I'm a Dad, a DH and a wreck...

[dadtobpdadult]

Hi. My DW  suggested I sign up with her to provide my perspective and concerns. I hope it's ok. Not trying to get anyone to take sides. Just hoping to provide another perspective and share and learn.

DW is Step-Mom to my 27 yo DD. DW never had kids of her own, but in many respects has been a Mom to DD. DW has been a wonderful source of strength and advice for me. However, there are some pressing aspects to our situation that I'm having an especially hard time with… I explain at the end…

The story, told by DW is accurate. I probably wouldn't use as much sarcasm and "colorful" wording, but that's just me.    Here is the story as I think it relates to BPD…

After DD's mom and I divorced, and a contentious custody case, the mom moved to FL (from GA) with DD and her 2 older brothers. DD was 9 yo. The next 9 years for DD was pretty unstructured and she was on her own a lot. Her two older brothers (especially one) took a lot of the attention. DD was taken out of school after sophomore year and "home-schooled". But the education was very lacking. She occasionally wanted to live with DW and I, but didn't want to hurt her mother.

At 17, DD did move in with DW and I in GA. Got a job she loved and the company closed after a year. Got another good job which morphed into assisting two hairdressers she loved. Things turned sour and they became the devil. Had a BF relationship for a couple years that ended badly. Then another job working for a lady who was awesome at first and then became the worst boss ever in a couple years.

At 21, DD is asked to be a bridesmaid in her brother's wedding. After a couple months, is kicked out because she's not showing enough excitement to suit the bride. Then, is not invited to the engagement party, because "it was just for the wedding party". Turns out, there were other people there. These two things hurt DD tremendously.

Then she gets a job as receptionist/assistant which was great at first, but then her complaints about her boss started and increased to where she quit. We could not have a rational conversation with DD. If you gave the slightest indication that you were sensitive to the other person's view, DD took it personally.

During this time, she has BF #2, whom she was going to end up marrying…. See below…

There were numerous issues with handling money. We couldn't have a conversation without DD getting upset. I think she felt insecure, ignorant and a disappointment to us. She would turn our words against us, control the conversation, putting us on the defensive and getting us off on tangents. Nothing productive would come out of what should be a learning moment.

When DD is 26, the bio mom, after divorce #2,  moves back to GA. By now, the bio mom is an alcoholic and an emotional mess. DD feels it's up to her to move in and try to help. Things did not go well. Plus, the brother/SIL from before, are pregnant. Neither the DD or her mom get invited to the baby shower. Another huge feeling of rejection for DD, from the same brother.



A couple months ago, the bio mom, having been further emotionally drained by living with DD and being rejected by son/DIL, moves back to FL. Also at this time, BF #2 breaks up with DD and becomes the devil.

DD (now 27) and moves back in with us. At this point, we still don't know BPD exists. But we all agree that DD needs help.

Now, a bad turn of events that has derailed our efforts …...

Within 2 weeks, she connects with a 21 year old recovering addict who was in GA at the time, but lives at times in a halfway house in FL. Ever since then, she's been making terrible decisions.

When "BF" went back to FL, DD wanted to go to Florida to scope things out, connect with old friends, see other family and then decide whether to live with her mother again. 2 days in, bio mom kicks DD and BF out because of pot smoking and other disrespectful behavior.

She and BF were going to prove they could make it … proceeded to sleep on the beach, lost her keys, had no $$ and ended up on the street, selling stuff to get enough money to pay for food, etc. She called us hysterical, begged to be rescued and agreed to go to counseling and get help she admitted she needed. I flew to FL and we had a 10 hr drive home. The most emotionally draining time of my life. Many episodes of rage. Followed by small talk and laughter. Then rage again.

Therapy started the next day... .with a few evaluations and a scaling back on some anti-anxiety drugs she was abusing.

Unfortunately, DD is still maintaining a long-distance relationship with this BF. Then, on the Thursday night before Labor Day weekend, she says she wants to GO BACK TO FL to visit her BF. We said it was a bad idea... .and the fireworks began. She wouldn't go to her psychiatrist appointment the next morning and take his advice, either. We told her if she left, we couldn't have her live with us anymore.

She went anyway and moved in with a friend when she got back… temporarily. As I understand it, the BF is planning to move to GA. This is insane! They can't support themselves! DD is already pawning things, how in the world is she going to go on? It's as if DD is afraid of another relationship ending badly, which we all know is what will happen. By then, she will have nothing.

So, here we are. A couple months ago, my DW talked with a friend in healthcare about DD and mentioned the Stop Walking On Eggshells book. That led to learning about BPD. After some research, DW was convinced DD had it. I became convinced, too. Then, just 4 days ago, DW and I met with the psychologist that has seen DD and did the evaluations. He said usually he reserves a BPD diagnosis for 2-3 months, but in the case of my DD, she has BPD. It has a name!

So, now I'm a wreck. I know the condition my DD has. And I know there's treatment for it. But as long as she's with this BF, anything we do is ineffective. I fear what will happen. She's going to have a rough time just staying alive with shelter and food. How is she ever going to get the help she needs?

My wish is for this relationship to end now and for DW and I to provide an environment (whether home or somewhere else) from which she can get treatment. I feel guilty that we are forcing her to follow down that path because she has no choice. We've abandoned her and she can't survive by herself. She has no choice but to try to survive with this kid. But we all know they are doomed.

So, what do we do when she shows up at our door alone, tired, hungry, cold, wet and broke? What gives her the best chance at recovery? Taking her in? Or sending her to a homeless shelter?

I, like DW, would like the joy and happiness back in our lives, but how can I be joyful and happy if I turn my daughter away?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aussie JJ]

Hi dadtoBPDadult,

Mate, I have a exGF with BPD.  Reading a story like yours.  It gives me so much respect for her father and what he endures, unfortunately he keeps enabling her and letting her do essentially whatever she pleases.  It sounds harsh however sometimes not 'rescuing' and 'saving' the pwBPD can be the best thing we do for them as a lot of people need to hit rock bottom to recognize themselves they need to change.  

I don't have all the answers, I don't want to sound like a dead end.  I am going to try and get one of the senior members from the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board board across to assist.  I would recommend reading as a starting point the lessons page from this board.  A good starting point is learning better ways to communicate and also knowing what not to do is sometimes more important than knowing what to do.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

Please stay tuned and keep posting.  If you post a link to this thread in the parents board some of the members in there will be able to jump in and offer some better guidance immediately.  


AJJ.

[lever.]

Hello

I am from the parent's board and I have found a lot of wonderful advice and support there. I hope that you will join us.

I have read through your post and didn't want to read and run.

I have to go out just now but will be back in a few hours and will reply properly.

I think you would benefit from thinking about boundaries. There is a middle way between turning her away from your door and solving all her problems and taking verbal abuse etc.

I will be back later

[dadtobpdadult]

Thanks, Aussie JJ and lever, for your replies... .and for enduring that long post.

I looked through the Lessons page. There's so much info ... .there and on this board in general. I have found many things that are interesting. Will look/read more later.

I realize no two situations are identical, but I haven't seen a post about being afraid of enabling to the point of letting a DD with BPD descend into a life of homelessness. As long as she's homeless with the BF, I guess she's not alone. But once he's gone, and it's only a matter of time... .That's something I don't think I could take.

[HealingSpirit]

Hello dadtoBPDadult,

I'd like to join Aussie JJ and Lever in welcoming you, though I'm sorry about the crisis that has brought you here.

I am also from the "parenting board". I responded to your DW's post last night and I want to assure you people do not take sides here. We are all doing the best we can to support, but not enable our offspring with BPD. I don't have much time to respond now either, so I'll also say & listen more later.

I realize no two situations are identical, but I haven't seen a post about being afraid of enabling to the point of letting a DD with BPD descend into a life of homelessness. As long as she's homeless with the BF, I guess she's not alone. But once he's gone, and it's only a matter of time... .That's something I don't think I could take.

It's true, no two situations are identical, but the BPD behaviors we all deal with are VERY similar overall. There are parents on the board whose BPD adult child is in jail, many are living in RTC (residential treatment centers) because they are a danger to themselves or others, and many, like my own DD17 use cutting as a way to relieve their internal stress.

My heart goes out to you and your wife! My DD also wants to move out of state to live with her BF.  My biggest fears are  that she will wind up pregnant, and on the street, or that he will hit or abuse her and we'll have to go rescue her from some out-of-state hospital.

The good news is THERE ARE TOOLS and things you and your DW can learn to stop making things worse. Your DD sounds very close to hitting bottom, which may ultimately be exactly what she needs to finally get treatment. I know how scary it is to let them fall!  But there ARE success stories here as well, and they give us all hope.

Please join us on Parenting a Son or DD suffering with BPD.

[lever.]

Hello-I,m back.

There have been parents on the board who have had to say that their adult child with BPD cannot live with them and have been trying to support them when they have been homeless. It has been heartbreaking for them-but because of the effect on other family members (often children) it is what they have had to do.

We have also had a lot of discussion about the line between enabling and supporting-which can be difficult to find.

Many parents have decided that they can only support what leads towards recovery and have had their adult child living with them under very clear conditions. They have had to lay down boundaries which they have had to be willing to enforce.

On the other hand the "tough love" "let them reach rock bottom" approach isn't effective with BPD. It is always important to show love and validate the valid-it is like walking a tightrope.

Please keep reading and encourage your DW to do the same.

BPD can split families-I know myself and my husband got into a hard cop/soft cop situation at one time which didn't help.

We will not take sides here-we know that everyone is doing their best. The board will provide information and support.

[MammaMia]

dadtoBPDadult

Welcome to BPDF and thank you for reaching out to us.

Having an adult child wBPD is especially frustrating, because legally there are limits on what a parent can do and often, there are no easy answers. Sometimes, we just need to let our BPD children fail and endure the consequences of their actions.  We cannot protect them from themselves, but we can keep the lines of communication open and offer solid advice when asked.

Another very important aspect of dealing wBPD is to learn the ways to protect yourself and others in your family from a loved-one wBPD.  This is a cruel mental disorder and it affects everyone.

I know you have just started the process of learning about BPD.  I would encourage you to read up on it, checkout the workshops and other educational materials.  Then keep posting so that others in similar situations can offer you more specific advice.  The Parenting Board has been suggested by everyone, and it is an excellent place to start.

We are here to help.  That is what we do.  We are so glad you have joined us and we look forward to being of service. You are no longer alone in this battle, you have an army of BPD warriors at your disposal.

Please take care of yourself.  See you soon on the Parenting Board.  

[dadtobpdadult]

Thanks for all the replies. Reading them, it really came through that I'm not alone. And that my situation could be worse. I do share the fear my DD will get pregnant and all that would bring. But at least I've had no indication of physical abuse. And there have been no incidences of law-breaking/jail.

DW and I have gotten some books, watched videos, talked with a psychologist, etc. Trying to be a good source of advice for DD when she's ready to hear it. Of course, this forum is also a wealth of support and information. I will check out the Parenting Board.

It was interesting what lever said about "tough love" and "let them reach rock bottom" isn't effective with BPD. I worry that, as I let DD head towards rock bottom, she will think I'm abandoning her and it will make the BPD WORSE. But, I guess if that's what it takes to get on the path to recovery, then that's what it takes.

Thanks, again, for all the support.

[Aussie JJ]

I think I should clarify my comments about rock bottom.  It takes a lot to reach out and admit a problem for a pwBPD.  By no means do I believe the tough love or rock bottom approach is a valid one, I know for my ex even reaching the lowest of the lows she has been enabled to continue by her father with no consequence. 

It is a tightrope that we all walk. 

[lever.]

Hello again!

Can I suggest that in addition to looking at the information on the parents board you try to read "Overcoming Borderline personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr. It is specifically for parents and explains a bit more what I am saying about tough love not always being effective.

It is a difficult balance because you need to avoid enabling too.

This is an excellent book and reading it would help yourself and your wife to work together.

It is great that you are both looking for help-I would love other family members to read this book.

[Kate4queen]

I have a 22 year old son with BPD and what I hear in your posts is your fear and frustration and love for your daughter. One of the hardest things for us to do as parents was to deal with our Fear, Obligation and Guilt toward our BPD son. We were so afraid he would kill himself that we were almost prepared to do anything to make things right for him, sacrificing along the way our other children and almost our marriage.

Eventually we had to learn to set some boundaries as to what was acceptable in our home. Note, these boundaries weren't for our son, they were our boundaries, i.e. what we were prepared to put up with in our home. I'd suggest you and your partner sit down together and decide what you are prepared to live with in order to protect yourselves from the chaos of a BPD child/adult.

Unconditional love is wonderful, but if you go down under the water with your PWBPD, who is going to save you?  The hardest thing in the world to do when you live daily with the urgent drama of BPD is to take a step back, take a deep breath and protect yourself. Read the boards here, read Valerie Porr, work out how you can change the way you respond to your DD (you can't change her) and don't beat yourself up too much. We've all been there. We understand.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StubbornScot]

I'm new at this, so please forgive me if I misstep. Not sure this would work in your situation, but what about getting guardianship and then finding a PRTF for adults? As you can guess my BPD is a minor/young adult.

Best of luck!

[dadtobpdadult]

I appreciate the comments from everyone. I wish I could give some advice to others, but I'm at the beginning of my first (and hopefully last) BPD experience.

I have a couple books but hadn't heard about "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr. I will get it, too. There's soo much to read and watch and try to figure out what applies to our situation. I wish I wasn't such a slow reader!

What's so frustrating is that, DW and I were willing and able to help, but she wouldn't follow our rules and advice, so we couldn't have her stay with us any longer. She is still with the "BF" she latched on to about 2 months ago, via the "PlentyOfFish" site. This has resulted in one bad decision after another. They met a couple times in GA, before he had to go to Florida. She has visited him twice in Florida. Her plan is to live with him when he moves back up from Florida, which, we are told, will be any day now. But neither can support themselves. I fear this is another of her BPD relationships that will not end well.

DD is temporarily living with a friend as a 3rd roommate in a 2BR apt. I support staying with her friend, hoping eventually, she and BF will break up before they get any farther. Then, we can consider a different path. But staying with a friend can only last so long, especially when you have no money. She's looking for a job, but... .

So here we are waiting, worrying and hoping.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello dadtoBPDadult, 

I understand your worry, coupled with hope... .you are in good company among us.

If only they would listen to reason, learn from their mistakes and accept the help that we can offer, correct? But then, they wouldn't suffer from BPD - unfortunately that is the nature of the disorder... .I am so sorry dadtoBPDadult that you too have this type of sadness in your life. There IS HOPE though, so that's what we hang onto, while supporting one another.

Don't worry about being a slow reader - this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. You will have plenty of time to read, and also - all the information takes time to absorb and to really 'get it' we sometimes need lots of practice as well.

In the meantime, please make sure you and your wife have relaxing time together and time to recharge your physical, mental and emotional batteries. To be able to do this long-term and last without burning out, regular time to refresh and recharge is essential.

How do you like watching videos? We have plenty of those here too. One I would recommend right now would be this one (actually, it has two parts):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

It talks about how we can help someone we love seek help, and how it works from their perspective.

That "hitting rock bottom" is an interesting concept, because many of our children will not be motivated to change before that point. On the other hand, they need to get there on their own without us pushing them over the edge.

Others have described it well as a balance between our loving support while NOT enabling (=rescuing them from and preventing natural consequences).

Welcome among us and feel free to share and ask we are here for you!

StubbornScot:

and Welcome to the Parenting board!