Just remember...

[Octoberfest]

Just stopping by to drop a quick note as I haven't been on here in awhile- largely because I hit rock bottom in mid June and have absolutely SOARED upwards back into happiness and life since.

Just remember that many times happiness is an illusion.  Our BPDex's run off with their new flavor of the day and we are left wondering if the replacement is better than us, if our BPDex's are happier with them, if they will succeed where we failed, etc... .pwBPD are masters of manipulation and misdirection. They can make their lives appear splendid and normal to outsiders; just make sure to remind yourself that YOU know the truth, because you got close to them.  They may appear to be happy and on cloud 9, but I PROMISE you that inside they are VERY unhappy and in a constant state of turmoil.  Emotions, especially the ones that we experience in the wake of a relationship with a disordered person, do a stellar job of messing with our perception of reality (I say all this with first hand knowledge, like all of you).  I have long said there is a difference between knowing something and believing it; i.e. for the longest time I KNEW my BPDex was the sick one, that things would be no different with the next guy, that I didn't deserve the cheating and abuse, but I sure didn't believe it... .I had doubts. 

Rest assured, it does get better. I never thought I would come out of this storm and see light again, but I have and it is glorious.  I'm not writing this looking for attaboy's, I'm doing it because I remember how lost and how miserable I was in the throes of the detachment process, and I remember how helpful the little bits of encouragement were that came from those who had weathered the storm before me.  I hope this little note will help even one person.

Stay strong.  You do not deserve the abuse this person threw at you.

[Rifka]

This is a wonderful letter of encouragement. Thank you for writing it!

I am n/c for just over 2weeks. Every day here has helped me come closer and closer to being me again.

I would never have believed I could be fooled into this type of this situation, but I was.

I avoided all flags and thought I could save this poor guy from his sadness. What a web of lies and craziness I put myself into.

Self reflection here has been painful and wonderful. I know I'm free because I freed myself.

I'm learning so much here. The people here are amazing loving caring people and I am thankful for all of the support and advice.

It's been a very rough month of healing, but the last 6 out of 9 months of being in the r/s was much rougher!

I am happy to see that you are happy and have moved forward in your life. I hope to one day post here my success story of my future healthy relationship. I know it will happen when I am truly ready. If I decide to stay alone,  that would be okay as well. I'm in no rush to be with anybody but me!

Thank you again and the best of luck to you!

[camuse]

Thanks for your post. You are right of course but it's still hard for me. On paper she got everything she wanted and left me destroyed. She left, immediately found a replacement, moved, got a new group of friends. Its hard to not feel the loser.

In my case the raging stopped for a while and we had a nice holiday. On return I told her I hoped we would be together forever. She said the same. The following week as lovely, then she started wrecking it. That's how it works of course, I had to e punished for getting close. We were over a month later. But she didn't leave me alone for months. When I did go nc she had a new relationship within three days.

Its not easy to not feel awful as she moves on leaving me to the long tortorous process of detachment. No detachment for her just on to the next one, parties, fake smiles, a new life.

I'll feel better in a few weeks when I know the replacement is now getting the craziness after the honeymoon. But right now they're having the time of their lives just as we did once laughing at pathetic loser me and I'm still in bits wondering how this could have happened.

What you write is the real truth. I actually heard from a mutual acquaintance a month ago that she said she felt worse than ever in her life. Hardly the words of someone happy with her new guy. I know she's permanently miserable. But It's not easy to believe the truth at times. Thank you.

[pieceofme]

thank you for your post. you are right, but it is hard to wrap my brain around.

yesterday i saw several pictures of my ex with various girls hanging all over him. it made me sick how happy he looked, like he's having the time of his life without me. like camuse said, it's hard to not feel the loser.

[SpringInMyStep]

Good post! Thanks for writing it.

I struggle with this too and then I realize I am being totally ridiculous! I was having weird feelings of missing the intimacy and stuff. Then I had to force myself to remember how I do not know who this person is anymore. She's not the same person I fell in love with. I remember how we have zero in common anymore, she is really controlling and judgmental and manipulative and tries to paint herself as this super-progressive sex-positive person who has her stuff together.

She is NOT that person. She is a HOT MESS and I must remember it.

I've blocked her from all social networking but I still sometimes look at her online dating profile to remind myself of the utter pathology of every single thing that comes out of her mouth (and keyboard). Then I feel better and realize that I got out fairly early in the game... .we were together for less than two years. I am moving on and feel good and don't care what she does.

[Ihope2]

I also think that I was fortunate to get out of my BPD relationship early in the game, and I am very fortunate that my exBPDh moved away and on immediately when it became apparent that I was proceeding to file for divorce.

Just this morning I was again reflecting on how I do not miss him at all, I do not long for his presence and I have stopped obsessing about his wellbeing and healing.  In my case, there was really nothing to miss. It was all one big fantasy on my part and on his part.  I was wanting the fantasy to be real, but it all came crashing down around us before it had even begun.

I do not recall one single moment when I felt at peace in the relationship, except for the wedding vows exchange we did on the hillside under the trees last year in April.  That moment felt so special to me, but it started eroding away straight after that, when he acted all withdrawn and weird around his brother and sister in law and my sister, who came along to be our witnesses... .

But even that moment was fake, a pretence, a lie... .as much as we perhaps wanted it to be real to us.

And the hellish 11 months that followed - I will never forget the turmoil and drama and pain, but I am so glad to be finished with all of that now.  I do not miss the chaos and drama and deceitfulness of this man  one bit.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Octoberfest,

I'm so happy to hear that things have turned for the better for you.  It can be a long ad painful journey, but I believe a worthy one.

It sounds like you are feeling so much better. What helped you the most in your detachment and moving on?  I think we can all benefit from what you've learned, if you care to share. 

Thanks for the uplifting post!

heartandwhole