stages

[Promises]

Its been almost 6 months NC.  I have accepted what he is and know there are stages of grief.  I know we go through them multiple times when dealing with a pwBPD.  What are some stages you all have went through and in any certain order.  I keep going through anger and grief.  Acceptance also but not as often as anger and grief.  Having another bad night.  Don't want to think about missing him, or why he is the way he is or having my angry thoughts.  I just want this nightmare behind me.  Is there a finial stage?

[Rifka]

Its been almost 6 months NC.  I have accepted what he is and know there are stages of grief.  I know we go through them multiple times when dealing with a pwBPD.  What are some stages you all have went through and in any certain order.  I keep going through anger and grief.  Acceptance also but not as often as anger and grief.  Having another bad night.  Don't want to think about missing him, or why he is the way he is or having my angry thoughts.  I just want this nightmare behind me.  Is there a finial stage?

Promises,

The final stage is you!

Taking care of you, thinking of you, fixing you, learning about you!

It's all about you and acceptance!

Accepting that it is nothing that you will ever understand, because we the nons do not feel, love, or behave, or think the same way as a person with BPD.

It's near the finish line when you decide to really go there and do it for you!

It hurts a lot and it's a lot of work.

Read as much as you can here. Read about all of your questions here. Believe me I have put hundreds of hours reading everything I could get my eyes on to answer my questions.

In the end, it's you that has to end this, for you and only you!

Hugs to you!

[Caredverymuch]

Its been almost 6 months NC.  I have accepted what he is and know there are stages of grief.  I know we go through them multiple times when dealing with a pwBPD.  What are some stages you all have went through and in any certain order.  I keep going through anger and grief.  Acceptance also but not as often as anger and grief.  Having another bad night.  Don't want to think about missing him, or why he is the way he is or having my angry thoughts.  I just want this nightmare behind me.  Is there a finial stage?

Promises, its been said here that after 4 months of NC the FOG starts to lift.  You are at almost 6 months of NC and I surely was still bouncing back and forth with anger and grief while struggling with more and more acceptance at that timeframe of NC.

Today seems to be a hard day for many of us in this board. The final stage is indeed freedom. I actually told a friend today that one of the most difficult things for me is that it really felt like experiencing a death. The grief was that deep and that real for me.  Like someone I loved died.  I have never experienced that degree of grief as a result if this experience.  And I have had loss in my life. Nothing compared to healing from this experience.  

I think time is element that gets us closer to freedom.  For me, time and NC have gotten me through most of the stages.  

Sending you  

[drummerboy]

I think that the final stage is forgiveness. I'm getting close to the point that when I think of her my thoughts are "poor woman, she lives in an inescapable hell" To forgive means that we have reverted back to our true selves, decent, loving people.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am only 5 weeks past a break up with my exgfBPD.   I cycle through denial, anger and despair.  For the first two weeks I barely slept, had no appetite (lost 15lbs) and suffered terrible nightmares.  Two weeks in the ex started seeing a new man so that helped the break sink in.  We still split a lease on a two bedroom townhome but she is gone a week at a time.  That helps as seeing her just reopens wounds. 

Recently the cycle is mostly anger at her for tossing me out at the flip of a switch, sadness over the loss of a two year relation and slowly stages of acceptance creep in.  Bit by bit I am able to accept her true nature.  I should not be angry as she is sick. 

[Promises]

Thank you for your replies.  This has felt like a death to me and I am working on it with my T.  She thinks I'm grieving for the idea that I found my soulmate more than I'm grieving him as a person which may be true.  Because I know we could not have been happy together.  It's just not possible with a BPD. He lovebombed me and I fell for it and now I feel like noone else will ever love me so much again.  Of course it was not real love which I see now.  

I'm trying to focus on self love but I'm not there yet.  My story is different because a protection order was involved and now he is on 3 year probation which includes no contact with me.  I'm so glad because I'm sure I wouldn't have had the strength to be no contact if he wasn't forced.  I have sent him emails telling him off because it makes me feel better but I know it is unhealthy and not helpful for my recovery to do that.  He can't answer back and won't risk another arrest so it makes me feel safer to let it all out but I don't want to do it.  As insulting as they are, he is only getting satisfaction that he still has a hold of my emotions.  I know this but I keep doing it.

[Promises]

I think that the final stage is forgiveness. I'm getting close to the point that when I think of her my thoughts are "poor woman, she lives in an inescapable hell" To forgive means that we have reverted back to our true selves, decent, loving people.

this is where I would like to be but I'm not close.  I'm soo resentful for being emotional tortured, mistreated and used.  I know he will never be happy but I'm still so angry.  I think the emails will give me closure is why I'm doing it but I know in my head I'm giving him the reaction he wants.  Stopping my 1 sided contact is my next goal because I think that will be more benifical to my recovery than where I'm at now.  I know he'll never have empathy or care what I'm feeling.  He didn't when he "loved" me.

[drummerboy]

Hi Promises, I know, it is so hard, I was there, its like being kicked in the head. We allowed them to make us feel that we were "the one" it was an illusion but oh my god, how good did it feel?

You are right, your emails to him are not helping you and it is you that you need to concentrate on. Don't give him the satisfaction that he would feel every time he gets an email, knowing that he is still in your thoughts. Perhaps send him one final email saying I hope you get better and that life gets less miserable for you. I know what a tortured life you must live.  You were never the one for me. And then go 100% NC!

Hugs to you

Thank you for your replies.  This has felt like a death to me and I am working on it with my T.  She thinks I'm grieving for the idea that I found my soulmate more than I'm grieving him as a person which may be true.  Because I know we could not have been happy together.  It's just not possible with a BPD. He lovebombed me and I fell for it and now I feel like noone else will ever love me so much again.  Of course it was not real love which I see now.  

I'm trying to focus on self love but I'm not there yet.  My story is different because a protection order was involved and now he is on 3 year probation which includes no contact with me.  I'm so glad because I'm sure I wouldn't have had the strength to be no contact if he wasn't forced.  I have sent him emails telling him off because it makes me feel better but I know it is unhealthy and not helpful for my recovery to do that.  He can't answer back and won't risk another arrest so it makes me feel safer to let it all out but I don't want to do it.  As insulting as they are, he is only getting satisfaction that he still has a hold of my emotions.  I know this but I keep doing it.

[Infared]

I think that the final stage is forgiveness. I'm getting close to the point that when I think of her my thoughts are "poor woman, she lives in an inescapable hell" To forgive means that we have reverted back to our true selves, decent, loving people.

this is where I would like to be but I'm not close.  I'm soo resentful for being emotional tortured, mistreated and used.  I know he will never be happy but I'm still so angry.  I think the emails will give me closure is why I'm doing it but I know in my head I'm giving him the reaction he wants.  Stopping my 1 sided contact is my next goal because I think that will be more benifical to my recovery than where I'm at now.  I know he'll never have empathy or care what I'm feeling.  He didn't when he "loved" me.

I only have acceptance for my expwBPD... .accepting her for the person that she actually is, not for the fake bag of empty lies that she sold me about who she is. Her actions tell the story... .not her words! I feel that the only person that I had/have to forgive is me.  It was clearly in front of me who this person was when I met her, and I ignored that and thought that things would be different for "us". What a fool I was.

Once I clearly saw this and decided to do something about it "No Contact" became a whole lot easier.

[myself]

The final stage might be like "Rosebud" in Citizen Kane.

Unique and personal to each of us.

The thing to do is do our best until then.