I feel lonely

[Mountaineagle]

Hello good people! I'm not new here, it has been avile since my last post. Soon it will be 2 years since I left my exBPDgf. In the meantime I have had a pretty bad depression from witch I am still recovering. I had some contact with her last year in late spring, but she lied to me about not having a boyfriend. That hurt alot and sent me to a hospital. That made me serious about NC. I installed an app on my phone that blocked her calls. This summer I made a decicion to remove myself a little from the digital world and gave away my TV, laptop and ipad. And I switched to an old phone. Things were going really well but now she has tried to call me twice in the last 2 weeks. The last time today. I did not answer. I think I have some PTS issues with her because it really gets to me. I had just barely recovered from her last attempt. I know I have feelings for her, but I know I can not be with her. The contradicting feelings makes me naucious. And I am REALLY lonely. I dont have anyone to unload this to. The whole incident has isolated me. Or I isolated myself, to protect myself.

Sorry for incohesive writing and glaring spelling errors. English is not my native language and I do not have the energy to spell check.

[Tolou]

mountain eag . sorry  to hear  that you are hurting still . two years is similar to my end with her and it has  been over one year no contact for me, and chose to walk away and go n.c.  it's hard I see her at work and  I remained isolated at work because it steer s me clearly away from her. islsolatin yourself is not the best idea if you can or do have support. that contradicting feeling haunts me too because I have days where I think it was me or I could have... .I can't change the past, and thou I have my lonely moments it is better than living  in insanity with someone  who can not meet my needs or respect my boundaries or relate to me in a healthy way. remembering that keeps me grounded that though it still hurts I chose to respect love and take care of me. when  I ruminate I hit the gym keep myself busy. I changed  my numbers no  one she knows has them.she can talk to me at work if she really needed to but I ignored her so much and withstood the smear  campaign that now she is mirroring my n.c. however n.c. was not to punish her it was because contact with her was unhealthy and painful  for  me. she's not rational and  I  am a trigger now. though I once held the belie that she was the one I know she's not, she needs help that I can't provide. you need to stop isolating yourself and begin to provide yourself with the very love you are seeking and deserve, no one knows what you need better than you. and being lonely is better  than being used, when you learn love and know yourself hopefully you Wil attract the same, use this as an opportunity to grow.

[PhoenixBlack]

Hi Mountaineagle,

I'm sorry that you're hurting too and no-one should be lonely like this. I remember how lonely I felt in the immediate aftermath of my breakup but my friends helped me through those critical first few days and weeks. I know, you said it's been two years, but there are no rules as to how long it should take to feel better. Sometimes I ask them my friends listen to me some more and it gets me through the bad days - when I'm feeling low and irrational.

Sure, isolate yourself from this girl and the toxic relationship, but don't push away the very people that could help you. And of course the good people here will always listen. Hang in there.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you! The good thing about this forum is that someone can relate. The good thing is that my condition is not nearly as bad as it was, and I bounce back farily quick compared. I am improving but these contact atempts has triggered me hard.  When I "fled", I left the part of the country where she is. I'm sorry you have to share work with her, Tolou! I don't know how I would deal with that. Leaving also meant that I left a lot of friends. But then again, I have always been "alone". Today I just feel it more. It was strange to see that she still tries to call me, due to the app I installed last year I have not seen the attempts. And a part of me wonders what she wants, if it is something practical, a part of me is smug because she still tries, a part of me is scared s***less because it reminds me of the emotional abuse, and a part of me is totaly cool and willing to ignore the whole thing. All these feelings and thoughts, and more, tug at me. And I know that a little conversation will sort it out, then I have no one to call. It is a real blessing to be able to post this here and be heard. It actually helps alot. Again thank you so much!

[Tolou]

anytime mountain. we face our own obstacles and challenges in these relationships what  I have learned from some of the wisdom here is always learning to self reflect and taking back this power and control. we're all going to have the  good and bad day's that's when we need  to take the best care  of ourselves. one contact can set us back and it just shows that our bonds and attachments towards detachment are all uniquely different.