Did their behvavior eventually rub off on you?

[workinprogress]

I know all about personal accountability and responsibility, but did any of their behavior rub off on you?

I know after years of my wife being jealous and accusing me of cheating, I began to wonder what she was up to.  I began asking her if there was someone else, primarily because there was nothing going on between us.

I will be open and honest here, I think my affair had a lot to do with all of the anger I had inside about the marriage.  The years of not being allowed to touch her.  Only having sex a couple of times a year and not being allowed to use my hands to touch her when we did.

Then, discovering some of the sexual stuff she was saying to other people. 

One of the worst things was seeing a text saying how much she loved to perform oral sex when I hadn't had oral sex in years.

Having an affair was totally against my value system.  I believe that it was something that I would never do, yet I found myself angry enough and weak enough to do it.

So, has their behavior rubbed off on you negatively or have you found yourself doing things uncharacteristic of yourself?

[Molly Cule]

I can recognize how some of my behaviors were similar to my uBPDh.  However, I realize now that a lot of times it was in defense to his actions, or I felt like it was the only way to communicate back with him.  Now the more I read up on BPD, the more I try to recognize the patterns and cycles of his emotions and am able to anticipate his responses more- and I am more prepared to stop the behavior from my side.

[Moselle]

I think it's asolutely inevitable. No one can play with the pigs, and not get muddy. Even our values shift in compensation.

PS She didn't look like a piggie when I met her LOL :-)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey w-i-p, Agree w/Moselle: almost impossible to avoid in a BPD r/s.  They're called fleas   .   if you're in a r/s with a pwBPD, you're bound to pick up some of his/her destructive behaviors.  It's like a virus; if you're not careful, it's easy to get infected.  LuckyJim

[Pingo]

Paranoia.  This is what I have acquired after being with my very paranoid uBPDexh for 4 yrs.  Paranoid of him invading my privacy (still), somehow getting access to my computer or phone conversations, email messages, etc.  Paranoid he has a tracking devise on my car.  Paranoid that he is still watching me somehow.  He could never fully relax, he was hyper vigilant and considered himself a 'prepper', always waiting for a disaster where the world goes for a ___... .Now I am the hyper vigilant one

[Moselle]

Someone said to me. you show empathy for people at work, in your social space, with strangers, but not with your wife. Why is that?. This is definitely an issues which has rubbed off. She has none for me, so why should I for her. It's not right, but it's a flea I'm working on in DBT with Alan Fruzzetti's book "the conflict couple"

[Vatz]

yet I found myself angry enough and weak enough to do it.

Angry, yes. Weak? NO!

Look, what you did wasn't really that bad. Her affair is pretty awful and I know what you mean, sort of. Things she said to others, she's also said to me so it's not quite the same.

Anyway, the real issue here is you. I don't mean that in a negative way, not necessarily. I want you to think about why you hold yourself to such a high standard. Affairs happen, people cheat. It also means you're just as capable. Not a bad thing, it just IS.

It may have gone against your values, but being in a virtually sexless relationship isn't exactly healthy either. Why does strict adherence to this value matter to you so much? Is it because somewhere, deep down, you think if you play by those rules, so will she? Or is there something you're trying to capture, some life event you're trying to rewrite?

You did what you did. Don't look at it as a moment of weakness. She wasn't even TRYING to develop a healthy sexual relationship with you. You basically took it upon yourself to get your needs met. I think there's a distinction between one not fully able to meet your needs, and one who doesn't even try. Don't hurt the one who's trying, and don't mind the one who isn't.

As for what rubbed off on me? Normal people seem so strange. I feel nervous around em, I'm always afraid I'll say or do something inappropriate. There's this raving crazy guy who walks around near where I work. I 'get' him better than regular people, I know what to say to him and how to deal with him. I look at other people my age and maybe a little older and I feel stunted compared to them. I'm making friends, but often I still feel like I'm interacting with them from behind a window. I guess that's always sort of been with me, but it's gotten worse since I've been with her. I don't feel right in the head. Could just be the depression.

[Ihope2]

My    were that I became very withdrawn and angry in the time we lived together.  Not necessarily with him, because with him I was over-compensating, and people pleasing and bending over backwards most of the time to make things "right" between us.

I was angry towards the rest of the world. Much like him, I guess!

I was also anxious, and permanently stressed out. Like him.

I was heading for depression. Like him.

I was losing my joy.  Like him.

I was looking at life from a very negative perspective. Like him.

I am now trying to de-flea myself!  Do they make flea collars for humans? 

[Lucky Jim]

Ihope2,

Ditto.  LOL about flea collar!

LuckyJim

[workinprogress]

yet I found myself angry enough and weak enough to do it.

Angry, yes. Weak? NO!

Look, what you did wasn't really that bad. Her affair is pretty awful and I know what you mean, sort of. Things she said to others, she's also said to me so it's not quite the same.

Anyway, the real issue here is you. I don't mean that in a negative way, not necessarily. I want you to think about why you hold yourself to such a high standard. Affairs happen, people cheat. It also means you're just as capable. Not a bad thing, it just IS.

It may have gone against your values, but being in a virtually sexless relationship isn't exactly healthy either. Why does strict adherence to this value matter to you so much? Is it because somewhere, deep down, you think if you play by those rules, so will she? Or is there something you're trying to capture, some life event you're trying to rewrite?

You did what you did. Don't look at it as a moment of weakness. She wasn't even TRYING to develop a healthy sexual relationship with you. You basically took it upon yourself to get your needs met. I think there's a distinction between one not fully able to meet your needs, and one who doesn't even try. Don't hurt the one who's trying, and don't mind the one who isn't.

Very good questions, Vatz.   I think I am trying to capture my entire life.  I am really disappointed where I am at in life in general.  I am working hard on changing things.

I read a good quote from R. Clement Stone last night (I was reading some self-improvement lit) and he said you should review your goals for your life at least a half an hour a day.  That is one of the things that I am doing.

I keep reviewing my life and I think, "if only I had done this or that differently."  It may cause some temporary pain, but it is helpful in making future life decisions.

As for cheating on someone who was making an effort, I never would have done that.  If her friend hadn't been so persistent with me I wouldn't have cheated on my wife.  Also, over-hearing her make fun of me to her friends didn't help either.

Also, I have always tried to hold myself to higher than attainable standards.  I'm getting to the root of that also.

Thanks for all of your observations and questions.