Psychotic/dissociative episodes

[Harlygirl]

Has anyone witnessed a psychotic or severe dissociative episode in which their pwBPD demonstrated impulsive sex that seemed detached, disconnected, and/or emotionless?

[antlen]

Yes,

I experienced this with my ex.  One minute she was all over me, next minute she was in tears then a few hours later she was begging me for it.  When I finally did give in (wish now I hadn't) it felt like I was sleeping with someone who wasn't mentally there (just going through the motions).  It was a very weird experience to say the least.

[Recooperating]

I have witnessed psychotic episodes, but never associated with sex... .

Did you have an experience with that?

Sounds rather awefull and somewhat abusive... .

[Harlygirl]

My experience occurred at the end of the relationship.  My having to move to a different town seemed to trigger his abandonment fears. This, even though he had been barely speaking to me, unless to tell me not to reach out to him. Distancing himself meant that it was likely he was engaging a replacement.  I was looking for closure.  He, had shattered into a million tiny little pieces.  He was like a frightened animal, clearly acting on an impulse that he was emotionally detached from.  I was trying to soothe him. It is frightening to look back on it now.  Especially knowing it was likely that I was not the only one he was engaging with in this way, at that time.  Or that it was likely part of a long history of trauma, or rather a re-experiencing of a prior trauma.  As if he were having sex with someone else other than me.  He was so disconnected from the experience of being with me.  Was he ever with me?  It is scary that I had become part of that trauma... .

[Rise]

I don't have direct first hand knowledge of this, but I think my ex had a similar experience. Keep in mind, this is pretty much all a second hand story so I can't verify all parts, but this is what happened to the best of my knowledge.  A few years ago, my ex had an absolute melt down after being discarded by the guy she was with at the time. She was having more dissociative episodes than I've ever experienced in close to ten years of knowing her. Not long after being dumped, she took a trip to New York to see a friend from high school. During the trip apparently she ended up coming on to him and they slept together. Her sister and I talked about what was going on a few months later, and her sister told me my ex only knew she slept with the guy because he kept emailing her about it. Even years later now she still claims to have no memory of what happened.

[Harlygirl]

Holy ****! :'(

[myself]

Yes. There were many times it seemed like she was turning into someone else, using a different voice, moving differently. She'd change, rage, and leave. Those would be the times when we were broken up and she was gone. Because she had to go be another side of herself? The more I look back at it, reading the emails, filling in the gaps with memories, it seems that's what was happening. The depths of her moods would drastically shift, more than she had another personality. It's hard to describe, and I'm only going on what I saw some of. She kept a lot of it hidden. There were times she was obviously in a whacked out reality, yes. That's when what she did was scary. I don't want to tell those stories tonight. But, yes. And she'd done it before.

[Infern0]

Not during sex but for sure she had serious episodes of drastic personality shift, the worst one being "god-gate" in which she called me raving about how God had appeared to her and was going to lead her into the light etc. She sounded like a brainwashed fanatic,  I'd never seen anything like it.  I just sort of mumbled through the conversation offering support.  But it was confusing and disorienting to say the least.  There was a ton of other smaller issues too but that episode really did me some damage.

[Take2]

My ex displayed a few total psychotic episodes to me but none during sex... .but he did appear totally removed (for lack of a better word) multiple times during sex.  It was as if he were a different person at those times.   I felt no connection to me like I normally would.   The last time he was like that he wrapped his hands around my throat as if to choke me but he didn't.

He wondered why I wasn't smiling afterwards. ... .  Gee I don't know. ... maybe the passing thought that you were thinking of choking me ?

[Hopeless777]

Sex for her over the two years before final split was just self medication. What really scared me was the total inability to recall things she had obviously done in the prior 24 hours. Like hiding my wedding ring, and after I searched hysterically, "finding" it in the bottom of a vase of flowers and swearing she didn't know how it got there. In the end these became daily occurrences. I ran for my life. How sad.

[Split black]

Sex for her over the two years before final split was just self medication. What really scared me was the total inability to recall things she had obviously done in the prior 24 hours. Like hiding my wedding ring, and after I searched hysterically, "finding" it in the bottom of a vase of flowers and swearing she didn't know how it got there. In the end these became daily occurrences. I ran for my life. How sad.

Before I left the area a month ago... .she bit my lip so hard it brought blood... .she was always wasted, and sometimes did not recall what we did. Her personality shifts so many times its unreal, shes either into me ( while claiming shes doing me a great favor allowing me to have sex with her, and demanding gifts and money) or just being a total ass. I usually shut it down... .she will then rant about how I stress her out more then anyone... .huh? Who else? lmao. 

I havent spoken to her... .but Im going back to NY for a week, I have to... .and I find myself fighting a desire to reconnect. Her last words to me were... .I love you now that you are gone. Imu etc... .and I called her a week after I settled in and she said she never said that... .I sent her the texts... .she got very angry and said WHY are you sending me old texts?  Then texted BYE! and " Yeah, I dont miss u"  That was just a week after mad sex and her being incredibly sweet... .Im sure she wasted no time eh opening herself up to her rotation. Fu*king INSANE. Same pattern over and over and over.

[Blimblam]

Not during sex. I did see her have psychotic episodes where the terrified abandoned child surfaced and later on she had no recollection of what transpired.  It was so bizarre and trying to understand what happened drove me insane how she could not remember this.  She changed so much after this point.  Then she began to hang out with other people and assume their identities and then she was trully lost.  For a brief moment I saw who she really is underneath everything and it is so sad. The people that enable her to run from herself have no idea who they are.

[Infern0]

Not during sex. I did see her have psychotic episodes where the terrified abandoned child surfaced and later on she had no recollection of what transpired.  It was so bizarre and trying to understand what happened drove me insane how she could not remember this.  She changed so much after this point.  Then she began to hang out with other people and assume their identities and then she was trully lost.  For a brief moment I saw who she really is underneath everything and it is so sad. The people that enable her to run from herself have no idea who they are.

I saw that side too. Only once.  I really didn't have a clue what was happening but she was completely honest with me during that state,  admitting all the things that had happened to her and that she had done to other people.

She would only let a few lines out at a time,  with loong pauses in between. I took over the conversation and tried "steering" her and comforting. In the end I sent her home to bed as it was late and she was distressed so I told her it was ok go home and get some sleep and we will sort it tomorrow

I wish I'd just let her talk to be honest.  I'm sure she had more to say.

The very next day she had snapped back into dillusion.  I went to meet her thinking ok we can have a talk she'll be a bit more composed and we can start working on these issues. But nope,  she only wanted to talk about her jewelry and other nonsense

[Blimblam]

Inferno.

That part of them is like their deepest secret.  The tormented soul. That part of them feels all the emotions they hide from.  It is really incredible to witness that part of them is perhaps the most authentic I have ever seen a person be. The core of her being.  Heck I only for a few brief moments have encountered the core of my own being. I doubt I will ever see the core being of another soul ever again.

[Infern0]

Inferno.

That part of them is like their deepest secret.  The tormented soul. That part of them feels all the emotions they hide from.  It is really incredible to witness that part of them is perhaps the most authentic I have ever seen a person be. The core of her being.  Heck I only for a few brief moments have encountered the core of my own being. I doubt I will ever see the core being of another soul ever again.

A lot of people involved with BPD never seemed to get to see that side. I've spoken to her ex and he never saw that. She never admitted anything to him just straight idealisation to hater without that part.

I don't suppose it matters,  but do you think that because we got to see that maybe you know they did have some real love for us. If only for an instant?

I'll never forget that hour or so.  I saw the real person the real her,  she told me she was trying to open up to me, there was no B.S. I don't know how I feel about it but at least I know there was some moment of realness that few ever see

[Blimblam]

It depends inferno. But it was real.  You saw what you saw and for me with my ex I'm the only person that ever saw that side of her. She broke down and was like repenting all her sins basically. It was a life changing experience for me.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I had an experience with this during sex once with my BPDex (towards the end of our relationship). I don't know if I thought of is as dissociative in the moment-- in my head I thought "this isn't her, this is BPD that I'm sleeping with here" (it was still in my time when I thought there was the "real" her and then there was the BPD). I can't quite put my finger on why it felt that way-- I think she felt detached and not quite there to me. And then when it was over she just got up and left. It felt emotionally brutal to me. When we talked about it later, she apologized and said that sex usually made her feel better when she was upset, but not that time. This is a painful memory.