Hi. Having been fortunate enough to have recently found this site and honoured to have been able to read even the small number of posts detailing inner thoughts and feelings of others I feel both validated and devastated to realise that the emotional chaos that was my two year relationship was almost definitely coloured by my partner having BPD. :-(
SO many experiences, thoughts, reactions ring utterly true. SO much chaos, adoration that could turn, within minutes, to disgust (and back again). A complete and total inability to feel or demonstrate any understanding or regard for MY feelings, repeated impulsive, child like outbursts, on going, absurd and totally offensive accusations of me being untrustworthy, sickening jealously of the affection I demonstrated for my young child (less for him apparently), a clear and demonstrated horror at the very prospect of abandonment (despite me never abandoning or threatening to) and despite his repeated abandonment of me - walking out on us only to act the next day like it never happened, repeated contradictions, crazy-making situations and mind numbingly emotive, hours long interrogations and conversations brought to my door as a result of what he incorrectly FELT was happening, or FELT that I was thinking, or believed, not based on any facts, AND in the face of numerous, undeniable facts to the contrary. Being put so high on a pedestal it made me dizzy, only to be shoved off it and kicked while down (not literally) when I didn't fulfil his man made fantasy and, shock horror, actually asked for some of my also valid needs and wishes to be considered.
Having broken up last month, for what finally feels like it could be the last time I have a chance to reflect upon the madness and begin to grieve.
Having decided to have an intimate party for two at New Years, which I had organised, I was left to toast the bells on my own, following a frantic (on his part) call 2 hours before the bells saying 'This is what I do... .they call me Happy Feet. I just go walking." Then, following me calling off the relationship (obviously!) 4 months of him attempting to get me back - massive romantic gestures etc, etc, which sadly worked. (3 recycles later... .)
But really, no real understanding and no real acknowledgment of the true pain he had caused. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done. Pleases take me back." but no awareness of what he'd inflicted and the damage to my trust that he'd done. An ongoing theme; totally self absorption, total inability/unwillingness to consider anyone else's perspective, feelings, rights.
One example of so many, but one that haunts me just now.
I feel like I have spent the last two years, yes, walking on eggs shells. Such a perfect phrase. His needs were SO intense, SO great, SO all consuming, his highs SO high, his lows SO low, innocent actions upset him SO immensely we'd lose hours and hours of my busy days trying to help him see sense where no one else would see the threat he'd supposedly felt. A comment, (well meaning and never malicious) would be thrown in my face days later, with him having misinterpreted it and allowed it to grow arms and legs in his insecure heart. I began to stop even enjoying the idealisation stages (not that I recognised them as such at the time) slowly realising that it was only a matter of time before the devaluation balanced it all out. Too painful and too hard to live with in the end.
I am hurt. I am angry. I am relieved. And I am only, just now with counselling, even allowing myself to acknowledge these feelings and my right to have and react to these emotions. I wanted to love him better and be the rock he'd missed in his horrible life so far. But I missed all the queues that I was out of my depth and that I was sadly flogging an emotionally dead (and emotionally damaging) horse.
I am now scared of my judgement of character. How could I have got it so wrong? How did my understanding, empathy and compassion become so detached from my own well being thermometer? How and why did I keep putting my own inner peace and sanity second for a man that only at very rare times (more at the beginning admittedly) appeared to be capable of being the partner I wanted and needed?
I have such a capacity for love, I am a loyal, committed, honest, hardworking, funny (some say!
) and outwardly confident, high achieving and driven young woman. Yet everything good I felt has been challenged.
I feel so let down by the man who so convincing expressed his undying love. Re-reading his insane, inconsistent and utterly impulsive texts, the saddest part is the one person who could make this better by validating and meeting my needs is the one person who was never and will never be able to validate and meet my needs. That's a hard pill to swallow.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to journeying alongside you.
Compassion14 x
