Was You Ex a Heavy Drinker/Drug User/Addict?

[Penumbra66]

From what I have read, over 50% of those with BPD are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. My ex was an addict in recovery, with BPD tendencies. However, after two years of sobriety, she began using drugs with my replacement. We had been dating for a year and a half at that time.

She immediately began using almost daily, and during our last five weeks together, was high every day. Six weeks after leaving me, she told me she is addicted and still using. She claims to have stopped taking drugs for a few days, but was so emotionally and mentally miserable that she started again. She also told me that her anxiety and depression scores were far worse than a year ago. (I guess my replacement wasn't exactly her key to happiness after all).

The affair and her drug use started on the same day. I am struggling with the idea that her bad behavior is a combination of drug addiction, BPD, and the shame/guilt/desire/excitement of her affair. What I do know is that she seemed like a totally different person after the first time she got high, and five weeks later when she dumped me felt like a complete and total stranger. It was bizarre, because everything changed: her personality, her mannerisms, the way she walked, talked, her interests. It seemed like even her looks were somehow different. I should point out that she never actually appeared intoxicated. Just... .different.

In the last weeks of our relationship, while having the affair, she showed an amount of callousness, cruelty, and lack of empathy beyond anything I've ever experienced in life. She also said some brutal things to me after she left. I could not believe how I was being treated, and I slipped into shock and depression. She had never been so toxic before.

Certainly I was being devalued, and borderlines are good at maintaining and changing facades to suit their partner(s), but I am wondering what role her addiction played. Our relationship was more stable than it had ever been until the affair and drug use.

Does anyone else have experience with a heavy drug/alcohol user/addict/addict in recovery? How do you believe the addiction influenced their behavior? Did their personality change?

[Infared]

From what I have read, over 50% of those with BPD are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. My ex was an addict in recovery, with BPD tendencies. However, after two years of sobriety, she began using drugs with my replacement. We had been dating for a year and a half at that time.

She immediately began using almost daily, and during our last five weeks together, was high every day. Six weeks after leaving me, she told me she is addicted and still using. She claims to have stopped taking drugs for a few days, but was so emotionally and mentally miserable that she started again. She also told me that her anxiety and depression scores were far worse than a year ago. (I guess my replacement wasn't exactly her key to happiness after all).

The affair and her drug use started on the same day. I am struggling with the idea that her bad behavior is a combination of drug addiction, BPD, and the shame/guilt/desire/excitement of her affair. What I do know is that she seemed like a totally different person after the first time she got high, and five weeks later when she dumped me felt like a complete and total stranger. It was bizarre, because everything changed: her personality, her mannerisms, the way she walked, talked, her interests. It seemed like even her looks were somehow different. I should point out that she never actually appeared intoxicated. Just... .different.

In the last weeks of our relationship, while having the affair, she showed an amount of callousness, cruelty, and lack of empathy beyond anything I've ever experienced in life. She also said some brutal things to me after she left. I could not believe how I was being treated, and I slipped into shock and depression. She had never been so toxic before.

Certainly I was being devalued, and borderlines are good at maintaining and changing facades to suit their partner(s), but I am wondering what role her addiction played. Our relationship was more stable than it had ever been until the affair and drug use.

Does anyone else have experience with a heavy drug/alcohol user/addict/addict in recovery? How do you believe the addiction influenced their behavior? Did their personality change?

I went thru some similar experiences, but our dynamics are quite different. I am an addict in recovery. I was in recovery when I met my pwBPD... .she was younger than me and cute and sexy and she seduced me into drinking again. (I take full responsibility for using again... .I made the choice, but she worked really hard at getting me to party with her... .Talk about sirens sweetly singing... .).  She knew my story so right away she is showing me that she really doesn't respect me and what is good for me. If I was healthier at the time I would have walked away, but I didn't. She only has time and energy for her own self-centered agenda... .I did not see this as I slowly succumbed to the fog. All that is on me. Years later when she ran off with new supply I immediately got back into recovery, that was a life and death situation for me... .an addict in a lot of emotional pain and abandoned can end up dead pretty quickly. I make no excuses for my choices... .but once the psycho typhoon was gone I slowly got back on track.  Funny, but recovery meetings can also help in a supportive way recovering from the unhealthy attachment to a sick person. It is just like drug addiction and we all have "our" part in it.

Now she is totally in denial of BPD and oh... guess what, she ran off with an active alcoholic who also must be in denial.  Two people with the same problem make it ok for one another, for a time... .but it is a downward spiral... .There is no doubt in my mind that my ex is an alcoholic,  look at the company she kept... .("ME". LOL!  )... .and now the new similar attachment... .but she can only see that for herself and want to make steps to change.

I think that many/most pwBPD have substance abuse issues... .they love the highs and lows of that roller coaster ride.

Once she attached to her new supply she became someone  I did not know. Very abusive to me, and clearly enjoying hurting me. It was pretty sick, and upsetting.  We all have such similar stories about how the pwBPD behaves, and how they turn on us. That is our shared, collective pain here.  The glue that holds this website together. What is cool though is that we can all come here and be helpful and supportive to one another, see our individual truths and get better!

[Lion Fire]

my ex claimed to be "clean and sober" for 9 years but still takes the occasional drink 

She has been in and out of 12 step fellowships for a decade for Sex and Love addiction, Co-dependence, alcohol, narcotics and an Eating disorder. She has also been to rehab at least twice that I know of. Throw in a couple of suicide attempts (that I know of) and being sectioned and detained by the mental health authorities as well... .She had done countless healing therapies and courses too. A proper "spiritual shopaholic" 

Damn! If this is what she was like "in recovery" I would hate to have met her before 

[Take2]

My exuBPDbf is the opposite here.  He very, very rarely drinks alcohol and when he does it is maybe one glass of wine or a beer at the most.  He never does drugs, never has.  He did drink when he was in his early 20s but says he gave it up because he wanted to get his concealed handgun license.  I know plenty with that license who still drink.  Not sure why he uses that as his reasoning.  After knowing him for 5 years now, I'm pretty sure my ex's need to be in CONTROL is why he never drinks or used drugs.  His need to be in control is his addiction.  It is all consuming for him. 

[Infern0]

I wasn't as close to mine as some of you or around for as long.

She told me she didn't really drink (neither do I,  convenient) but several of my mutual friends had spotted her early in our interaction completely totalled in town,  being literally carried through the streets by her enabler friends. I questioned these sightings just out of interest, it's not like I cared if she drunk or not, but she denied them and I belived her of course.

Now I know it obviously was a side she hid from me as I'm not a big drinker. The mirroring aspect is really interesting. She started smoking soon after we met,  same exact brand and quit almost as soon as she'd tossed me out for new supply.

[RedDove]

Yes, My exBPDbf was an alcoholic. I'm talking the hard stuff! 3-4 Vodka and tonics a night. I'm not a big drinker. I developed an intolerance after I had gall bladder surgery many years ago. Yet he was always bringing bottles of wine, sangria, Baileys's to me as gifts! Can you guess why? It was all about him and his needs!

We went camping one Memorial Day and I made the mistake of letting him mix me a few drinks. I asked him to make them light, like 1/2 the alcohol he would normally pour for himself. The next day I was so sick!   it was one of only two times in our 4 years together that he actually showed some empathy and took care of me.

He was also addicted to percs from two knee surgeries. When he would drink and/or take drugs, he was more apt to rage, dissociate and blank out things that happened. I remember he called me one night, we talked for an hour, he professed his love for me and EVEN asked me to marry him. The next day when I texted him, he didn't remember the conversation. Said he had called several people and had no idea what he had said.

The strangest thing is that most of the time I "never" could tell when he was actually drunk or high! He was always so laid back and mellow, lacking depth and emotions. It was only if I did something to trigger him whilst he was drinking and we were together that I'd see his out of control rage and anger. We had our "one" and "only" big fight during our time together when we went out and he downed 4 vodka & tonics.

The thing of it is, I didn't know he suffered from BPD during those times. I didn't find out until I finally ended it with him and went NC two months ago. Very sad. He will likely suffer from cirrhosis of the liver, as his liver counts were already high 3 months ago. It's heartwrenching because I've seen patients in my field (medical) with liver cancer and its a very painful death.

[Split black]

The affair and her drug use started on the same day. I am struggling with the idea that her bad behavior is a combination of drug addiction, BPD, and the shame/guilt/desire/excitement of her affair. What I do know is that she seemed like a totally different person after the first time she got high, and five weeks later when she dumped me felt like a complete and total stranger. It was bizarre, because everything changed: her personality, her mannerisms, the way she walked, talked, her interests. It seemed like even her looks were somehow different. I should point out that she never actually appeared intoxicated. Just... .different.

In the last weeks of our relationship, while having the affair, she showed an amount of callousness, cruelty, and lack of empathy beyond anything I've ever experienced in life. She also said some brutal things to me after she left. I could not believe how I was being treated, and I slipped into shock and depression. She had never been so toxic before.

Certainly I was being devalued, and borderlines are good at maintaining and changing facades to suit their partner(s), but I am wondering what role her addiction played. Our relationship was more stable than it had ever been until the affair and drug use.

Does anyone else have experience with a heavy drug/alcohol user/addict/addict in recovery? How do you believe the addiction influenced their behavior? Did their personality change?

Mine was/is addicted to everything except heroin... .  coke, booze, pain killers, smokes weed like a chimney. Has crazy anxiety... .all chemical imbalances... .oh... .sex addict. Always has back up and is sneaking exes and newbies ALL the time and lies about it... lies about everything. RESENTS any type of conversation about what did you do today honey... .forget it.

Im 100 percent sure she uses to dumb down her BPD and anxiety. Its a vicious cycle. Shes been to 12 step, 8 step, alanon... .meditate, takes hot baths... .she even paints... but of course wasted or drunk. I might add she only starts going to these meeting when shes bangin her exbf who she has seen on and off for 4 yrs. I think... .he may have finally had enough. But who knows... .  I think I feel more betrayed then he does or any of her other exes she asks to " swing by" for a visit. I discovered too much. Way too much.

Her combination of innocence and fragility, camouflages a nasty mean spirited using emotional vampire... .shes in constant total survival mode and is always looking for an angle... .cant believe someone would like her for herself, love her... .because she cant relate. Sad. Tragic.

[blissful_camper]

Yup.  My ex was a former drug addict and alcoholic.   He started in his early teens.  His cocaine habit was really bad.   He quit drinking and drugging almost 20 years ago.   He continues to smoke a lot of weed.   

[Infared]

Yup.  My ex was a former drug addict and alcoholic.   He started in his early teens.  His cocaine habit was really bad.   He quit drinking and drugging almost 20 years ago.   He continues to smoke a lot of weed.   

That is known as the marijuana maintenance program.

It's serious escape and drug addiction... if used daily... .people try to diminish pot smoking as not a serious problem. My take on that is, if you do that everyday then you are not here in the present and a healthy meaningful relationship with another human being has no real shot.

[Lolster]

First disordered relationship - Big drinker, and could never say no to recreational drugs.  Ended up smoking pot from the moment he got up to when he went to bed.  Still getting arrested for drunk & disorderly at 30+ years old, had no off switch when it came to drink, other than passing out/getting arrested (i.e. forced).  I believe he started drinking at age 13.  The drink was a prop to increase his confidence in public, the pot was to relieve his everyday anxiety.

Second disordered relationship - Heavy use of prescription medication (pain killers, sleeping meds, anxiety meds) and visited me with a wrap of cocaine this recycle... .His excuse was that he needed it to counter the other medication to spend time with me. 

[Infared]

I forgot about something my ex said to me. She said this like it was just a normal statement that the average person would say... .something that would cause no concern... .kind of like "wow... .that is a beautiful blue sky".

This was said to me after she had run off with new supply,  I was in substance abuse recovery for months and was clean and sober. It was said to me in the conte text that "I" would not be using any substances any longer.:

"Well to tell you the truth, I could never stop drinking. The only time that I truly feel alive, like myself, and can relax and really have fun is when I am drinking... It's the only time that I am free... ."

She then remarked on the stunned look I had on my face, as for me... .I was thinking that the ONLY place that I had heard someone say that before (and I had heard those words, many, many times!), was when I was sitting in an AA meeting listening to someone in recovery sharing... .

[Lolster]

Second disordered relationship - Heavy use of prescription medication (pain killers, sleeping meds, anxiety meds) and visited me with a wrap of cocaine this recycle... .His excuse was that he needed it to counter the other medication to spend time with me. 

This is a particularly pathetic excuse when you consider that he told me he needed the cocaine to keep him awake due to the other meds.  He fell fast asleep snoring like a rhino in the early hours of the morning, but convinced himself he hadn't slept. He did as his snoring kept me awake!

I posted in Rifka's closing the door thread that another night (the next visit) that he didn't sleep at all until I got up at 7:30 am.  As far as I know he didn't have any cocaine that day and had a much longer, busier day + the same prescription meds.   

In hindsight the cocaine/lack of sleep was more related to whether sex was likely.  The cocaine incident was on a day that no children would be around and we had agreed to probably have sex.  He obviously needed it for confidence.  I really think on the last visit that he hoped that if he kept banging around I would get out of bed and go and have sex with him downstairs away from the kids.  He messaged me to ask if I wanted a cup of tea... .errrr NO, I'm in bed trying to sleep, ffs!

[Wastedyears25]

My uBPDh is a heavy weed user, has been for years. Both times he dumped me for a replacement he went hardcore, crack the first time, meth, pain pills, ambien whatever he could get his hands on the second time. He went to NA for a few months after he recycled me the second time, pronounced himself cured of addiction yet continued to smoke weed daily. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Addicted to drugs and alcohol.

[willtimeheal]

Mine was and is an alcoholic. She would say she needed to alcohol to help her relax. It helped calm her anxiety. At her worst she was drinking from the moment she got up to the moment she passed out. It got to the point that I hated going out... .I never knew what was going to happen. If she was going to embarrass me by picking a fight with someone or fall flat on her face cuz she was so drunk. I was a full time babysitter. She quit for a while and started therapy. She refused to go to AA. She said it was for losers. Nice huh? 

She blamed me for not letting her drink. She said I held her to to high a standard and all she wanted to do was drink again. Well she is drinking again and I am NC day 6. What a horrible way to live.

[Jersey Roots]

 My exBPDgf consumed quite a bit of alcohol in 18+ months we were together. I thought it was a phase that she was going through due to a divorce. She played the victim of a bad 10 yr marriage. So I didn't think anything of it. But after a while something didn't seem right. I enjoy alcohol, but I stay well aware of my intake. She hid it well. Brushing her teeth before i came by. She hid her empty cans and bottles under the sink out of sight, she would have several drinks during the day so when I had a few in the evening, she was almost consuming 2X the amount before the night was over. She is a tall thin woman and I watched her drink an entire bottle of wine (750ml) on her own in under 2 hrs on an empty stomach. I have a long list of what I witnessed... .makes me so sad to have watched now that I look back. So yes... .on top of the BPD... .she was a heavy drinker.

[willtimeheal]

My exBPDgf consumed quite a bit of alcohol in 18+ months we were together. I thought it was a phase that she was going through due to a divorce. She played the victim of a bad 10 yr marriage. So I didn't think anything of it. But after a while something didn't seem right. I enjoy alcohol, but I stay well aware of my intake. She hid it well. Brushing her teeth before i came by. She hid her empty cans and bottles under the sink out of sight, she would have several drinks during the day so when I had a few in the evening, she was almost consuming 2X the amount before the night was over. She is a tall thin woman and I watched her drink an entire bottle of wine (750ml) on her own in under 2 hrs on an empty stomach. I have a long list of what I witnessed... .makes me so sad to have watched now that I look back. So yes... .on top of the BPD... .she was a heavy drinker.

Mine could polish off a bottle  of wine in an hour or two no problem. She is tall and thin also. She would often say " a bottle of wine is really just threes glasses. That's not a lot."

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I would not consider my ex an addict but she does use MDMA infrequently.  When we first met it was something that happened 4 times a year, not an issue in my book.  When she had a borderline breakdown at the end of the relationship lots of destructive behavior came out.  She didn't eat for two weeks.  The at the point of leaving me she went out to party and get high all weekend for 3 weeks.  She would take ectasy and use a vyvanse (amphetamine) prescription to function after the binge.  After that her brain simply ran out of seratonin and the mdma had diminished effects.  She jumped on the first guy that ask her out and moved in with him after one date.  So I would consider the dopamine rush of the new honeymoon phase to be her fix now.

The only persistant addiction she has is two packs of marlboros a day and 6 to 8 Dr Peppers.

[letmeout]

My ex was an alcoholic and daily pot user; he started when he was 13.  His father was an alcoholic too and both men were BPD and abusive to their wives.

[Penumbra66]

Her combination of innocence and fragility, camouflages a nasty mean spirited using emotional vampire... .shes in constant total survival mode and is always looking for an angle... .cant believe someone would like her for herself, love her... .because she cant relate. Sad. Tragic.

This. My ex seemed so innocent and vulnerable that my co dependent behaviors took over, although I often resented her neediness and lack of independence. Funny, but I googled "emotional vampire" way before I considered any personality disorder that she might have, such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. There were many, many times when I'd almost had enough and considered ending the relationship. So demanding of my time and attention, but at the same time I truly believed that her vulnerability meant that she understood what it was like to both need someone and provide to someone (me) that was also in need.

I guess those are my projections on her: care, compassion, trust, which are apparently the opposite of the typical borderline projections of fear, distrust, and dislike, at least in the devaluation stage.

What a deadly mistake I've made. I consider myself a pretty smart person, but obviously not smart enough to figure out what was going on here. People that haven't had experiences like this have no idea how soul destroying situations like this are. We can and do recover. It's been two months as of today since I've seen her, and it's only been in the last two days that I feel that shock starting to lift. I've always been a trusting person, but I know that it will be a difficult line between being naïve and completely jaded. I'd really rather I never had to deal with this, but in many ways I still pity her. I don't think her life will ever improve. At least I know that I'm capable of caring for someone else deeply.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Yup.  My ex was a former drug addict and alcoholic.   He started in his early teens.  His cocaine habit was really bad.   He quit drinking and drugging almost 20 years ago.   He continues to smoke a lot of weed.   

That is known as the marijuana maintenance program.

It's serious escape and drug addiction... if used daily... .people try to diminish pot smoking as not a serious problem. My take on that is, if you do that everyday then you are not here in the present and a healthy meaningful relationship with another human being has no real shot.

This is so true. I kept noticing how our whole relationship due to all her pot smoking shed just kind of only be half there never sharp enough or coherent to truly be active in anything about our relationship. She would also try to diminish her addiction to pot as being ok because she wasnt doing opiates.(shes an ex heroin addict) As if she deserved a pat on the back for the tradeoff. She went to NA/AA for a while but only for a triangulation with this guy that was her sponsor and still even as they told her shed need to quit smoking pot to get past the first step she refused... because shes so "special" and an exception to the rule.

Shed also drank frequently. Always Jager as that the only thing that could get her drunk according to her. Shed polish off a whole bottle and try to tell me she was pretty much sober... pshhh ok. She did have a high tolerance(especially for a 90 pound 5'4 dainty girl) but idc who you are you drink a bottle of hard liquor your gonna feel something! Shed get way more  confrontational and emotional on the sauce and tbh just started to be obnoxious. Also during our separation periods would drink more till she passed out. Her father is a major alcoholic and thats where she gets her tolerance from.(The man can out drink people twice his size and still function... well sort of)

And also did pretty much whatever she could get her hands on. Went through a benzo phase where i have to admit i liked her alot more. She actually was really cute sweet nice and for some reason was always wanting sex... Now shes back to opiates and possibly going as far as heroin. Even though after out last breakup she claimed to be cutting out the weed... yeah maybe in place of your real addiction... *sigh*

It honestly makes me question if she ever stopped using opiates or was just really good at hiding it with her lies and manipulations... guess ill never know for sure.

[Englishman]

The affair and her drug use started on the same day. I am struggling with the idea that her bad behavior is a combination of drug addiction, BPD, and the shame/guilt/desire/excitement of her affair. What I do know is that she seemed like a totally different person after the first time she got high, and five weeks later when she dumped me felt like a complete and total stranger. It was bizarre, because everything changed: her personality, her mannerisms, the way she walked, talked, her interests. It seemed like even her looks were somehow different. I should point out that she never actually appeared intoxicated. Just... .different.

I know exactly what you mean. i left LA for the summer and left my girlfriend of 10 years here for 4 months. She took this as abandonment... .and immediately found a drug dealer and was living with him two weeks later. Now she's given up her kids, her job, her family, her friends... .and she's about to loose her F-ing car. (cause it's in my name) But same thing... .I believe he has her on coke and she says that she's never been happier. Out clubbing til 3 or 4 am... .three nights a week... .and she's 45... .! Says things are great for her... .and this guy looks like Freddy Kruger on Meth... .she beautiful... .no one gets it!

[Infared]

The affair and her drug use started on the same day. I am struggling with the idea that her bad behavior is a combination of drug addiction, BPD, and the shame/guilt/desire/excitement of her affair. What I do know is that she seemed like a totally different person after the first time she got high, and five weeks later when she dumped me felt like a complete and total stranger. It was bizarre, because everything changed: her personality, her mannerisms, the way she walked, talked, her interests. It seemed like even her looks were somehow different. I should point out that she never actually appeared intoxicated. Just... .different.

I know exactly what you mean. i left LA for the summer and left my girlfriend of 10 years here for 4 months. She took this as abandonment... .and immediately found a drug dealer and was living with him two weeks later. Now she's given up her kids, her job, her family, her friends... .and she's about to loose her F-ing car. (cause it's in my name) But same thing... .I believe he has her on coke and she says that she's never been happier. Out clubbing til 3 or 4 am... .three nights a week... .and she's 45... .! Says things are great for her... .and this guy looks like Freddy Kruger on Meth... .she beautiful... .no one gets it!

It was her choice to be with him. ... .and if she is doing coke that is her choice too.  I am sure that there is no arm twisting going on there. If she is BPD they love living on the edge.

[maternal]

My ex was four years in recovery from a drug problem when I met him.  There was cocaine (and weed) involved, I'm not sure what else.  Doesn't matter.  He hadn't touched alcohol in those four years, either and hadn't smoked a cigarette since his ex wife had become pregnant with their son, who was 10 months old at the time.

He met his ex-wife in NA, and had, at some point before I met him, but after his recovery, painted NA completely black.

He did start drinking during our relationship, though never enough that it alarmed me or caused me to become worried.

[jo19854]

Hi, i had the same experience.

Drugs are most of the time the medicin for their underlaying issues.

But once an addiction develops, it takes over.

An intoxicated person lies, cheats, they say mean and frustrating things.

Most of the time they are more angry at themselves and take it out on the ones the most close to them.

Its Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Underlaying issues like Borderline are tough, and without help and openess chances of improvement are minimal.

But first the addiction has to be dealt with. An intoxicated person is not thinking and acting in a "normal" way.

Once sober, than there are better chances, but thats breaking a circle and a very difficult one.

Sorry for my errors, i am not english/american.

I hope you understand what i am trying to explain.

Stay strong, i know its very hard

[2014]

My uxbfBPD had been using coke & alcohol (vodka) for over ten years. When we started dating he was 1 month sober. The anxiety of our relationship made him start using again within 3 months. He is a high functioning BPD, worked 60 hours a week, so i suppose he used coke to keep up with being a workaholic as well.

He loved having sex marathons using coke and vodka to stay up all night. He also had a porn & sex addiction and was hooked on prostitutes. The excitement of a 'new body' was his way of acting out; the fantasy. He is very very wealthy, so money was never a problem with scoring coke and hiring high priced hookers.

My god… typing all this and reading it back myself… what was i thinking…

Oh and he was asking me; can you keep me in control? Cause i can't control myself. Can you save me, please save me… on our third date… yeah

I did not know anything about BPD back then, but i knew about co-dependency and i sure wasn't going to be one, that was another reason for being discarded.