How do you renew your commitment to your family when you are used up?

[HealingSpirit]

I love my DD17. I know I do. I gave birth to her. I raised her. I am her mother. I just don't feel love right now. My T says love isn't a feeling. Intellectually, I know this. Love is an action, a behavior, a commitment, a devotion to the well-being of another.

What I feel now is empty. When I let my emotions surface, I feel sadness, despair, and something akin to hopelessness that (fortunately) is NOT quite as bad as hopelessness. Thankfully, I DO still feel hope that things WILL eventually get better.  I just feel so burnt out right now, I don't want to deal with my ADHD/ BPDD or my Ass-pergers/ ADD husband!

I need a break.  I need peace. I need my house to stay uncluttered from DH and DD's "ADHD trail" for more than 1 day after the housekeepers leave. I need to be able to sit down in my own home ---without having to move their stuff first. I need to have fun without the constant threat that it will be interrupted by someone's drama. I need freedom to have some uncluttered space and time for myself without being accused of being "selfish." I need to "BE selfish." I need to sleep through the night without medication.

My DD is home from the midwest until she turns 18 next month. October.  There is nothing I can do to stop her from moving there to live with her BF. I have accepted that. I get it. She needs to learn things her own way. But she picks fights with me, and then cries how she HATES living with DH and me because  "we" (DD and me) are "always" fighting.  I do not fight. I validate, I empathize, and I listen. If I try to say anything in my own defense, or disagree with her, THEN "we fight."

I have read and am still reading books and learning about BPD.  I just haven't found any information yet about how to handle the cognitive dysregulation and memory dysregulation my DD presents.  I hope Valerie Porr's book addresses this.  I'm in the middle of reading it now.

My DD says things that sound like lies about me, about her father, her friends, her teachers, her pets, and her past. And, I believe SHE believes what she is saying.  That is different from lying. Lying means you KNOW you are not telling the truth. My DD observes and remembers things differently than everyone else, so she thinks she is telling the truth. How do you deal with that? THIS, above ALL her other symptoms, is what makes me KNOW, I am dealing with a crazy person. My DD has a bonafide mental illness. Either that, or I am losing my mind.

Yesterday, on my way to take DD to the chiropractor for her stiff neck, she told me she had a job interview at 2:00, and she needed to be home in time to shower and change first. No problem! It was only 10:45. I also had a chiro appointment at the same time in the same office.  We were done at noon, but the doc said my upper back muscles were very tight and he recommended 15 minutes of massage therapy to relax my upper back. DD told me, "Have the massage on your own time. I need to go now." (Too bad. I made her wait 15 minutes.) So after we were both done with all our treatments, it was 12:20. Still plenty of time to get her home, showered and changed for her interview at 2:00.  DD was fuming when I came out. She told me she had to reschedule the interview because I made her late. She said they wanted her there at 1:00.  (Huh? First she said 2:00.) She was pissed at me! She said it was all my fault for being selfish at the chiropractor when it was supposed to be HER visit. So much for my loosened up back muscles.

Last month, I told DD my paycheck was short because the office where I work has been very slow this past month. So I've been working fewer hours, so we need to watch our spending right now and can't give her money. She told her BF, "My mom has been ditching work to go shopping, so money is tight and they won't help me." (Huh?)

Last year, DD told us our 13-yo dog had been having seizures and that she was dying while DH and I were on vacation. DD took the dog to the vet who supposedly recommended putting the dog to sleep right then and there. We were still 2 days from home. In a panic, I asked my mom drive 80 miles to our house to check on the dog and assess whether she was as ill as DD said. She wasn't dying. (Whew!) Got home to a very relieved looking dog 2 days later. Our dog is STILL fine today, just old. Poor old thing just missed us while we were gone! We haven't seen a single seizure. Ever.

I cannot have a rational conversation with DD, unless DD does all the talking, AND unless I don't disagree with anything she says. But I won't validate the invalid. I can't. It isn't in my nature.

I feel like a turtle lately, hiding in my shell. I'm afraid to stick my nose out because my DD17 is there waiting to poke at me and hurt me. I know she is hurting too. She needs me, but she keeps driving me back into my shell because of her own pain. I can't be emotionally present with her because that would require me to be emotionally vulnerable. I can't do that right now.  I don't know where to find the strength or stamina for it.

I have been doing the best self-care I know how. Jacuzzi, reading, painting, hair care, chiropractic, walks and lunches with friends, snuggles with my Doxies, coming here to this board. Oh, and of course, Prozac! It isn't enough. Two glasses of wine or martinis every night isn't enough--- but I know that is too much. I'm a bottomless pit of self-care right now, but I can't seem to find my center.

What do you do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello healingspirit

I don't have any wonderful answer- i think that you are doing all you can.

At one point I lived your life-I can so relate to the "lies" that aren't really lies because the person with BPD seems to believe them.

The only thing that I can add is that starting my own mindfulness meditation practice helped a lot.

Sometimes all we can do is keep our heads up and keep walking forward-but it is very hard work emotionally.

Its a good thing that you are keeping your own life going-lunches with friends etc.

Just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel-can also relate to the domestic drudge syndrome with everyone else creating a mess for us to endlessly  clear up 

[js friend]

HI healingspirit,

For a while i did a bit of voluntary work which really helped. It was a win win really. giving something and having something else to focus on outside BPD  helped me to feel like i was a productive individual  again with a purpose in life,and not just to be used as a beating stick by my dd to be abused and lied to. Doing things for other people who actually appreciated it did me a world of good.

Btw MY guess is that your dd was feeling abandoned and possibly made up the story about your dog to get you home quicker.my dd has also  done the same kind of thing on a few occasions. I think that my dd also has a memory issues, and gets confused easily and then there are times when she outright lies about things

[Elbry]

Hi healingspirit,

Last week I felt like you.  I still feel some of the things you feel, that despair and hopelessness.  When my DD overdosed again last week, I was so angry and I felt detached from her and I didn't even want to see her.  Just so tired of everything, just worn out and just done.

I can also relate to the lies that are not really lies because she believes them.  Sometimes, I almost question my own memory or sanity because we remember and describe the same event so differently.  I know everyone has their own reality, and everyone experiences things in their own way, but DD seems to have this twisted, distorted perception that makes me go "huh?"

Keep up the self-care.  Sounds like you really try to make that a priority, as you should.  I am really lacking in that department.  Hang in there!

[tristesse]

Hi Healing Spirit,

I am so so sorry that you are struggling. I get it, I totally one hundred percent feel your pain. I relate to you and what you are going through with your dd.

My dd also remembers events completely differently from everybody else, and tells complete untruths about myself and the rest of the family.

I think it must be the horrors of BPD.

I think you have done and are doing all that you can. The helplessness that we feel is just us being loving caring parents.

I just went through hell, very recently, with my BPDd, and I absolutely hated her and my life during that time. I couldn't stand to be in the same house with her, let alone the same room.

But, it did get better. We have found a temporary calm, and for that I am so thankful. 

I hope you find some peace relatively soon, and I hope you know that you are not alone in this fight.

big hug to you.

[HealingSpirit]

  ((BIG HUGS)) To all of you!

And THANK YOU!

It really helps knowing I'm not the only one. I needed the validation you all gave because in my life, with my little family, the "emotional intelligence" I have does not always work. Then I get frustrated, and my skills go down the drain, along with my energy.

I do think I need some daily (ok, maybe hourly) focus on mindfulness. That is one area where I have been slacking. It does help to connect to the spiritual realm (God) to feel connected to the Now, and to the Universe. That is how I can usually find my gratitude... .for everything.

Volunteering also sounds like a great way to "feel and see" my skills working with people who notice and appreciate me. I do get a lot of satisfaction working in my Dad's dental office. His patients love me and appreciate the warmth and validation I give them. And they tell me so! Naturally, in a dental office, we see a lot of anxiety, as I'm sure you can imagine. So I'm becoming a pro at easing people's nerves. Validation goes a long way out in the non-BPD world. It really does! But at home, not so much.

I had a great day yesterday, (worked 1/2 day, lunch w my GF, got my hair colored, then DD suggested we watch a movie together). Still, it wasn't enough. I think the worst days are when I do everything right to restore myself and I still feel empty.  Hearing from YOU ALL this morning was a wonderful way to wake up today. So thank you again.

 

And in the words of Dory, the fish in Finding Nemo... ."Just keep swimming. Gotta keep swimming, swimming swimming. La LaLaLa La La!"

[raytamtay3]

I'm glad to read that you do make an effort to take care of you. We all have to reserve SOME time for ourselves to recharge our batteries and just get away from the situation we are faced with.  You are not selfish at all.  You are doing what you need to do to be all that you can be to help your loved ones.

Is there anyway you can do a girls weekend like I'm doing next month? To just get away for a few days and really relax?  

[HealingSpirit]

Is there anyway you can do a girls weekend like I'm doing next month? To just get away for a few days and really relax? 

Yes! I'm calling my sister to set this up TODAY. She lives in a beautiful, beach community in So Cal about 2 hours from where I live. I'm overdue for a visit with her.

[PyneappleDays]

I am so with you

When I close my eyes I'm in a house that I decorated that's clean and a fridge and pantry of food that I love (the way I use to cook).  When I get home the dog is ready to go on a run and I throw something at the cat to get off my white duvet.  I look forward to family and friends coming and going on the weekend like it use to be. A hug occationally.

The phone rings and I'm back to the silent treatment in house that isn't mine from a daughter that sometimes hates me but needs me more then I want in a way I don't want.

Neither one of them wonder what I need or a way to dig through the red tape to get it.   I'm just tired of dealing with both of it but I'm the one that will end up in councilling.  At least at some point one of them will stoll in and say I'm not doing right by them and I'll pay for it.

[jellibeans]

Healing spirit

You sound like you are living my life... .my dd has all those same problems. Could it be your dd was nervous about the job interveiw so it was easier to blame you and cancel then go? That is something my dd would have done... .picked a fight so she didn't have to go somewhere. She also has a very different memory from everyone else. There is always a grain of truth but a lot of it is just plain made up.

I am glad you are going to get away... .that helps me a great deal. I have a trip planned next month. One thing I wanted to memtion to you was about your prozac... .My dd never did well on that med... .she was irritable and still depressed. Do you think prozac might be having that effect on you?

Take care... .

[slimmiller]

One of the best things I read to help regain my footing was 'Stop caretaking the Narcissist and the Borderline'

To regain my sanity and mindfullness, I read 'The Eden Project'

"The best thing you can do for your relationship with others is to tend to your own individuation"

A quote by James Hollis (The Eden Project)

In other words, 'take care of you'

Be Well

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

I am so with you

I'm just tired of dealing with both of it but I'm the one that will end up in councilling.  At least at some point one of them will stoll in and say I'm not doing right by them and I'll pay for it.

It sounds to me like you would definitely benefit from a good therapist of your own. It helps to have someone devote their time and listening, just for you.  I STRONGLY recommend you get yourself some good support. We ALL need a support system... .ESPECIALLY when the loved ones we live with aren't capable of giving the support we need.

Could it be your dd was nervous about the job interveiw so it was easier to blame you and cancel then go? That is something my dd would have done... .picked a fight so she didn't have to go somewhere. She also has a very different memory from everyone else. There is always a grain of truth but a lot of it is just plain made up.

It is possible she was a bit nervous... .and in pain from her stiff neck. She did go to the interview at 2:00, just like she originally said. I'm not sure what came of it. She told them she was moving out of state soon. I did raise her to be honest and tell the truth. It just blows me away when what she takes away from events or conversations is soo different from the intention.

One thing I wanted to memtion to you was about your prozac... .My dd never did well on that med... .she was irritable and still depressed. Do you think prozac might be having that effect on you? 

It's possible, but not likely. Prozac has been a Godsend to me!  I obviously don't make enough Serotonin, and it helps me in more ways than I realized it would. Increased pain threshold (or reduced overall pain), reduced migraines, a bit more energy (usually), and it knocks down the physical depression I've dealt with since my own adolescence. I hope I don't need it forever, but while DD is a teen, and I'm peri menopausal, Prozac is a huge blessing.

Good call though. I am definitely PMSing this week! 

Slimmiller, THANK YOU for the book recommendations. My reading list and personal library are growing... .again.    So many books! So little time.

Hugs to everyone.  . Thanks to all of you, I am feeling renewed today.

[theplotthickens]

Hi Healing Spirit!

I think we all deal with burnout and discouragement, living with a person who requires 24/7 validation while never giving ANY.

You know it sounds hard core, but I have stopped what I call playing 'jr. therapist' all the time.  You know the one that focus on ALWAYS validating, ALWAYS doing the nonreaction, and ALWAYS being nonjudgmental.  

I give myself permission to just be a regular mom and speak the truth in love.  I am not as attached to being the perfect BPD therapist-mom anymore.   Sometimes I say what I think, and sometimes I express my feelings.  I focus more on being a parent, setting boundaries, and that is it.  I used to think we could be close somehow, have fun shopping trips together, and have intimate chats.  Nope.  No matter how much I give, give, give she is right there to chew me up and spit me out.  So, I have to model respecting myself, and not idolizing my daughter's acceptance.

I have also let go of the idea that my dd will ever validate me, or have a give an take relationship.  Our relationship is based on my doing for her, and on me flexing to her needs.  She enjoys causing pain and annoyance, and rages if any little thing doesn't go her way.  Most of the time she is irritable and unpredictable.    She was just evaluated this week, and came back with Bipolar I with antisocial features, Borderline PD, and severe ADHD, combined type.  

The neuropsych was concerned for my safety; given her level of hatefulness and lack of empathy.

You know what?  I choose not to live in fear.  I choose to believe that I am operating out of a place of love, and that I am doing the most good that I can.  I am in touch with my body physically and with my spirit spiritually.

I can't give you any advice really, since everyone is so different and our girls are different.  But I will tell you that if you are not speaking TRUTH, your body will manifest stress like illness, aches and pains, depression, and anxiety.  I would wonder if you could focus on being more truthful and less validating, when it is inauthentic and your left brain is screaming for you to be more reasonable.  There is always the option of focusing more on living your values and demanding respect and less on how your daughter feels.  She must make friends with reality eventually, and people will pull away from her naturally unless she learns to act less selfish and demanding.

Nothing eloquent, and perhaps I am projecting, but that is what I have to share.  You have a lot to give, and my guess is that your body is reacting to the changes you have made in communication.  So much of the tools I need to make my daughter feel good involve absolute B.S.  and my body reacts after a while to speaking nonsense and denying how I REALLY feel and hiding my TRUE reactions as my dd cannot handle that.

Does anything I am saying make sense?  I follow the 80/20 rule now, and it is enough to keep me healthier without putting my dd in the hospital!  I feel for you, and I don't buy for a minute that you have nothing left to give.  You simply have to factor your own feelings and reactions into the equation as equally valid and important in order to feel a greater feeling of well-being.  In short, you are giving too much and not taking enough, leading to feeling depleted no matter how much self care you do.  

Am I close?

 

[Bfm]

I too feel like I shortchange myself,my job, my husband and our other daughter( who lives on her own) because I'm so focused one the (27)daughter who lived with us and has all these issues.

It takes over my whole being.theres always something ever consuming going on.

Drs.appt, med changes, turbulent mood changes... .

I feel lost at times.in a funk myself from the chaos and fall out of her issues.

As a mom we want to fix,help,solve.

If we can't I guess we feel it's a reflection on us somehow.

I've got to balance my needs- wants in order to function better for myself.

Still trying to figure that out-I want to go on strike. Lol

Missing in action, to regain my peace & sanity but I can't -

Although I did get out with a friend yesterday lunch, shopping, dinner with no talk of my daughter - it felt good to be removed- even if for a day.

[HealingSpirit]

Does anything I am saying make sense?  I follow the 80/20 rule now, and it is enough to keep me healthier without putting my dd in the hospital!  I feel for you, and I don't buy for a minute that you have nothing left to give.  You simply have to factor your own feelings and reactions into the equation as equally valid and important in order to feel a greater feeling of well-being.  In short, you are giving too much and not taking enough, leading to feeling depleted no matter how much self care you do.  

Am I close?

YES!  Oh Plotthickens, SO MUCH of what you say makes sense!  Thank you for your incredibly validating response!  It probably doesn't sound like it from my post, but I do give myself permission to be just a "good enough mom" (not a perfect one) and to have and express my feelings and views with my DD and my DH.  It's easier with DH because he doesn't "one up" me when I get emotional. But when I express my anger about my DD's behavior, she "one-ups" me by raging.  If I express my disappointment in DD's behavior, she becomes suicidal.  So, I guess I've become conditioned to weigh my need to express myself against the outcome of doing so.  With DD (and my step-mom) it's usually better to keep my mouth shut because expressing my feelings about their behavior don't change their behavior... .ever.  But you're right, NOT expressing my feelings DOES affect me physically over time, and it contributes to the anhedonia (lack of joy) that makes continuous self-care less effective.  I think it is no surprise that so many of us here deal with our own depression, fibromyalgia, and other auto-immune issues.  We get burnt out from BPD.

I'm also NOT very good at setting/enforcing boundaries... .yet.  (I'm working on it.)  Living with 2 people who are oblivious to my requests, no matter how well-stated, really gets to me over time.  I take responsibility for this because I haven't mastered the skills to enforce my wishes, or have DH and DD honor my requests.  My T thinks I'm better at this than I think, but that DH's ADD & Aspergers and DD's BPD get in the way of my clear requests being accepted, understood, and respected.  It warps my view of my own effectiveness.  So, I get on the pity pot now and then.  It's like I reach the "last straw," and then I get frustrated and feel sorry for myself.  I think I just really need a break... .and I'm taking one next weekend.    Even caregivers of Alzheimers patients need time away from the disease.

You brought up an excellent point about validation.  It can't be faked.  Maybe some Ts can fake it, but not me.  For me to truly validate someone's feelings, my own feelings MUST come from the heart.  I never worry about validating the invalid because I can't do that.  In fact, I don't think any of us parents could fake validating our pwBPD because they have a 6th sense that picks up insincerity.  So, whatever we say has to come from our own TRUTH. 

And sometimes my DD WANTS me to react and be emotional.  I just read something in Valerie Porr's book about how having a "neutral" response to someone with BPD can trigger them because they read negativity into our neutral response.   Bingo!  This was very enlightening for me.  I've definitely experienced this with BPDD.  Sometimes when I stay calm and neutral, DD feels invalidated and thinks I don't care.  I never understood what I was doing that triggered her negativity.  After I read that, I remembered a time when DD was upset recently and I got upset too.  I "outraged" her and she calmed right down.    So I still have a lot to learn, but I am encouraged again.  There are pearls of wisdom in all the books I've read about BPD and boundaries so far, but I wish I'd read Valerie Porr's book first. 

As a mom we want to fix, help, solve.

If we can't I guess we feel it's a reflection on us somehow.

I've got to balance my needs- wants in order to function better for myself.

Still trying to figure that out-I want to go on strike. Lol

I hear you Bfm!  This is so true, that as moms, we tend to feel our family's failures are our own.  But that is all-or-nothing thinking, and we do NOT get to go there!  It only brings despair.

Finding the right balance between our own needs and those of our family AND the one with BPD is such a difficult dance!  It seems the dance steps and music change daily, and I feel so clumsy and awkward, trying to keep up.  I want to go on strike too!  Let's both run away for the weekend starting next Friday.  I'm going to my sister's.  She lives at the beach in So. California.  Where are YOU going to go?

[theplotthickens]

I hope you got some rest this week-end, Healing Spirit!  I also hope and pray that you find a 'way of being' with your BPDer that energizes and heals you.

It sounds like you are a very empathetic and merciful soul; that is who you are.  So, setting boundaries might be exhausting, and you can settle on some boundaries that are "good enough!"  Good enough to make you feel healthful!  

I am good at boundaries, but find the constant empathy and validation (to the most invalidating person on earth) exhausting.  So, I have to validate at a level that is "good enough!" to keep myself sane.

I think you can be energized by focusing on your strengths and appreciating who you are.  What a gift to your family to be so merciful and flexible.  At the same time, listen to your body, just like you are doing when it is telling you "Enough is enough!"  :)o you think it is the boundary setting that is exhausting you,  or is it more the flexing and giving?  Pinning that down might be of use.

I think a week-end at the sea sounds amazing!  My only sister is Borderline-Bipolar, and so I would be so happy to have a "normal" sister to hang out with.  If your sister is up for adoption, and taking more house guests, please let us all know!   :D

[kellygirl601]

I SO know what you are saying. I'm sitting here crying because I'm so tired of living in limbo. Its just not worth it. I don't know what the answer is.

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Kellygirl601,

I feel your pain! I too am tired of living in limbo.    I'm so sorry you're feeling used up and done right now! I assure you, those feelings won't last forever. When I made this post, I knew I had to do something to get out of my funk. So, I concentrated on taking care of me. I got out of the house, went to lunch with friends, watched movies, and planned a weekend away from my family to go see my sister, who lives near the beach. It worked.

I am doing SOO much better now.

Also, there is a great post by Rapt Reader about Willingness vs Willfulness. Thinking about that concept got my brain focussed in a different way, which also helped A LOT to give me a sort of re-boot. I do get on the pity pot sometimes, but thinking about that willing/willful concept took me out of myself to a neutral, spiritual state of mind where I could see clearly, detached from my feelings and fatigue. Does that make sense?

Can you tell us what types of recent events you've been dealing with that dragged you down to this new low? I'm worried about you! I have dealt with depression since my adolescence, and I know how it can suddenly take a turn for the worse. Do you have a support system or therapist for YOU? We ALL need support to heal ourselves from the wounds we suffer due to our loved one with BPD. 

What can you do to give yourself a break? What kinds of self-care are nurturing and energizing for you?

We're here for you.