What changes did you see when they painted you black?

[PhoenixBlack]

I ask this question, because I'm curious if it's a common trait in people suffering with BPD. For example, I saw in another thread that some people witnessed their partners having intense/crazy/scary eyes. With my exgf, it was her voice... it changed when she painted me black. Devoid of all feeling and barely recognisable as her voice. she spoke with a hard edge and everything was business-like. But as soon as her feelings were validated, it was like an instant switch. The warmth was back as was the girl I loved.

I asked her once about the times when we're not speaking and when she flips that mental switch - does she think or care about me? Her answer was that she wouldn't allow herself to waste another moment caring  about me if she thought I didn't love her back. I pressed her though because that wasn't what I wanted to know. I wanted to know if she still thought about me - yes, I needed to know that she did. Her answer, when it finally came was that she did and that she hated it and no matter what she felt on the inside, she would never ever show it. And I know this might contradict what some people think, but this was a rare admission that makes me think that they do feel, they do think about things and have regrets, but that they bury it so deep so that it doesn't hurt any more. This enables them to go on surviving in the only way they know how.

Thoughts?

[Infern0]

I think there is some sense to it. I found that mine could always be "talked round" when I was painted black. But the only way to do it was apologize for whatever you were supposed to have done and pledge your loyalty. If you did that she would treat you as a human again. Like I have said she occasionally admitted that she'd hurt people,  was a bad person and selfish. (I don't think she's a bad person just a very unwell one) but I definitely agree with the other two.

as for changes.  Just flipping to a completely different person. Unreasonable,  cold, callous,  uncaring.

it was like all the good qualities drained out of her

[enlighten me]

There were a number of things that I noticed.

Yes the way she speaks to me is business like. Before we split any loving comment or attempt at contact was met with derision. As if she thought it was false.

The way she wrote was one that has jumped out at me though. She used to message me and the spelling and grammar was terrible. Also her punctuation was inappropriate i.e a lot of ! where you wouldn't have necessarily used them.

After being split black her grammar, spelling and punctuation where perfect.

I also agree that they do think of us. They realise that it was them that messed up and they bury it deep. My exgf and I have to see each other as we have a son. Occasionally she will start on me about something and when I respond and it starts to get heated she will stop and say "that's all in the past, we need to move on and forget about the past" I always see this as a convenience so she doesn't get confronted with what she has done. She usually then stops, goes silent, has a little cry then pulls herself together.

[Infern0]

There were a number of things that I noticed.

Yes the way she speaks to me is business like. Before we split any loving comment or attempt at contact was met with derision. As if she thought it was false.

The way she wrote was one that has jumped out at me though. She used to message me and the spelling and grammar was terrible. Also her punctuation was inappropriate i.e a lot of ! where you wouldn't have necessarily used them.

After being split black her grammar, spelling and punctuation where perfect.

I also agree that they do think of us. They realise that it was them that messed up and they bury it deep. My exgf and I have to see each other as we have a son. Occasionally she will start on me about something and when I respond and it starts to get heated she will stop and say "that's all in the past, we need to move on and forget about the past" I always see this as a convenience so she doesn't get confronted with what she has done. She usually then stops, goes silent, has a little cry then pulls herself together.

I can relate to the spelling and grammar although with her it went the other way. She wasn't too bad at it when I was painted white.  I could barely decipher the illegible crap she sent me when I embraced my inner black knight

[toomanytears]

I too had the spelling experience.  The list of my unreasonable behaviours which were sent to his solicitor and forwarded to me were full of typos and spelling errors. Normally a very careful, methodical person, my BPDh must have been bashing out the words in  a huge emotional hurry and didn't check them afterwards... .what does that say?

[enlighten me]

I was chatting to a girl I worked with about this and she was fascinated as she did psychology at university and was into literature.

Her opinion was that when they are happy and comfortable theyre not really on guard so let it slip up in written communication. WHen painted black the business like head comes on. Emotions are buried and the communications are correct.

As to them going the other way this suggests that they kind of held it together and didn't put their emotions to paper but with the stress they have dysregulated to the point where they don't care how they look. The raw emotion is coming out.

Either way its their raw emotion that they are displaying with the poor grammar, spelling and punctuation.

[freedom33]

Mine would do the same when there was an argument and I was split black. She would withdraw and she'd do it in a passive aggressive way. Almost as if she had a special compartment to keep hurtful things in and I 'd see her being all ok smiling and everything and would wonder how does she do it.  She told me that she could just park certain things and details (like e.g. arguments that would normally have me gutted) in the back of her mind and just go about her day.  These people survived massive pain since they were 2-3 years old. Hardwired to have strong defences and coping mechanisms to deal with the pain.  In terms of spelling mine would become non-sensical and type messages that didn't make much sense, written in bad syntax, grammar etc. when there was fear of abandonment kicking in. She 'd panic and regress to a state of a 13-14 year old at best and that would be obvious even from the style of her texts and emails. When she was norma and back in control her texts were impecable.

[enlighten me]

She would withdraw and she'd do it in a passive aggressive way. Almost as if she had a special compartment to keep hurtful things in and I 'd see her being all ok smiling and everything and would wonder how does she do it.  She told me that she could just park certain things and details (like e.g. arguments that would normally have me gutted) in the back of her mind and just go about her day. 

This is how they can function so well in jobs and yet be such a mess at home. They park up their emotions and put on their business head and everything seems normal.

[Arminius]

Mine would have what I called 'dead eyes'.

She normally had the most beautiful blue eyes, truly heart stopping , but they would fade and die when she was in hate more.

Also , her email were as if written by another. Whilst in the main they were merely cold and clinical, there would also be syntax errors and almost poetic prose.

It's an interesting illness.

[kc sunshine]

Yup, mine would have those cold eyes and the hard, clipped voice and then she would throw out these mean zingers and I knew it was BPD time. When we were together, we could usually head things off by either me leaving or her leaving, and then when we'd come back together she'd be back regulated again. When were breaking up and now that we are broken up, there's no way to do that though-- I just stay more or less stay split black. Ugh, awful. (though I like thinking about it as my "inner black knight"  -- thanks for that image infern0!)

[topknot]

Crazy texts with many words spelled wrong... insults made no sense,  as if conversing with someone on an LSD trip. Otherwise, grammatically perfect, and used some eloquent words at times even I didn't understand! When painted black, my phone would keep going "bing, bing" with yet another page after page.  Always knew it was him raging, didn't need to look. There was always another "oh yeah, and take THAT" page - no one else I knew would just spew texts like that... .

[ajr5679]

Her face would change, her eyes would change colors . the first time she painted me black I had no idea what the help was going on. the first time she painted me black was very confusing. we was having so much fun I was in heaven. one day went over to her house to I completely different person. after that one day she painted me black and left me for her ex. if I know now what hell I would of went through when she came back around I would of never talked to her ever again. the next time when she painted me black I knew what was happening but by then mentally I was not there. she allowed her son to abuse me mentally and physically because she could not handle him and his needs . he felt to a I should be about to control his mother from always running from him. I was living with a high functioning BPD and a low functioning BPD. and they both turned into npd when they paint you black.   

[Infern0]

Mine actually told me once that she attacked a guy who had called her crazy. for some reason I didn't see that as a red flag .

Thankfully I removed myself to a safe distance before the black paint came out,  at least I didn't have to deal with that.

[Split black]

I asked her once about the times when we're not speaking and when she flips that mental switch - does she think or care about me?  I wanted to know if she still thought about me - yes, I needed to know that she did. Her answer, when it finally came was that she did and that she hated it and no matter what she felt on the inside, she would never ever show it.

Thoughts?

Everyone is different but the template is the same... .  Do they think of us... .the answer is yes, sometimes, and no... .but not in any " normal " way. We are objects... .and if they have use for us... .then yes they think and may allow you the privileged of being used and abused until there is no longer a need by them for your service... .(once you were painted black)

Its out of sight out of mind... .not absence makes the heart go fonder. I cant say always... .but mine ALWAYS had back up... .she used to joke about it... .one in her bed, one in her pocket and one on the hook... .  actually she had a net cast out and her pattern was to seek out as much comfort as she could when things went badly. Which was every 2 or 3 months.  She would lie to me about being loyal to me at times... .but I would bust her... and I just knew too much. She couldnt bull___ me. That led to a total lack of control... .and way too many others that are clueless. Im too much stress and energy.

So yeah, sure... .they think about us... .as one poster put it about as much as they think about their toaster.