Dealing with fallout emotionally after ending things

[Miss Topaz]

I left my (at the time) untreated BPD bf after he dumped me yet again about six weeks ago after just over 18 months together. I have moved through the boards to here. He came crawling back when finally something shifted in him but this time I stopped pleading and decided to start saying no. He is now in therapy and we still communicate via watsapp ( phone messaging) from time to time. He accepts we are done and his working on getting better.

I feel very lonely without him but relieved. The biggest issue is confronting the fact what I experienced may have been emotional abuse when I loved him so much and respect him as a person. It makes me worry I don't know what love is and now I'm dysfunctional. I am ashamed of how weak I was and what I accepted.

Just need some support from people who get it.

[enlighten me]

Hi Miss topaz

Yes I totally get it. Whether we like it or not we were subjected to abuse and by someone we loved and who we thought loved us.

I also have felt the shame of what I accepted but have come to realise that it was a slow process of brain washing that allowed for this to happen. If someone had come up to me in the street and did what my exgf did then I would never have stood for it but because of the slow way it was done and the fact that I had fallen for all of her stories then I was left wide open.

The best thing to do is learn from this experience and move on. Easier said than done I know but it is possible.

[Confused?]

I can tell you one thing and one thing only in my experience. He is probably not in therapy. I was fed the exact bs. They use it as a tool to get confidence and an ego boost from you exactly like they did the entire relationship. It is a form of manipulation mine used to basically say look how good I am doing working on myself before utterly destroying me. It gives us hope by saying wow look they really want to get better but you have to remember getting better for them is accepting that everything in their entire life has been one big fantasy lie full of people they hurt badly with games lies and manipulations.

[Confused?]

I advise nc. Continuing to talk to someone that you obviously care about but can't be with is a no win situation for you. Arguments will happen. You will keep holding on hope. May recycle. And ultimately you will be replaced and in an even worse position because you will be depressed and thinking he's happy. I know the feeling. But talking to him is a trigger for you of mixed emotions. He can keep it up for as long as you let him. All it will leave you is in a zombie state of not knowing who you are anymore.

[Confused?]

I too felt the same way as you and still do but I'm doing a lot better. Like everyone here you did everything for your exBPD. It really sucks to be treated like that I know. But they hurt those closest to them. They don't know any better. It's better to just work on yourself for now. I lost a lot of self confidence since mine ended. But eating healthy and working out and hanging out with friends is a great tool. Started doing all the things I loved doing before I met her. All the things I lost during our relationship. I suggest you do the same. It's ok to reflect on what happened but don't think too much into it. Bpd has a series of failed relationships for a reason. I'm sure close to everyone here was fed the "you are my soulmate" line.

[Infern0]

I can tell you one thing and one thing only in my experience. He is probably not in therapy. I was fed the exact bs. They use it as a tool to get confidence and an ego boost from you exactly like they did the entire relationship. It is a form of manipulation mine used to basically say look how good I am doing working on myself before utterly destroying me. It gives us hope by saying wow look they really want to get better but you have to remember getting better for them is accepting that everything in their entire life has been one big fantasy lie full of people they hurt badly with games lies and manipulations.

Agree 100%

Mine talked about getting therapy,  about religion being able to help her,  about wanting to get better but nothing ever came of it.  "I want to get better" it's just words and BPD words rarely count for much

As soon as the black paint came out she was "fine" and I was the insane person who needed help