What is the best course of action in this situation

[Vishnu]

Okay before i start i'll introduce myself i am an Indian and for those who don't know about my culture its basically patriarchy 101 mixed with elder worship Indian parents don't have a concept of "If your son/daughter is over 18 you shouldn't treat them like children" especially NOT the religiously fanatical&uneducated ones like my mother,indian parents are control freaks who still dictate their children's lives well after their late 30's.


My life is a mess i'm a high school  dropout and i'm trying get a degree to get a job and i'm not really social,actually i don't even have confidence to do anything meaningful and the most troubling thing is that my mother is making it like 100X worse for me and my brother simply doesn't care about anything... he's emotionally stunted,he doesn't show his concerns even if his brother his in serious trouble in life and even if his mother is absolutely crazy.


I just can't deal with her mood disorders and impulsive tantrums the scariest part of her psyche is that she is very unpredictable she will be a nice genuinely caring  person and suddenly she automatically goes insane in seconds and she NEVER STOPS everyday she is always repeating the same routine of being miserable and talking about how everything is miserable and if i object i get bombarded by personal insults over insults,i can't even type the horrible things she said to me here... .i try to stay away from her and she's think something's wrong with ME...

She can dish it out but she can't take it when i retaliate! i don't care what mental problem she has but if she thinks that she can throw whatever vile and dehumanizing insult she can muster at her son she is not a good person... .i have lost all respect i had for her... no matter what mental state you are how can you go on to treat your own children worse than deathrow inmates?

I love how she just doesn't even care about all the vile stuff she just spewed at me and all she cares about is that i dared to object her sardonic drivel and according to her rulebook i am a deluqient because "i talk back to elders" as if i'm a still a child!

I also have this untreated case of spasmodic torticollis... and because of this i was mostly a bullied kid in school with low self-esteem and i've lost contact with the only few nice friends i ever made... .i also have an extreme case of social anxiety because i've just been made fun of by everyone so i'm more dependent on my brother because i don't like to go out at all and i hate being like that.

I just feel extremely lonely,confused and anxious... .i have so much to do and yet because of this chaotic&demoralizing atmosphere i just feel like i'm in a prison cell locked up with a ticking time bomb.

I know life is not supposed to be fair... but damn this is too much...

[RayNigh]

Vishnu,

Welcome. I am fairly new here myself but the Ambassadors, Advisors, and Moderators here are very supportive. In addition to other contributors. What you are experience is not uncommon and in reading other threads we can find there are some common experiences that all of us share.

Added to your specific situation is a cultural element (this is my area of study). Based on what knowledge I have gleaned from the Indian (as in India) culture and what research has to say, the cultural ideals lean toward being more collectivistic (i.e. "we" oriented), as compared to individualistic (i.e. "me" oriented). Not that either type of culture is better, just different. That being said I can understand where it may be difficult to approach your family.

From a traditional collectivistic culture, the family would focus more on the family unit and if someone brings up a situation or problem (i.e. speaking to your brother or another family member about your mom) it hurts this idea of "face" and gives the family a sense of embarrassment. As such it is better to pretend that there is no issue to save the "face." 

Without having more background, my guess would be that you are a first or second generation (maybe raised outside of the Indian culture in another country) or at least were exposed to more external influences that some of your family members before you. As such you have other insights and ideals which can cause some disharmony in your family relationships. This is also not a good or bad thing, just something that is different and results in ambiguity and sometimes conflict in relationships.

I would wonder if taking an approach where it focuses on the "we" of the family may help in this situation. While I understand the basics of culture and can explain phenomenon this is where my experience and knowledge would tapper off. I would wonder if maybe someone else on the board has a similar situation and can help in the situation with your mom.

[clljhns]

Hi Vishnu,



I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much in your life. I am a little curious about your statement that your culture is predominately patriarchal, but I don't hear any mention of your dad. Perhaps I am misunderstanding, and perhaps it is a culture in which the parents make the decisions for their children.

I have a few questions for clarification. Do you still live in the area where this cultural norm is expected? Why have you lost contact with your friends? Do you live with your mom and brother, or on your own?

It will help to know these answers. For example, if you live in another country where the cultural expectations are different, this will definitely impact how you view your own culture. If you still live with mom, this may a situation where mom is still operating from her cultural perspective.

I agree with RayNigh that this may be the struggle in the relationship between you and mom. Has mom's behavior been consistent since your earliest childhood memories, or is this behavior in response to some changes in your lives.

I recently visited my daughter in Asia and discovered that the parents make all of the decisions for the children, even as adults. I met a 20-something woman who wanted to complete her teaching degree, but this would require her to take a year off from work. She told me that her in-laws told her that she could not do this because she is married to their son and has children, plus them to support. In their culture the parent is to be revered and taken care of by their children. Is this the same in your culture? Are you expected to support your mom? I ask this because you state that you want to further your education, so I assume you are not in a job that is satisfying both financially and emotionally. If you were expected to take care of your mother under these circumstances, this would most likely cause tension in the relationship.

I know I have asked more questions than shared my thoughts, but I think it will help to know the answers in order to give you pertinent responses to the situation.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Peace and blessings. 

[Harri]

Hi Vishnu.  I want to join the others in saying welcome.   

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.  I do not have any experience in dealing with some of the cultural norms that you describe though it seems it would be difficult to try to express your feelings and needs to your family when their expectations are different or at such odds with what you would like. 

There are a ton of resources on this site that can help you to establish boundaries and learn more effective communication strategies when trying to speak with your mother and brother.  Do a site search on boundaries, SET and jade for a start.  It will take some time and practice to get good at setting boundaries and using the techniques but they can be quite helpful.

Are you planning on getting your GED (or finishing high school)?  I would make that a priority as I think you will have more opportunities available to you. 

In the meantime, keep posting here and use this place as a support system.  Everyone here is helpful and accepting and can give you lots of feedback or even just lend an ear to listen.

I am glad you found this place!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Welcome, and please stay on the boards,

I thought for years that I alone had this type of pain.

Here will find education, and support for what you are going thru.