Random what if thought on BPD recovery.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know this thought Im about to share has nothing to do with my well being but I'm just curious on others thoughts or input on it.


What if literally every single person a BPD sufferer came in contact with immediately left them? I mean everyone and literally immediately at the first sign of irratic behavior. No matter how pretty the female or how handsome the male BPD everyone they came in contact with on a dating level or friend level just left them alone immediately. How would that effect theyre recovery? Obviously in reality we know this does not happen but what if it did? What are your thoughts on this imaginary scenario.

[AG]

I know this thought Im about to share has nothing to do with my well being but I'm just curious on others thoughts or input on it.


What if literally every single person a BPD sufferer came in contact with immediately left them? I mean everyone and literally immediately at the first sign of irratic behavior. No matter how pretty the female or how handsome the male BPD everyone they came in contact with on a dating level or friend level just left them alone immediately. How would that effect theyre recovery? Obviously in reality we know this does not happen but what if it did? What are your thoughts on this imaginary scenario.

[Blimblam]

I have pondered this myself.  I have no idea. What I do know is in my terrible state if being it has been hard for me to maintain friendsHips.  They just seem so talented in not letting their condition prevent that.  I don't think it would lead to recovery. Probably a hermit state.

[AG]

I have pondered this myself.  I have no idea. What I do know is in my terrible state if being it has been hard for me to maintain friendsHips.  They just seem so talented in not letting their condition prevent that.  I don't think it would lead to recovery. Probably a hermit state.

I cleaned house with alot of friends throughout this ordeal I reevaluated who I wanted to keep away and who I wanted close. I have a large circle of friends that Ive known since childhood but I did notice a change or shift in who was distanced from me and who did not. I wouldnt blame them though we must seem quite awkward on the outside looking in being that to them they probably think its just a breakup why cant they just move on. It is what it is brother the quantity of friends doesnt matter but rather the quality. Id take one quality friend over mass quantity of bogus ones any day. As for your comment about the mask they wear to get friends or maintain them I admit I sometimes envy that particular skillset that they have. It appears to be mighty handy.

[Infern0]

I'm just realizing now that one of my "friends" who had a part to play in all this is likely NPD or SPD or whatever.  I don't care which.

He's someone who all my other friends dislike and has burned bridges with all around him, has belittled me for years to make himself feel better. I've been told to get away from him by all and sundry but as with BPDex I never listened,  and defended him.

The final straw came today where I realized he has no empathy whatsoever for myself and what I've been through.  Behind my back saying he's "happy" because this makes him look better.

He's actually psyched the BPDex out somehow and has her dancing to his tune and is only concerned with covering up fraudulent activities he has been conducting at work. He's actually got her to idealise him even though behind her back he's absolutely vile about her and always has been,  to her face he's her number 1 fan. It's so sick.

The pair of them are sick,  and this has hit me as a double blow. I'm so,  so stupid. Time to go complete ghost on the pair of them.  Forget no contact.  I don't even exist anymore as far as they are concerned.

At least my real friends are supporting me, I love them so much for standing by me, it's the only positive I can see in this hell I've landed in.

[Ihope2]

The pwBPD would implode!  They cannot carry all their stuff, the anguish, the dysphoria, the rage, the depression, the frustration, the boredom, the self-loathing, etc etc all by themselves. They NEED someone to project it all onto to find some temporary relief from the weight of it all. They need to find someone to take ownership of their stuff for them.

Without any other human contact/interaction they would find their own very existance unbearable and would probably self-destruct on the spot.

Mind you, total social isolation and lack of interaction has that effect on most people - we are not designed to live in isolation for any great length of time.  People go off the rails in isolation, personality disordered or not... .

[camuse]

Some people struggle to find a partner. Especially some men. They can spend years trying with zero success. What happens if they are BPD?

[SpringInMyStep]

They would just keep looking! My wife (we were poly anyway) never ever skipped a beat when we separated! She kept on dating and says she goes on like 3 dates a week and is also already in a r/s with another couple.

I honestly believe they do not acknowledge their dysfunction. This is why I'm so angry. Being around them is a study in self-control because they are allowed to flip out and rant and rave about anything and everything, but the minute we voice an opposing opinion, we're "bad".

[Rise]

How would that effect theyre recovery? Obviously in reality we know this does not happen but what if it did? What are your thoughts on this imaginary scenario.

I may be misreading things due to the headache I've got going on, but I think I need a little clarity on the question. Are we talking about someone that has BPD that is already in recovery, or trying to recover, and the affect it would have on them; or is the question whether or not this would force someone with BPD to seek help to get better?

[caughtnreleased]

Frankly? Someone with BPD or not, if everyone they came into contact with left them, it would probably drive them to severe depression and possible suicide. We need people around us... .and we need to know (even us nons) that if/when we lose control, that people will forgive us. 

What I think is needed with people with BPD, is not that people abandon them, but simply don't accept their "BAD" behavior.  I've been setting down boundaries with my uBPD mother, and while she continues to be her impossible self, I think she is also more cautious with me.   Because I no longer put myself in a situation where I depend on her (for food, lodging, etc)... .so that she cannot actually hold anything over my head to control me, I am free to leave whenever she behaves badly and I have done so.  It doesn't mean that I have disappeared, but that when her behaviour is no longer acceptable to me, I will leave.  She doesn't like that. She is hurt when I leave.  I know that.  And I know that she is suffering from the distance I have put between us.  Does it make her get help? No... .But after I laid down the law with her, I have seen her exercise restraint towards me (ie restraint of raging, and disparaging put downs and comments).   On the one hand, she is hurt by the distance, on the other, I think she has enormous respect for me... .it seems like they can only respect those who stick up for themselves and put distance between them and the pwBPD.

[AG]

How would that effect theyre recovery? Obviously in reality we know this does not happen but what if it did? What are your thoughts on this imaginary scenario.

I may be misreading things due to the headache I've got going on, but I think I need a little clarity on the question. Are we talking about someone that has BPD that is already in recovery, or trying to recover, and the affect it would have on them; or is the question whether or not this would force someone with BPD to seek help to get better?

Probably both. Meaning if they keep up with theyre ish then people just immediately leave. They rage once and people just leave. They get caught pathologically lying and just leave. Ect ect ect.

[AG]

Frankly? Someone with BPD or not, if everyone they came into contact with left them, it would probably drive them to severe depression and possible suicide. We need people around us... .and we need to know (even us nons) that if/when we lose control, that people will forgive us. 

What I think is needed with people with BPD, is not that people abandon them, but simply don't accept their "BAD" behavior.  I've been setting down boundaries with my uBPD mother, and while she continues to be her impossible self, I think she is also more cautious with me.   Because I no longer put myself in a situation where I depend on her (for food, lodging, etc)... .so that she cannot actually hold anything over my head to control me, I am free to leave whenever she behaves badly and I have done so.  It doesn't mean that I have disappeared, but that when her behaviour is no longer acceptable to me, I will leave.  She doesn't like that. She is hurt when I leave.  I know that.  And I know that she is suffering from the distance I have put between us.  Does it make her get help? No... .But after I laid down the law with her, I have seen her exercise restraint towards me (ie restraint of raging, and disparaging put downs and comments).   On the one hand, she is hurt by the distance, on the other, I think she has enormous respect for me... .it seems like they can only respect those who stick up for themselves and put distance between them and the pwBPD.

Hmmmm. I think mother and daughter relationship is probably a bit different. My experience with the putting the foot down thing is constantly having to reapply the foot down over and over and each time the acting out kept being upped a notch.

[drummerboy]

They just ditch anyone who doesn't accept their behaviour. I now know when mine started heading for the exit doors, when I made it clear that it was impossible to be around their behaviour but that I would be with them every step of the way if they wanted to start taking the steps to getting better. All too hard for her so NC almost instantly. Of course in her mind I abandoned her but there is little reality in a BPD mind. She went back to her enablers and presumably is happy (in a BPD sort of way) there.

What I think is needed with people with BPD, is not that people abandon them, but simply don't accept their "BAD" behavior. 

[Blimblam]

The enablers really upset me.  Especially the enablers that use them.  I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for the abandoned child within them. Enablers do not appreciate this part of them in any deep sort of way.

[Infern0]

The enablers really upset me.  Especially the enablers that use them.  I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for the abandoned child within them. Enablers do not appreciate this part of them in any deep sort of way.

Me too. Mine has this vile enabler around her all the time. I was one person who didn't abuse her, I knew she had issues "doing sexual favors for guys so they would stay friends with her" like what the heck.  And I was like well no way are we doing anything physical until we make a firm commitment to each other and are in a real rs.

Even though I was deep in FOG I still stuck to my morals even though it was so hard and when she tried to friendzone me after everything I walked away instead of being a benchwarmer and waiting to get picked again.

This dude she keeps in the friend zone though,  buys her gifts,  runs her errands and accepts her sexual favors when she gets triggered.

Absolutely vile,  spineless man. He makes my skin crawl.

[Blimblam]

Inferno the friends zone guy may think she's his gf.  The guys that get played I feel sorry for but the people that just say yes yes to any sort of story even when she's in the wrong that stuff bothers me. It is the users the people that use them that really gets to me.  They have zero appreciation for the good in them. It is real just not maybe the way we originally thought.

My ex was the kindest most giving person I ever met humble and sweet.  To fit in she would assume different personas this was the saddest part the persona of most of these people was shallow and narcisistic. The people who just take and take from her. She then goes to the end of the earth for these people and it's so sad to see her sacrifice herself like that.

[drummerboy]

The enablers that do the real damage are the parents IMO.

My ex's parents still treated her like a little girl doing crazy things like driving to her house to clean her room and answering her endless phone calls about her self created crisis. A therapist even told her parents to stop doing this, but they didn't. In her case the mother has some real issues herself and is one of those poor souls that "needs to be needed" because she's done nothing with her life.

The enablers really upset me.  Especially the enablers that use them.  I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for the abandoned child within them. Enablers do not appreciate this part of them in any deep sort of way.

[Infern0]

Inferno the friends zone guy may think she's his gf.  The guys that get played I feel sorry for but the people that just say yes yes to any sort of story even when she's in the wrong that stuff bothers me. It is the users the people that use them that really gets to me.  They have zero appreciation for the good in them. It is real just not maybe the way we originally thought.

My ex was the kindest most giving person I ever met humble and sweet.  To fit in she would assume different personas this was the saddest part the persona of most of these people was shallow and narcisistic. The people who just take and take from her. She then goes to the end of the earth for these people and it's so sad to see her sacrifice herself like that.

Who knows what's going on with friend zone guy tbh I always shook my head at that weird situation but I just laughed at it at the time. Looking back it might be a lot more sinister than I realize.  I don't really care to know the ins and outs of it.

[Infern0]

The enablers that do the real damage are the parents IMO.

My ex's parents still treated her like a little girl doing crazy things like driving to her house to clean her room and answering her endless phone calls about her self created crisis. A therapist even told her parents to stop doing this, but they didn't. In her case the mother has some real issues herself and is one of those poor souls that "needs to be needed" because she's done nothing

I agree with this to some extent. Mines parents lavish her with money,  gifts etc and her mother talks to her like she's a little girl.  I used to think her mum was a bit touched because my BPD seemed like a normal person but yet her mum treats her like a baby.

My BPD told me once how she called her mother to get her credit card details to buy some shoes online and because her mum couldn't find the card in like 30 seconds she told her to f off and never talk to her again.

Red flags,  oh the red flags

But put yourself in the parents shoes.  Maybe they just think the only way to be in their daughters life is to be enablers.  It's messed up but I can't imagine having to deal with a child like that.  We can break free of them but if they are flesh and blood what do you do?

[Rise]

Probably both. Meaning if they keep up with theyre ish then people just immediately leave. They rage once and people just leave. They get caught pathologically lying and just leave. Ect ect ect.

I may be wrong, but I suspect this actually happens in a lot cases. Not everyone that dates a person with BPD gets pulled into a relationship with them the way we have. My ex gets into very few long term relationships (by that I mean a relationship that lasts more than a month), despite dating a ton of guys. I have to believe at least some of this is due to people seeing the red flags and walking away before they get caught up in it all.

[AwakenedOne]

"The enablers that do the real damage are the parents IMO."

Just remember that there is a reason our partner developed BPD and from what I have read there are high odds that one or both of the parents played a role in it. Both played a role with my ex. Especially her fkd up evil covert incest abusing "mother". The enabling you see now is either the parents shame for causing it and/or because they are mentally disordered also.

[drummerboy]

Totally agree! In my case I strongly suspect that my ex was sexually abused at an early age. She used to joke that she was raped in a past life to explain her sexual problems, (Vaginimus for 10 years) she also told a story about tipping her younger brother out of his crib when he was a baby so probably some major abandonment issues when the new baby brother arrived and got the parents attention. I actually feel very sorry for the set of life circumstances that have caused her to be the way she is.

"The enablers that do the real damage are the parents IMO."

Just remember that there is a reason our partner developed BPD and from what I have read there are high odds that one or both of the parents played a role in it. Both played a role with my ex. Especially her fkd up evil covert incest abusing "mother". The enabling you see now is either the parents shame for causing this and/or because they are just mentally disordered also.