. I was doing so well. This can't be happening. It just can't. I've gone over 3 months was about to hit 4. Yeah I was struggling, but with the support from this site I was going to pull through. I had her blocked, it was perfect. She called me from an unknown number. I didn't think twice. I picked up and it was her, She knew I had her blocked. She used her roommates phone. I played it off as my phone is broken. She apparently has tried to call me a bunch and texted me. I just moved to San Diego. She told me she plans on moving to San Diego as well. I'm like shaking. She tried to ask about my love life. I just casually changed the subject. She sounded a little tipsy. She mentioned her bf. I have no idea if they are still dating or what. She  mentioned him briefly and just said well that's a whole 'another story. I didn't ask. Again. Just skipped over it and changed the subject. She was for sure tipsy because she was all sweet and nice. She told me to text her tomorrow. She called me at 12:30 in the morning!

What is going on?

[zenwexler]

NC has been broken. I was doing so well. This can't be happening. It just can't. I've gone over 3 months was about to hit 4. Yeah I was struggling, but with the support from this site I was going to pull through. I had her blocked, it was perfect. She called me from an unknown number. I didn't think twice. I picked up and it was her, She knew I had her blocked. She used her roommates phone. I played it off as my phone is broken. She apparently has tried to call me a bunch and texted me. I just moved to San Diego. She told me she plans on moving to San Diego as well. I'm like shaking. She tried to ask about my love life. I just casually changed the subject. She sounded a little tipsy. She mentioned her bf. I have no idea if they are still dating or what. She  mentioned him briefly and just said well that's a whole 'another story. I didn't ask. Again. Just skipped over it and changed the subject. She was for sure tipsy because she was all sweet and nice. She told me to text her tomorrow. She called me at 12:30 in the morning!

What is going on?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Hey Zen,

To me it sounds like if she was intoxicated she was able to get past the shame/guilt she felt post breakup. A little courage in the bottle plus loneliness resulted in a call to you. Im doubting the authenticity of the previous texts and calls she supposedly made as being a desperate attempt on her end to show some care or concern for you. As this has nothing to do with you and all to do with her need for a supply at that moment/currently at this point in her life. Im sorry that she has such lack of regard for your boundaries and feelings fully well knowing shes obviously blocked for a reason.

But just because she broke a board doesnt mean you cant rebuild the barricade. Imo Stay NC. Block the new number and try your best to keep moving forward as if this breach never happened.

[Infared]

Zen... .

Sorry to here that you had to suffer more at the hands of the BPD selfishness and manipulation.

After all you have been through, and after all the strength you have shown to take care of you and move on with your life, I would just try to put this behind you and get back to steering your life in a positive direction.  Clearly she was drinking, and just shows that she has no respect for you or your boundaries. She also can't be honest and take responsibility for her ruse, so, just like mine, you don't talk to her for an extended period of time, and she tells a lie to start off the conversation.? She is showing you that nothing has changed with her. I don't know about you, but I don't need that in my life.

[Recooperating]

Hey Zen,

Im sorry you feel confused.

To be honest its not so much about whats going on with her... .Try not to explain her motives, since BPDs just dont think like we do!

Ask yourself whats going on with you! What do you want for you!

Dont beat yourself up about breaking NC... .I did too a couple of days ago and when I didnt respond like my exBPDf wanted (or tried to manipulate me to) it got ugly again.

Lesson learnt! I re-astablished NC and got back on track.

I agree with the above, if she knew she was blocked and still called you from another phone, she deliberately violated that boundary because of her own needs... .Thats what they do.

Personally I dont answer unknown numbers or no caller ID numbers. I let them go to VM and if its important I can always call back.

Stang strong Zen! Hang in there!

[freedom33]

Recooperating is right. Don't start ruminating. Just carry on with NC. It was one phone call. It's not the end of the world. You are still much better off than you were when you were with her. You went 40% of the way and this brought you to 30%. No one can make straight to the finishing line. 4 steps forward 2 steps back. Three steps forward two steps back but the important thing is to keep going. I was smoking for 15 years and managed to quit in the end by persevering. Quiting smoking is a bit like that just easier than quiting the BPD  Good luck

[Harlequin]

Yep you stumbled, its ok, we all do and have.

  At times like this to remember your each responsible for your own emotions.  Perhaps she feels as if your still responsible to make her happy .   And if you think about it a little, with just one phone call your returned  to a state of distress and worry and obligation and confusion , not!mention it really shook you.  Which in my humble opinion and experience was returning to feel obligation to validate and nurture her, and perhaps was just her testing waters to make sure she had a fall back position , as she may be scared her new bf saw through the mask. Unless she is dedicated to change their cycles and episodes just keep on going and they just keep shoving stuff back down.

Stay strong dude it does get better.   A sport team, volunteer work, or even hang out with family or take nefews Nice's to a fun park .   

[Infared]

"ersonally I dont answer unknown numbers or no caller ID numbers. I let them go to VM and if its important I can always call back."

Yup Recoop... .I do the same thing. Repeated pain made me institute the same policy in my life.

I have gotten a few odd number calls with no message... .I just hug myself, take a deep breath and visualize in my head moving forward... .(oh... .I also visualize me pulling up my Big-Boy pants  )

[zenwexler]

If she's single. Then that's crazy. Just a few months ago she told me she was falling in love with the kid. If she's still dating him. Then why the hell is she going to such great lengths to hit me up. Like using her roommates phone!

My sister in law said her instagram is filled with pics from her bf so I guess they are still together. I'm just so freaking confused. And naturally my mind is racing. She called me again today.

Do I call back? Do I text her? Like what do I do?

[TwoCents]

For myself, I wouldn't regard an attempt by an ex to resume communication as breaking no contact.  If we characterize any attempt to reach us as breaking no contact, then we are saying no contact is achieved by getting them to leave us alone.  But we cannot control what actions they take, only ourselves.  To me, so long as we continue to maintain a pattern of never reaching out to them and minimizing whatever contact results from them reaching out to us, we are maintaining no contact.  After all, your ex could send letters, emails, text messages, show up at your house, or use any other number of methods to try to reach you.  Those are all out of your control.

To me, no contact is a state of mind, not the absence of attempts on the part of our ex to reach out to us.  My ex frequents places that she never went before we met and I have run into her a number of times since we broke off our relationship.  I don't regard that as breaking no contact, even though it can leave me unsettled.

Just allow yourself a few days or weeks to process this and you'll see things smooth out and you feel better.  In the end it will make you stronger because these moments give us the ability to further desensitize ourselves to whatever residual meaning we still give them.

[zenwexler]

Right now I'm livid. I spent all day fantasizing about getting back together. I just want to scream. If she's trying another cycle of this friendship thing I'm going to lose it. Or I mean is there trouble in paradise with her and her bf. either way I'm livid

[Infared]

Right now I'm livid. I spent all day fantasizing about getting back together. I just want to scream. If she's trying another cycle of this friendship thing I'm going to lose it. Or I mean is there trouble in paradise with her and her bf. either way I'm livid

She is with someone else and she is selfish and mentally ill. She will do this all the time... for years maybe... .

My experience in my situation tells me that if you engage with her selfish insanity, that there is nothing there for you but chaos, drama and boodles of pain.

Just calm down, get support, stay NC and don't answer the phone unless you know who is calling.  Tough stuff, and very painful because you really care about her... but you will be moving forward away from chaos... .and best of all you well be taking steps to love YOU!

You can do it!

[Infern0]

There is most likely trouble in paradise with the replacement,  we all know you can't keep them happy for more than 5 minutes, this is BPD we are talking here,  she has no loyalty to him, it doesn't exist in her world.  who knows maybe he wore the wrong colour t shirt or missed a text from her and didn't reply fast enough. ANYTHING could have set her off and now the white paint may have come out,  who knows.

All you need to do is steel yourself for the recycle attempt. You know her,  you know what she is and I know it may be tempting but do NOT take that poison challace no matter what angle she comes in at. It's all LIES,  got it!

[zenwexler]

Was I crazy for thinking that by going nc and blocking her number this was going to actually end? I guess there really is no debate anymore. She truly has BPD, she clearly has serious issues.

[willy45]

Hey dude. Read my posts. They will hopefully help you stay NC.

[Infared]

Was I crazy for thinking that by going nc and blocking her number this was going to actually end? I guess there really is no debate anymore. She truly has BPD, she clearly has serious issues.

That is one of the sickest, most perplexing parts of the whole mess. They cheat on us, run off with new supply, paint us black and destroy our trust, and break our hearts... .and in the end they make US end the relationship? It is soo sick.

Mine (living with new supply), did things like a 5x drive-by and then pulled in behind my car when I was putting my mountain bike in the rack and starts to get out of her car and wants to start a conversation... at which point I had to say GOOD-bye in a stern voice... .she knew... she looked like a self-loading jack-in-the-box... .never got to her feet and was going back down, door closes and she drives off all in one motion. She knew, that I knew she was just coming to pull my heart strings, create psycho-drama and then run back to her new supply.

I had to protect myself at all cost, I had had enough pain... .It was so sick. The "attacks" continued for years.

[zenwexler]

I wish I was at the point. But instead I'm like "oh my god, trouble in paradise? She realizes how great I am. she's moving to be closer to me. She wants to be with me. She's growing up! She's changed."

I haven't returned her call from yesterday. I'm still just so blown away. Shocked. Confused. I want/need to know why she called me. A huge part of me just wants to hit her up and just ask. The other part of me wants to just run. She was so sweet on the phone the other night. It was comforting. I'll be honest. It felt good.

[freedom33]

Listen to the other part. And if it's not loud enough go to the staying board and see what happens when you are back. I had similar thoughts about an hour ago and just reading the staying board helps me to stay at the leaving board... .

Hang in there buddy.

[willy45]

Seriously dude. Read my posts! If you really want to know what's on the other side it is pain and misery. Don't do it!

[Recooperating]

Nobody can tell you what to do here Zen. Its totally up to you. You decide what you deserve, we can only advice you and tell you... .DUDE YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN A CHICK THAT RAN OFF WITH ANOTHER!

Im calling the kettle black... .Ive recycled at least a dozen times! And I can tell you, after each recycle, it didnt get better... .It got worse! After every time he broke up and I took him back, insecurities increased. Not a good place for a BPD... .He got more agressive every time and it even got physicall. When trust is gone for both sides it just spirals out of control more and more. THEY DONT CHANGE!' I needed a couple more "beatings" to finally be able to leave perminately. I needed to hit lower then rock bottom... .I wouldnt advice you the same... .

Choose you! Really you deserve better!

I am really really sorry you're confused and hurt... .

[myself]

I was doing so well... .I was going to pull through... .it was perfect.

trouble in paradise

Things were good until your ex, the trouble, showed up in your paradise.

That's a pretty clear picture.

Her disordered push & pull ambivalence throws you off.

If you need to ask her, ask. Do what you need to do to get past feeling stuck.

Perhaps you just want to hear what you want to hear, like many of us did?

She's still going to be pretty much who she was.

Patterns don't change just because a tone of voice does.

As far as answers, are pwBPD ever very honest about their true intentions?

[Infared]

No Contact = Self Love

[zenwexler]

I know you're all right. I truly do. The last four months of nc haven't been amazing but they were certainly better when I was in contact with her. But can you blame me for wanting to know what her her intentions are? Like I read everyone else's stories and think to myself that my ex has BPD, just not as severe as some of the other stories. But that is proving to be false. She's been doing this to me for the last two years! I'm shocked it has gone on this long.

I have this strange feeling of thinking that she is my best friend. Someone I want to wake up next to every morning until the end of my days living happily. But I also get the same feeling that she is a complete stranger. That the last two years are just a blur, our relationship nothing more then a faded memory. I haven't seen her in person in a year

[Infern0]

I know exactly how you feel and it's weird. The thought of seeing her fills me with unspeakable dread,  but there are times when I'd give up everything to hold her in my arms.  She brought out the absolute worst in me and made my life a living nightmare,  she caused pain and suffering on a level I couldn't have previously imagined. She almost destroyed me. And yet if she knocked on my door begging for another chance I don't know if I'd have the strength to say no.

She has already put the feelers out and I suspect a recycle attempt is incoming and it's truly terrifying to think about. 

The only thing we can do is try to stay strong and listen to the rational part of our brains.  NC as much as possible,  and avoid like our lives depend on it because they actually may.

I know if I ever got involved again I'd be disowned by everyone close to me, I'd likely lose my job and I'd end up back on deaths door like last time and maybe even end up worse.

Stay away, stay away,  it can never be

[zenwexler]

This is starting to eat at me now. She called me once again after we talked but I didn't answer. I haven't heard from her. Why did she call me in the first place! what is her goal. She hasn't even texted me or anything. I'm so tempted to reach out to see where her head is at but I'm equally as scared to even play that game. This is honestly pure torture. I can't stop romanticizing about getting back together. Those thoughts were finally starting to settle down. Then she called me. She found a way around her blocked number.

[Harlequin]

If we understood exactly how they think, then we would have a disorder as well .  I believe they don't know what they do at times.  Healthy logic, compassion does not apply.

We don't get the communication and respect in relationship , don't expect it after.  If doubting whether to believe that she really loved you ever if she hurts you like she has , then welcome to our club.  Ask yourself why you want a best friend or lover , that brings you confusion frustration and hurt, when the no contact you had peace and healing.  If she really cared about you, she would respect your boundaries, and get counciling with you slide by side and work to a future together, not call you from behind another persons back.

You are  not responsible for her,   sure be compassionate, ask her to seek help. But don't try understand her, she doesnt ,

When in doubt look up shrink4men and read up on recy long and the dance of borderlines. And study what healthy relationshipas are.

[zenwexler]

I honestly just can't get passed this. I mean. It's all I think about right now. Especially because I haven't heard from her in the last few days. Like if she was trying to recycle wouldn't I hear from her more frequently?