made a mistake... reread old text messages from my ex

[BlackandBlue]

Ugh... .i dont know whats wrong with me, I reread old text messages from my ex who is borderline and its really thrown me into funk. They weren't loving or nice texts from when we were together, they were mean and nasty ones after we broke up. Sometimes I get into my own head too much and start wonder if I was actually at fault... .i guess I was looking for reassurance that I wasnt. Im just stunned with how nasty she was with me. I considered her my best friend but after we broke up it wasnt possible to be friends at all. I was so depressed and just needed someone to lean on and she pretty much told me to f-off and stop bringing her down. Im amazed how cold she was. There has been no contact for over 2 months now. Its sad but I still miss her

[pieceofme]

in moments of weakness, i reread old text messages - like you, i'm always and still shocked at the terrible things he said to me. i know it's hard and i struggle with this myself, but use the texts - like you said - as reassurance that it wasn't your fault. normal people don't go around destroying other people, especially their loved ones.

[DiamondSW]

Same as pieceofme,

I'm still shocked at the things she said and did.  Normal people really don't act like that.  They can see when they are doing serious damage to another person and they stop.  They stop the games, the nastyness, indeed they make space.

BPD's don't recognise the point where the horrific words and actions must end.  They have no STOP button.  I told my exBPDgf this many times. 

Delete the texts.  Trust me, you will never forget the really evil ones.  Although you will learn to see them as utterly cruel BS, rather than anything even minutely resembling the truth... .  they were part of the 'game'... .the CHAOS.   

[Rifka]

I hope that one day soon that you both get the power to hit the " delete the thread" button on your phone.

To Stop to torturing yourselves.

This week I finally had the strength to delete all photos about 500 in total from my phone and iPad.

Next week I will hit delete this thread as well!

I threw all cards, notes and gifts in the outside garbage the week before.

Every week I have a goal, for myself to reach to put him further into my past.

I really believe that this is helping go forward for me as was writing a last letter here and never forwarding it!

Hugs to you both!

[DiamondSW]

Rifka... .you are too kind!

I posted all my cards, gifts, indeed anything and I mean anything to do with her, back to her rented room.  Let it remind her

It's her birthday in a week.  After almost a year of NC, she's going to receive all my books about BPD anonymously wrapped up and delivered in the mail. 

It's funny because last year she got some very beautiful jewellery from me... .  at the same time as she was 'arranging a marriage' with some family friend (who later became threatening... .nice) 

Funny thing was, she never returned any of the presents I gave her... .maybe it was because they were 1)Nice and 2) expensive 

Seriously, with texts, gifts, the lot, DELETE.  Complete waste of time.  BPD's are not going to end up as your friends... .  they return to utter strangers.  Cold. 

[Rifka]

Rifka... .you are too kind!

I posted all my cards, gifts, indeed anything and I mean anything to do with her, back to her rented room.  Let it remind her

It's her birthday in a week.  After almost a year of NC, she's going to receive all my books about BPD anonymously wrapped up and delivered in the mail. 

It's funny because last year she got some very beautiful jewellery from me... .  at the same time as she was 'arranging a marriage' with some family friend (who later became threatening... .nice) 

Funny thing was, she never returned any of the presents I gave her... .maybe it was because they were 1)Nice and 2) expensive 

Seriously, with texts, gifts, the lot, DELETE.  Complete waste of time.  BPD's are not going to end up as your friends... .  they return to utter strangers.  Cold. 

Diamond of course she didn't return the gifts, but why send stuff to her, even spitefully, it isn't healthy for you.

Next time you feel the need to send gifts, may I suggest you send it toys or books to the children of a Ronald McDonald house or a pediatric cancer wing of a hospital where it would be so appreciated and you can feel truly good about what you did from the love of your heart.

Don't you think that we spent enough time torturing ourselves?

[BlackandBlue]

Thank you all for replying... .I really appreciate your input. I know I should delete the texts... .but I just havent had the nerve to yet. I dont know why it is that I need the reassurance... .but i do... .at least right now. My low self esteem is what got me into the toxic relationship and now that its over its my low self esteem that at times makes me beat myself up. My ex painted black and i actually started to believe she might be right for awhile. That was before i knew what BPD even was and was searching for answers as to what the hell had happened. I stumbled across the article "how a borderline relationship evolves" here at BPD family about a month ago and it was like the guy that wrote it was referring to my past relationship. I immediately felt a sense of relief but on occasion my mind starts to wander and I start to beat myself up again. When we were together she used to say "we are a team", meaning we will lean on each other when times get tough. I saw in the texts I reread I brought it to her attention that when times got tough with us she ran... .she got irate over that. I also mentioned that best friends are supposed to have each others backs and be there in times of need to matter what... .she said "no, thats a girlfriends or boyfriend, not a best friend". That statement is such a total contradiction because she wasnt there for me when she was my girlfriend or my best friend. There were so many contradictions in those texts it was ridiculous! And you're right about the gifts... .she kept all those. Even after we broke up I made sure she had a nice birthday. I got a fake hug and thank you... .a few weeks later when my birthday came around I got nothing... .nit even a "happy birthday". In fact I spent my birthday alone moving out of our apartment I got us. Lease was up and she didnt even help with anything... .what a jerk!

[Rifka]

Black and blu,

You are not a jerk! You loved with your heart the best you could a person not capable of loving like you!

Nons and BPDs minds work completely different.

Please stop beating yourself up and read all of the stuff available here to make you understand things clearer.

They all told all of us the same things. We have to be understanding of this disorder to be able to move forward and heal ourselves.

It's very complex and the opposite of us, the nons.

It's good to be angry and vent to us, because we understand you and the things you say and we will listen because we were all in the middle of the same tornado that tore us up and threw us to the ground.

You are here with the walking living who at times feel like the walking dead!

Please try to not keep thinking about her and what she did or why she did it.

It will take time, we are all on different stages of healing and detachment here.

The stages are posted to the side of these posts from 1-5

Hugs to you again!

[BlackandBlue]

I actually wasnt calling myself a jerk... .i was referring to my ex. To leave me to pack up everything in our apartment and move out by myself on my birthday none the less to time is a jerk move. I really shouldn't be surprised thou... .she was a total user. In the 8 months she lived with me I never got a dime toward rent, food, etc... .i guess taking a few hours of her day away from her new "friends" and "go with the flow" lifestyle would have been too much to ask.